Laura and I texted back and forth, building up to the Saturday jam session. Well, jam session/date. She continued to make me laugh on a regular basis. Sometimes I would feel the buzz in my pocket during class, and fill with excitement for the moment I could finally look at it.

We had similar tastes in movies and music, and that added to our regular back and forth.

Saturday arrived and I was really getting stressed out. I got up early and took a shower, did my hair, put on some make-up (perhaps slightly more than usual). I picked out some pretty regular clothes for me: ripped jeans skinny jeans and hoodie, and headed for the car.

"Where are you going all done up?"

Mom had caught me.

"I'm uhh... meeting a friend. From school." (It wasn't a total lie, we had discovered we both went to middle school together, but it was huge and neither of us had ever met).

She raised one eyebrow and it was apparent that she saw right through me. We had a brief silent conversation, and I was losing.

"Okay," she said eventually, "But be safe, and keep me in the loop."

I was shocked and excited. I ran up and hugged her.

"You're the best."

"Yes well, that's pretty much a given," she replied.

We both laughed, and I made my way out to the old piece of well loved junk that I got to drive around. Full disclosure, I didn't mind. It added to as Amelia liked to call it... "my sorta-goth" vibe.

During the drive, all my anxiety about how this could go was coming to the surface. Question after question shooting through my head. I was fidgeting and triple checking how I looked at red-lights.

I pulled up and saw that she was waiting on her front porch. She waved as I parked across the street. As I was walking over to her, she pulled up the garage door to reveal a dingy yet awesome looking music setup.

"Nice to meet you in person," she said.

The awkwardness had hit its peak.

"Uhh.... Same," I replied.

"So.... This the contents of my garage," she said, as she began to take me on a tour around the garage.

We chatted it up a bit more, and I began to very slowly relax. The worst was over, and pretty soon the two of us were just messing around and having fun. She was ever so subtly different from the person I expected her to be after our digital conversations. When she had the delay of a few seconds to think of things over text, it seemed fluid. But in person that delay was in real time and she would take a short moment before speaking to compose her thoughts. And on top of that, she kicked ass on the drums.

We talked and played for almost eight hours. I would riff off of her, she would catch a bit I was doing on the guitar
and come up with a rhythm to back it. Neither of us were really singers, but we gave it a shot ever now and then, to hilariously disastrous effects. Mom had been texting me intermittently throughout, and finally insisted that I finish up and head home for dinner.

"Well... It was really cool to meet you," I said, trying to hold back a blush.

"Likewise!"

It was clear neither of us knew how to end it, so we both just waved in an over-the-top sense and I walked back over to my car. I drove off, and the entire ride back was filled with me talking and venting to myself. Several deep breathes, some screams of pent up anxiety being released after what I felt like was a successful encounter... first date... thing. In all honesty, this was the first time since Amelia, the first time since transitioning... Hell, maybe even the first time ever, that I had felt so on top of the world.

Naturally... That feeling wouldn't last.

 

~~~~~

 

Another month went by and no communication. Amelia had stopped our semi-nightly calls, which I was okay with, and my occasional texts with Sarah and Jordan had dropped off completely. But what hit me the hardest, was that Laura had stopped answering my texts as well. We talked back and forth just about the same amount after our "Jam Session", but when we both got too busy the following week for any plans, our conversation slowed, and became increasingly more one-sided.

Rachael: Hey, are you free next weekend? Laura: No, I've got a big soccer game on Saturday. Rachael: Well what about Sunday? Or Friday night? Laura: Sorry... Its like a whole big thing, and there's a bunch of traditions we do on game weeks. Rachael: Oh. Rachael: I gotcha.

After a week with no communication I gave it one last time to see if I could jump-start things back.

Rachael: Hey... We haven't talked in a while. What's up?

When I got no response for another week afterward, I decided to give up.

I was powering through school, and before long it was November. I had (whether intentionally or unintentionally) limited hanging out with friends (which mostly just consisted of Henry) during a few hours over the weekend. I spent most my free time held up in my room, just writing songs that I figured would go nowhere.

As November began to draw to a close, the end of the semester was in sight. The bell rang and we finished our last full week of school (the next week being only a three days instead of the typical five). I grabbed the few things I needed from my locker and was about to walk to my car, when Henry ran up beside me.

"Hey, where you going?" he asked.

It struck as a question with a pretty obvious answer, "Home."

"Oh.. Right. Duh!" he nervously spouted back," So... you know how the winter dance is after the last day of the semester next week?"

"Sure..." I replied, figuring I knew where this was going.

"Well I was wondering if we should go together?"

I gave it small snarky chuckle. I hadn't really planned on going, but standing off to the sides and making fun of all the couples had a small amount of intrigue.

"Pal around and be nerdy? Sure... sounds fun. That's what friends are for right?" I said, giving him a reassuring smile.

"Right..." he said, still nervous. That had me a bit worried.

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go as maybe... more than just friends?"

"FUCK," I screamed in my head. I stopped walking, frozen to the spot. Turns out, I did not know where this was going. Panic and anxiety were hitting me hard. Between the pause I was taking and the expression on my face, Henry was reacting before I even spoke.

"Henry... Your a great friend. My best friend! But I'm not really into guys...."

"Oh..." was all he said for a few seconds, "I just figured since you changed that maybe..."

I wanted to help him out, but I liked him as just a friend, and leading him to anything more than that would have just made things worse.

"Its cool. I understand," he finished.

I pulled him into a hug.

"Sorry dude."

We both took deep breathes before parting.

"I'll see you Monday?" I asked.

"Ya... See you Monday, Rachael."

I picked myself back up and finished walking to my car, while he went back the other way. I felt like shit for having to do that to him.

"Maybe I could have made it work? Maybe it would just take a little longer for my brain to switch over like my body, and things would happen naturally? Maybe I could have figured out a way that my only friend wouldn't feel hurt?" I thought.

But I knew better than that. This was the right thing to do, even if it fucking sucked.

~~~~~

 

After I rejected Henry, we had little time to recoup before the winter holidays. By the time we came back for the next semester, Henry kept his distance from me. Too much time had passed for me to find an easy way to try and start a conversation without awkwardness, so I just let it lie. We drifted apart, and by February, we didn't talk at all.

It sucked that I was now friendless for all intents and purposes. I shut myself off in my room for hours on end, just sorta done and annoyed with everything.

Fortunately, my family wouldn't quit. We had a tradition that the six of us would go ice skating every Valentines Day. Jack would even drive back from college to meet us. The way that my parents explained it was that Valentines Day was all about being with people you loved, and that extended to everybody in the family. I had always found it pretty silly, but it was still my favorite family tradition.

I'd been practically raised on the ice rink after all the years I'd been coming here. I couldn't skate backwards or anything, but I loved the feeling of the cold air hitting my face, while I glided, frictionless, over the ice. Riley, at only six, was still struggling with keeping her balance. Normally Stacy and Maddie watched over her, but Stacy had brought her new boyfriend (who I only begrudgingly approved of) and was otherwise occupied. It was apparent that 10 year old Maddie wasn't able to handle Riley on her own, so I skated over.

"How you doing, you two?" I asked as I came up alongside them.

"I hate it!" Riley said, throwing her arms up.

The sudden motion caused her balance to shift sending her tumbling to the floor. Riley was a tough cookie, but it was clear that she was exasperated and began to softly cry.

"Hey..." I said, picking her up and setting her on her feet.

"She doesn't even try..." said Maddie.

"Do too! Its just impossible," Riley shot back.

"Its not impossible," I said, doing my best to keep her steady. "Maddie, grab her left hand."

Maddie stuck her hand out, and Riley pulled her's back.

"Riley, you need to trust us... Okay?"

She looked up at me, with a clear pout, but eventually stuck out her hand towards Maddie. I moved behind her her, with one hand on her back and another holding her open right hand.

"It took me and Maddie a while to figure it out too," I said to Riley, while her pout continued, "The goal is to go forward right?"

She nodded.

"Well sometimes, in order to go forward you might have zig and zag a bit off to the sides." I demonstrated how my feet pushed off at horizontal angles, but my momentum carried me forward.

We moved forward slowly, as Riley wobbled between Maddie and I. Just as it seemed like she was getting it, Riley picked her foot up a bit too much and worriedly lost her footing. I caught her before she tumbled, but she was still clearly put out. She yanked free of Maddie's grip, and attempted to do the same with me.

"I can't, I keep falling down!" It was apparent she was on the verge of a meltdown, so I did the best I could to direct her away from it.

"That's okay. Look..." I pointed over to Stacy and her boyfriend (who was less than graceful on the ice). The two of them wobbled along until her boyfriend slipped, pulling them both to the ground. Riley winced and looked away, but I nudged her back. Even on the ground, Stacy and her boyfriend were still laughing as they attempted to get up, causing them to slip wildly around.

"Stacy has been doing this for almost as long as I have and she stills falls down. Everybody falls Riley, Stacy just knows that she'll be able to get back up and try things again."

Riley let out a small "hmpff" and crossed her arms.

"So what do you say?" I asked, "Get back up?"

She looked at me dead in the eye and then looked away. I'd diffused the situation a bit, but I knew that she was so
close. I only needed to push her the last little bit. It took barely a second for the perfect thing to pop into my head.

"If you try one more time, I'll let you paint my nails."

She looked back up at me, and indignantly stuck out her hand for me to take. Maddie grabbed the other hand, and the three of us started to skate ever so slowly. As we began picking up a bit of speed, Riley got caught off balance and was about to slip when with a little help from Maddie and I on her sides, she righted herself. Then we began to go faster until we were at speed with the crowd at large.

Maddie slowly lessened her grip, until she floated off and did her own thing, leaving just me and Riley. Then, Jack sped by us and span around, skating backwards while he looked at Riley and I.

"Showoff," I thought in my head.

"Come on Riles!" Jack called to her.

I leaned over to her ear, and whispered, "Just remember that its okay to fall or go a little sideways."

She looked up at me, and then her expression hardened into her regular competitive and fun-loving self. She let go of my hand, and instantly started to wobble. But quickly she caught herself and started moving on her own, ever so slowly picking up speed. She made one or two final pushes and slammed into Jack who picked her up and tossed her gleefully in the air.

Both Jack and Riley were giggling wildly as I slowed up and let them play around. It was pretty great to watch.

Then Stacy pulled up next to me, solo.

"Where's Harrison?" I asked her. She indicated that he was off to the side drinking some hot chocolate.

"So..." Stacy started, "Maybe you should take some of your own advice..."

I rolled my eyes.

"Cliche's work for little kids," I said to her, "Us big ones need a little more than that."

She threw her hands up to say she was backing off, "Alright."

I rolled my eyes again, as she pulled off the rink and ran over to her boyfriend. As I was looking at her across the rink I caught eyes with my mom. She smiled at me lovingly, and I let a small grin form across my face.

~~~~~

School flew by. I graduated second in my class at the end of the year. My family threw me a huge party and I was happy to see Henry show up. I was accepted to Winchester, which had me pretty excited. I'd seen that Amelia had been accepted as well, and chuckled at the coincidence.

Since I'd really gotten into song writing over the past few months, my mom suggested I spend the summer with my Aunt who ran a music store and was connected with some of the local scene. It seemed like a good idea, and I began packing my bags the day school let out.

The second big coincidence was that through some facebook antics I realized that my aunt lived in the same town as Amelia. It kinda stopped me in my tracks for a moment. I still had some mixed up feelings about her, and being in such close vicinity without telling her would certainly be awkward.

But I figured, "Ehh... I'll laugh it off if I fall, and just pick myself back up."