> 8:00AM Wake Up.
Bee groggily pulled off the headset and sat up in bed.
Fuck.
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
They...she? They…
A deep breath.
I had a hell of a thing to wrap my head around. Several hells worth of things, even, if this mountain of dissociation was an indication.
I ended up spending hours with Candy, alternating between talking and cuddling, before logging out early because, frankly, I had a lot of shit to work through.
Only that was the middle of the night and apparently I didn’t set the dive system to actually wake me up.
Probably just as well. I felt more...better?
No. Not better. I felt fucking terrible. My skin crawled if I let too much attention drift to it and I had a lump in my throat that would probably choke me before it let me hear the sound of my own voice...not that I could disagree with it on that one.
What was a little more under control was the self hate spiral. I was back to background levels of loathing, rather than the 5 alarm disaster of last night. I might even be able to talk...well, text, with my friends without crying.
Maybe.
Speaking of that...Fuck Me. Again.
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
Okay. Cutting out that self pity for a few minutes; before I drop into another spiral. Deep Breaths.
Deep, regular breaths.
I grabbed my phone and wrapped myself in a blanket cocoon, which helped a little with the skin crawls. No matter how my body was shaped, floof was still floof.
> Bee: Hey.
> Bee: Are you up yet?
> Bee: I think we need to talk…
> Danny: Bee!?
> Danny: Fuck thank god you’re okay!
> Danny: I was so worried about you!
Danny’s first message came in before I had even finished my opening salvo. I guess she was pretty worried…
> Bee: I’m sorry
> Bee: I was going through a lot
> Bee: am*
> Danny: Fuck. Bee, you KILLED yourself in game!!
> Danny: What the hell was I supposed to do but worry!?
> Danny: I just so fucking glad that you’re okay…
Oh. OH. That...makes sense, actually. I did kinda do that. I was the fucking worst. Also, stop that, I need to communicate more than I need to beat myself up. There will be plenty of time for that later on…
> Bee: Sorry, I wasn’t thinking T_T
> Bee: But I kinda need to say this now while I still have the courage
> Bee: ...Okay?
Long pause on this one. Please be okay with this?
> Danny: Okay...
Okay. Just remember to breathe. Danny is my friend. She’ll support me and not hate me or never talk to me again or lure me into a dark alley full of scary men to beat and maybe kill-
No. No, stop that. You’re catastrophizing, me. Just…
> Bee: I think I’m trans
Okay. Okay. Okay.
I wrote it.
Now I just need to send it.
I feel like my heartbeat is going miles a minute. I’m breaking into a cold sweat or at least the closest thing to a cold sweat I can break out into when I’m wrapped up in so many blankets. Blanket sweats are a real thing. I just need to hit this little button or I could just not and tell her nevermind it’s nothing. I don’t think she’d totally believe that though it’s like she was right there when I broke down so she knows something is up with me. Maybe she’d believe that it was an anxiety thing? She’s seen me have major attacks and boy did I ever have an attack during that whole thing. Maybe if I just-
I hit the stupid button before I could talk myself out of it.
I let out the breath that I’d been holding. Good job with the regular breathing on that one. And I felt as the tension in my chest dropped off a fucking cliff. It was out there. I was still stressed as all hell but…
I did it.
> Danny: *hugs*
> Danny: Thank you for telling me...
> Danny: I’ll always support you, you know?
> Danny: Laura too. That’s what friends are for, you know?
I smiled. And Cried. My emotions were a war between anxiety and self-hate and dysphoric depression right now. And now, happy-crying. Full Ugly-sobbing in my blanket, trying to wrap it tight enough around myself that it felt like a hug.
> Danny: Right. What pronouns do you want to use?
> Bee: I think I might be a girl...but I’m not sure
> Bee: She or They? IDK
> Bee: Don’t really feel like I have ownership to “she”
> Danny: We can work it out together, okay?
I nodded.
> Bee: *nods*
> Danny: Would you like me or Laura to head over there? We can talk or hang out or just whatever?
> Bee: I *really* don’t think I’m up for people right now
> Bee: How about we all talk in ROL:E tomorrow night?
> Bee: I think I need 24H, but it’s...easier. In there
> Danny: Gotcha. I’ll let Laura know.
> Danny: Anything else?
I thought good and hard on that one. Did I need anything else? Almost certainly. I was a fucking mess and there was no getting out of the hole I was in without help.
Right now though?
> Bee: Thanks...
Awww poor mc, dysphoria is the worst and I imagine it would be bad if you could alleviate all of it at once for a while
What a trip on the emotional rollercoaster. Painfull. Tearjerking. But also oh so damn good! Thank you so much for writing this story!
They...she? They…
A deep breath.
I had a hell of a thing to wrap my head around.
It's taken me a few re-reads to notice, but I love how the narrative perspective shifts to represent dissasociation up until the MC starts to recognize herself.