“I-I’ll just get some cloth and water.” Hilda turned away from Kasta and left through the wooden door latched on a cemented gray wall.
After Kasta was brought to Hilda’s chamber on the second floor of the church, he was laid on the bed with the help of the paladins. After the paladins completed their task, they went back to meet the Maiden. Kasta, now left alone in the chamber, moved his sight to the small arched window about two meters away.
It’s still early. His eyelids fell as he confirmed the setting sun’s light.
Although Kasta was acting, genuine cuts and bruises covered his body. Painful it was, he needed to be convincing. After all, him being suspected was a case he needed to avoid.
In addition, he expected his wounds—at the very least—would be treated once he delivered the information about the priest and the ambush. But little did he expect that he would be given a reward of marriage. Especially to a priestess in training.
An offering huh.
Soon, his breathing calmed.
Hilda returned with her hands latched on a tin pail’s handle. In small hurried paces, her back reared due to the weight, she walked towards the bedside. Then careful not to spill the water, she placed the pail on the wooden floor.
Hilda sighed in relief. “Mister, um… Troy? Ah, the door!”
She raced to the door and closed it. Then after she returned to Kasta’s side, she said, “Are you awake?”
“Yes.” Kasta lifted his eyelids and turned his head to Hilda. “My clothes, right?”
“Y-yes.” Then she neared Kasta and reached her hand towards his waist. However, Kasta lifted his hand and waved it.
“It’s fine.” As Hilda backed a step away, he sat up and started removing his clothes. Afterward, he was left with only his underwear while laid down on the bed. “You can start.”
After a nod, Hilda pulled the cloth hanging on her shoulder and dipped it in the pail. After wringing the cloth, she started cleaning Kasta’s body.
“From which village did you came from?” Kasta suddenly asked.
For a moment, Hilda froze. “I… came from a nameless hamlet.”
“I see.” After Hilda finished wiping Kasta’s right arm, she turned around and kneeled before the pail. While she was rinsing the cloth, Kasta spoke. “Were you forced to come here?”
As the droplets of water trickled, Hilda’s shoulders drooped. “No. I chose to be here.”
Quietly, while the ripples on the surface of the water calmed, Hilda’s childish face became apparent. Her eyes hinted sorrow, but the corners of her lips were slightly raised. Then like a torrent, she started recounting her story to Kasta.
During her stay in the church, she repressed her emotions and trained as a priestess. She wanted someone to hear her story, but her emotions conflicted with what she wanted. She did not want to speak unless she was asked. And so she remained silent.
Before Hilda came to live in a hamlet, she lived in a town in Niveria. But after the result of the recent war, she, her little brother, and her mother were forced to move into Brent as refugees. Their father was a conscripted soldier that died in battle.
In response to the refugees coming from Niveria, Brent divided them and placed them under the care of different Lords. It was a bitter decision for Brent’s Royals but they needed to focus on the preparations for war. However, as a remedy, Maxwell turned to Laurel for support. Although his efforts bore fruit, the treaty had only been signed recently and the supplies from Laurel had only started to arrive.
The refugees were welcomed by Sardon’s Lord. The Lord made a large part of the refugees to live in the town. The rest, however, were split and made to live in hamlets. Each hamlet was provided with Earth molded houses and four to five guards.
Among those who lived in the hamlets was Hilda’s family.
Although they were given resources, it was not enough. They lacked the facilities to procure food. The number of the guards was not enough to protect eight to ten families. Also, a healer or a mage was not provided.
This lack of resources drove the hamlets into turmoil. It was then Hilda had the thought, The church. They’ll provide help if someone acts as an offering.
The idea wasn’t new to the believers of the church. The same was true for Hilda. In return for an offering—a human sent to the church to become its servant—the church would provide support depending on the number sent. And this time, for a hamlet, Hilda knew that she herself was enough.
Basically, for the good the people in the hamlet and despite her wanting to live with her family, she offered herself. In truth, however, if her family was not among those living in hamlets, the thought would have never crossed her mind.
After Hilda finished telling her story, she sniffed and started chanting heal. Afterward, while she brushed her glowing fingers on Kasta’s wounds, her lips quivered. However, despite releasing her pent-up emotions, she held back her tears.
“...” Kasta was quiet the entire time.
Kasta, a Rentian, was not a stranger to Hilda’s situation. For one, he had an older sister that was made as an offering back then. But his circumstances differed. Unlike Hilda, who offered herself on her own, his sister was offered due to their village’s tradition. The tradition was to send a child once every three years to retain the church’s support.
Originally, as a believer of the church, Kasta saw it as a norm and sometimes an opportunity to get ahead in life. However, after he heard that his sister got pregnant with the priest’s child five years after she was offered, he started to doubt the church. The reason was his sister’s friend. He knew that her sister loved the man, and the man loved his sister. And despite the offering, the man frequented the church just for them to meet.
Kasta was in no way against the man. He himself approved of their relationship and hoped that they could live together as brothers. However, all their dreams were broken when the priest took a liking to his sister. In addition, as a believer of the church, women were to offer their lives to those who took their first. In this case, it was the priest.
At that moment, the man could not take the result. He rushed to the church and tried to whisk her away. But rather than turn to a story where the man saved the girl he loved, it turned into a tragedy. The man died at the hands of the paladins. Then, his sister, shattered by the sequence of events, committed suicide with the unborn child.
It was then that Kasta saw the church in a different light. And as he grew, he realized that they were all blindly following the church due to the lack of knowledge.
Later on, he decided that he wanted to change his fellow’s views. Naturally, he lacked the authority and the resources. But when he heard that one of Laurel’s Royalty were openly advocating against the church, he gained hope.
Now, it was his fourth year serving as one of Amelia’s Guards after being accepted by Amelia and Maize.
“Hilda. Do you want to leave this place and take your family with you?”
At the center of Sardon was the Lord’s manor. There, in the solar, two hours and a half past sunset, was the Maiden along with four paladins and two clerics as guards.
“I believe you’ve heard of the situation?” While seated on a leather couch, the Maiden said with crossed legs. Around her neck was the necklace that controlled the slaves' collars.
“Of course,” Sardon’s Lord replied while seated on a similar couch opposite the Maiden. The Lord had a wavy black hair and black eyes. He wore a long-sleeved white shirt topped with a brown leather vest. And on his face, whose age was similar to the Maiden, was a gentle smile.
Around the couch were four lightly armored guards armed with swords. The Maiden had arrived to meet the Lord while the guards were preparing for battle.
“Then I believe you understand? Dear Alex.” The Maiden tilted her head slightly. Then, on her face, was a reassuring smile.
His smile unyielding, he nodded. “Mind it not Alessia; it’s an opportunity I won’t miss. To save the priest from the bandits is nothing but just.”
Alex and Alessia. A Lord and a Parish Maiden. These two had a history of their own, but only a select few knew. This information was something that even Kasta and the others had missed.
Back then, Alex was still the only child of Sardon’s previous Lord and Alessia was a humble priestess. It was nothing but love at first sight. A simple encounter it may have been, it has turned into something complicated. To put simply, Alex became the Lord, and Alessia became the Maiden.
Their authority had indeed increased, but the image they needed to maintain was different. Alex was the Lord, and due to this—because of the three-way struggle between nobility, royalty, and the church in Brent—both of them were forced to not be at each other’s side.
However, Alessia, though called a Maiden, was no longer a virgin. She lost it to Alex, the man she loved. But at the same time, it was a secret that must not be revealed. If chance took this secret into the priest’s ear, who knew what might’ve happened. After all, the parish priest’s authority was still greater than hers. Still, her own authority had safeguarded her from the priest’s lust.
That was when Royalty, or rather, Maxwell, came into play. He, like Amelia, was in no way oblivious to the situation in his own kingdom. And because he knew that the church would insist he bring someone from the church’s side into the dialogue, Maxwell chose the priest in Sardon.
In other words, Maxwell knew Alex and Alessia’s situation. He also assumed—knowing Amelia since childhood—Kasta would be sent to free the slaves held within the church’s chambers. Maxwell called it as an unwavering bond with Amelia. Or rather, an unconscious response between each other. Maxwell would always cover up for Amelia’s blunders, and though Amelia had only recently realized it, she had been covering up for Maxwell’s.
Back to the topic at hand, Alex, Alessia, and Maxwell needed to oust Sardon’s priest without hinting a clue to the factions that split Brent in the background.
In response to that, Alex took a part of the refugees and made them stay in Sardon while the rest was divided into hamlets. It was a move to corner the refugees into sending offerings to the church. The reason was to show that he had been successfully kept in check by the parish in Sardon. A move to ascertain Alessia’s position as a Maiden.
Alessia, on the other hand, played the role of the villain. Though merciless her image was, Alessia had always kept that image to retain her position. She needed the church, through a spy acting as a cleric, or maybe a paladin, to be informed of her competence.
However, there was one thing she couldn’t hide to the public. It was also something that bugged Kasta and the others.
Alessia disliked slaves.
It wasn’t a matter of personal hatred to the slaves itself. It was because Alessia hated slavery. For one, she didn’t remain a blind believer after being educated. However, as a servant of the church, she could not openly tell her stand on slavery. Which was why she had been displaying the image of a maiden that despised slaves. She couldn’t fathom the reason for slavery, but to stay in Sardon with Alex, she had to act how the church expected her to be.
It was where the disconnect occurred. Unlike Alessia, the priest loved to keep slaves. And if possible, he wanted a slave closest to a human. However, since human slaves are by far costly than Fallens, he was only able to acquire a few.
This was where Kasta and others were puzzled. The top of the parish loved to keep slaves, but the second in command hated them. It was also the reason as to why Kasta refused to take a slave as a reward. For all that Kasta knew, it was the signal for Alessia to know he was the person they were waiting for.
And hence came Hilda.
Hilda being offered as a reward was every bit unnatural. It was something unheard of. But the words, “If by chance the priest returns alive,” had relieved the clerics and the paladins present back in the chamber. For the clerics and the paladins knew. Her form of reward could immediately be revoked by the priest.
To put simply, Alessia made Hilda and Kasta meet. It had never been fate. It was all in order to push Kasta into thinking of taking Hilda away from the church.
“Now then, shall we proceed to retake the priest?” Asked Alessia with a charming smile.
“Needless to say.”
And so the curtains finally rose and the play began.
“Halt!” As Amelia’s guards stood in surprise, another unexpected situation had bewildered them. “We came by the orders of His Highness Maxwell!”
The leader of the group of ‘bandits’ raised his arm with a gold medallion in his clutch. The medallion had the Holy Spears of Longinus engraved in it along with Maxwell’s name.
“Please put your weapons down! We came here to inform you of the situation at hand!”
Due to the distance, they could not confirm the engraving on the medallion. However, since they were completely outnumbered, they dropped their weapons to the ground and surrendered. And as soon as they did, the ‘bandit’ leader climbed down his horse and approached. It was then they confirmed that the medallion was genuine.
The leader then informed them of the plan and the actual situation in Sardon. Little by little, the script they needed to play was ingrained in them. Even so, despite the lack of time, their pride in collecting information was wounded. But because they didn’t have the time to mull over childish thoughts, they continued to play the script they were given.
Three hours past sunset. Kasta peered through the small window in Hilda’s chamber. There he saw the citizens of Sardon moving out to the street or peering through their windows. Various inaudible mutters were flung from the streets and alleys. All the while fixing their sights at the guards marching towards the east gate with torches in hand.
A few seconds after, he turned away and faced Hilda.
With her hands clasped and held over her stomach, Hilda nodded. “Please return safely.” In her eyes was a determined gleam.
Then quietly, Kasta passed by Hilda, grabbed the pail of red-stained water, and reached for the knob. “It’s a promise.” Then, without waiting for a reply, he turned the knob and moved to the side.
Hilda moved to the hallway. Kasta followed behind and closed the door, his feet wrapped in a cloth. Then quietly, both walked down the hallway in light steps. Upon reaching the wooden stairs, Kasta placed the pail down. Promptly, Hilda fetched it. Then with a glance towards Kasta, Hilda began descending the stairs.
Meanwhile, Kasta began chanting.
Manifest, Hide.
While Hilda waddled down to the stair landing, Kasta leaned his ears near the railings. There he listened as Hilda continued to the first floor.
“G-good evening,” Hilda greeted a cleric downstairs.
“Oh, you just got down?”
“Yes.” Hilda nodded and placed the pail down.
“Ah, then, want me to carry that for you? You can get my meal in the meantime.”
Soon, the cleric vanished from the hallway with the pail. Conversely, Hilda took a glance on the stairs before heading to the kitchen.
When both left, Kasta descended the stairs and scanned the hallways. As he confirmed the surrounding presences, he nimbly ran through the hallway. Each time he reached a corner he would stop, listen for footsteps, and peek.
This is too easy… He thought as he darted his eyes. He crouched, leaned near the shadows, then dashed with steps as light as he possibly could.
What is this? This vigilance is too lax. They can’t be all in the mess hall, or are they?
As Kasta entered a large chamber, he paralleled himself on a pillar while waiting for a paladin to pass. The moment the paladin turned its back, Kasta moved to a different pillar and waited a second time.
Six. Six including Hilda. Is that all? Kasta counted all the servants he sighted along the way.
Kasta moved from one pillar to another and finally reached his destination. There, while peeking from a pillar, was a cleric standing guard. At his waist were the keys to the door at his back.
After calming his heart, Kasta crouched and placed his fingers on the ground. Then, lifting his rear to a starting dash posture, he canceled Hide and started chanting reinforcement. The moment he finished, he ran towards the cleric.
“Wha-!”
Before the cleric was able to shout, Kasta caught his neck in a chokehold. Unable to go against Kasta’s strength, the cleric eventually lost his consciousness. At that moment, Kasta grabbed the keys and opened the door. Then immediately, he dragged the cleric inside.
After he rested the cleric nearby, he turned around and said, “Lo and behold.”
It was the armory.
Beside the stairs leading towards the basement, Hilda approached the paladin with a bowl of soup.
“Umm… Mister.”
“Hmm?”
“Everyone has eaten already, so here’s an excess.” Then she offered the bowl.
“Thanks.”
As he received the bowl and sipped it in parts, another paladin came.
“Can I have one too?” It was Kasta wearing a paladin’s armor.
Hilda nodded in response and escaped through the hallway.
On the other hand, “What?” the paladin with a bowl said. “Isn’t there su-”
Kasta smashed his fist onto the paladin’s neck before he was able to finish. Then, after the paladin banged against the wall, Kasta choked the paladin with his hands. Soon, Kasta dragged the unconscious paladin into the basement. Meanwhile, Hilda returned and cleaned the spilt soup.
After Kasta left the unconscious paladin, he headed deeper into the basement. At the end of the hallway to the left was a door. As he approached it, he shielded his nose from the stench of urine and feces. Without further ado, he unlocked the door and entered.
Past the door were jail cells. Inside them were the slaves, shackled and collared. One cell contained five Fallens, and another contained two humans. Silently, after he unlocked one cell, he entered while dangling the keys before the slaves.
“It’ll be over soon.”
Kasta explained the situation to the slaves while he started unlocking their shackles. Gradually, out of disbelief, the slaves realized the situation. Tears ran down their sunken cheeks. Their dry and cracked lips curved into smiles. Their hands and bodies trembled with joy. All the while repeatedly saying, “Thank you, thank you.”
Later on, the slaves gathered, but their necks were still collared. The key, the crystal that controlled the collars, was still in Alessia’s hand. However, they couldn’t care less. As long as they get as far as they could from the holder of the necklace, the effects of the slave collar would vanish.
Little did they know that Alessia had already disabled its effects. The necklace she held was nothing but a display.
In any case, Hilda went down to the basement after Kasta informed her. After they were ready, Kasta went ahead. Hilda followed the rest of the slaves. However, soon, an explosion occurred. It came from the main gate. A few seconds later, the remaining servants of the church rushed to the site of the explosion.
“Quick!” They didn’t overlook the chance. Immediately, as the servants gathered at the main gate, Kasta and the group proceeded to the back. After two hallways and an open corridor, they finally reached the church’s garden. There they ran unmindful of the sound of their footsteps. When they neared the church’s back entrance, a familiar voice called.
“Hilda?!” A blonde-haired woman with similar features to Hilda stood in a large carriage for merchants. She jumped down and rushed to Hilda. The moment she jumped, a boy peeked from the carriage.
“Mama?! Kyle?!” Wide-eyed, Hilda unconsciously reduced her running pace. The boy was her little brother.
Then in response, bewildered by the situation, Kasta and the slaves stopped. But after Kasta’s comrades emerged from the same carriage as Hilda’s mother, they approached. All that his comrades told him was, “We’ll explain along the way.”
Needless to say, Kasta and the group boarded the carriage and escaped through Sardon’s west gate.
Along the way, from the west of Sardon to the north, then finally to the east, Kasta’s comrades explained the script that Alex and Alessia played. But before that, they informed Kasta that they surrendered the priest and the coachman to Maxwell’s men.
The troops from Sardon, consisting of thirty guards, twelve paladins, six clerics, and the five slaves, marched towards the rocky hills. However, the number of guards that marched the streets exceeded that number. It was purposely done to grab the attention of the citizens towards the east gate.
Before they marched, Alex, side-by-side with Alessia, announced that they were retrieving the priest from the bandits. They publicly announced the situation so that they could grab the citizens' beliefs.
When the troops marched, they were supposed to search the rocky hills. However, the search was fruitless as expected. There were no bandits to catch. It was all a fabricated scheme. Now, since they failed to locate the priest, they needed to return to Sardon and arrange for a proper search party, but that’s when Maxwell’s men come into play.
From the city south of Sardon, they bore the news that the bandits were apprehended. They brought with them the priest who was supposedly nabbed by the bandits. However, when the priest was returned to Sardon, his limbs were far from complete recovery. the priest's limbs were beyond complete recovery.
Now, since the priest was returned alive, the slaves were freed as per Alessia's condition even though they did nothing. Needless to say, the slaves were brought into the care of Maxwell’s men.
The priest, on the other hand, had to be replaced. He was already considered unfit to resume his position due to his limbs. Alex and Alessia hoped to nominate a priest that they could control. However, the results of the nomination for a parish priest would be announced after the church confirmed.
Returning to the carriage, after a day of traveling passed, they reached a coast. At a distance from the coast was caravel with its masts folded, and at the banks were several boats. Around the boats were several men in simple cotton clothing, waiting for passengers before rowing the oars.
Nearby was a man with blonde hair and green irises, standing gallantly on a patch of sand. It was Maxwell.
After Kasta and the others alighted from the carriage, they were led to the boats and headed to the caravel in batches.
“It’s been quite a while.” A victorious smile was plastered on Maxwell’s face.
Kasta bowed. “I have heard of it. We are indebted to you, Your Highness.”
Maxwell laughed in response. “You shouldn’t be too formal, Kasta. I’ll feel bad if someone I used to train with treated me like this.”
“Please excuse my manners.”
For some time, Kasta and Maxwell spoke in idle chatter. However, time was short. They had to end their conversation.
“Kasta, please send my regards to Amelia.” Maxwell waved his hand as he turned around.
“Will do.” Then again, Kasta bowed as he gazed at Maxwell’s receding back. “I wonder how things will turn out for those two in the future.”
Then, they all boarded the caravel headed towards the port city of Piraeus.
A bit of a tangent/side note-as a heads up, normally in English "Fallen" could be a term for a group, so it could be used as is and be considered plural. Such as "A group of Fallen had appeared, ready to attack." Since this is your story and the plurality of words or terms for groups is up to you, "Fallens" works, but I think in most cases it would just be "Fallen" to refer to them either as a single individual or as a whole, like it would be for the word deer. This is getting into that whole mess of plurals like goose -> geese and mouse -> mice.
Wow, this one ended up taking a lot longer than expected. Hope it's useful.
"Kasta now left alone in the chamber," -> "Kasta, now..."
"window at about two" -> "window about two"
"Painful it was," -> usual phrasing would be "Painful as it was,..."
"her back reared due to the weight" -> maybe "her back hunched due to the weight" ?
"Then careful not to spill the water" -> "Then, careful..."
“From which village did you came from?” -> Maybe "Which village did you come from?" or "From which village do you hail?"
"Basically, for the good the people in the hamlet, despite her wanting to live with her family, she offered herself. But in truth, if her family wasn’t included in the hamlet, she wouldn’t have chosen to offer herself."
If you would like a possible rewrite/rewording of this passage, maybe "Basically, for the good of the people in the hamlet and despite her desire to stay with her family, she offered herself to the church. But truthfully, if her family wasn't a part of the hamlet she never would have offered herself as a sacrifice for the hamlet."
"despite her releasing her pent-up emotions" -> "despite releasing her pent-up emotions"
"Unlike Hilda who offered" -> "Unlike Hilda, who..."
"an opportunity to get big in life" -> usual phrasing is "an opportunity to get ahead in life"
"women were to offer their lives to those who took their first." -> maybe "women were to offer their lives to the one who took their virginity." ? Unless going for a poetic description of it, then just "to the one who took their first".....unless it's also implying something much darker like a woman being expected to remain with a gang that had kidnapped her if they defiled her. If that's the case then keep the original wording.
"Then her sister, shattered..." -> "Then his sister, ..."
"blindly following the church out of lack of knowledge." -> either "out of ignorance" or "out of a lack of knowledge"
"the Maiden said with crossed legs" -> "Maiden sat with"
"Slightly, the Maiden tilted her head with a smile." -> might flow more smoothly as "the Maiden slightly tilted her head with a smile." or "the Maiden tilted her head with a slight smile."
"but only a select few had known" -> either "but only a select few knew" or "but only a select few were in on the secret"
"Alex then was still the first child" -> "Back then, Alex was..."
"It was nothing but a simple love at first sight. A simple encounter it may have been, it turned into something complicated." -> maybe "It was nothing but love at first sight. It may have started as a simple encounter, but it turned into something complicated."
"But her own authority had safeguarded her from the priest’s lust." -> "Still, her own..."
"That was when Royalty, no, Maxwell came to play." for another option "That what when Royalty, or rather Maxwell, came to play."
"would insist him to bring someone" -> "would insist he bring someone"
"Maxwell calls it an" -> "Maxwell called it"
"Or rather, an unconscious response between each other." -> should this be "Or rather, an unspoken understanding between each other." ?
"without hinting a clue" -> maybe "without leaving any clues for.." ?
"Though merciless her image was, Alessia had always kept that image to retain her position. She needed the church, through a spy acting as a cleric, or maybe a paladin, to be informed of her competence." -> maybe "Though her image was merciless, Alessia always had to keep that image to retain her position. She needed the church's spies to report on her competence."
"thing she couldn’t hide even to the public" -> "thing she couldn't hide from the public"
"It wasn’t a matter of personal hate to the slaves itself." -> "It wasn't a matter of personal hatred for the slaves themselves."
"she had to act what the church wanted her to be." -> "she had to act how the church expected her to."
"It was where the disconnection occurred." -> "This was where the disconnect occured."
"However, since human slaves are by far costly than Fallens," -> "However, since human slaves were far more expensive than Fallens,"
"This is where Kasta and others were puzzled" -> "This was where..."
"It was something unheard-of." -> maybe "It was practically unheard of." ? Or just remove the hyphen
"It was never been fate." -> "It had never been fate."
"Needless to say." -> this may fall to personal preference, but I've mostly seen that phrase used as the start of a sentence rather than it's own thing. The same sentiment on it's own would usually be phrased as "That goes without saying." But, needless to say, feel free to ignore this if the phrasing it what would come naturally for your writing style :)
"And so the curtains finally raised and the play began." -> "finally rose"
"We came by the orders of His Highness Maxwell!" -> "come on the orders"
"Due to the four being far" -> maybe "Due to the four being far away, ..." or "Due to the distance, ..."
"climbed down his horse" -> "down from his horse"
"Then without waiting for a reply" -> "Then, without..."
"his feet wrapped in a cloth" -> "his feet wrapped in cloth"
"Hilda took a glance on the stairs" -> "glance at the stairs"
"reached a corner, he would" -> "corner he would"
"then dashed with as light steps as possible." -> "then dashed with steps as light as possible."
"They can’t be all in the mess hall, aren’t they?" -> "mess hall, can they?"
"he paralleled himself" -> "he flattened himself"
"Then as soon as the paladin turned its back" -> "Then, as soon as the paladin turned his back, " (assuming the paladin is male)
"At his waist was the keys to the door at his back." -> maybe "At his waist were the keys to the door behind him." ?
"Then lifting his rear to a start-dash posture" -> "Then, lifting his rear to a starting dash posture, ..."
"Kasta caught his neck" -> "Kasta caught him by the neck"
"Kasta smashed his fist onto the paladin’s neck before he was able to finish. Then after the paladin banged against the wall, Kasta choked the paladin with his hands." -> "Kasta smashed his fist into.... Then, after the paladin...."
"to the left, was a" -> "to the left was a"
"Then without further ado," -> "Without further ado,"
"Inside them were the slaves shackled and collared." -> "Inside them were the slaves, shackled and collared."
"Their dry and cracked lips curved into a smile." -> "into smiles"
"Their hands and body trembled with joy." -> "bodies"
"After they were arranged" -> "were ready"
"After they were arranged, Kasta went ahead. Hilda followed then the rest of the slaves." -> "After they were ready, Kasta went first, followed by Hilda and then the rest of the slaves."
"All that his comrades told him was, “We’ll explain along the way.” -> This should probably be in the same paragraph
"The troops from Sardon, consisting of thirty guards, twelve paladins, six clerics, and the five slaves marched towards the rocky hills." -> "five slaves, marched"
"streets exceed that number." -> "exceeded"
"grab the citizens' beliefs." -> should this be "grab the citizens' attention." ?
"When the troops marched, they were" -> "When the troops marched they were"
"The supposed result was to end up with nothing. After all, there were no bandits to catch." -> maybe "The search was fruitless as expected; after all, there were no bandits to catch."
However, the condition of the priest’s limbs were beyond complete recovery. Nonetheless, the priest was surrendered to Sardon." -> maybe "However, even though the priest's limbs were beyond saving, he was still returned to Sardon."
"Now, since the priest was returned alive, despite the five slaves doing nothing, they were freed as per Alessia’s condition." -> "Now since the priest had returned alive, the slaves were freed as per Alessia's condition even though they did nothing."
"The priest, on the other hand, must be replaced. He was already considered invalidated in his condition. And as planned, Alex and Alessia hoped to nominate a priest that they could control. But the results of the nomination for a parish priest would be announced after the church confirmed." -> maybe "The priest, on the other hand, had to be replaced. He was already considered unfit for duty because of his condition. Alex and Alessia planned to nominate a priest that they could control, but the results of the nomination for a parish priest would be announced only after the church confirmed their choice."
"Nearby, was a man with blonde hair and green irises gallantly standing on a patch of sand." -> "irises, standing gallantly on a patch of sand."
"After Kasta and the others alighted the carriage" -> "alighted from the carriage"
"I used to train with would treat me like this." -> "train with treated me like this."
"For a while, Kasta and Maxwell proceeded with idle chatter, but since time was ticking, they had to end their conversation sooner." -> maybe "For a time Kasta and Maxell chatted idly, but soon had to end their conversation because time was running out."
"Then they all boarded the caravel headed towards the port city of Piraeus." -> "Then, they all boarded the caravel and headed towards the port city of Piraeus."
I'm contemplating about the adjective + 'as it was'. I'm not really sure there is a big difference between that and adjective + 'it was' so I'll hold it for now.
Regarding Hilda's 'reared' posture, it's more like a person carrying something heavy with the object carried at the front. To keep the balance, the person has to rear his/her back. In terms of shape, it's more of disfigured 'S'. So it's more of the opposite of a hunched back. I'm not really sure if there is a specific term for that posture so I went with reared. Maybe bent backward?
And here I was thinking that removing the commas after 'then' was the right thing while editing. Guess I'll have to put them back.
To get ahead in life. 'ahead' did not cross my mind when I was thinking of the word to use in that sentence. Maybe I was too influenced with movies which usually uses 'big' to get a prosperous life. Ahead is surely a more leveled word compared to big.
I did use the term 'first' rather than virginity here to put emphasis on religious teachings. At least in the religion I was born in, they rarely use the term virginity for several reasons. One was to make it vague so those who are younger will have to ask their parents what is a woman's 'first'. There's also the reason that religious people are very conservative to the point that they describe private parts and its conditions in vague terms. Basically, to match up with the religion of Libet, I used a term that their believers will often use. There's also that sad and dark part where women have to live with the person who took their first even if the belief is unfounded. Indirectly, it also portrays that Men have more privilege than Women under Libet's religion. This is enforced by the fact the priest took Kasta's sister virginity in order to 'own' her. There's also the fact that Alessia will always be second to the Parish Priest.
The unspoken understanding and unconscious response seem similar. I'm a bit torn between the two since if I were to explain it with more words, Maxwell or Amelia will automatically move to cover each other. It's like a gut feeling. They'll move even without understanding first and reason it out along the way. So, in a way, it's unconscious. On the other hand, it's also an unspoken understanding between the two since they sort of could imagine what the other person would do next. So, for now, I'll leave it be for further debate or suggestions.
For hinting the clue, I actually changed it from 'leaving'. But I came with the thought the 'leaving' is more used for physical evidence. In this case, the 'clues' are intangible (Vague movements. Change in habits. Suspicious movements.) After all, the fabricated physical evidence is supported by Alex's claim. Though I guess leaving too might work for intangible stuff. Just not sure at the moment.
The tone difference between 'had' and 'was' in 'it was never been fate' sure is different. And now that you suggested it, I just realized that 'had' gives more emphasis or something similar.
And yeah, I really like 'needless to say'. It has a somewhat elegant flow for me compared to other similar phrases.
About 'we came by the orders of His Highness Maxwell', I think them saying it in past tense is correct? Since the order was issued before they met Kasta's group.
About 'was,' then a new line before the dialogue tag, "We'll explain along the way". It's some sort of style that I sometimes use. I know it's unorthodox, but I do remember a book using the same break now and then and I sort of copied that habit. I forgot the title though since I've read a lot and can't remember clearly. But it sometimes gives emphasis on the dialogue. But I guess this time is fine without the line break. It's not really that special dialogue anyway.
And though the explanation was brief regarding Alessia and Alex's public announcement, they did explain the situation to the people. In return, they received the people's understanding. So rather than just 'attention', they got the people's 'understanding'. But since the announcement was part of a scheme, it turned into 'belief'. It's a bit tricky, but I sometimes play with words whenever I think possible. But frankly, I'm not sure if a lot notices them.
About the Priest's limbs, I altered it a bit but I do have to retain the 'complete recovery' part. Since his limbs can still be recovered by the magic that exists within current human knowledge, it's not beyond saving. His limbs can recover its functions but it won't be as good as it was. That is if the church deems the recovery of his limbs to be beneficial.
All the other suggestions were pretty much edited into the chapter. Some with a few changes thanks to your ideas. Quite frankly, I was a bit confident in this chapter after posting. I did pass through it several times but I guess my own eyes is still not enough to reduce the mistakes from several to barely any. Shame on me I guess haha.
Then again, that was sure a lot of effort. I'm not really sure how to thank you, but I'm really grateful for all the suggestions you are bringing into the table.
Forgot to mention the Fallen term. And yes, since it's a term coined by the residents of Origin themselves, I think it deserves its own identity in Origin's language.
Don't stress too much, when you're reading something you wrote your mind often automatically glosses over minor errors with and replaces it what what you intended. I've gone through my own work before and spotted mistakes I read over like 5 times without realizing it. It helps to write something and then let some time pass before going through and doing further edits and checking for mistakes-that way you see what is there instead of what you intended to put. Even just doing something else for an hour or two can help spot the mistakes if you don't have time to put it to the side for the day and resume another day
"verb as it was" vs "verb it was" would fall into writing style I think, so feel free to keep it. If I changed too many of those, that was probably my personal writing style creeping in, sorry.
Bent backward is a safe bet, I had pictured her leaning forward to help carry the pail rather than leaning backward to balance it
The commas after then depend on the sentence structure. "Then they did it." wouldn't need one but "Then, after everything was over, they did it." would. There is a pause when reading the second, and the section in commas could be removed without the sentence losing it's meaning. Dependent vs independent clauses
I have heard the phrase "go big" when referring to someone's life or goals, but I don't think I've often seen it phrased as "go big in life". That could just be me not having heard/seen it though, it does work as a phrase, it just isn't one I'm familiar with. An example of a phrase for a similar sentiment from a different culture is "leaping to the sky in a single bound" or "found a golden thigh to grasp"
Ah, so it was a somewhat poetic description of it to keep it vague like they would in that religion. Makes sense
Perhaps "instinctual understanding" then? Unspoken agreement does tend to be a level below what you're describing, often used to describe a situation like former enemies having to join forces to fight a third so they aren't both killed-they both know they don't want to die, they both know if they keep fighting they'll both end up losing, so they have to work together to fight the new threat if they want to live.
Leaving would work, hinting does too though it is an unusual word choice. The first phrase that comes to mind for such a thing would be "left no traces", which would include the subtle hints rather than just physical clues.
The "come on the orders of" part gets wonky in my mind-it's a toss up of them saying "we are currently arriving because of the orders from X" (present tense X sent us) before then saying "We came here to help." or "We have come to help." (past tense clarifying why they are there). Reading through again I might have figured it out- I think it is passive voice vs active voice. "We come by the order of" or "We came on the order of" both work. Differently phrased the second one could be "We came because of Maxwell's orders.", though that isn't formal enough for the situation.
Ah, a break in paragraph for dramatic impact? Fair enough.
I was actually more torn over "belief" or "beliefs" for word choice at the end rather than changing the context. I wasn't sure which it would be, so I side stepped the issue with a word change suggestion
Reading it again, it seems fine now @_@ . Your word choice does make a difference and is noticed-an example from this very chapter is the sentence about the entire thing being a play with a script, rather than random chance. If you want a more dramatic phrasing for that line, maybe "To put simply, Alessia orchestrated Hilda and Kasta's meeting."
Ah, that might have just been me hoping the guy was now a permanent invalid because of how unpleasant a character he was. To describe it in the setting maybe something like "If the church felt him worth the investment the priest would be able to recover the basic functions of his limbs, but even then he would never have a full recovery back to his former level of ability."
Glad to be able to help, I enjoy the story a lot and it helps me find something to focus on to do something productive instead of losing focus and staring at a wall while lost in thought.