[Claire PoV]
Blood flowed under the debris where Ceasar got buried. Everyone stopped in their tracks, nobody moved. Though it was a pity we lost a talented Thief but he got it coming.
"Ceasar! Ceasar! Are you alive? Please say something?" Ceasar's bitch in tears was smacking her arms up and down on top of the big rock beneath which Ceasar was. With this, the 0.01% possibility of him being alive was gone too.
"Please help me get him out" Ceasar's bitch pleaded.
"Dig him out" I ordered. Sure, he was a bit of asshole, nonetheless, he was our companion.
Adventurers moved that big cross shaped rock and what was revealed was a badly squashed mutilated corpse of Ceasar.
"Noooo!!! Ceasar... please don't leave me. You promised to protect me, brother, after mom and dad passed away," she cried loudly and helplessly for a long time. (AN: Before you complain, I want to say that I never clearly stated that Ceasar was her boyfriend)
Seeing her in such grief even I felt very bad for her. I didn't really expect them to be siblings. And looked like they two went through many hardships together.
I asked one of the adventurers and learned that Ceasar's bitch name was Julia.
"W-Will you help me collect his body please," Julia said with tears running down her cheeks.
"I really am sorry but it's not possible. There's not a single Seneschal who decided to continue to this floor. So, nobody here can use storage magic. And stairway to the previous floor will remain block till we defeat Floor Boss" I said in a sympathetic tone.
People with Seneschal Job manage all the logistics required for a party function properly. They collect and handle all the supplies, loot, set up the camp, and so on. They are an official part of the guild but never participate in the battle and always stick back. Now, without them, I had to assign three adventurers to carry a large backpack that contains only food supplies. We even had to leave behind our camp and extra equipment. (AN: Couldn't come up with a good name for this job. Suggest me something better, I'll change it.)
"No way, he'll turn into undead if I leave him here" she sobbed.
'Now, come to think of it, Max's party didn't hire Seneschal and they don't carry anything, probably Max or other two may know storage spell.'
He was standing beside me. I signaled with my eyes towards her to make him move.
Moving towards the kneeling Julia Max spoke in a tone which was hard to distinguish whether he was serious or it was a sarcasm "I am sorry for your loss, he was not only your brother but most talented Theif of the party, without him it'll be difficult to continue"
"Pl-lease can you store his body, I'll do any-anything."
"Don't worry about it. I don't help someone with the expectation of getting favor returned"
Saying this he stood in front of the dead body and in a moment the body disappeared into thin air.
"Hey, what did you do? That's not how storage spell work" I asked with a flustered face and Julia was looking at him with paled face and blank stare.
Sure both brother and sister annoyed him too much, now he didn't take some kind of petty revenge, did he? I mean there was no blue mana that enveloped the body then stored it in magic space.
"Don't worry I stored it in my inventory"
"The what?"
"Think of it as one of Master's skills, it's better than storage spells cast by the likes of you" Amelia bitch again butted in.
"I didn't know about this skill at first or else I would have brought so many things from the village" Myra sighed.
"Th-Thankew" Julia moved on her knees and wrapped her arms around Max's legs and start rubbing her tears and snot filled face on his robes.
His face twitched but he didn't say anything and only patted her head. Julia was wearing a mini skirt that barely covered her ass and crotch, revealing panties whenever she moved and a bra that only covered half of the boobs including nipples. That explained why this pervert was comforting her.
After two minutes, Julia wiped her tears and composed herself.
"Sorry for the delay, let's move. Brother Ceasar was determined to defeat this dungeon, he would've wanted me to continue even after him" she stood up and readied her bow.
'Sure your brother was brave but he was a big idiot'
"Follow my footsteps exactly, don't hold me responsible if something happens later because of your negligence" Amelia bitch said.
This time there was no complain from anyone as if they had complete faith in her. Now, with Amelia bitch in lead we soon arrived at the end of this narrow hallway. There were three doors in front of us.
"This looks like a situation where one door is correct and the other two lead to death" Max joked.
"This is nothing like that, you have read too many storybooks as a child" I replied with pursed lips.
"What to do Mam?" one of the adventurers asked.
"Phew! Okay then, there are three doors. We don't know where they lead. If we all take one door and it ends up being a trap or a wrong door that leads to nothing then we might not able to retreat and even if we manage to do it then so many days will be wasted by then. That's why our best solution is to split up into three teams. So, does anyone oppose it?"
"No mam, but how do we split?"
So I split everyone into three teams. In Team 1 there were seven people including me, Max and Julia. In Team 2 there were eight people being led by Warrior Thorben and the last team had Bitch Amelia, Myra, and six others. Although it would have been best to have Max in the second team but I probably won't get the opportunity again to have Max with me alone without bitch Amelia sticking around like a fly. She proved out to be stronger than I expected and I can't put my plan into action if both of them are together.
And about the second team, they were without the protection of the strongest three people in the party but their pride and fear of going against my decision held them back to do any complaint. I had confidence in Warrior Thorben that he could push through any difficulty, he never disappointed me before.
"Master..." Amelia looked at Max with a teary eye like a bitch who's going to get separated from her owner for the first time.
"Don't worry, we will meet again in a few days" Max hugged her and rubbed her back.
"Oi Oi don't forget about me," Myra said with a sharp tone.
Max released Amelia then flicked Myra's forehead before pulling her into embrace then whispered something in her ear that made her bury her face into his chest with a red face.
After their drama was over, we took the leftmost door. Just before entering I glared at Amelia and mouthed word 'Bitch' which made her grit teeth in anger. Annoying her is always fun.
As we all entered the door behind us vanished, leaving only a stone wall behind us. The ground slid open revealing stairway to Floor 22.
"So, others took the wrong path?" Max asked.
"Not necessarily, there may be more than way stairway leading to next floor" I replied.
Taking stairway we arrived at another hallway extending a thousand meters. Unlike before, it had spikes on its walls. As soon as we entered, the walls started closing on us at a speed and to make matter worse the whole hallway was filled with a lot of ghouls with no end to them.
Ghouls are undead that are created when a vampire suck out all of the blood from a person, completely draining blood without the intention of turning them. They have little to no intelligence and feed on human flesh. Here, probably there was no vampire, these monsters were created by dungeon itself.
"W-What do we do now Mam?" an adventurer asked in a panic.
"We run and fight, what else"
As I said this, Julia took action, with bow and arrow nocked. Fearlessly with cold eyes, she starts moving and shooting with every arrow hit on ghouls heads with precision.
Author's Note: It's one month since I started writing this novel. So, did my writing improved or it is the same as in early chapters? Especially those who have binged read till here can tell, please do comment :D And the second thing, should I end this arc with this Floor Boss (at floor 30) being last or continue for one or two Floor bosses more. My updates are already not too fast, I don't want you to get bored reading only this arc :D
P.S Shoutout to @Thiccgod and @Rexsaur for finding out the JoJo reference in the previous chapter.
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WE WANT MORE. Votes: 51 58.0%
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PLEASE END THIS SHIT. Votes: 37 42.0%
FOCK! Author you totally got us about Julia being his sister did not see that coming...LMAO. Almost made you feel bad for the guy...nah he had it coming.
As for the luggage job it is called a [Porter]
Your writing style is doing very well, as for length of the dungeon it depends on if you need side character growth with the MC like Julia for instance.
Yeah, exactly [Porter], I've read about this job in another novel. I tried so hard to recall the name but couldn't. Thanks, I'll edit it later :D
@Bone_Crusher
Yup and if it is a beast-kin doing the job he would then be called "Hairy Porter"! lol
[cricket sound FX]
@Bone_Crusher in Like Julia over the party leader loli
Thanks for the chapter.
I think there had been an improvement. Like you said it will be noticeable to those that binged this. I suggest using software like grammarly (try to use the free versions and see the tutorials first, to pick a match for you), mostly set yourself some pace you feel comfortable. Check also the forums for some tips.
As for concrete criticism, mmm I think it's been plenty of chapters with our protag being passive, whatever plot you plan to spring will be good now that his companions aren't there with him. Remember that we(your readers) mostly follow the steps of your MCs and when there are too many chaps in a row without his active participation there will be a disconnect with your audience, to some this dungeon part would be interesting for more if the stakes where higher for the team. Would have recommended a Myra POV, as she as a newbie, would allow you to describe the wonder of the dive in this unforgiving new reality, giving you a tool to describe plenty of lore through her interactions. Whatever you plan would be hinted and in the background, something that a character like Myra might skip. After you could return to MC during the reveal.
Anyway, is being good so far thank you for the story.
I'm already using grammarly, that's why there's not much mess. And I should switch back to Max PoV, with others PoV MC looks a bit cringy and out of character lol xD
Stop giving a fvck about those who voted "please end this shit". Cuz it just means that this novel doesnt fit their tastes. No one knows how this novel would turn out in the future. Who knows, maybe this novel would be famous in the future and you'll never know if you quit.
Even if the outcome is not good, just use this novel to gain more experience and focus on being a better writer. Either way, you never really lose out on anything.
Thanks for the support!
The writing style is improving overall.
Well, it's your story, therefore your decisions are paramount, but you could always just put several bosses into one place just for the hell of it.
You could also focus more on the open world and put random events in there. I'll use the MMO Guild Wars 2 as an example. Basically, Guild Wars 2's open world has randomly occuring events that happen. They range from protecting a convoy from cutthroats and scoundrels, to defending an outpost or a town from monsters or even randomly generated or spawned bosses in the fields. The bosses that randomly spawn can range from beatable by one person to beatable only by a group. I remember seeing a boss in one of the lower level areas basically destroying entire groups of players lol.
There are dungeons, but GW2 is more well-known for its open world happenings.
Your writing has improved. For non-important details, you could just "tell" the details, but for the more important or exciting details, you might want to start using "show, don't tell" style of narrative, which helps draw in the reader to the story, to help make the reader feel like he's actually there.
I'll try my best to give you some examples:
Tell: He saw the moon shining on the waves which highlighted his hopelessness and loneliness.
Show, don't tell: The glint of the solemn moon reflected upon the waves, accentuating the sparkling desolation of his soul.
Tell: He smelled a terrible smell.
Show, don't tell: A pungent and acrid odor met his nose.
Tell: He was frightened as he thought he saw a monster.
Show, don't tell: Shivers ran down his spine and goosebumps covered his skin as his imagination deceived him into envisioning a monstrosity.
Tell: He was lying on the divan languidly while he smoked a cigarette.
Show, don't tell: (this one is kind of tough since either one is decent lol): The divan supported his back as he smoked his cigarettes in languor.
(I think lassitude, indolence or lethargy might be better nouns for this, if you want to be a bit more lyrical, but all three have slightly different meanings from languor, but sometimes, writers such as Edgar Allan Poe occasionally used words for their sounds rather than for their 100% exact meanings lol). A divan is a type of couch that has either a small or no backrest and lacks arms by the way (thanks Oscar Wilde for teaching me this word lol.)
Anyways, to do "show, don't tell", you generally cut down the use of sensory words (see, feel, smell, taste) and do not use the forms of the verb "to be" (I am, he is, he was, etc.) as much. This is a simplification by the way, but it's the best explanation that I have at the moment.
As for the writing:
I tend to be lenient when it comes to grammar since English has some grammar problems such as defective tenses (look up the past tense of the modal verb "must" for an example lol) and is non-phonetic (you can thank the French for that when they conquered the British in 1066). I'll use German as an example. The German word for must is müssen and the preterite past tense is musste, the perfect past is hat gemusst and the plusquamperfect is hatte gemusst respectively. The past tense for the English modal verb must doesn't exist and is defective. Since it's defective in English, one must use "had to" or "have had to" as substitutes. This tends to be confusing, sometimes even to native speakers of English.
Also, pronounce the words rough, sought, dough, bough (a bough is a branch) and slough (this word has like 3 different pronunciations lol, it means a swamp or marshland, and can be used metaphorically to mean a depressing situation, a predicament / dilemma or something like that), the diphthong is -ou and yet they're inconsistently pronounced lol (thank the French for that).
Diphthongs in other languages tend to be more consistent. In German for example, -eu are all pronounced "oy" (examples: Teufel (Devil), Neuling (newcomer), Europäer (European) and -au are all pronounced like "ow" (examples: Bauer (farmer), Zauber (sorcery / magic), Zauberer (sorcerer), sauber (clean), sauer (sour), Mauer (a wall, specifically a wall that's outdoors), Dauer (duration), Daumen (thumb), Saum (seam like the seams of clothing), Traum (dream), etc.
Thanks for the suggestions! And yes I'll add some random and interesting open world events in the future. For now, this arc is in the dungeon, so I can't do it. And I'll work on details and try to improve my writing.
Oh yeah, before I forget. I forgot to mention that "Show, don't tell" narrative additionally generally also describes the things that the characters are experiencing (events, happenings, actions, smells, etc.) without using the sensory words (I see, he feels, they smelled the flower, etc.) as much. This is a huge simplification by the way, but it'll do for now. For example:
The landscape was riddled with craters and from them rose pillars of mephitic gas and malodorous odors that entered my nose and unsettled me.
The flower gave off an ambrosial smell that entered my nose and drove me to bliss and languor.
Fervid flames and noisome fumes billowed throughout as fervent anger and rage grasped the heart and soul of the sorcerer.
The steel of the blade drove into the flesh of his enemy as roars of pain escaped his mouth.
The blade of the guillotine fell upon the neck of the accused as his head tumbled and rolled upon the pavement.
Vestiges of an ancient civilization lingered here. My discovery of them drove me to surmise and conjecture about their disappearance and downfall.
The golden and sumptuous robe of the elven sorceress cascaded down her voluptuous figure with golden and silver seams of pure opulence. Her luxurious radiance overwhelmed the environs as if she was the sole being in her immediate surroundings.
The troll stood tall (or towered) in front of me, his shadow covered the ground, blanketing my figure. His club fell upon my presence, but narrowly missed me by a hair's width as I dodged.
A hand grasped my leg as I struggled in consternation and fear. Its cold and dead sensation drove me to dread.
If you use sensory words like "I saw" or "I smelled" in the above sentences, it starts feeling more like a textbook or something and it kind of makes the reader experience the story from the outside, looking in. "Show, don't tell" generally helps the reader feel like he's part of the story, like he's experiencing the events with the characters. But like I said, for the important details, it might be better to use "show, don't tell", whereas you could simply tell the unimportant details if you wish (For example: I saw the opulent garbs of the elven sorceress cascading down her voluptuous figure / The elven sorceress wore opulent garbs that cascaded down her voluptuous figure). For the dialogue, you could use whichever way that you wish by the way. Also, generally, do not use like three adjectives before a noun, it slows down the story. For example:
The violescent, supernatural, fervid flames spread throughout in its glory.
You could rewrite the above sentence as one of the following:
The fervid flames spread throughout in its violescent and supernatural glory.
The violescent flames spread throughout in its fervid and supernatural glory.
It helps speed up the reading. Plus, it sounds more lyrical lol.
Support class or porters is what they should be called
I'll change it into Porter.
Thanks for the chappy
Thanks for the chapter ?
Your writing has improved!
Thanks for the chapter!
thanks for the chapter