Hana first met Ayaka at a talent search in Nagoya.

She was only 13 back then. That day, she was sitting in the back of the performance hall’s lobby, taking advantage of a seat by the window to be able to see the pages she was reading. Her mom had done her hair for her that day, where it rested in a low, pink ponytail that was folded in on itself. At the moment, she was sitting down and reading a romance novel by herself as she waited for her number to be called. 

Three shadows suddenly blocked out the sunlight and made it harder for her to see the next line on the page.

“What’s going on here?” someone said to her.

Hana looked up. For some reason, a group of three other girls was now standing over her. They all looked two or three years older than her. Like Hana, they all had a sticker with a number on it attached to somewhere on their outfits. 

“Can you move please?” she asked them. “I’m trying to read.”

“Look at her, she’s not even focused on the audition,” the one to the left, a blonde with pigtails said. 

“Do you even care about the competition?” the first girl asked her. She had dark red hair in a braid.

“Not really,” Hana responded. She tried to move and get a better angle to see her book from. 

“She’s not even trying,” the third girl scoffed. She looked like she was related to the blonde, except that her hair was loose and held neatly with a headband.

The redhead grabbed the book out of Hana’s hands. “What are you reading, anyway?” 

“Hey!” Hana yelled.

“Is that a romance book?” the girl with pigtails asked, looking to see what her friend was holding. “It’s called The River of Love.” 

“That’s so lame!”

“Please give it back,” Hana said to them. She stood up to try and take her book back, but she found out that she was a lot shorter than all of them. When she tried to jump to grab it, the redhead would just raise her hands out of reach.

“Look how tiny she is! You guys should feel bad for bullying a kid,” the girl with a headband said. 

“She must be barely old enough to be in this competition,” pigtails said. 

“Go away!” she yelled at them. “Just give me my book back!”

“Are you gonna cry?” the redhead asked. “That’s not very idol-like of you.”

The longer the other girls laughed at her, the more Hana got frustrated about getting in this situation, to begin with. Her parents had sent her to the talent scout with a promise of going to the bookstore after. She would have much rather spent the day at home instead. 

As Hana looked around to find an adult to complain to, she saw something come flying through the air and hit the redhead in her back. 

“Ow!”

“Mind your own business!” another girl yelled from behind them. She walked over to them with uneven steps as she went to retrieve her sneaker from the ground. 

“Did you just throw that at me?” the redhead asked her.

“I’ll throw the other shoe if you don’t stop bothering her,” the stranger said. 

The new girl was probably around the same age as the others. She was dressed in a pair of shorts and an off-shoulder shirt, while her chocolate-brown hair reached the nape of her neck. A sticker with the number 84 was attached to her shirt sleeve. 

The redhead crossed her arms. “Do you know this girl or something?”

“Doesn’t matter. A jerk shouldn’t be qualified to be an idol.”

“And you are?”

The new girl shrugged. “I guess we’ll find out today.”

“This isn’t worth our time,” the girl with a headband said, tugging on the redhead’s shirt sleeve. “This isn’t fun anymore.”

“Let’s go,” the redhead said as she turned around. She tossed Hana’s book at her feet shortly after. “You can see me again when I’m accepting the grand prize.” 

The new girl picked up Hana’s book for her. “Here you go.” 

“Thanks,” Hana responded. She didn’t know how to give her thanks for helping her. “They were being really mean.”

“It looks like I showed up at the right time,” she said. She extended her hand as a greeting. “My name is Ichihara Ayaka. Ichi like the character for city, and hara like the character for original.” 

Hana accepted the handshake, albeit a little hesitantly. “My name is Kanagawa Hana. Kana is like the character for gold, while gawa is the character for river.” 

“Nice to meet you.”

“What are you at the talent scout for?”

“I want to live in Tokyo!” Ayaka said. “I’m from Nagoya, but I’ve always wanted to live there.”

“It’s my first time in Nagoya,” Hana responded. “I’ve never really left Oharu before.”

“You don’t sound very enthusiastic about it.”

“I’m just here to make my mom happy. And she said she’d buy me a new book as long as I stay until the end.”

Ayaka pouted. “Well, that’s not the right attitude for this. Have you ever sung before? Or danced? Or acted in anything?”

“Well, I’m in my choir at school. A few years ago I was a tree in the school play.”

“You should use that to your advantage!” Ayaka argued. “The singing, I mean.”

“There are so many other girls here. And I’m only 13, there’s no way I’m good enough compared to everyone else.” 

“Listen up, Oharu,” Ayaka said. She surprised when she called her by her home town instead of by her actual name. “They never said how many girls would win this in the end, so that means all of us have a chance.”

An event organizer exited the auditorium doors. “Number 84!”

Ayaka took a look at the number on her arm. “That’s me.”

“Good luck, Ichihara-san,” Hana said. 

“You should really think about why your parents sent you here. They wouldn’t have done so if they didn’t believe in you.”

The last thing Hana remembered about the conversation was how Ayaka walked confidently to the auditorium to begin her audition. Hana’s number was 155, which gave her a lot of time to think about the conversation that had just occurred.

In retrospect, had it not been for their chance meeting, Hana would have never found the courage to give her all for her audition.

 

A few months later, she was sitting in her newly-leased apartment as the light from the living room illuminated the balcony for her. Her brand new agency had decided to wait until the school year was over in the winter, and then they transferred her out of her home town and into a nearby school in Tokyo.

After the audition ended, five other girls had been selected along with her to become idols for their talent agency. In a few weeks, they’d even be having their first concert together.

With night having already arrived, she was sitting down in her pajamas with her hair in a ponytail over her shoulder. She was sitting down at her apartment’s balcony and writing in a brand new diary her mother had bought for her. At the moment, she was writing down a list of things she wanted to do while being an idol. 

 

• I want to have a CD release!

• I want to have a song written for me

• I want to see flower stands with my name on it! 

• I want to perform on TV!

• I want to be on a radio show

• I want to be in a drama

• I want to be a top idol!!!

• I want to stand confidently on stage

 

“What’s going on here?” Ayaka’s chin suddenly rested on Hana’s shoulder.

“I didn’t hear you open the door,” Hana responded. “Welcome home.”

“I didn’t know you were a diary person.”

“I’m not,” Hana admitted. “But my parents want me to keep a journal so that when I come home, they can share some of the memories I make.” 

Ayaka stood back up, and Hana turned her head to look at her new housemate. She was dressed in her uniform at the local grocery store, which included a red hat and apron over her casual clothing.

“That’s really thoughtful of them,” Ayaka said, sitting down in the chair next to her. She slumped back in her seat as she looked up at the stars. “I wish my parents were as considerate. I haven’t even gotten a call yet.”

“Maybe they’re just busy. Or they want to give you some time to adjust to Tokyo before calling again.” 

“That’s really optimistic of you, Oharu.” 

“Have you considered a nickname that isn’t just my home town?” Hana asked.

Ayaka turned to look at her. “Like what?”

“How about just Hana-chan?”

“Okay, I’ll do my best to remember that,” her housemate responded. “So, Hana-chan, are you excited about the concert coming up?”

Hana sighed. “I’m really anxious.”

“Really? You never seem that way when we’re practicing.”

“All of the nerves go away when I’m actually doing something,” Hana said. “Now that we’re not in the training room, it just gives me time to think to myself.”

“What are you thinking?”

Now it was Hana’s turn to look away and stare at the night sky. 

“It still feels like I’m in a dream. I never thought I’d be an idol,” she said. “But I feel like I’m not ready for this concert. Even after all the training, it just feels like I haven’t improved. I’m not jealous, but sometimes it just makes me feel sad that everyone else is so much better than me, including you.”

It was more than what Hana had ever admitted to the other girls in the company, but none of them were as close to her as Ayaka was. She knew the older girl would be a lot more understanding of her situation. 

The brunette girl reacted to her confession by hitting her in the arm. 

“Ow,” Hana said, rubbing the spot Ayaka hit. “What was that for?”

“Well, at least you know you’re not dreaming,” her housemate responded. “I think you should stop comparing yourself to other people.”

“Really? But shouldn’t we be good at everything to be good idols?”

“I think all of us have different strengths,” Ayaka shrugged. “If mine is dancing, then yours is singing. And that’s why the two of us are partners! Whatever you don’t have, I can pick up the slack for you.” 

“And vice versa?”

“Exactly.”

“I never thought about it like that,” Hana admitted. “ I just thought we had to be the best at everything.”

“No one is perfect, Oha... Hana-chan. But still, you can always count on me!” the brunette responded. She took off her hat as she stood up, stretching her arms wide and yawning. “I must be more tired than I thought.”

“Are you sleeping properly?” Hana asked. “Isn’t working part-time along with being an idol difficult?”

“We aren’t getting a lot of jobs yet, but I still have to pay for my half of the rent,” Ayaka gave her a weak smile. “It’s okay though, today I’m just going to bed earlier than normal.”

“We have practice in the morning tomorrow,” Hana reminded her.

“Which means you should probably go to sleep soon, too.”

“I will when I’m done writing.”

“Just try not to write a novel while you’re at it,” Ayaka said. She waved goodnight as she left the balcony. “We need all the rest that we can for tomorrow.”

Ayaka was right. All of the girls would actually get to practice on the concert’s stage the next day, and being closer to the actual performance date meant that they were running out of time to get everything together and polish their acts.

Before Hana went to bed, she took one last look at her growing list of things that she wanted to do as an idol. She made one small adjustment to her last wish.

• • I want to stand confidently on stage, with my best friend!

 

For the next year, everything had turned out perfectly for the pair. Their first concert turned out to be a success after Hana started to rely on Ayaka to help cover for some of the things she was weak in. The other girls performed spectacularly, too, which only made the entire group grow in popularity after.

The success meant they all were hired to do more jobs over the year, which led to more popularity and the company giving them more performances. This led to the group’s biggest concert yet. For the first time ever, the entire idol group would be performing in a concert hall instead of an underground live house. From what management had told the girls, attendance was expected to be in the thousands rather than in the hundreds. 

Even more impressive to Hana was that it would be in the same location they had all auditioned in over a year ago. 

She was a few months shy of turning 15 years old when disaster struck and both her and Ayaka’s careers were put to a premature end.

All six idols in the group were having their dress rehearsal on the day of the concert. Hana brushed some strands of pink hair out of her eyes as they finished practicing the dance for their final song. She’d recently gotten it cut in anticipation for the performance, and now it was tied up in a high ponytail that barely reached down to her shoulders. 

“Good work everyone,” her producer at the time said to them. He was sitting down in the first row of the concert hall as their final practice session started to wrap up. “I’m proud to see how far you’ve all come in these past few months.”

Hana tried to steady her breathing once the lights in the theater turned on and the spotlights dimmed. Looking around to see the other girls’ reactions, she wasn’t the only one who was putting in a lot of effort into making sure this concert would be a success. Even their group leader, a dark-haired girl named Sakamoto Satsuki, was looking tired. 

For the sake of the company, for each other, and for their future careers, it seemed like everyone was trying even harder in preparation for that night. 

“I’m looking forward to the concert tonight,” their producer told them. “You have a few hours before the concert actually begins, so try not to overexert yourselves before then. The final practice is officially over.”

Hana headed back to the dressing room to check her phone and get a bottle of water. She waved to Ayaka as she sat down in the space next to hers. Like Hana, she was also dressed in her last outfit for the show.

“Good work today,” Hana said. Her partner didn’t respond immediately. “Ayaka, are you there?”

“Huh?” the brunette girl looked around the room before finally looking back at Hana. “How long have you been there?”

“Since before you entered.” 

“Huh, I guess I wasn’t paying attention.” 

“Are you okay?” Hana asked her. She knew everyone was looking tired today, but Ayaka seemed even more tired than usual. 

The pink-haired girl tried to look at how dark the circles around Ayaka’s eyes were, but the older girl put up a hand in front of her face. “I’m fine, this last practice just took a lot out of me.”

“Are you sure? You still worked last night after going to yesterday’s rehearsal.”

“I’ll be fine,” Ayaka smiled. She took a deep breath as she stood up to leave. “I’m just going to take a nap before the show starts.”

Less than an hour after Ayaka left the dressing room, Satsuki came running in. She didn’t look very happy. 

“I need you to come with me, now,” her group leader said.

Hana immediately stood up out of her seat. “What’s happening?” 

“Ayaka fainted,” Satsuki said. “I don’t know how long ago this was, but you’re her partner, so we need to talk about what to do about this situation.” 

Hana followed the dark-haired girl through the backstage of the concert hall as she tried to think about what was happening. Satsuki wasn’t saying a word, which made her even more concerned. 

She was led into a lounge room where her producer was sitting next to a sleeping Ayaka. 

“What’s happening?” Hana asked.

“A staff member found her out cold in the hallway,” their producer responded. 

“Is she okay?” 

Their producer nodded. “She’s just sleeping for now, but it looks like she didn’t hit her head or anything.”

Hana sighed. “Thank goodness.”

“However, we do need to talk about what to do in the next few hours.”

“What do you mean?”

“Even if she wakes up in time, I’m not going to let her perform tonight.”

Hana felt her own mood worsen as she thought about how after months of hard work, Ayaka wouldn’t even be able to see all of their practice come to fruition. 

“What are we going to do about the show?” Satsuki asked. “It’s not going to be canceled, is it? The show has to go on.”

We’re going to have to change the setlist. A lot,” their producer responded. “Her solo songs are going to need to be cut, but as for her duo songs with Kanagawa-san and all of her other group songs-”

“I can cover for her,” Hana interrupted him. “I live with Ayaka, we practice together nearly every day. If there’s anyone who knows her dance moves, it’s me.”

“Are you sure you can do this?” Satsuki asked. “I believe in you, but do you believe that you can handle it all?”

“I have to believe in myself,” Hana responded. She looked over at Ayaka, and then to the producer, and then back to the leader of their group. “I don’t want our biggest concert yet to be a failure.”

“Producer, what do you think about this?”

There were a few seconds of pause in the conversation as their producer thought of how to respond. Finally, he took a deep breath and nodded. “Kanagawa-san, it looks like you’ll be doing twice as many songs tonight.”

“I’ll do my best,” Hana responded. 

In the hours leading up to the concert, she did her best to practice all of her new songs without wearing herself out too much. She wasn’t exactly comfortable with filling in her partner’s shoes, but she had to go on. It was what Ayaka would have wanted her to do. 

Before the concert started, Satsuki made an announcement to the audience about Ayaka’s absence. The crowd sounded disappointed, but it was hard to predict an accident like this. 

 The performance itself started off with a group song, and then Hana filled in for two of her partner’s songs after. The setlist was rearranged beforehand to give her a break in between songs since she was now doing double the amount. She felt that while her dance moves weren’t perfect, she was practicing adequately as a stand-in considering the small amount of time she had to prepare. 

Towards the middle of the concert would be when the first duo song between her and Ayaka would have been. With the latter being out of commission, Hana had to do this performance alone. 

She took a deep breath from her position behind the stage curtains as two of the other idols performed. Her right hand clutched her microphone tightly as she readied herself for this next performance. In the last five minutes, she had already checked her outfit, adjusted her in-ear monitors, and made sure her microphone was turned on at least three times.

A staff member gave her a tap on the back as the audience cheered for the two girls on stage. 

Hana stopped fussing with her outfit as she took another deep breath. “Here I go.” 

She tried her best to confidently walk onto center stage as an energetic guitar melody started the song. Without Ayaka, the stage felt a lot larger than usual. She was so used to performing with her partner and being fueled by the older girl’s energy on stage she now felt lost. She volunteered to do more work out of impulse, but now she was having second thoughts. 

Would she be alright? 

As she raised her microphone to start singing, she heard Ayaka’s voice coming into her ear. 

“I want to sing until I can’t anymore!”

Except that the voice wasn’t live. Ayaka was still sleeping behind the stage. She was hearing the mark to start singing. 

She heard her own voice singing next, and as she looked at the sea of pink penlights in the audience, she realized she completely missed her cue to start. 

“I…” she tried to start her next line, but the audio coming through her ears and she thought she was supposed to sing didn’t align with each other.

During practice, she was able to restart the song if she messed up. During this performance, it was just her to figure out how to recover.

Without Ayaka, she had no idea about where to begin. Tears started welling up in her eyes as she suddenly felt overwhelmed by the gravity of her situation.

“I’m sorry,” she said into her microphone. She gave an apologetic bow to the audience, before running back offstage with the instrumental kept playing without a singer.

The rest of the concert continued on without her. Ayaka didn’t wake up from her exhaustion-induced slumber until the next day.

 

The two of them eventually found themselves in the main office of their agency days later. Hana had a sinking feeling that she knew why they were both there. Since both her producer and the company’s president were sitting across from them, it had to have been a serious matter.

“What happened last Saturday?” the president asked.

“Ayaka passed out, so I volunteered to cover for her,” Hana said. Her speaking was barely louder than a mumble, and she looked at her feet while she talked.

“What about when it was your turn to perform alone?”

“I don’t know,” Hana responded. “I was ready to sing the song for the both of us, and suddenly I couldn’t.”

“Unbelievable,” the president said. “You realize that being an idol involves being able to sing in front of a crowd, don’t you?”

“Yes.” 

Hana’s hands tightly clutched the edge of her skirt as she prepared to hear everything her employer had to say. 

“This concert performance was unacceptable,” the president said. He looked at Ayaka. “It appears that without you, Kanagawa-san is a subpar performer. An entire year’s worth of progress suddenly disappeared in one night, and on the biggest stage you’ve had to perform on yet. In the group’s home prefecture, to add onto it”

Hana’s heart sank. It was only one performance out of several that she had messed up. The president’s words only made her guilt in performing badly feel even worse. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped her skirt even tighter. 

“Did you think about how important this performance was? This company needs success now in order to stay alive. Perhaps you’re not fit to be an idol, after all,” the president said. Hana looked up to see the man’s disappointed face. He sighed once they made eye contact. “We will be auditioning to find a replacement for you within the next week.”

“What?” Ayaka stood up. “You can’t do this.”

“My decisions are final.”

“I refuse,” Ayaka responded. “If you fire her, then you’ll have to fire me, too.”

“Ichihara-san, think about what you’re saying here,” their producer said. 

“I am thinking. I’m a good dancer, probably one of the best in the group. I don’t want to perform with anyone else other than Hana-chan.”

“Very well then,” the president responded. He looked at the producer across from him. “Change the announcement to make it so that we’re looking for two new idols, instead.”

“What?”

“Do you really think a 14 and a 16-year-old idol are irreplaceable? There were hundreds of girls who all auditioned for the same role you had until today. Perhaps they wouldn’t have caused us as much trouble.”

“I think that’s a little harsh,” their producer tried to say.

“It doesn’t matter. My decision is final.”

Their producer sighed. “Understood.”

Ayaka sat back down in her seat. Out of the corner of her eye, Hana saw her partner hunched forward with her hands covering her face. Her breathing quickly turned from a sniffle into a full-on sob. 

“You can’t do this,” she said between breaths. “Please, I can’t go back to Nagoya.”

“Take them home,” the president said to their producer. “Thank you for your short time at this company.” 

 

It was a long car ride back to their apartment. Neither of them had said anything to each other, or to their producer until they were both back inside. For the most part, Ayaka had calmed down during the car ride, but Hana only assumed this because she stopped audibly crying. She couldn’t work up the courage to look at her partner- now former partner- after she had caused all of this. 

She didn’t expect both of them to get fired. Ayaka always talked about how much she liked being an idol, and Hana didn’t think she’d risk it to save her career, too. 

The two of them silently entered the apartment, with Hana closing the door behind them. 

“I’m really sorry,” Hana said to her. When she looked at Ayaka, she saw that her eyes were red and puffy. “I don’t know what to say, except that I feel really bad for causing this.” 

“That should have been the performance to make my parents finally believe that I could be an idol,” Ayaka said. “I told them for days about how we both were going to blow the crowd away. I thought maybe if we were good enough, they finally would support me in the end.” 

“I’m sorry...”

Her housemate didn’t say anything for a few seconds as she took a deep breath that ended up getting stifled halfway-through. Ayaka looked back at Hana with a pained expression as more tears welled up in her eyes. “Maybe I shouldn’t have stood up for you.”

“You should have just kept your job,” Hana agreed. “You didn't have to go down with me.”

“No, not that,” Ayaka responded. “All the way back at the performance hall in Nagoya, stepping in to help you just seemed like the right thing to do. Now I see I shouldn’t have bothered to begin with. You even didn’t want to be an idol anyway. I’m sorry I made you do this.”

“Maybe we can fix this. We can find a new agency, and we can show the old one that they made a mistake!”

Ayaka shook her head. “I’m going to my room now. Just give me some time to myself, please.”

Hana had nothing else left to say as the brunette left and walked to her bedroom. She simply fell back onto their couch as she started processing everything that had happened in the past hour. Her entire body felt numb as she stared at the ceiling like it had an answer to everything that had just gone wrong.

Their short conversation was the last time they talked to each other before Ayaka moved out of their apartment a few days later.