I was getting ready in my room as I was heading over to my ‘ father’s' home to eat dinner with him there. It seemed like our relationship was getting ‘closer’ and he wanted to show his improved opinion of me by having me eat dinner at his house.

  I didn’t feel honored by this at all. Just made me feel like he was telling me I should be thankful that I can be in his grace.  I hated this man and one day I wish I could become higher than him in status. Not through marrying someone powerful but with my own skill. 

  I let out a sigh as I realized it would be a long process for me to reach that goal of mine. Even if I see him as a piece of shit this ‘father’ of mine is someone who earned his status in the world.  He is ruthless in his deals and doesn’t let useless emotions affect his business deals.

  I looked at myself in the mirror and reached up to touch my eyes. I hate to admit it but my eyes remind me of him. So cold and empty. I wish I could dig out my eyes so I don’t have anything that reminds me of that man.

  Feeling the sticky sensation of blood on my fingers as I take out my eyes... It would be painful but it would get the job done. I would no longer be able to see his eyes anymore...

  Before I got too deep in the dark emotions I composed myself.  I was getting better at doing that. I don’t get to the point of panicking whenever my emotions get too much for me to handle and my magic goes to consume me. It still annoying that this happens at complete random without me being able to stop it.

  “O noso doce neno, cara a onde te dirixes con roupa tan fermosa? (Our sweet child, where are you going in such beautiful clothing?)”  I was slowly surrounded by a huge shadow as I looked in the mirror. I felt cold hands touch my shoulders but it didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. I lean into the hold of this shadow being and nuzzle into their embrace.

  “I have to go eat dinner with my father and brother today. Even if I hate it I don’t want to look like a slob in front of them.”  I could feel the figure take a hand off my shoulder and touch my hair. They were being extra careful not to mess up the high ponytail I had held together with a daisy hair tie.  

  “Parécenos interesante que, a pesar de que os odias, non queiras parecer mal diante deles. (we find it interesting that even though you hate them, you don’t want to look bad in front of them.) Por que non queres parecer mal diante deles a nosa doce Aurelia? (Why don’t you want to look bad in front of them our sweet Aurelia?)”  When they question this I felt myself freeze for a moment and look at myself in the mirror. 

  I was wearing a long black wrap dress with round short sleeves. I had white stockings under my dress and was wearing high heel flats. I had a white cardigan on as well that gave me a mature look. I felt happy when I first put this on but now I am questioning the reason for it.

  I couldn’t believe that I was doing it hoping that either my ‘father’ or ‘brother’ would compliment me… I don’t care what they think about me. I am doing it because I like these clothes… right?

  ‘I wish they could love me… Even if they look at me with such hate-filled eyes I can’t help but love them still. One day I will be good enough to earn their approval. We will be a happy family and we will live together.’ 

  ‘How fucking disgusting. What is this? Some fucking bullshit children cartoon where love and understanding will fix this fucked up family? I can’t tell if this is the original Aurelia or if it is you ▇▇▇▇▇. They hate your guts and wish you weren’t here.  Nothing clearer than that.’

  ‘If I keep on trying they may one day love me. Is it wrong to wish for that? I must not be doing enough. That's why they still hate me. I have to keep getting better. I want them to look at me with love in their eyes.’

 ‘Ugh, I may just be a voice but I almost puke at that shit. One day they will love me! Gross, how sad are you. Don’t forget your life before ▇▇▇▇▇. Always hated by the family who took you in, especially the one with their own children. You were only loved because you were useful to them. Now… Don’t let this pitiful child emotion make you forget… Who was the one who helped you get through life? A family or yourself? Don’t forget that or else you will be hurt again. That's my only warning ▇▇▇▇▇. Don’t ignore it.’ 

 I was kneeling on the ground as the two voices spoke to me. My head was pounding and everything felt so dizzy at the moment. I couldn’t tell if I was awake or asleep. If this was really me or if I was just a puppet being controlled by an outside force. I. Want. It. To. STOP!

  I had to force myself not to dig my fingers into my face as my emotions were getting too much for me to handle. Breathing felt so hard at the moment and I couldn't see in front of me. I was drenched in my sweat and my body felt so cold. I didn't know if I was dying at the moment. I was so scared and wanted someone to help me. I didn't like this at all and I wanted it to stop already.

  “A nosa doce Aurelia ... perdón por desencadearte. debemos ter máis coidado coas nosas palabras xa que sabemos o sensible que é a túa alma pero aínda falamos sen pensalo. (Our sweet Aurelia ... sorry for triggering you. we must be more careful with our words as we know how sensitive your soul is but we still speak without thinking.)” I could feel cold arms hugging me from behind but at the moment they felt so warm. I just wanted to lose myself in their hug and forget about everything and everyone. But I knew I couldn’t do that no matter how much I wanted it…

  “...I am fine… You made me realize something important. I shouldn’t be wasting my time with people who don’t like me. It is rather foolish of me and I should have stopped this a long time ago.” I got out of the embrace of the figure and forced myself not to go back into their hug.  I looked at myself once more in the mirror before taking out my ponytail. I still felt a bit shaken up and I couldn't stop trembling but I force my eyes to get cold.

  I wasn’t going to do dinner once a week with my ‘father’ anymore. I have more important things to focus on and that ‘family’ of mine is something I shouldn’t concern myself with unless it is avoidable. 

  I could feel my heart tighten with an unknown emotion but I just narrowed my eyes as I put a hand over my chest. These feelings of mine concerning my 'family' are pointless… I am no longer the old Aurelia. These feelings of hers are holding me back. I have to close them off.

  I am not going to suffer because of senseless hope. I am no longer a naive child anymore.

  "Aurelia? Are you ready to head out?"  Mae knocks on my door as she slowly opens it up. The coldness that was behind me disappear as soon as she appears. I felt an uncontrollable sense of abandonment when this happens but a pulse from the magic stone around my neck calm me down.

  "I decided I no longer wish to eat with my father and brother once a week anymore. I want to focus more on my studies and taking time out of my day for them is cutting in with my time for studying." I took off my cardigan as I was speaking to Mae. I walk over to my closet and went to pick out something else to wear. 

  I was going to take these clothes and burn them later when no one was around. I can't believe I wanted to be acknowledged by those useless shit. I don't need anyone's approval. I just need to focus on myself and not people's opinions.

  'I wish they would say they are proud of me and that they love me. I would feel so wanted if they just say that one thing to me. I just want them to love me and to hold me...' 

  I cover my mouth as I felt a strong emotion go through me. I felt like I was going to puke from this heavy emotion that came out of nowhere. I don't need to be dealing with this shit. I don't need them. I am fine.

  "Aurelia! You got so pale! Are you okay? Should I get some medicine for you? I think you should just lay down for today. I will tell your father that you will no longer eat with him and your older brother once a week. Please make sure to rest." Mae was looking at me with such concern eyes that the heavy emotions I was feeling ease up for a second and I didn't feel like puking anymore.

  "...I will do that Mae. Wake me up when there is food for me to eat." Since I felt rather sick at the moment I decided it was best if I just slept it off. It would be foolish to push myself when I am not at my one hundred percent.

  Mae still had a worried look on her face but she left my room with a reluctant frown on her face. When I was alone again I went to change back into my sleeping clothes and went to my bed. I could feel the heavy emotion still going through my body and I tried my best to ignore what the voice kept saying to me as I force myself to fall asleep.

  'I just want to be loved like everyone else... I will let you do anything to me if it means you will love me as well. Please just love me and quit looking at me with such cold eyes... Please, anyone, can you love me?'

  I ignore the voice as it started to cry in my head. It was the voice of someone pathetic and I shouldn't be listening to someone like that or else I may end up thinking like them. Thinking like a naive fool. I am not a naive fool. I...

Danshi

Well hopefully I got the different language okay since I have no one I could talk to about it. But anyway let talk about Aurelia. Now I am saying this in the right way but she is quite an emotional person but she tries to hide it from people. She tries to hide that she is emotional by using logic but isn't good at it. I am curious what you guys think the voices in her head are. Is it someone else, her honest feelings, or is it both? I won't tell but I am curious about what you guys think. I will tell you later on in the story but you will have to wait. Also, I am going to say sorry right now since the lastest chapter I have written was not a good situation for Aurelia. The next chapter isn't that bad but the chapter after it is pretty bad. I already said too much so I will stop talking right now.