After Saitou-san and I had our chat in the sauna, we went back to our respective rooms. Mom and Mari-san asked us to join them in their room for dinner later tonight. Saitou-san said she was providing the meal in their room around 7 PM so, Hana-chan and I relaxed and played a few games together. When the time arrived, like the mature girls we were, we did one last check around the room then made our way to our "mom's home" in a sense.

"Oh, the sisters arrive!"

Mom greeted us, waving from the table. Saitou-san and Saya-san had already made their way inside. Everyone now sat around with a feast of food in front of them. The entire table was decked head to toe with expensive-looking sushi and seafood platters as far as the eye could see. From how this place operates, it wouldn't surprise me if they have a place nearby that they keep all the fish alive until ready for freshness.

“Eat up everyone! The meals on me.”

 

 

The boss lady sparked in excitement as she clapped her hands together. There we sat in seiza-style around the mountain of food. The majority of it was seafood sushi but there were also, seafood stew, dumplings, and a couple of plates of sushi rolls. Mom was a tad out of it as she was just drinking a few hours back in the bar. I couldn’t say she was drunk, but she certainly had a good share of the bottle. Uncle Ryuji and Mary were off having themselves as honeymoon and we decided to respect that. We figured the majority of this trip we wouldn't see them as they are newly engaged and probably want to spend as many romantic moments together as they could. How...simple of a worry that must be for those two. It made me a little envious if I were being honest.

“Come on, Ayumi…eat.”

Mari-san fed mom a helping of sushi but it was nothing like they usually did. Mom was a tad out of it as she giggled obsessively causing the sushi to deflect off her cheeks as she moved about. Her lover, Mari-san, was noticeably annoyed by this as she tried to land her food plane in mom's mouth.

“Ayumi, if you don’t eat then I’ll take you back in the bedroom and make you sleep off all that liquor!

Her daughter slumped her shoulders. The sight of her stepmother acting like a five-year-old must quite an embarrassment for her. It sure was for me.

“Mom, why did you let mom get like this?”

The fox twisted her body as her frustration peeked. It seemed all of her food planes attempts failed. Knowing how much Mari-san likes to feed others, this must have been vexing for her.

“What was I supposed to do, Hana?! You know how she gets when she's having too much fun!”

Mom waved her right hand as she continued to laugh like a hyena.

“Oh, stop it you two! I'm just happy, you know Mari, Hana?”

“You shouldn’t find happiness at the end of a bottle, Ayumi.”

Saitou-san chimed in from the other side of the table.

“Saitou-san, it wasn’t the end of the bottle... Mari stopped me before I could make it there.”

“Here, eat this, Ayumi. Stop being difficult for me.”

Mari-san made another food plane approach her mouth, chopsticks and all. Instead of opening her mouth and accepting the meal, mom leaned to the side and met her lips with Mari. For a few seconds, everyone watched as they tenderly melted their juicy lips together.

 

 

Just witnessing her have the ability to do that without consequence…tore at me all the more. It pained me to the point that I closed my eyes just so I didn't have to see it anymore. This moment between them was nothing short of happiness despite what Mari-san might say.

“Madoka-san, do you like the sushi? It all comes fresh from outside and maintained in a small manmade pond behind the inn.”

Saitou-san remarked as she eyed the collection of sushi on the table. I’ve never had this quality of sushi before…it was quite expensive and certainly a luxury meal. But here we are like noblemen in a royal ball only having the best of meats. The queen, Saitou-san has bestowed her blessings upon us mortals so we can enjoy a feast like this. In simpler words...she spent a lot of money on this meal.

“I haven’t tried it yet, Saitou-san.”

“Here, Onee-san!”

To no surprise, Hana-chan jumped on like white on rice. My favorite food plane was already ready with her chopsticks in hand and a serving of sushi at the end. So, not to make her wait any longer for landing, I opened my mouth as she fed me. I was becoming used to this, I was painfully aware of that.

"You even feed your Onee-san, Hana-san?!"

Saitou-san erupted, standing to her feet. Saya-san has to settle her sister down with a wave of her hand.

“Ohh, you two are so cute Hana, Madoka.”

Mom giddied with excitement. From the other end of the table, Saitou-san's eyes felt like lasers as she pierced into us. Probably she wanted to be the one feeding me instead of Hana-chan? If that was the case, what do they think I am, a pitiable animal that's starving?

“Ayumi, come on! This is why I told you not to tell her about the bar earlier, Saitou-san. She gets carried away and I'm the one that has to watch her.”

“Oh hush, Mari!”

Mom poked her nose causing that fox to swell up like a red balloon ready to pop.

“That’s easy for you to say, Ayumi. I’m the one taking care of you.”

She nuzzled her nose on Mari-san’s. They gently pushed up against one another. This was becoming a tad too much for Saitou-san and Saya-san to witness now especially at the dinner table.

“You…love…taking…care…of me, don’t you, Mari?”

Hana-chan sank in her seat as she pushed a tuna sushi roll into her mouth. My stomach was starting to twist more than I could take as they shared all these moments that I wished for with...her. I was beginning to feel...ill now. So, I straightened my back and plead with the two lovebirds.

“Mom, Mari-san, this isn’t the right time for this!”

I tried my best to sound calm, mature, composed, but I was a bit too loud and came off as demanding. Mom opened her eyes wide and turned to me. Instead of saying anything, she waited for me to continue. So, I did just that.

“Ah, could you two not do this right now? I mean...we're at the table, guests are over and they shouldn't have to witness this...embarrassing behavior.”

I tried to sound reasonable. It wasn’t just our family here…It was Saya-san and Mari-san’s boss, Saitou-san, that sat across from us. They shouldn’t act this way…even if they are ridiculously in love...

But that wasn’t the only reason why I said that, and I knew it. The pit in my stomach grew larger like becoming a black hole. My fragile body tensed up like someone wrapped me with fishing wire. It was painful, as my heart was being ruthlessly squeezed. I felt exposed that my outburst right now was nothing more than…

 

Me not wanting to see mom…

...flirt with the woman I love too…

 

“Madoka-san is right, Ayumi. We shouldn’t be acting like this in front of the guest. Saitou-san was kind enough to treat us to such a wonderful dinner. We're being disrespectful right now.”

Mari-san added a deep bow towards her boss.

“Oh…I’m quite used to this already though, Madoka-san.”

Saitou-san chimed in with a hardy laugh. She reminded me of an Ojou-sama from a manga.

“They act this way at work, Saitou-san?”

Hana-chan asked the embarrassing question for me.

“They can’t get enough of one another. It’s been nearly two years since they got together yet they act like newlyweds still to this day.”

“…T-That’s not true, Saitou-san!”

Mom complained, face still red, likely from the wine. She leaned her head against Mari-san’s shoulder though, shattering any credibility she had moments ago. These two were nearly inseparable and that should warm my chest but it doesn’t… All it does is make me want to claw at my insides to pull my heart out. That way it wouldn't hurt anymore… 

“I think you both are perfect together. Don’t you agree Risa Onee-san?”

Saya-san snickered as she turned to her elder sister. Despite her saying that Saya-san's face was a tad red too. I’m sure even the con artist was a little shy by how open these two acted. But her words struck a chord in me...

Even Saya-san said that mom and Mari-san are perfect when they are together. How the two years made them grow, connect like two find pieces of rough ore that had been crafted and merged together to make a flawless piece of steel. They were beautiful and shined in complete harmony when they were...together. And not even I could deny that.

“...The sushi is great, Saitou-san.”

I spoke, completely off-topic. How I wanted to ignore the fact that this fire in my heart wasn’t there. How I wished that I could drink a sip of iced tea and it would extinguish the flame that’s been lit since I noticed my feelings for...her, Mari-san.

“Oh, I’m glad, Madoka-san! If you want more I will ask the desk to bring it. Is that what you want, Madoka-san?”

Saitou-san is more conscious of me than ever. Most likely the only reason why she agreed to help me later tonight at 9 PM was her feelings towards me. But is that selfish of her to only be doing it for a chance at my affection? For a moment I pondered that as I searched the food on the table. If Mari-san asked me to do something for her, I would do it solely because it’s Mari-san who asked me to do it for her…

That's the curse that love puts on a person. To be strung around by an invisible cord that hopelessly tugs at one's body. If the woman I loved, Mari-san, pulled me one way with this cord, I would follow her… If she tugged me another way, I’d helplessly go there too. Because I love her, I would want her to acknowledge me so, I'd do all I could for that to happen. Deep in my heart...I'd want them to maybe one day love me back in that way too. Maybe that is how Saitou-san feels and why she's willing to put her neck on the line for...me.

If so...it makes me feel all the more guilty for asking her.

“Onee-san, don’t forget to finish your plate.”

Abruptly, Hana-chan snapped me out of my daydreams. I turned to her and caught eyes with a sad-faced puppy. If she had ears they would be down to her shoulders now. Could it be that my little sister noticed me spacing out again?

“Oh…yeah, you’re right Hana-chan.”

As I ate the meal it was marvelous…but it wasn’t like Mari-san’s meal. It didn’t have the power to make me happy beyond measure. It didn’t make me want to finish every bite…It didn’t capture me and make me feel alive because she was the one who made it.

It now occurred to me as I searched for my next piece of sushi with my chopsticks...  For the last twenty-four hours, everything I thought of always came back to Mari-san. Again, she assaulted my mind and wouldn’t let me go. That’s why I need to understand what happened in the past. If I was with Mari-san in that way, or we had feelings for one another then, why is her daughter the one feeding me and not her? I questioned again and again as I slowly finished my dinner...

 

---

 

“That meal was delicious, Saitou Bucho. Thank you for providing such an experience.”

“It was a pleasure. Remember, we still have one more day here so make sure you guys use all the facilities. Everything is paid for by me.”

“Thank you, Saitou-san! Mari and I are about to use our facility first though.”

Mom gripped on Mari-san like a high school girl possessing her crush. Them being the only two left in this room...I knew just what she meant by that and I’m sure the others did too. Tonight was perfect for a more intimate time together. A new environment, lavish room, romantic scenery…everything I’d want to share with the one I love too…It's the perfect set up for lovers to show their affection towards one another...

Mom has everything I want…and I feel terrible thinking that.

"See you later, Hana-chan, Madoka-san!"

Saya-san waved us goodbye as they both made their way to their room.

As Hana-chan and I walked back to our respective room as well my heart pulsed with irritation. Why am I thinking about this? Mari-san and mom...having a romantic time together. Why am I thinking about something so obscene right now? They would have had plenty of those moments together before I woke up from my coma…

Yeah...that's right, isn't it? 

Mom and Mari-san would have had...sex long before I woke up from my two-year-long coma. They would have seen each other's bare bodies. Heard each other's cries of romance as they made one another feel...special to them.

Once we entered the room, Hana-chan turned on the lights. But it didn't illuminate this darkness capturing my heart. I was still engulfed in this black world with no way out.

 

“Onee-san?”

My roommate tugged on my arm, causing me to lean down closer to her.

“What’s wrong, Hana-chan?”

“…Why are you crying?”

 

 

Air escaped my mouth as I felt my blazing hot cheeks. How could I walk all this way without noticing what was going on with my body? What could I even tell her? That I was crying over the thought of mom and Mari-san having sex? Or maybe tell her how much I wish they weren't intimately involved with one another? That way I could whisk Mari-san away and have her embrace me like that instead? Touch me and tell me how she truly feels about me...instead?

“I…I’m just not feeling too well right now, Hana-chan.”

I attempted to lie but my voice cut out on me. Like someone was blocking my airways, my voice kicked out harshly as I tried to save face. But I’m not Mari-san…or Mae-chan…I haven’t perfected a smile to use when I’m hurt yet. Only recently did these pains start to assault me so hard that I couldn’t recover from them. I’m still weak despite my need to become stronger.

“Onee-san, it’s obvious that you’re lying to me! Something is going on with you and it’s hurting you inside! Why won’t you tell me already?!”

She was aggressive now as she pulled on my yukata sleeve. But her eyes weren't full of anger, no, they were filled with something I could only describe as pity. Hana-chan…had tears in her eyes too.

“I hate seeing you hurt but you won’t trust me enough to let me in! What is it that’s hurting you so much, Onee-san?”

“…I…I… just don’t want to hurt anyone Hana-chan but…but I know...I will.”

The tears began to flood down my chin now. Was there any way to be strong while crying? No, this was nothing but the same weakness I’ve shown my entire life. As if nothing in these past months about me had changed. I was still struggling to be stronger.

“What do you mean? Who are you going to…hurt? I don’t get it, Onee-san!”

I gazed at the one who would suffer most from my choice.  A small girl who fought hard to make sure her family was accepted by others. She would openly call Mari-san and Ayumi, "mom." Not just because they are in turn her mothers but…to make sure the world knows that she accepts them both as that role. Not only that, but Hana-chan was the one who suddenly cried "Onee-san" to me that day in the bath…bringing me into the fold of being the older sister of this family. If anything, Hana-chan created this family.

I pet her head gently…would I be willing to hurt this flower who shot up and accepted me into the din of sheep? Would I be the monster that ravages her family and tears it to pieces? The fact that I can’t say yes…or even say no…scares me. It scares me to death. I…I wish that my feelings would stop and disappear. So I could just be Mari-san’s daughter and she can be my mother. That way I wouldn’t want to touch her…or kiss her…or have her tell me she loves me…

“I’m…I’m going to talk to Saitou-san about something, Hana-chan…”

“About something?”

“Yes…about mom and what happened after I went into my coma. I'm also going to see if she knows about my trauma that made me stay in my room. The one that mom is hiding from me.”

I leaned against the wall feeling all the more defeated now. Hana-chan put her soft head on my shoulder.

“I see…so, you’re going behind mom’s back and finding out what happened then, Onee-san?”

She made it sound as though I was betraying mom’s trust…and she was right…I was doing just that. I was being like a thief and stealing the secrets she held dear to her heart so I could expose them…because I couldn't trust her any longer.

“Yes…and I’m scared about what I might find out…Hana-chan. I'm...actually terrified.”

I curled my knees up to my chin as I masked my lips behind them. They trembled as the tears kept rolling down my face. 

“I get it Onee-san. Not knowing why they're keeping it from you...that does sound scary.”

I nodded. How I felt like a child in the corner of the room pouting. The complete opposite of what I wanted to be. If anyone looked into this situation they wouldn't call me mature or strong...no, I was emotionally weak like always.

“But…I’m more afraid that I might find out something that would change the way I think about things, Hana-chan. Maybe even the way I think about...mom.”

I was afraid that what Saitou-san would tell me might solidify how much Mari-san and mom mean to one another. It might create a solid barrier that I dare not touch. And that scares me. The weight of this discussion might determine how I will go about my feelings for Mari-san, and that terrifies me.

“…What time are you going to meet Saitou-san, Onee-san?”

“…She asked me to come to the lounge at 9:30 PM, after closing. So, I ask that you stay here until I get back, Hana-chan. And...if mom or Mari-san come to the door, could you make an excuse and say that I'm asleep?”

She rubbed my back and shook her head from side to side. In this situation, it felt like Hana-chan was the Onee-san, doing her best to calm her little sister's heart.

“No, I won’t Onee-san.”

I gazed at the flower whose eyes pierced me with determination.

“If you’re worried about what you might find out…then I’ll be there to support you.”

“…What?”

“Don’t you get it by now Onee-san?! You’re harboring all these feelings to yourself and it’s destroying you inside!”

Hana-san nearly shouted at me and it caused my heart to race in a different way. The fire in her words warmed my body as she took my cheeks in her hands and yelled her feelings out to me.

“I love you to death but you can’t do everything alone! I will be there for you, Onee-san!”

“Hana-chan...”

It took my little sister to make me snap out of it. Her passion made my weak heart pound against my chest with a new kind of rhythm. So, I took her in my arms as I let these tears dry up. There was no time for this, no time to be weak. She was right, even Sophia-san was right…I’ve been trying to harbor everything on my own…haven't I? And that might have been a version of weakness that I couldn’t overcome yet. Here I wanted to express myself more clearly but I have been shying away at doing so at the worst of times.

“Hana-chan…thank you. Thank you so much for being my little sister.”

“Onee-san…”

“I’ll be strong and learn what I need to.”

And if the truth of what happened takes me further away from the one I love…then so be it.

 

This flower here…I never want to hurt. I…I don’t ever want to see her break. But how long do I have before I crack under my feelings for Mari-san? Like a weight is constantly trying to smother me, I can’t bear it for much longer. Soon I'll be engulfed in these feelings and I'll lash out, say something that would ruin the family I love...