In a small town in Southern California, a teenage girl was sobbing in her bed. The nerdy girl, Sam, had an awful day that day, having been treated like crap the whole time by the popular girl, Charlotte. However, the strangest thing was that just this morning, the two girls were in completely different positions. As far as Sam could remember, she was the popular one and Charlotte was the dork. 

It all started earlier that day, when Sam and her friends were hanging out at the mall. Her memories of herself were vague and hazy, but she remembered having dark skin (probably a spray tan), long, straight blonde hair, perfect vision, perfect teeth, and the hottest clothes imaginable. She and her friends were enjoying themselves when they saw Charlotte, that nerdy cow. She was kind of short and chubby, with frizzy red hair, pale freckled skin, thick glasses, and braces. Sam and her friends simply tried to ignore her, but she kept following them the whole day. After awhile, things began to get weird as Sam’s hair began to grow curly, as if it were extremely humid. She didn’t think much of it, though she did notice Charlotte’s hair was growing straighter. As the shopping trip went on, Sam began to notice other gradual changes, her skin growing paler (save for a few scatterings of freckles), her clothes seemed to feel looser, her makeup faded away. Even her mouth felt weird, as if her teeth were moving out of place. Finally and most disturbing of all, her vision blurred to the point where she could barely see anything. Panicking a little bit, Sam did not know what was going on, until she felt something being pushed into her hands as Charlotte said, “Here, you might need these.” Looking down at her hands and squinting, she saw that it was Charlotte’s glasses. Reluctantly placing the glasses on, Sam looked into a nearby window and was shocked by what she saw. 

Staring back at Sam from the mirror was not the popular, hot girl that came in this morning, but rather a scrawny little nerd. Gone was her spray tan, replaced by pale freckled skin. Her once straight blonde hair was now unkempt, almost dirty looking. Her clothes had changed from stylish high end fashions in various shades of pastel pink, to just a plain pair of jeans, sneakers, and a dark green T-shirt with the “Stranger Things” logo printed across the chest. Running her tongue over her teeth, Sam found that they had become crooked, with a noticeable gap between her front teeth. With the addition of the glasses, Charlotte’s old glasses, she truly was a nerdy shell of her former self. 

“What the hell?” Sam said to herself in shock. “What’th going on? Why do I look like thith?” Hearing her new lisp, Sam covered her mouth in shock, only to notice Charlotte. While she was still short and plump, Charlotte looked a lot cooler. Her red hair was straighter, seemingly cleaner. Her freckles were gone, while her skin had somehow become a healthier, darker tone. Without her glasses, she looked like a completely different person, more confident and empowered. Looking Sam in the eye, Charlotte flashed a wicked smile (revealing a set of beautiful, perfect teeth) and said, “Thanks for the help Sammy. Hope you can hang out with us next time.” With that, Charlotte left with Sam’s friends in tow, much to the surprise of the now lonely nerdy Sam. 

Back in the present, Sam took a moment from her sobbing to look around her room, noting how even that had been changed to reflect her new life. On shelves that once held various kinds of makeup were now action figures in display cases, video games and other assorted memorabilia. On her desk were several comic books, each one in a protective, plastic sleeve. Posters of boy bands that once hung on her wall had been replaced by posters of movie that Sam only now remembered seeing, mostly sci-fi and fantasy movies. Feeling curious, she quickly grabbed her phone, went onto Twitter and viewed Charlotte’s account. Sam felt uneasy when she saw that the selfies she had taken with her “friends” had been altered, replacing herself with with the new and improved Charlotte. However, looking closer, she noticed something strange skulking around in the background. It was hard to make out what it was, looking like Dracula one minute and looking like an enormous scorpion the next. Whatever it was, it seemed sinister regardless. 

As she analysed the pictures, Sam heard something walking down the hall. She did not think much of it until she remembered that she was the only one in the house at the time, her parents having gone out on a date night. Looking nervously at the door, Sam called out, “Hello? Ith anyone there?” Suddenly, a loud rushing sound issued from the hall, sending a strong breeze blowing into Sam’s room and somehow causing the lights to go out. Understandably, the poor nerd girl was terrified. Slowly getting up from bed and warily looking around, Sam barely took one step before tripping and falling face first into the floor. 

As Sam regained her bearings, she noticed something strange about her arm. While she landed flat on the floor, it felt like her arm had fallen through the floor, as if it had gone through a hole that was not there. Before she could get up on her own, Sam felt her body lift up on its own and entering an upright position. “Wh-what? What’th happening?” Sam asked in confusion. At that moment, the lights came on and what she saw both shocked and disturbed her. Standing in Sam’s room was a young man in his twenties, pale skinned, blonde hair, scruffy chin, claw-like fingers, glowing purple eyes, black tear streaks, and sharp vampire-like fangs. His most striking feature, however, was a large, heart shaped hole in his chest with a faint golden glow emanating from it... and currently, with Sam’s arm shoved into it. That alone would be disturbing enough for Sam as it is, but the fact that she could not see her arm jutting out on the other side (as if the hole was some kind of interdimensional portal) made it worse. Looking nervously up at the man, Sam could see that the man was just as disturbed by all this as she was. Eyeing the nerd girl nervously, the man cautiously stated, “Okay, okay, there’s no need to panic. Just slowly but gently pull your arm out of my chest... hole... thing.” Doing as the man said, Sam slowly pulled her arm out of his chest hole. 

As she did this, Sam felt something big grab onto her arm tightly. Panicking at this, Sam yanked her arm out of the hole, only for something large to follow. At first, it was just an enormous hand-like paw covered in orange red fur, after which it was followed by a long, fur covered arm. Eventually, the entire creature came out of the chest hole, revealing itself to be a giant, nine tailed fox monster with what appeared to be a ceramic mask of a handsome man covering the top half of its head. Sam fell on her butt as the kitsune loomed over her, scooching away as quickly as possible and silently wondering how she knew this thing was called a “kitsune”. As the hulking fox glowered down at her, the nerdy girl heard the mysterious man shout, “Foxy K, will you knock it off! The poor girl’s been through enough as it is.” Hearing this, a disappointed look crossed the monster’s face before it transformed into an attractive looking, fashionable man with frosted tips, pointed fox ears, and a single fox’s tail. “Oh boo, you’re no fun,” the man, Foxy K, said, crossing his arms across his chest in a huff. 

“Uh, excuth me?” Sam interjected. “What the hell ith going on? Why’re you in room?” Noticing the nerd girl, an apologetic look crossed the mysterious man’s face as he said, “Oh, I’m sorry. This is all probably really confusing to you. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Alucard, this is Foxy K, and I’m responsible for... what happened to you.” “What?” Sam asked in a confused tone. “What do you mean you’re ‘rethponthible’ for what happened to me?” Looking awkward, Alucard answered, “I mean I’m responsible for... turning you into a nerd and making Charlotte popular.” “Theriouthly? You’re the reathon I look like thith?” Sam said in an annoyed tone, pointing at herself for emphasis. “Why are you here? Do you get thome kind of thick kick out of thith?” “No, no, it’s not like that at all,” Alucard hastily said in reply. “I was just doing a favor for a friend, but I felt bad about what I did to you, so I came to apologize. I’m sorry about everything I did to you, the glasses... and the freckles... and the lisp.” “Could be worse,” Foxy K interjected. “You could’ve given her a side lisp. Doesn’t matter how cool what you say seems, if you say it with a side lisp, it’ll sound like the lamest thing imaginable.” Rolling his eyes, Alucard said, “Yes, thank you for that Foxy.” 

Looking curiously at the strange man, Sam said, “Tho, thith friend of yourth athked you to turn me into a nerd? Why?” “It’s a little complicated,” Alucard explained. “You see, this friend of mine, Krockman, is something of a reality warper for hirer. He goes around, taking up odd jobs changing reality however people need it. Charlotte hired him to make her more popular, but he was busy at the moment, so he sent me instead.” “Um, okay,” Sam said in reply, not entirely certain what any of that meant. “But why does it involve turning me into a nerd?” Looking sheepish, Alucard answered, “I’m not that good at the whole ‘reality warping’ thing, so I just... swapped your traits with each other.” “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Sam said in disbelief, sitting back down on her bed. “Tho, how much did Charlotte pay you to do thith?” “Well, we don’t exactly take money,” Alucard said, sitting beside the nerd girl. “We accept payment in the form of whatever item the costumer considers most precious to them. In this case, she gave me a DND figurine of a halfling cleric. Personally, I play as a half-elf paladin but that’s just my preference.” 

Looking up at the man in surprise, Sam asked, “Hold on, you play Dungeonth and Dragonth?” “Oh yeah, me and my friends back home play it from time to time,” Alucard answered. “In fact, me and my girlfriend dabbled in a little DND back in the 80’s.” Sighing a bit, Alucard pleasantly added, “Those were the days.” Even more surprised than before, Sam said, “The 80’th? But you look like you’re in your 20’th.” Hearing this, Alucard explained, “Um, yeah, I lived in the 80s, I... died in the 80s, and now, I’m living in the modern era. I gotta say, took a little adjusting but I’m managing pretty fine.” Looking on in horror, Sam asked, “Hold on a thecond, you’re... dead?” Hearing this, Alucard only retorted, “Seriously? You had your arm shoved into a hole running straight through my chest and out my back, and you’re surprised to find out I’m dead? Seriously?” 

Feeling awkward, Sam changed the subject, asking, “Tho, um, why did thith Krockman guy thend you inthtead of coming himthelf?” “Yeah, he was busy preparing for his wedding,” Alucard explained, sounding a bit glum. “That’s how it’s been for the past few weeks. Recently, I had to sleep in my music shop because Krockman filled my house with thousands of bouquets of flowers.” Leaning in real close to Sam’s ear, the strange man whispered, “Do you know what that’s like?” Feeling confused, Sam simply replied, “No.” “Well let me tell you... it sucks!!!” Alucard shouted furiously. “It’s bad enough I get kicked out of my own home for a bunch of damn flowers, but it feels like he’s throwing his engagement in my face. Seriously, that flailing man child is getting married and I’m stuck down here in Limbo while my girlfriend, Mona, is up in heaven! It’s just not fair.” “Oh... um, wow,” Sam said, completely at a lose for what to say. 

Glancing at Sam, Alucard added, “You know, I have half a mind to change you back to normal just to screw with Krockman.” “Really now Al, is that really going to fix anything?” Foxy K asked in a bored tone. “No, but it’ll feel pretty damn good,” Alucard retorted. “Besides, it’s not like Sam here is gonna complain about. I bet she wants to be turned back to normal.” Looking uncomfortable, Sam interjected, saying, “Um, actually, I kinda want to thtay a nerd.” “Seriously?” Alucard said, surprised by this. “But why?” “Well, I’ve thought it over a bit, and if I thtay thith way, I don’t have to worry about all the thtuff that I uthed to (like clotheth or makeup or trying to look perfect, maybe learn how to play D&D),” Sam explained. “Bethideth, after hearing your problemth, being a nerd ithn’t that big of a deal. I mean, you lotht your girlfriend. You loved her, right?” “Are you kidding?” Alucard said in reply. “Of course I loved her. I loved her so much that when she died first, I literally died two hours later from heartbreak.” Looking on in shock, Sam asked, “Theriouthly, you can actually die from that?” “It’s called stress cardiomyopathy, darling,” Foxy K interjected. “It’s basically the most emo way a person can die.” Alucard only cast a side glance towards Foxy K, shrugging his shoulders in agreement. 

“Although, if you’re going to change anything, I have a few thuggethtionth,” Sam said, crossing her legs in anticipation. Looking at the nerd girl curiously, Alucard asked, “Like what specifically?” “Well, firtht thingth firtht, could you fix thith?” Sam explained as she pointed at her mouth. Realizing what she meant, Alucard let out a soft “Oh” before poking her cheeks. “Well, how’s that?” Alucard asked, folding his arms across his chest. Taking a minute to run her tongue over her teeth, feeling that the gap in the front of her teeth was gone, Sam muttered to herself, “She sells seashells by the seashore. Oh god! That’s so much better! Thank you.” “Don’t mention it,” Alucard said in reply. “Is there anything else you want fixed?” Glancing at the nerd girl, Foxy K interjected, “I’d take a crack at the hair.” With that, Alucard and Foxy K spent the whole night “She’s All That”’ing the living crap out of Sam. 

The next morning, in school, Charlotte was busy changing out her books at her locker when she over heard a familiar sounding noise: hyperventilating nerd boys. As she listened to the nerds and reminiscing about her old nerdy life, a familiar voice stuck out in Charlotte’s mind. It was Sam’s voice, only it lacked her new lisp. Looking through the vents of the locker door, she was shocked to see that Sam was no longer the gawky mess of a nerd she left her as, but a cute nerd girl (with better hair, cuter glasses, and slightly better teeth). “I don’t see what the big deal is,” Sam said to the nerd boys. “All I said was that I wanted to join your D&D session. What’s so hard to understand?” “W-we understand what you’re saying,” one of the nerds answered nervously. “It’s just that... we hardly ever have a girl ask to join us. This is new territory for us.” “I understand,” Sam said in reply, heaving her backpack over her shoulder. “If you do decide to let me join, let me know, okay.” Charlotte watched on in shock as Sam walked away, leaving the the nerds hyperventilating and gushing. 

As Charlotte watched on, she felt a tap on her shoulder as Sam asked, “Hey Charlotte! Whatcha watching?” Startled by this, Charlotte turned around to see Sam standing there, smiling at her. “S-S-Sam?” she asked, still shocked by the whole thing. “You look... you look... good.” “Thanks for noticing,” Sam said in reply. “Alucard helped me with my look. You remember Alucard, right?” Charlotte could only laugh nervously, realizing that Sam know what’s going on. “I’m not mad at you, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Sam said, trying to calm Charlotte’s nerves. “If anything, I’m grateful for what you did.” “Really?” Charlotte asked in surprise. “Why?” “Because you basically made my life so much more enjoyable,” Sam explained. “Thanks to you, I don’t have worry about what other people think of me. I’m free to do whatever I want without worrying about looking lame. In fact, I was planning on joining those guys in a D&D session. Wanna come along? It’d be fun to see how they’d react to two girls asking to join.” “Really, you’re inviting me to a D&D session?” Charlotte asked with a hint of excitement. “Oh thank god, I was so sick of being popular. I mean seriously, how did you put up with it?” Sam only shrugged her shoulders, saying, “Beats me.” With that, the two girls made their way to the nerd boys, ready to join their group. As they were walking, Charlotte asked, “Hey Sam, quick question. Whatever happened to Alucard?” “Well, after he spruced me up, he said he had some business to settle and he left,” Sam answered. “I’m not sure what business it was, but whatever it was, he seemed real pissed about it.” 

Meanwhile, over in Seattle, Krockman and Roquella were in Chelsea’s apartment trying wedding cake samples. Alongside them were Chad, enjoying some cake as well. At the moment, Krockman and Roquella were trying a slice of chocolate cake. “Oh my god,” Krockman said after tasting the cake. “Chocolate cake is usually dry, but this cake is so moist. It’s awesome.” “Thanks,” Chelsea said in reply. “I use a little sour cream to add some extra moisture to the cake. I’m glad you guys like it. There are still some other options if you’re interested.” “Excellent, bring them on,” Krockman said excitedly. 

Suddenly, the door burst open, revealing an incredibly pissed off Alucard. “Krockman!” Alucard shouted as he marched in. “I want you to get your crap out of my house!” Barely even noticing Alucard’s rage, Krockman glanced over at the furious lost soul, held out a piece of cake and said, “Oh, hey Al. You want some cake?” Alucard, still pissed, simply slapped the cake out of Krockman’s hand, sending it smearing across the floor. “I don’t want your damn cake,” Alucard retorted. “What I want is to sleep in my home again without being smothered by forty bunches of baby’s-breath. Also, who gets forty bouquets of baby’s-breath? Nobody even likes baby’s-breath.” Looking surprised, Krockman asked, “Uh, okay. What brought this up? I thought you said you were okay with the flowers.” “I did. I did,” Alucard said in reply, calming down a bit. “I’m sorry if I seem like some bitter, jealous douchebag right now, but ever since you proposed to Roquella, I feel like you’ve been rubbing your engagement in my face. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t be happier for you guys, but seriously, please tone it back a bit.” “Oh, I’m sorry about that. I had no idea you felt like that,” Krockman said apologetically. “But, the flowers are staying where they are. That’s just how it is.” “I see,” Alucard said in reply, a look of anger spreading across his face. “In that case, there’s only one way to settle this.” 

At that moment, Alucard pointed towards the kitchen table, causing it to glow with a blinding light. When the glow faded away, the table appeared to have been set up for a tabletop game; more specifically, Dungeons and Dragons. Looking at the table in confusion, Chelsea asked, “Hold on a second. Are you two actually going to settle your argument over a game of Dungeons and Dragons? How would you even do that? Isn’t like a team thing or something?” “It is, but sometimes we like throw in a competitive edge to make things a little more interesting,” Krockman explained. “So tell me Al, what exactly are the terms?” “Simple, if I win, you take all of your flowers out of my house. If you win, they stay,” Alucard answered. “All we need now is a dungeon master. Someone who’s both impartial and experienced with tabletop games.” At that moment, both Krockman and Alucard cast a sideways glance towards Chad. Noticing this, Chad asked indignantly, “What makes you think I fit the bill?” “Well don’t you?” Krockman asked in reply. Chad only looked down sheepishly as he answered, “Yeah I do.” Seeing no other option, Chad made his way towards the table and sat in the DM’s seat, with Chad and Alucard taking their seats as Chelsea and Roquella looked on in confusion and awe respectively.

Cracking his fingers, Chad looked over at Alucard and Krockman and said, “Okay, first thing’s first, I’m going to need your character sheets.” Hearing this, Krockman and Alucard presented two sheets of paper to Chad, who took them and read them over. “Okay Krockman, you’re playing as Joffer Woundwort, a true neutral human wizard,” Chad said as he read over the character sheets. “And Alucard, you’re playing as... Alucard the Light Herald, a lawful good half-elf paladin? Seriously, you named your character after yourself? I mean it’s your choice and all, but that’s seems kind of vain.” Looking sheepish, Alucard slowly rubbed the back of his head as he explained, “Um, actually, ‘Alucard’ is just my nickname. When I became a lost soul, my memories were kind of scrambled and all I could remember was that I used that as a name. My realname is Alphonse Ulysses Cardigan.” Bursting into laughter, Krockman said, “Oh my god! That’s your real name? God, that’s so lame!” “Really?” Alucard retorted as he glared at the other lost soul. “You’re gonna make a comment on another person’s name, Cooper?” Hearing this, Krockman immediately stopped laughing, awkwardly glancing around a bit as he simply said in reply, “Fair enough.” 

“Right then, let’s get down to business,” Chad said as he straightened himself in his chair. “You both find yourselves walking towards the entrance of a dungeon. You’ve been sent by the lord of a nearby village to rescue his daughter from the oozing tentacles of a beholder...” “Excuse me,” Krockman interjected. “What does the dungeon look like?” Feeling on the spot, Chad answered, “Uh, it looks like a typical dungeon. There’s... torches, and it’s... old I suppose. The entrance way is... I don’t know, beholder size. I’m honestly making this up as I go along.” Krockman only face palmed to this. As they watched on, Chelsea leaned in towards Roquella and asked, “So this is a normal thing you guys do?” “Yeah, isn’t great?” Roquella answered with a sly wink. “I suppose so,” Chelsea said in reply. “I still don’t see how they’re going to apply a competitive element to this.” Casting a side glance towards the young troll, Roquella said, “Oh trust me, you will.” 

The game went on for two hours, with both Krockman and Alucard fighting there way through hordes of kobolds, goblins, and various other monsters. As they played, Krockman constantly asked Chad to be more descriptive with his narrations, simultaneously pushing him to his creative limits and pissing him off at the same time. Finally, after a long exhausting campaign, the two players had reached the end, Joffer Woundwort and Alucard standing triumphantly over the dead beholder. “Okay, we’ve reached the endgame (thank god),” Chad said, having grown tired of the campaign as a whole. “You stand before the lord’s daughter and are captivated by her stunning beauty...” “Excuse me,” Krockman interjected for the umpteenth time. “What does she look like?” “Oh my good god,” Chad said, having finally lost it. “Krockman, could you please just use your imagination for once and stop spraying stupidity like a broken douche nozzle for five seconds.” “Well come on Chad, you’re the DM,” Krockman said, folding his arms in front of his chest. “As a writer, I like to paint a mental picture for my audience. At least give us an idea of what we’re fighting for.” Sighing in frustration, Chad glanced over towards Roquella and said, “Fine, the maiden is dressed to the friggin nines in the finest pastel silks that hug her glorious frame. She bears a hefty, curvaceous figure that’s been cultivated through a lifetime of luxury, and hair so thick and luxurious, it can choke a hippopotamus. Is that descriptive enough for you?” “Very much so,” Krockman answered with a satisfied grin, knowing full well who Chad was talking about. “Fantastic,” Chad said sarcastically before turning to Alucard and saying, “Al, for the love of Christ, move this game forward so we can get back to our lives.” 

Cracking a wicked grin, Alucard said, “Oh I’ll move it along alright. I move to seduce the hefty maiden.” “Wait, what?” Krockman said, surprised by what he heard. “Are... are you actually trying to seduce a character based on my fiancé?” “Yeah, that’s the challenge,” Alucard said smugly. “If I succeed, I win and you have to get the flowers out of my house.” “No, no, no way! You can’t seduce a fantasy version of Roquella!” Krockman shouted furiously. “Chad, tell him he can’t do that!” Absolutely tired of the two lost souls’ crap, Chad took his time to determine which side to take: the sweaty, annoying asshole, or the moody, emo douchebag who wants to seduce a fantasy version of the asshole’s fiancé. Finally, Chad sighed, saying, “I’ll allow it.” Hearing this, Alucard rolled his die... and got a perfect twenty much to Krockman’s horror. “Congratulations Al, the only woman willing to touch you besides your old girlfriend is not only fictional, but also part of some weird revenge fantasy,” Chad said, face palming at the sheer stupidity of it all. “You’re currently face deep in her heaving chest as you make an absolute mockery of the one good thing from my childhood. Are you happy? Are you all satisfied with yourselves you pedantic fu...” “You motherfucker!!!” Krockman shouted as he lunged after Alucard. As suddenly as Krockman got up, Alucard just as quickly caught him by the arms, pin him to the ground and proceeded to slap him with his own hands. “Hey limp dick, why’re you getting so worked up?” Alucard asked mockingly. “It’s just a game. Don’t beat yourself up about it.” 

As Chelsea and Roquella watched in both shock and awe, they heard the doorbell ring. “I’ll get it!” Roquella shouted, walking away as quickly from the awkward scene as possible. Reaching the door and opening it, she was confronted by a middle aged man of class and sophistication, his grey beard impeccably trimmed. “Can I help you?” Roquella asked cautiously. “Good evening Roquella,” the man said politely. “I was wondering if I could speak with Mr. Krockman. I wanted to ask him a question.” Looking confused, Roquella asked, “Um, I’m sorry. Who are you and how do you know me and Krockman?” “Oh, I’m sorry. I was a bit forward there,” the man apologized. “My name is Dr. Alexander Olan, professional psychiatrist and part time paranormal investigator. I am aware that you and your friends are, shall we say, something of the supernatural. I would like to speak with Mr. Krockman and ask him a few questions.” Roquella stared on in shock at the doctor as Krockman and Alucard continued their scuffle. 
—————— 

Meanwhile in Limbo, Emily and her little group were slowly making their way towards False Orchard. The sky was slowly turning from the red and oranges of twilight to the dark blue of night, waves of red and green streaking the sky. “That’s strange,” Emily said as she watched the transition. “I thought time was meaningless in Limbo. How is it turning to night now?” “One of the Seven New Gods is probably setting off fireworks,” Mac explained. “Those guys are basically masters of this realm. They’re more than willing to take advantage of it.” 

Turning towards Jojo, Emily asked, “Hey Jojo, are you sure Misfit’s daughter is going to meet us at False Orchard? Does she even know where this place is?” “Oh yes, I’m certain she knows,” Jojo answered, pulling a large cell phone from the 80’s out of his bathrobe pocket. “She gave me this odd little doohickey to call her when I found her father. She called it a ‘celly phone’. It’s like a telephone but you can carry it around with you and make a call whenever you want. It’s very convenient.” Staring at the enormous brick of a phone, Emily simply smiled and said, “Well it’s... convenient. I’ll say that much.” “Yeah, real convenient if you want to break into someone’s house or club someone to death,” Mac interjected snarkily. 

Before Emily could scold the laptop scrap, Mac’s eyes went wide as he clutched his head and screamed out in pain, his eyes flashing a sickly yellow. “Oh my god, Mac?! What’s happening!?” Emily asked worriedly, shocked by the scrap’s sudden pain. Clenching his teeth, “Virus from laptop days... causes migraines... Krockman’s fault...” Growing concerned, Emily tried to comfort the poor scrap, only to be smacked away by Mac. As he screamed in pain, Mac noticed something in the distance that brought a smile to his face. It was a field of plump red strawberries that seemed to glow with a soft red glow. “Strawberries!!!” Mac shouted excitedly before running towards the strawberry field and diving in, gorging on the berries with delight. Emily watched on in both shock and awe as the laptop scrap tore his way through the field, snapping up strawberries left and right, even going so far as to uproot whole plants and swallowing it whole. Finally, when Mac had had his fill, he sat down on the ground in a daze, his eyes glowing a soft pink light. 

Staring at the dazed scrap, Emily slowly approached Mac, asking, “Mac? Are you okay?” “Am I okay?” Mac answered slowly as he stared off into space. “I feel... glorious!!!” As he shouted this, Mac flopped onto his back and began making snow angels in the strawberry field, leaving behind red smears of crushed strawberries on the ground. Looking concerned, Emily asked, “Seriously, are you okay? What was in those strawberries?” “There Limbo strawberries. They make you feel awesome!” Mac shouted as he cackled joyfully, repeatedly screaming “fun and games” as he rolled around on the ground. Suddenly, the cackling stopped as Mac sat up with a solemn look on his face, his eyes glowing a soft blue as he said in a sad tone, “Yeah, fun and games.” 

“I remember when I was first created,” Mac continued solemnly. “I was made from an old laptop that Krockman owned. I was much smarter than other scraps are when they’re first made. I could speak complete sentences, and I was very curious, exploring every corner of our base (good practice for when I eventually inherited it).” “Inherited it? Wait, are you talking about False Orchard?” Emily asked, intrigued by the story. “Of course. That was Krockman’s original base of operations,” Mac answered with a nod. “I would romp and play and explore in all the corners of False Orchard, until one day, I came across the door leading outside to the rest of Limbo. You see, up until that point I had never been outside of the base. I would often stare at that door until finally, about a week later, I stepped out onto the porch and saw the twilight sky for the first time. I didn’t go much farther than that (at least not on the first day). As time went on, I ventured further and further from False Orchard, exploring more of Limbo with each trip. Everything was going fine until I encountered the feral.” Amazed by the story, Emily asked, “And what are ferals?” “Well ferals are kinda like...” Mac explained before pausing a bit to gather his thoughts. “Actually, you know what, it’ll probably be easier if I showed you.” With that, Mac grabbed Emily’s head and stared directly into her eyes, causing the young drok to pass out. 

When she came to, Emily saw that she was now standing in what appeared to be a desert, with canyons and piles of garbage in the distance. The sky seemed strange, glowing with a pink light and streaked with what appeared to be nerve endings. As she looked around, Emily heard Mac ask, “What’s with you? You act like you’ve never been in a memory warp before.” Looking over at Mac, Emily simply said, “No, I haven’t. So, we’re inside your memories or something?” “More or less,” Mac explained as he pointed towards the right. “If you’ll look that way, you’ll see me back when I was actually happy.” Looking in the direction that Mac was pointing, Emily saw another Mac running through the desert, looking through the piles of trash and investigating the pieces he found. He seemed so much happier than the current Mac, more innocent and carefree, almost like Teddi in a way. 

As past Mac was rummaging through the piles, Emily and current Mac heard someone call out, “Mac! Where are you?!” Looking in the direction of the voice, Mac and Emily saw that it was Tom running towards past Mac. “What’s Tom doing here?” Emily asked, feeling awkward at the sight of him. “I haven’t seen him since our date.” “You are aware that this is ‘past Tom’, right? He’s just a figment in a memory. He’s not going to know who you are, let alone even see you,” Mac explained in disbelief. “Anyway, he and the other acolytes were brought along with us when we went back to Limbo.” Walking towards past Mac, Tom panted as he said, “There you are. What the hell are you doing out here?” “Oh, hey Tom,” past Mac said nonchalantly. “Check out all this cool stuff I found. Isn’t it neat?” “Mac, I don’t care about that crap. Krockman’s worried sick about you,” Tom said, taking a moment to lick the back of his hand and rubbing it against his forehead, only to realize what he was doing. “Oh god, I’m doing it again aren’t I?” “You mean cleaning yourself like a normal cat?” Mac asked. “Yeah, pretty much.” “Damn it! Stupid residual cat instincts. I thought I got those under control,” Tom huffed, placing his hand to his side. “Anyway, let’s just go back to False Orchard already. Krockman’s gonna have a cow if you’re not home.” Before Mac could say anything, the pair heard a truck horn sound off as a semi truck ran them over, causing the world to go black. 

“Oh my god! What the hell just happened!?” Emily shouted in a panic. “Am I dead?! Did I seriously just die!?” “You’re still alive, you banana,” Mac retorted. “You’re in my memories, remember. You can only see what I’ve seen. After the truck hit me and Tom, we were passed out for awhile. We should be coming to right about...” Before he could finish, the world came back, showing Tom and past Mac tied up back to back. Surrounding them were several muscle bound, shirtless, horse headed men dressed in skinny jeans. Looking around in a confused manner, Mac asked, “Um, what is this? What is happening?” “I don’t know,” Tom said worriedly. “But whatever it is, I got a bad feeling about what’s about to go down.” Just then, a gruff voice whinnied, “It’s only the ignorant who fear the unknown and all her righteous possibilities, even when they’re dressed so fine and dapper.” Suddenly, a figure stepped out from the shadows, and by the looks of him, Mac and Tom knew that he was the leader of this little group. 

He was a freakishly ripped horse man dressed in shades, spike studded shoulder pads and leather hot pants. He came in riding on what appeared to be a normal looking miniature horse that looked comically tiny underneath the horse man. The horse man stared at his two captives from his mount for a few minutes, creating an awkward silence. Finally, he spoke only two words that more or less summed him up perfectly, “Howdy motherfuckers.” Staring up at the strange horse man in confusion (as was Tom and Emily), Mac said, “Okay, wow, I’m just so confused right now. Who are you guys?” “I am Dynamic Count, and this is my ride, Butterscotch,” the lead horse man stated. “And you are in the presence of the Derby Boyz, the tikbalang gang and number ten in the Feral Gangs Rankings list.” Staring on at the scene, Emily asked, “Ferals? Who are these guys, and why do they look like they just stepped out of some post apocalyptic Calvin Klein catalogue?” “These are the souls of animals that were transformed into lost souls by consuming a shard of broken soul,” Mac explained. “They’re like scraps but a lot less innocent.”  

As Tom and past Mac struggled with their ropes, Mac asked, “Why’d you run us down with a truck? Why are you doing this to us?” “The answer is simple, my pocket sized friend,” Dynamic Count answered. “I am in need of some broken souls to feed to Butterscotch here. I wish to turn her into a tikbalang, and shine on her the blinding light of intelligence on her. She will be so grateful to me, she will make sweet tender love to me for ten hours straight.” Cringing at this, Tom asked, “Why would you tell us that you freak. No one wants to hear about your dream of porking your horse without consequence.” “That’s not your place to judge, prude,” Dynamic Count retorted. “I need me some broken souls, and that scrap is a prime source of those, baby. Now hand them over or else.” “What? N-no, I can’t do that,” Mac stammered nervously. “I... I need these shards to live.” Glaring at the bound scrap, Dynamic Count retorted, “Yeah, well I need them more, and I’m more than happy to have you torn apart to get to them. Sunday Special, Mama’s Little Champ, crack him open.” With that, two of the tikbalangs that were standing around slowly approached the bound pair, intent on ripping the soul shards out of Mac. 

Before the horse men could lay a finger on the poor scrap, a loud reverberating bellow stopped them in their tracks. Charging in from the distance was an enormous, turtle-like beast with bug-like appendages and thick, wild hair and beard. “What the fuck is that?!” Dynamic Count said in a terrified panic. Smiling smugly, Tom answered, “That’s the Krockman. He’s the one in charge of Limbo now, and as of now... you’re all fucked.” Looking at the ferocious kappa-like monster, globs of golden spit trailing from its beak-like maw, Dynamic Count turned toward the other tikbalangs and shouted in a panicked tone, “Peace out of here bros! We’ll find some broken souls elsewhere!” With that, the Derby Boyz ran away, leaving Tom and past Mac behind. Seeing that the tikbalangs had left, Krockman reverted to his true form and walked up to the pair. Looking on in the direction that the Derby Boyz ran off to, Krockman asked, “Did any of them hurt you guys?” “N-no,” Mac answered nervously. “Good,” Krockman said as he pulled out a knife and cut their bonds. “Let’s head home. We’ve got a lot to talk about.” With that, the world faded away, sending Emily and Mac back to reality. 

“So Krockman saves you from getting ripped open like a bag of chips,” Emily said in disbelief. “Why did that change you?” “I was grateful for being saved, believe me,” Mac explained, slowly returning to his usual mood. “It’s what happened after we got back to False Orchard that changed everything.” Looking curiously at the scrap, Emily asked, “How so?” “Well, after we went back home, Tom and I told the others everything that had happened. How the ferals kidnapped us and how their gangs had some sort of ranking system,” Mac continued. “According to Misfit, the feral gangs had several camps stationed throughout Limbo, but they ended leading back to their main base of operations: the Ruins of Babel. Of course, Krockman saw this as an opportunity of sorts, both for getting rid of any competition that may cross his path and to set up a permanent base of operations for the Seven New Gods. So began the inane farce that is the Limbo Crusade.” “I’m sorry, the Limbo Crusade?” Emily asked, more confused than ever. “Oh yes, the Limbo Crusade. Krockman’s plan for dealing with the ferals and procuring the Ruins of Babel,” Mac explained. “It was a methodical process really. First, Krockman made frequent trips between Limbo and the mortal world, doing favors, gathering new scraps and acolytes (not to mention a few lost souls he came across along the way). Then they began the march to Babel, taking out any feral settlements they came across. Every now and then, some of the smarter, more cowardly gang leaders would willingly turn themselves over to the Seven New Gods, including Chief Sweeney of the Raw Hogz and Master Baku of the Dream Eaterz. By the time Krockman’s army arrived at the ruins, the remaining feral forces ran out, seeing as none of them were strong enough to take on the Seven New Gods. As Krockman and the others settled into their new digs, the remaining feral gangs relocated themselves to the Byrnhem Theater, pledging themselves to some Kobold named Skipper and a grimalkin named Orschwitz.” 

“Wow, that’s actually kind of impressive,” Emily said, amazed that Krockman could pull something like that off. “And to think, you actually had a part in it.” Looking miffed, Mac retorted, “No, I wasn’t. Ever since my encounter with the horse humper, Krockman wouldn’t let me come along on the crusade. He said he was worried about my well being. I’m not sure why he cares now, he certainly didn’t when I had my first migraine. After they left, I inherited False Orchard. I can’t tell you just how lonely it gets there, all by myself.” “Oh... I’m sorry to hear that,” Emily said, feeling sorry for the poor scrap. “But you know, you won’t be alone for long. We’re all going to be there, and I’ll tell you this much, I’m going to do what I can to fix your migraines. I promise.” Hearing this, Mac looked up at Emily in surprise and asked, “Do you really mean that? You really promise?” “Of course,” Emily said in reply with a nod. After that, Mac turned away for a bit, standing there in awkward silence before finally saying, “Thank you Emily.” 

Suddenly, a fair distance away from the pair, Jojo shouted, “She’s here! She’s here! I told you she’d make it! And she brought a new friend too!” Looking up ahead, Emily and Mac saw that False Orchard was a few yards away. Standing on the front porch were a pair of strangers. One was a massively fat man dressed in a business suit, his stubby little limbs barely reaching past his bulk. The other was quite possibly the most beautiful woman Emily had ever seen, tall, blonde, blue eyed, almost angelic. Standing with them were Jojo, Wrappa and Plumella, eagerly awaiting Emily and Mac. “Who’s the lard ass?” Mac asked in an annoyed tone. “And why is he standing on my front porch?” “Only one way to find out,” Emily said in reply, grabbing Mac by the arm and made her way to the house. 

When they arrived, Emily and Mac were met with the two strangers. “Hey lard ass!” Mac shouted venomously at the fat man. “This is a loiter free zone. Do me a favor and just godzilla your way out of here and go graze somewhere else.” Looking down at the scrap, the large man simply smiled, patted him on the head and said, “Well you’re just a little firecracker aren’t you.” Looking at the fat man, Emily asked, “I’m sorry, who are you?” “Oh, sorry about that. The name’s Bob, Bob ‘the Blob’ McQueen: professional entrepreneur.” “I see. Well my name is Emily. It’s nice to meet you,” Emily said in reply before turning towards the woman. “And you must Misfit’s daughter. I’m sure Jojo told you about what happened with your parents.” “Yeah, I was really looking forward to meeting them too,” the woman said, her voice as gentle as a songbird’s. “Although, maybe I can still find my old boyfriend here in Limbo. I remember seeing him as I was ascending into Heaven. Maybe you can help me find him?” Surprised by this, Emily said in reply, “Woah, hold on a second. I literally just met you and you’re already asking me for a huge favor? Doesn’t that seem a little rash. I mean, I don’t even know your name yet.” “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so forward,” the woman apologized, a small smile spreading across her lips. “My name is Mona, and I would like some help finding my boyfriend. Most people just call him Alucard.”