I woke up with my alarm...and slammed that snooze button. Fifteen minutes later I was more receptive to its message, if not its tone, and crawled my way out of bed.

Today was going to be a big day!

I made my way to the shower, got clean and all shaved up, then headed for the closet.

My eyes roamed over my options. They lingered on a certain piece of fabric, soft and light, and I had to stop myself from holding my breath. Did I want to wear it? Yes. Absolutely!

Did I feel ready to wear it outside?

No. I didn’t.

I reminded myself that that was okay. I was allowed to take the time I needed to get comfortable with myself and it didn’t make me any less.

Instead I went with a pair of pants, not quite jeans but denim-adjacent, the fabric not quite as heavy and softer on my skin...and also quite a bit tighter than I was used to. The last time I wore these they were looser around my hips. The thought sent butterflies up my stomach and I couldn’t help but smile at the feeling. Next went my top, cream blue on the outside which faded into violet nearer to the center, buttons carefully done up on the left. I’m pretty sure I was wearing this top when I first felt a top all scratchy against my chest. That was an awkward day.

Then came the hair. It was a mess. I still hadn’t quite figured out how to handle it when it was longer...well, that’s not totally fair. It’s not like I did anything to it when it was short in the first place. I just let it lay how it would.

Anyway, it was in dire need of brushing right now. Then maybe some leave-in conditioner to stop it from fizzing out. I returned to my bathroom to deal with what needed to be done. While in there I eyed the beginnings of my cosmetic collection as well. I idly fingered the tubes and brushes, but decided that I wasn’t quite ready for this, in public either.

Well, mostly.

I picked up one glass jar, gave it a good shake, and painted fine coal-black brush strokes onto the tips of my fingers. I smiled at my handiwork. Waiting for it to dry would make me a little late, a thought which sent a bolt of anxiety all of its own through my spine, but it was worth it. And, I reminded myself, my friends would understand.

After my nails were dry enough to do it, I finished getting ready by slipping into my shoes. I hadn’t replaced them, after all good runners were good runners, but I had swapped out the laces for different ones. Blue on one side. Pink on the other.

I went to put my keys into my pocket, only to remember that I didn’t have any. I grinned again as a sheepishly reached for my bag, a messenger bag that I was using as a handbag, until I had a chance to get something smaller. Then out the door I went.

I was still a bit nervous about getting on the train, but no one paid me a second look, and soon enough I was at my destination.

Danny, dressed fancy butch regalia with collared shirt and nice looking pants. Laura in business-casual. She had a class later this afternoon that she’d be heading to after this.

I took care to modulate my voice and, more quietly than I had intended, called out with a wave.

Soon enough we were drinking tea and coffee and those awful energy drinks that Laura liked, and I was smiling and meaning it in a way that was still novel to me.

For the first time in a long, long time, I felt good. And I got really quiet about that, the emotions running over me, all good emotions mind you! But enough that I must have teared up a bit because I had my friends asking what was wrong with concerned looks on their faces and my vision was just a bit blurry.

So I sniffled a bit and grabbed a napkin to clean up the tears and told them that I was fine. Better than fine in fact. I was happy.

I got quiet again after that. Stuck in my own head like I’m wont to do. I hadn’t planned it but, well, here I was.

“Hey,” I said, solemn in the non-grim way. This wasn’t a sad thing, but it was a serious one. “Thanks for calling me Tessa for a while. Then Terra when I decided I needed to separate online and off a little better...but I don’t think I need those names any more.”

Danny and Laura listened quietly. Intently. I wasn’t good with the body language stuff, but even I could tell it. Everything about them said that they were paying all of their attention on me. 

I took in a big breath.

And let it out.

And did that two more times.

“I’d like to be Tabitha now. Please.”

I couldn’t help but look away, my gaze tracing my fingers as they followed the rim of my cup. For a moment longer my friends were silent. Probably processing what I’d just said? Definitely, I told the mean part of my brain sternly, not thinking about ditching me and never talking to me again.

“Tabitha.” I looked up and they were both smiling at me. “It’s nice to finally meet the real you,” Danny continued.

“Tabitha’s such a cute name. Oh! Could I call you Tabby?” I nodded to Laura.

My voice decided that now was a good time to stop working. Frankly it was a minor miracle I got through the name thing before it happened. So I just smiled, probably cried more, and hugged my friends.

I still had a long way to go. But it felt like I’d get there. I just needed to keep going.