I felt like Merrill became even strange after our time in the forest together. We had to leave early since he was bitten by a snake, but he became clingy. It was like he was another Eli and for some reason, that seemed to upset Eli a lot.

  But I was too focus on other stuff to really try to understand why he was upset with that. It feels like my past life keeps merging with my current life. I would see things from my past life but they would quickly disappear once I look at them again. It feels like I am in a nightmare that is slowly becoming a part of my reality. I feel like I am going crazy but I don’t know what to do.

  I am scared… What if I can’t tell the difference between my past life and this life. I know I have to remember my past fully to get over it but I don’t want to feel the pain again. It feels like I am slowly getting surrounded by darkness that I can’t escape from. 

  It would be so fucked up if you are only in a coma and you really didn’t die. How much pain would you be in if you realize that you didn’t escape from that shitty life of yours? Would you kill yourself again? What a fucking coward you are, Alina.

  I dislike this voice with a passion, always bringing up things I don’t want to think about. I am never free from them. All my dreams are just filled with them mocking me and all my choices. I hate them and they hate me…

  I was in a daze as I sat outside of the house and was holding a daisy in my hand. It didn’t have any flower petals on it anymore. This was the tenth flower that I destroyed and there was a pile slowly getting bigger next to me. I couldn’t focus on any of the books I was reading in the library and I didn’t want to train either. I also was hiding away from everyone, I just wanted to be alone.

  I felt irritated and I didn’t know how to get rid of this stupid feeling. Feeling my emotions getting out of control again I found another daisy to rip the petals off of. I pretend it was my emotions that I was ripping on this daisy. I didn’t know if it was helping me…

  ‘I wish I could have a smoke…’ I could feel my hands shaking and that familiar feeling when I wanted to smoke appear again in my body. I dropped the daisy without any petals to the ground and I held out my left arm before I dug my nails into it.

  I didn’t stop until I was sure blood was going to come out of my arm. I felt like I was tearing my skin apart but I only saw small cuts appearing on my arm. I was in pain so that meant I was awake… But what if I am being lied to by my head. What if I am really not in pain? I need to know. I have to know. Let me know the answer to my question.

  I spotted a rock nearby and I had a thought appear in my head. I should smash that on my hand and see if it will wake me up… If it means I am risking breaking my hand to see if I am really awake I don’t care. I wanted to be in pain so I can know that I am actually here. I need to feel... something, anything...

  “What are you doing here, Aurelia? Everyone has been wondering where you are.” I was brought out of my thoughts and the darkness I didn’t notice before slowly disappeared from me. I couldn’t help but frown when I saw who was bothering me, Isaias.

  “...Go away. I want to be alone.” I slowly released my nails from my arm and I could feel a dull pain coming from it. I didn’t know if I was bleeding badly or not. I didn’t care. I grabbed another daisy and went to pull the petals off of it. Some blood appears on the new daisy in my hand but I didn't care too much.

  “You really like destroying daisies. You must really hate them or something.” Isaias didn’t take my advice and leave. He just sat his ass down on the ground next to me and watched as I ripped the petals off the daisy in my hand. I felt annoyed that I wasn't alone anymore and my thoughts were getting too much. I needed to smoke so badly...

  I didn’t say anything to him and just focused on taking all the petals off and putting them in the pile with the rest. If I just pretend he isn’t here then he will leave me alone. Bastard, all of them. They think so little of you but start crying the moment you fight back. Why should you lower your head and apologize? Make them hurt, make them cry, make them question why they are alive.

  “I have thought about the reason why you hate me. I notice something interesting whenever you look at me when you think I am not looking. It feels like you aren’t looking at me, it feels like you are looking at someone else.” I could feel myself twitch as he mentioned that and I tried to ignore it as I went to get another daisy from the ground and start to pull at the petals once again.

  “I saw the look before and I often have that look as well. I wonder if you are seeing your father whenever you look at me. I would understand since I heard about the way he treats you after all. But there is nothing about me that should remind you of him.” Isaias kept talking and I was starting to hear static coming from my ears. The daisy in my hand started to look different…

  “I wonder if it's your brother you are seeing whenever you look at me. But that wouldn’t make sense either since he is here as well so you couldn’t mistake me for him. I wonder who you are seeing when you look at me with those hate-filled eyes. I wonder who you hate that much with a passion.” I could barely hear Isaias anymore and it felt like I was in a static TV. My head felt heavy and light at the same time. It felt like… What did it feel like? 

  I shouldn’t listen to him and keep pulling at the daisies in front of me. Wait a minute… When did the daisies become the head of people? I am just ripping their heads off and listening to them scream. Who are they again? I don't remember, I don't care. I hate them. All of them are pieces of shit.

  My hands are covered in their blood but it doesn’t make me feel better. Why don’t I feel better? I should feel better. This isn’t fair. How come I am the monster for making them pay for all the pain they gave me? Am I really the bad one? Mommy tells me if I am a good person... Am I really a waste of space who shouldn't have been born?

No matter how much I keep hurting them it doesn’t make me feel better. What is happening? I just want to feel better. Everything is wrong and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to deal with this feeling anymore. I wish I wasn't able to feel anything. Just make everything go numb... I like it when I am numb.

  “A...Aurelia… Can...Can’t...Breath…” How did this happen? When did I put my hands around Isaias' neck? What is that black ink dropping on his face? Is… Is that my tears? Why am I crying? I don't understand why I am like this... Is this really me? Who am I again? I am Alina... Wrong... It Aurelia...

  I don’t know anymore. My head is weird. I have to leave. Where should I go? I don’t know. I will find somewhere. I take my hands from Isaias's neck and get off of him. I could hear him calling out to me but I didn't stop to listen to what he wanted to say, I needed to go away. I walked back into the house and went to my room. I don’t remember much as I was heading back to my room, it was like a dream. 

  I could feel a warmth coming from my neck and I touched the magic stone I always kept with me. I put my hand on it for a while before taking it off and throwing it on the bed. I felt my body become even colder once I did that but I didn’t move to get it back. No matter how badly I wanted to grab it off the bed, I won't pick it up...

  I headed into the bathroom and turned on the light. I face myself in the mirror and I realize I couldn’t make out what I look like. My face was scribbled out… What did I look like before? Did I have black hair… No, that was Alina. What color was my hair? Were my eyes black? No, that was Alina. My right ear should look like a piece of it is missing... No that isn't right, I am not Alina. 

  I say that but the person in the mirror keeps changing and getting even more scribble... I don't know what is real or fake anymore. I don't know what I really look like anymore. Do I really look different or am I just the same? Did anything really change about me or am I just imagining it?

  Who am I again? I am Aurelia… No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia... No, I am Alina... No, I am Aurelia…

  I couldn’t take the endless thoughts in my head anymore so I punched at the mirror in front of me until it cracked. I could see two people in the mirror but are they truly me? Who am I anymore? This is too much for me to handle… I feel so sick. I could feel my hand that punch the mirror twitching and I felt a dull sensation of pain.

  I looked at my hand and realize I was bleeding badly and there was a glass shard in it. It was deep in my hand and I grab at it. I twisted it around in my hand for a second so it could make the cut even bigger. After it felt like I couldn't handle the pain anymore I finally took out the glass from my hand. There was a long cut that was bleeding on my hand and I think I could see my bone. I decided to wash my hand and headed out of the bathroom before I did anything else to myself.

  I walked in a daze toward the balcony of my room and looked down toward the ground. I got on the handrail and jumped. I fell to the ground but I only felt a dull sense of pain. I slowly started to walk in a random direction away from the house. I could feel that I was bleeding from my hand again but I didn't bother to deal with it.

  I could hear the voice of the figure calling out to me but I was too deep in my thoughts to make out what they were saying to me. I just wanted to get away from everything for a while. I needed to be alone. I could feel a dull pain going through my body but I didn't care to stop and see what was going on with my body.

  I could feel a huge amount of darkness surrounding me as my thoughts became even harder to understand. I felt myself being consumed by the darkness but I didn’t mind it at all. I just needed to be alone so I could understand my thoughts. I will go to sleep for a while and hopefully wake up somewhere else… 

  I just wanted to be somewhere far away right now... My eyes were getting blurry and it felt like it was hard to keep walking. The area surrounding me was completely dark and I could feel my legs getting weak. I couldn't make out anything in front of me anymore and I felt light-headed. I couldn't walk anymore and I fell down, I could feel the dull pain slowly disappearing. I close my eyes and I slowly sank into the darkness.

Danshi

You ever just question if you are really here? That you are not just stuck in an endless dream that you can't escape from? What a shitty feeling and I understand that feeling. It is hard to figure out if you are really here or not. That is currently what Aurelia is going through.