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Ayumi’s Perspective

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“Mommy, wake up!”

 

 

“Ayumi, you can’t keep sleeping in, dear. You’re going to be late.”

“Five more minutes…”

“Mommy, you said that twenty minutes ago!”

Buried deep in my warm blankets, the new morning light attempted to wake me up. So, to escape, I skillfully dug deeper into the sheets. But the morning police were right on my tail as they tugged at my shoulders. There was no way that I’d get back to sleep at this rate.

 

 

“Honey, Madoka, I’ll be up…in a minute.”

I complained, pushing myself deeper into the covers.

“Arrrgg…Mommy!”

“Ayuuuumiiiii~”

“Mommy, wake up! We’re going to be late! ~”

“Ayuuuuuumiiiii~”

“Mom…”

 

 

“Madoka?!”

 

Coldly, I opened my eyes only to meet the white ceiling. That moment when Madoka, my baby was hit by that car screamed in my mind. As I calmed down, reality filtered in slowly. The room was freezing…it would seem as though I fell asleep without the covers on again. But despite that, my body was warm…As if the touch of those two were still grasping onto me. My pink dress, picked out by Madoka, wasn't enough to keep me warm at night.

 

 

“…Arrgg…”

I pulled the blankets over my head…trying to hide from the morning’s light. But the officers weren’t there to wake me up anymore. Nobody would bother me now. I could sleep forever, and…nobody would stop me…

“I miss you two…”

I wiped my burning cheeks on the cold blankets.

“Madoka…Honey…why d-did you have to leave me? W-What did I do to deserve this? Why…do I have to be alone?”

I begged for whatever god could hear me. If there was one that is…

“I’m alone…I-I’m so alone. Someone, please hold me…”

I pleaded to no avail. In this empty apartment, I wasn’t even myself. I couldn’t say that a person even lived here anymore. I was too empty to even make a whole person. All I wanted to do was waste away in the solitude.

Quietly, I begged that it was all a nightmare and that I’d wake up. That the love of my life was beside me, holding me from behind as we slept together. But life isn’t kind…It’s full of hardships…

And sometimes those hardships are far too much for one to handle. Despite the time of day being late in the morning…I drifted back to sleep.

It was a week after Madoka’s diagnosis of her coma…

All I could do was lie in bed and think about how much I missed hearing her voice. Thought about all the times that I was a terrible mother…

My mind would constantly go back to that time…

 

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“She’s at the hospital, Mari-san?”

Why was this happening? I asked internally as I raced out the door. First, my precious Madoka changed…now this?

“I’ll be right there.”

I was sure everything would work out somehow. I prayed that everything was okay as I made my way to the hospital. Once I entered, Madoka was still in the emergency room. Sitting outside the ER on a bench was Mari-san. With her hands on her face, she mournfully sobbed. I stood there for a moment watching her in a state I’ve never seen before. I don’t think she noticed me, but the tone of her voice was anguished as she cried out...

“Madoka…I didn’t want this to happen…I just…I just…”

“Mari-san?”

“Huh?”

She turned to me with tears clouding her eyes. The pent-up emotions of frustration and sadness overtook her face in a spiral of emotions.

“…I’m so sorry!”

Those were the first words she struggled to get out as she stood up. Eventually, she made her way to me. With her hands clenching my shoulders she pleaded with me in a hoarse voice.

“I’m sorry! I-I didn’t mean for this…Ayumi-san. I’m sorry…”

“Calm down and tell me what happened, Mari-san…W-What happened to my baby?”

 

 

I held her trembling shoulders in my arms as she attempted to tell me everything. How Madoka was fine at first when they went out. She enjoyed her time…until she started feeling uneasy. That’s when Mari-san set her down for a moment, and… that was all it took for her to be gone. She explained that Madoka got up and wandered off…only for her to get injured.

Once the doctors let us in after some time, I gazed at her. She lied in the hospital bed motionlessly. The swelling on the back of her head was unpleasant to look at. Timidly, I looked away from her face. I couldn’t dare see my baby in that state. But Mari-san was stronger than me. She stayed there beside her.

How horrible of a mother was I to allow this to happen to my baby?

As time passed by nothing was changing. I would enter the room, and she would be lying in that same spot. There was no sign of my Madoka coming back to life…

“It’s been days…and she hasn’t woken up…”

Mournfully, I asked the doctors, “When would my baby wake up?” “Will she come home soon?”

For some reason, my mind couldn’t wrap around the idea that she was…sleeping. I assumed one day I’d walk in and she’d be sitting up in her bed. But every day I visited proved me wrong. It felt as though I was going to a funeral for my baby. For days, that same wake was ready for me. That’s when my mind concluded that the girl in that bed…couldn’t be my Madoka. How I grew to…hate the sight of that stranger in the bed.

 

“I want to see you again…

…I want to see you both again…”

I opened my eyes to the bright morning. The birds chirped and the cars on the highway roared…nothing changed in this world, but my bed was colder than usual.

“…I hate this.”

Looking over at the bottles of liquor that piled up beside me…my world continued to move but I was standing still. I couldn’t bring myself to get up. I…didn’t want to visit that mannequin in the bed. The doll that was supposed to be my Madoka. The one with the tube down her throat.

“She’s not my Madoka… I…I don’t want to see that anymore.”

 

But I couldn’t just not go and see her…

“The Madoka I know should have woken me up today…She should have made breakfast and we should have chatted together before she went to school. Nothing's right anymore…”

That’s when my phone lit up from under my blankets. It rumbled, begging me to answer it. So, I looked at the caller and it was the last person I wanted to speak to…

“…Hello?”

“Good morning Ayumi-san. I…I just wanted to check in on you.”

“…Hello, Mari-san.”

She took a deep breath before continuing.

“Are you…feeling alright?”

“…I have a headache. So, I’m going to take some medicine and get some more rest if you don’t mind.”

“Oh…I see. Ah…can I pick you up later today then? We can both go see Madoka.”

She wanted to…go see Madoka. That doll in the bed that wouldn’t smile, tell me she loved me, hold me when I needed warmth…She wanted me to go and…see my baby like that again? Annoyed, I replied.

“…I’ll meet you there. I-I might be in later than usual. I…have some things to take care of so our times won’t match up for you to pick me up...”

Mari-san sighed and went silent for a moment. I could hear her rustle some papers from the other side of the phone. She was likely at work, that became clear to me.

“…I never told you what time I’ll be coming to your place though, Ayumi-san...”

The line went silent. It was obvious that Mari-san noticed that I just didn’t feel like seeing her today. But was that so bad? Wouldn’t it be normal for me to be upset and not want to see her?

No…I was being horrible to her, wasn’t I? It was an accident. Everything was just an accident. Nobody was to blame, and I knew that…but that’s what frustrated me the most. That…nobody was to blame…but me.

“M-Mari-san.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll…just go alone and meet you there.”

“N-No wait…I…I’m just having a hard time…and I’d like a bit of time to myself. T-That’s all.”

“Yes, I understand, Ayumi-san. You don’t have to explain…”

“A-Are you sure? I don’t want any misunderstandings.”

“Yes, I understand, Ayumi-san…I’m sorry…I’m just doing everything I can to help.”

“…You’re sweet Mari-san. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye, for now.”

She hung up as if running from me now. That day I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt. Mari-san…was a sweet young woman who was capable and strong.

When she was only twenty, she lost her husband of four years and had to take care of her little girl alone. I’ve never been in that kind of situation. Madoka was going into her teenage years when I lost the love of my life. I couldn’t imagine taking care of Madoka alone when I was that young.

 

But even so, Mari-san was there to help me with Madoka.

 

 

She knew how to be a single parent. Despite being nearly 9 years younger than me…I think I relied on her more than I should have. She was…very hands-on with Madoka. Madoka liked her a lot.

Yes…Madoka liked her quite a lot. And…that made me happy.

But now that Madoka was gone…it felt as though her light wouldn’t shine into my world anymore. My heart sank into the deepest parts of the ocean. I realized that there was a chance my baby wouldn’t come back to me.

But my dreams were different. They brought me back to the past. They reminded me of the joys I had with my husband and Madoka…Yes, my dreams. They made me…happy. How I wished I could dream as she does…So, maybe I could be with her and we both dream of a world together, far away from this cruel one…

“...How nice it would be…”

I took out the bottle of sleep medication. Lately, it’s been harder for me to sleep through the night. Along with that, the throbbing pain of my morning headache wouldn’t go away. Everything about this world was painful now. How I wished for all these troubles to fade into the background. To disappear as I drift into a world full of happiness.

 

“I want to see my baby...and the love of my life again…”

That’s when the number of pills I was prescribed increased in my hand. The mountain of pain medication also swirled together. Shakily, I mixed them with one finger. The bright red and blue pieces reminded me of sweet candy.

As they washed down my throat, soaked in bitter liquor. 

 

 

“It would be wonderful...to see them again.”

I whispered.

“How great it would be to never wake up again…”

The next day I was scheduled to be at work…but I didn’t make it in.

I was too busy dreaming of the people I love.

 

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......

 

 

“You can’t leave her like that…”

 

 

Tears hit my cheeks as I looked about the room. My vitals echoed out sharply, reminding me of what I just did to myself.

“I was so scared when you wouldn’t wake up, Ayumi-san. I don’t think I could handle telling Madoka…if you left her!”

“…Mari?”

Confused, I faced her.

“Ayumi-san, never do that again. If not for my sake…for Madoka. She needs you, Ayumi-san. Madoka needs you!”

Mari cried on my stomach. It took me a moment to register what she was saying…

“I’m going to stay with Madoka until she wakes up…but I don’t know what I’d say to her if you were gone when she woke up.”

Tears rained down her face…I…made Mari-san cry. That’s the first time it occurred to me…That I wasn’t alone, was I?

Mari-san was there beside me. Tears flooded her eyes as she faced me. That’s when my heart began to beat softly as I noticed how special to me, she became…

 

That’s when she stopped being Mari-san…

...and started being my White Knight.