Lilith? What does that mean?

‘...’

You can’t just say ‘not exactly’ and refuse to elaborate. Are you counting the weird feral side that I have or something?

‘In a way.’

Cut the vague shit, Lilith. We’re supposed to be working together, remember?

‘I’m aware. I would urge you not to downplay the severity and significance of our union. Two Deathless is a gross understatement. We are an abject anomaly, and the first of our kind. I am beginning to suspect there is more to us than two wayward souls stitched together by mishap.’

Well it’s nice to know you think of us as more than just a BOGO kind of Deathless. 

‘BOGO? Is this another one of your tricks where you get me to ask what bogo is only to insult me with an ingrate jest.’

Hah! You’re getting a better sense for that, but no. It just means ‘buy one, get one’. Deals that a market might set up to bring in more customers.

‘Oh. I have not perused a market for some time now.’

Ah, right. You just steal what you need.

‘If it is a need, why do you label it as stealing? Humans love to extort other humans for the necessities of life.’

Oh fuck off, are you telling me Deathless live in some currency free society? 

‘Mine did. But to your point, I believe we are far more than a… BOGO Deathless. I am attempting to ascertain more about our nature.’

“Well if you aren’t some juiced up God-Deathless, can’t we convince them that there’s no point in doing all of this?” Phern interrupted my internal dialogue with my mental passenger to ask a naive question.

“With how Laia sees me, there will be no convincing anytime soon. Besides, even if they thought I was normal, I doubt they’d leave me be. They’ve poured a lot of resources into this hunt, and it doesn’t take too much convincing from the public to continue hunting a Deathless.”

“Then what are our options? We hope we can hide forever from the entire Kistram Empire? We certainly can’t expect to destroy the entire Empire as a handful of Belligerent Bandits.” Cecelia had now walked up to the table with the rest of us, having crudely tied the strap of her bag into itself. It wouldn’t last long, but it would save her pride a few more days.

“You could live in Uroro with my people!” Nessyndra offered.

“We could flee Kistram altogether? There are other lands far away that could give us some freedom.” Phern offered after Nessyndra, giving the group two decisions to mull around in their minds. Offers I was not willing to accept.

“No. I’m not going to hide forever. I don’t think they will give up. Even if the Empire pulls back, someone like Laia never will. I can’t allow her to find us again and kill one of you. We need to get ahead of them. Learn the specifics of how they plan to steal the power of a God that they believe I have. I only know of two places that might have any information on their plans, and one is significantly safer than the other.”

‘Two places?’

“Varenthell will have information. But it’s the capital, the nest of the beast that hunts us across the land. Going there is almost a death sentence.” It felt unnecessary to have to spell out all of the reasons why heading straight to my home city would be dangerous. Everyone amongst the group aside from Nessyndra was aware of what a journey to Varenthell would entail.

“It’s suicide, love. Please tell me your other option is more fruitful.”

“Euchust.” 

“Why would the ancient remains of a prison have the information you want?” Nessyndra was the first to speak up about her suspicions. She was not the last.

“Seriously, love? You said yourself that we need information on their plans in order to put a stop to it. Why would there be any information in Euchust on their planned transfer of power?”

“Do you just want us to go there for Vyra?” Phern asked. “If that’s why you want to go, then you can just say so, Ester.” Her words seemed genuine, but it almost didn’t matter. If I did say that it was only to find Vyra, I would be met with a difficult question. Why would we go to Euchust if there isn’t any information there?

It didn’t feel like I could afford to admit that. I understood where Sebil was coming from as well. We couldn’t afford to waste time when being pursued. But I couldn’t just leave Vyra. If she was there, in the Divine Epoch prison, I was going to find her.

“Vyra has information. She said so in our conversation.” I lied. 

“Didn’t you say that she was cut off while mentioning Euchust?” Cecelia asked, pointing out one of the contradictions within my statement. It was the first time that I hated how much she paid attention to my words. 

“I did. She mentioned the Empire’s plans before she mentioned Euchust. If she has that information, and Euchust is where we’ll find her, then we need to go there.”

“You’re sure about this, love? I have no issue making our way to Euchust after we foil the Empire’s plans to get Godlike power to themselves. But if we detour now, there’s a chance they only get closer to their goal.” It was possible that Sebil was right. He was making an educated guess, as scientists often did. The Empire might become more of a threat the longer we wait. But Vyra could be in more danger the longer I waited. I couldn’t lose her again. 

“Positive. We need to go to Euchust first.”

‘Lying to your friends again, little morsel? Not the best habit to have when their lives hang in the balance.’

That’s all you have to say? I thought you’d be on their side. You don’t want to beeline it straight to the capital?

‘The capital is not a very safe place. I do not mind kicking that stone down the road for a while longer. Besides, we made a deal, remember? I believe uncovering the fate of Vyra was one of the stipulations.’

“Very well. If you think it's our best option, Ester. I only hope the Empire loses our trail somewhere along the way to Euchust.” Seeing the sorrow in Sebil’s eyes made it hard to even look away from him. It seemed as though he had more fear of seeing Lucas again than he had for the Empire. A heavily distorted fear, since one was clearly more of a threat than the other. But difficult emotions tended to lay a heavy hand on the scale.

“Then we head towards the Divine Epoch prison. Do either of you even know where it is?” Cecelia looked between Sebil and I for directions. Sebil seemed like he was about to speak, but I managed to slip my words out before he got a chance.

“If you have a map, I could point it out.” I said. I could see Sebil nod in agreement from the corner of my vision.

“THEN PICKLE YOUR TOES AND DO A DANCE! I found my big ol’ map for ya.” Phern slammed down a very large map on the small table that had thankfully been cleared by Nessyndra a few moments before. I thought I had heard that Phernism before. I think it meant something along the lines of ‘you’re in luck’. Don’t ask me how it meant that.

I leaned over the table only to realize I was on the wrong side of the table to view the map right side up. I moved around the table and then began to move the map around. It was large enough that only a portion of the map could lay along the flat surface of the table at one time. 

“Okay… Here is Uroro Lake.”

“My home… it is so small within the contents of this map.” Nessyndra was astonished at just how large the entirety of Kistram was. Uroro was admittedly a small part of the whole map, but the actual side of Uroro matched closely with the size of most of the large cities in Kistram. 

“Then over here… is Euchust. Sort of.” I moved the map and pointed to the edge of a large forest to the northwest of where we were. “I remember it being in the northeast corner of the Circadin forest. We might have to look around for a little while to find the ruins when we get there.”

“That’s so far!” Phern had immediately started to complain about the distance.

“It’s really not, Stump. We made almost the exact same trip before.” 

“We did? AHHH! WE DID!” Phern’s excited screech caused a wave of flinches to wash over everyone in the tent. “It’s near my momma’s hometown! I haven’t been near the Circadin forest for so long I nearly forgot! Can we go? Can we visit? I’ll flip a muffledung until the sun sets if we can make a stop there!” I couldn’t tell if that was supposed to be appealing or a threat. Either way, making a detour when we were so short of time just wasn’t an option. “I don’t know if we can afford to add time to our trip, Phern.” I tried my best to let her down easy. As soon as I had uttered those words, I got a very intense look from Cecelia. It wasn’t subtle in the least, and it made it very clear to me that this meant a lot to Phern.

“...but it’s close enough to Euchust, so we can probably stop there just before.” Cecelia flashed a very warm smile back at me when I caved to Phern’s requests.

“Since we’ve already had some breakfast, we might as well start travelling for the day. It’ll be nice to get back into a rhythm of sorts. Like we had before.” Perhaps not my best choice of words. Sebil had deliberately looked away when I mentioned a return to how things were before. With a nagging weight of guilt on my shoulders, I moved towards the exit of the tent and left to get a breath of fresh air. With enough time in the tent, you stop noticing the intense stench of Phern’s spices. Every time I left the tent, it felt like I was pulling out nose plugs to smell the fresh air. 

I thought I would despise the tent more with time. That my increased sense of smell  would make it miserable to be submerged in so many dense layers of scents. It wasn’t as bad as I feared. The intense medley of olfactory sensations turned into a kind of ‘white noise’ of smells. In effect, my nose almost shuts down to keep me from becoming too overwhelmed. It made the exit from the tent all the more liberating each morning. 

“Liar.”

Cecelia’s words made me freeze. I heard the flap of the tent close shut behind her as she began to walk towards me. How had she known I was lying? None of the Belligerent Bandits could know about my vision with Vyra. There was no reason for them to dispute what I said, was there?

“Liar?” I turned to face her, doing my best to keep my face neutral as I faced her. 

“You said everyone already had breakfast back in the tent. I know you haven’t eaten yet, Bandit.” Cecelia walked up to me and pushed her index finger into my stomach in playful jest. 

“Oh. I mean that’s not really a lie though… I was planning on eating on the way.” I clarified and continued to walk away from the tent. The forest we were in was teeming with life, it wouldn’t be hard to hunt something before Phern was done breaking the tent down. 

“You had better.” Cecelia’s narrowed eyes softened up immediately into a smile. There was such an intense tenderness underneath her hard exterior. I wondered if it was the result of so many restrained emotions finally being allowed to come out after a lifetime of being held back. “Mind if I tag along for your hunt?”

“I don’t mind. I’m aiming for whatever shows up first. I just need something to hold me over for the morning.” 

It was nice to have company. I rarely did on my hunts, with my only real company being the occasional comments from Lilith. 

‘Which I’m sure delight you endlessly.’

It was nice to have Cecelia’s presence while hunting together, much in the same way we had done last night. Though I suppose there were a few differences between that hunt and this one. 

“It was still a lie, though.” Cecelia’s words came seemingly out of nowhere. I had been tracking a hare for a few minutes now, and just as we started to get close to its scent, she had spoken.

“What?”

“You said it wasn’t really a lie earlier. You not eating breakfast. All of that stuff.”

“It’s not really though, is it? I’m hunting right now, the hare is just up ahead, and we’ll be back before the other Bandits are ready to leave anyway.”

“But it’s still a lie. Do you think it doesn’t count as a lie because it’s not affecting anyone?” 

“Uh… yeah? If the lie doesn’t affect anything then what does it matter?”

“Exactly! What does it matter? Why would you lie in the first place?” Cecelia asked, somewhat incredulously. It was a good question, but a difficult one to answer. Why did I lie? Because I do it all the time. Why do I do it all the time? Because it has always given me safety. Cecelia’s questioning threatened to start a very uncomfortable conversation for me.

“I don’t know… I just do it sometimes. Bad habit.” I replied. The scent of the hare was intoxicatingly close at this point. My hunger was singing through my bones at the prospect of an imminent meal. Cecelia’s silence caused me to stop and check on her before I leapt through the nearby bushes to hunt the hare. She was standing at a distance, having stopped following me a few seconds prior. 

“Did I say something?” I asked. 

“A bad habit of lying. I’ve seen that destroy many lives, Ester.” Her eyes flashed with a swirling mixture of emotions. She had a concern so thick it was beginning to become tangible in her scent. Cecelia’s concern was so strong it began to infect me. 

“I think I’m missing something here. You’re acting like I told some grievous lie this morning. I just didn’t want people to be concerned about me! I was going to eat anyway, so it didn’t even matter much.”

“But this isn’t about that! At least… not really. I’ve been burned a few too many times by lies, Ester. I don’t want it to happen again.” Cecelia’s reply was a little too loud, it seemed. The hare’s scent was rapidly growing distant; it must have been spooked by the blossoming argument.

“If this isn’t about breakfast, what is it about?”

“I don’t want to feel like you’re keeping important things from me! I love you, Ester. I think… well I think I made that very clear last night.”

‘I’d say so.’

“But it scares me how easily you can lie! They leave your throat as easily as your own breath! If you’re willing to lie about things that don’t even matter, like if you’ve eaten yet or not, then what else are you willing to lie about?”

“What are you afraid of? Do you think I was lying about loving you or something?”

“No! No, I think you love me. Or- I know you love me. The connection that we shared last night, I don’t think any of that was a lie.” Cecelia paused for a moment. I was wondering if she wanted me to respond before continuing, but I couldn’t think of a response. Eventually, she took my silence as a response and continued anyway. “I know you love me, Ester. That’s why I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me about Vyra. She talked to you at the docks? You think she’s come back to life and you didn’t say anything to me?”

“I did this morning! It just didn’t seem relevant to tell you earlier. Why is that such a big deal?”

“Because I know that you love her! If she’s alive, and we’re headed straight for her, then what the fuck happens to me? I mean- FUCK! Ester, I’ve never felt as close to anyone as I did with you last night. I don’t want to lose that!”

So that was her concern. It had taken a while to get to the real reason that she had been tense. It was the reason she largely distanced herself during the conversation in the tent. The reason that my white lie had become more of a problem than it should have. It made sense. In all honesty I felt deeply foolish for not realizing just how bad it looked to have told Cecelia about Vyra after our night together. 

“I don’t want to lose that either, CiCi. I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier. I wasn’t even sure if I should say anything about it to the group either. I saw her die, Cecelia. I don’t know how she would have survived that night. I need to know if she’s alive, but I promise you that I’ve long since moved on from her.” It was true. Mostly. I had moved on from Vyra, but I had only done so recently. The heartworm that wriggled deep in my chest had been repressed for years, and was only reignited through the past few weeks of life-threatening travel. 

“Okay… I believe you.” The deep breath that followed resulted in a steady release of the tension in Cecelia’s shoulders. “I didn’t mean to blow up on you like that and ruin your breakfast. I think I was just afraid of losing… this, so soon after I got it.” Cecelia pressed a hand against my chest as she said ‘this’. It was heartening to see just how much she valued our relationship. But I knew there was more to this that was left unsaid. Cecelia had mentioned being burned by liars in the past. Clearly there were some underlying problems with lies that were being ignited. It felt like a lit fuse of a problem between the two of us that would eventually blow up if unaddressed. I’d need to find a way to stop it before it got to that point.

“I don’t want to lose this either. I’ve died a few too many times to get to this point, but I would die a hundred more to stay with you.” I tried to pull her into a hug to comfort her, but instead of throwing her arms around me in response, she pulled me forward into a kiss. 

“Just promise me that next time you have a secret that huge, you tell me first?” Cecelia had pulled away to speak, but kept our faces close enough to one another that I could breathe in every detail of her charred scent. 

“I promise.” As soon as I spoke the words, she leaned in once more for another kiss. This one lasted much longer than the first, tempting my mind with thoughts of the previous night. 

‘Quite a bold promise to make, little morsel. What will she think when she’s the third, or even fourth Bandit to know about me!’

eepygirl

Life is chugging along in ways Thomas could only dream of in his inferior tank engine. Which is to say, in much less flavorful language, a lot has happened! Good stuff, I'm happy to report! It just also happens to be a lot of change all at once. It's like everything is happening everywhere all at once! Someone should make a movie about that...

I've got a new job; a big girl job no less! Which is super good for me, but means I'll be adjusting to a very different environment while also moving cities to adjust to an additional different environment! That's all happening over the course of the next two weeks, which is gonna be a hell of a time. To celebrate, and also to compensate for not having any new chapters up for a while, I've decided to do a DOUBLE UPLOAD! Meaning this chapter of Heartworm is going up at the same time as a chapter of Gung Ho Girl! I hope you enjoy, and I thank you for reading this very exhaustive authors note so if you got to this point I love you very much :3