"It's time to get up," someone nudged my arm. 

"Five more minutes…" I mumbled as a sense of drowsiness overtook me. Subconsciously, I knew that I had something important to get to, but I simply couldn't muster the energy to lift my body. 

Grabbing at the nearest thing I could find, I buried my face into a pillow. The coolness of the pillow's jade beads made for a… With the thought of jade, I jumped awake. Instead of the peeling paint I was used to seeing, above me was an intricately-carved wooden ceiling. 

Pinching myself, only then did I realize that the blur of scenes that flashed before my eyes were not all a dream. My identity. My marriage. My mission—

"Fourth princess, hurry now! All of the officials are assembling by the palace door! You must be ready to head off!"

My head still throbbing, I heard only half of what the maid was saying. Alcohol was indeed the elixir of temporary forgetfulness followed with doubled pain. If only I could escape reality forever.

I propped myself up straight and reached for the warm towel set on the golden tray before me. But I soon stopped myself, remembering Princess Mingzhu's "kind" advice on how not to lose face as a princess. "Help me prepare." Hearing the coldness of the command, I paused before adding, "Please." 

I couldn't let the last bit of Youshi die. 

The empress stood by the door, her face ghost white from the excess use of makeup. From behind the layers of powder, I couldn't even make out the outline of her face. But even so, from her bloodshot eyes, I could tell that she was so terribly frail. 

She pulled out a small wooden box and handed it to me with shaking hands. When her hand touched mine, her fingers lingered for just a split second longer. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but second-doubting herself, she pursed her lips together once more.

"Empress, the Sui officials are waiting," a court servant reminded. 

She motioned for them to wait. 

Taking a deep breath, she began, "Would it be…" Her words faltered again, and she smiled as if she had changed her mind. 

"Let's go." She gestured with a flick of her sleeve.

"Empress, Youshi knows that this isn't within her position, but powdered dang gui could help alleviate your symptoms from stress." 

I smiled, not knowing what else to say to the woman who had birthed me. From just a few days of interaction, though I couldn't call her mother, I wished her well. 

My uncle, aunt, and A'Yu all joined us for the walk to the palace gates. Most noticeably, my aunt's eyes were swollen shut, being both red and puffy. I tried telling her what remedy to implement, but she would have none of it and instead talked over me, not caring at all that I was no longer her Youshi.

"Remember to wear warm clothes. If the Sui prince dares to offend you, I'll personally travel over and hit him with a stick."

"We're always here for you," my uncle set his hand over my shoulder, just as he had done when I was a mere child.

"Yeah!" A'Yu chimed in. "When I'm older and strong, I'll come to find you in Sui and defend you." 

I couldn't help but let out a laugh. 

I knew that their words were all for my good, but I instead spent our last moments together committing each of their faces to memory. But as tears fogged my vision, I struggled to see the exact outline of their features. I knew I couldn't cry. Not here. Not now. If I let myself fall weak, then they would be sure to worry even more.

I couldn't tell them this, but my marriage would be one to please. My sole existence would be to fit myself to the liking of the Sui prince. Whatever he wanted in a woman, I would mold myself to his expectations. The lingering words of the emperor echoed in my mind, "Remember, if he trusts you enough, when he gains power and influence, as will Jiangling." 

The palace seemed to continue indefinitely, but once the gate loomed into view, I wished that we could retrace our path. There were so many unspoken words between us, but the officials wouldn't wait, and I couldn't jeopardize the fate of all of Liang for my mere feelings.  

More than anything, I wanted to drag out my steps and make this final moment last. Yet involuntarily, my feet moved on their own, knowing that if I stayed any longer, the mask I had crafted would shatter once more.

The emperor stood at the top of the wall, gazing emotionlessly as we approached. Seeing me, he nodded to acknowledge my presence. With the sunlight illuminating the golden dragon on his robe, a wave of gratitude overtook me. 

From an emperor, the gesture was enough.

Though I never was able to call him father, in a way, I was proud to have him for an emperor. If he were born as a ruler of a different time and a different land, I would gladly become his citizen once more. 

 Not daring to look anymore, I sped up my pace. The brimming tears were pushing against my farthest limits.

"Aiya, don't forget about us!" My aunt hollered from behind me, casting whatever imperial traditions out the door. Her voice was so familiar, and just a few days ago, all she shouted was for me to help her prepare supper. 

My face was already on the verge of contorting and giving in. Once I stepped out of the palace, I would probably never see them again. More than anything, I wanted to spin around and look at them one last time, but how could I let their last impression of me to be this one?

Breathe, I told myself. Breathe.

Turning around, I solemnly bowed in the direction of the palace three times. The first was for the throne and the necessary sacrifices made. The second was for my family and the goodbyes they bade. The last was for my past and the price I paid.

Without ever looking up, I was helped onto the waiting carriage. They could no longer see me. Like water bursting from a dam, the tears spilled out. Gasping for breath, I could taste the salt as some of it trickled into my mouth. I tried stifling my loud sobs with a pillow, but my body still shook as I choked for air. The inside of my mouth became raw as I bit on the sides.

"Lift the carriage!" A trumpet blasted a sharp tune, and it was a convenient cover for my whimpers. Scrambling to lift the window curtains, I inched it up just a sliver so I could see them. Just one last glance, I convinced myself. Only when I did, I wished to have never looked in the first place. My heart hurt too much, twisting on itself as I saw my loved ones crying. One day was enough. 

Goodbye. Farewell. My fingers mechanically let the curtain fall back down.

Even if I didn't live, I would make sure the spirit of Liang survived.