Chapter 25

“Not a monster?” I croaked.

The voice inside of my head had become raspy and strained as the weight of maintaining my own sanity took its toll on my ability to communicate.  There was a desire going wild inside of my head, and it was taking everything I had not to give in to that urge.

It wasn’t that I wanted to hurt or kill anybody, that was too specific. What I wanted was to give in to my basic instincts, turn my brain off and run wild until all of the pain and confusion went away.  I didn’t know what to do, I didn't know where to go and things would never go back to the way they were.  There were no answers and there was no fixing this.

So, if nothing could be fixed; then what was the harm in breaking everything? And yet despite the way I looked, despite the way I felt, this spider had the audacity to say that I wasn’t a monster?

“No, Young Master, you are not a monster. And you never will be, as long as you are holding onto something.  A monster is defined, not by their appearance, but by their actions.  In your heart I can feel rage, sadness, pain and regret but…I can also feel your warmth, your kindness, and your love.  Don’t give in to the pain in your heart for if you do- then and only then will you become a monster.”

“Guha…hahahaha! How…how the hell would you ever know what I’m feeling!  How would you ever know what it’s like to lose everything!  You’re just a stupid spider…it’s…it’s your fault I’m like this!  You and those bugs! I’ll kill you…i’ll kill all of you!”

When I said that I let loose a scream that shattered the remains of the lobby windows, as well as the previously flawless mirror.

“LOVE!? KINDNESS!? Keep that shit to yourself! I’ve never had any of it since the day I was born to a cracked out whore that pissed her life away on drugs and booze! It’s her own damned fault she’s dying but I’m still the one who has to suffer and spend my life trying to build back up everything she lost!” I yelled, venting all of the years of pent up frustration and rage at this spider who had the audacity to try and lecture me on how I felt.

But I wasn’t finished “And even when I knew it was bad for her, even when I knew it would probably kill her, I still just had to try and be a good son.  ”Oh no mom, don’t worry about the fact that there’s no food in the fridge and I’ve been eating bricks of ramen for dinner every evening this week, I know you need the money for bills“ just for me to walk in on her barely conscious with a needle sticking out of her arm! Guess there’s no need to wonder where all of the food money went! “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine by myself for the night, go have fun with your friends!” just for her to come back a few hours later drunk with some guy I’ve never seen before!“

I paused for a moment, hunched over and let out another scream.  I was seriously losing my mind and yet I felt liberated as I spat out all of the poison that had been building up within me for all of this time.

“No friends at school, no other adults I could ask for help and no way of getting her to fix herself. I had no one, I had nothing and now I can’t even call myself a human being anymore!  All I can feel is hate!  I hate you, I hate her, I hate everything! I just want it all to go away!  Burn away!”

I fell over onto my hands and knees and let out a final scream, this one louder than either of the other two.  Loud enough to shake the entire building above me.  The sound of windows shattering on the upper floors could be heard.

I’d felt this way for years, but before my transformation I hadn’t had the right words to express it.  But now my way of thinking has changed.  I hadn’t necessarily become smarter, after all I was still young and inexperienced, but my mind was focused enough now to make the best use of everything that I did know.

And right now I knew that I was a monster.  It just hadn’t hit me until I realized that my appearance matched what was inside of me.  I was just like that Tarantula that had rampaged into the hospital and took so much pleasure in hurting others.

As I thought that, I looked up at the spider, something like a grin now splitting my features.  If I was so similar to that Tarantula, then maybe I’d be able to be happy hurting…and killing things as well.

Slowly, I rose back up to my feet and started shuffling towards the spider, my leer getting bigger all the while.  I wanted to feel good again.  It had been soooo long since I was the one who got to feel happy. I laughed out loud when i realized-I couldn’t remember when the last time I had been happy was.  Years ago, when I was a baby, maybe.

I was standing in front of the spider who, to its credit, hadn’t moved yet.  I had expected him to try and run since he surely knew what was going through my head, yet he simply stood there stock still, staring up at me.

Did he think I wouldn’t do it?  For a moment I grew irritated with the spider, but that feeling quickly faded away as I thought of the different ways I might be able to hurt the spider.

“Should I tear its legs off one by one? Or maybe I should poke those annoying little eyes out first?  Or maybe I should just get it over with quickly and rip your head off…hehe!”

I reached out and scooped the spider up in my arms.  I was surprised by how light he was, I had expected him to weigh well over 100 pounds and yet to me he was as light as a feather.  With one hand I held him up and with the other I grabbed onto one of his legs, deciding to rip him limb from limb first. Still the spider did not struggle, but merely stared reproachfully at me with his eight eyes, as if he were daring me to do it.

“You think I won’t do it? Don’t bet on it, hehe! If I were you I’d be trying to run away now.” I thought, squeezing a bit on the leg I was holding.

The spider didn’t reply, but simply kept staring at me.

“Well? Say something!  You should be begging me not to hurt you!  Maybe if you do it enough I’ll end it quickly…”

Still no response.

Growing angry, I said “What’s with you?! Do you still think there’s love and kindness inside of me? Huh!?  You think those empty words will keep me from killing you?!”

Still no response.

Finally I screamed “Say something dammit! Say something or else I’ll really do it! I mean it!”

The little spider cocked his head and connected his mind to mine.  And through our connection I could feel not just his words, but his emotions as well.  I smiled gloatingly for a moment, as I was expecting to feel the spiders fear.  But instead something else came through.  I almost stumbled as it washed over me, more powerful than a tidal wave.  I couldn’t comprehend it.  Up until now I was certain that I would never be the recipient of this particular feeling, let alone of this much of it.

And yet I stood there, being bathed in wave upon wave of this spiders unending, uncompromising and unlimited love for me.  It would never leave my side, even as I threatened it with death, torment and all other manner of evil.  It would never stand against me, even if I decided to drown the world in my hatred and misery.  It would never hate me, even if I pulled off its legs and plucked out its eyes.

For its love was unconditional.

At Last, the spider spoke.  And what he said I wouldn’t forget until the day I died.

“My dearest Master, if you wish for me to die then I would gladly face my end a million times.  If you wish for me to feel pain then I will happily crawl through fire and glass.  If you wish for this world to feel the anguish that you have felt then I would assist you in any sacrilegious acts that your mind could think up.  My one and only desire is for you to be happy, and for your happiness I will stand by you, even as you kill me, because I know that it would show you the truth.”

“Wha-What truth?” I said, frightened by such genuine heartfelt emotion.

“That you are not a monster.  Killing will not bring you joy, your heart is too pure for that, but right now you are hurting and in your pain you feel the need to lash out. If my death can you bring that realization then I have no qualms with it.”

The spider stopped speaking and simply sat in my hand, awaiting my decision.  Though the waves of love continued, he seemed content.

I, on the other hand, was warring internally.  On one side the mad half of my brain was still screaming at me to kill, maim, tear, shred and mutilate everyone and everything before me.

“The world trampled on you when you were weak, now take your revenge!  That bitch stole away the happy life you could have had!  The village turned you away, now burn it down and bask in it’s warmth”

But on the other side my moral compass was agreeing with the spider.  

“No amount of rampaging will give you the life you wanted.  It’s been difficult up until now, but with your new powers you can reach out and grab a better life with your own two hands!  You can be the architect of your own fate!”

I didn’t know what to do, it was like the little devil and the little angel on my shoulder were screaming in my ears.  So I looked at the spider, and finally found my answer.

I looked into his eyes and saw the same warmth as earlier, only now it was tinged with worry.  Not for himself, but for me.  Worry that I was in pain, and the desire to take my pain away.  For a moment I imagined myself hurting the spider again, but unlike before the idea brought me no happiness.

In fact, it made me sick to my stomach.  How could I ever dream of hurting someone who cared this deeply about me when no one else did?  Here was the first creature in my life that I was certain loved me for more than the welfare checks I was worth, and I had actually considered torturing and killing them?

“I really must be a monster…” I thought, now sadly. 

I released the spider, gently lowering him back onto the ground, and then walked over to the corner of the bathroom.  There I sat with my head between my knees.  I didn’t cry, I simply let the shame and regret I was now feeling well up inside.  After a while the spider approached me and nestled itself next to me, waiting for when I was ready to talk.

When my mood improved enough for me to talk I said “I’m sorry…”

“It’s ok.” was all the spider replied.

The two of us would wind up sitting there for quite a while, as I had a lot that I needed to think about.  My thoughts, my emotions and my new body, as well as what my relationship with this spider would wind up being.  After a few days I was able to open myself up to the spider though and with his help I was slowly drawn out of the shell that I had made around myself.

From him I learned many things about my new form and all of the awesome powers within it.  Though I also learned about the curse that kept us in this fog.

I gave that spider a name, Fang, and with Fang I was finally able to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.  I wish the two of us had spent more time together in that room, laughing and learning about one another's lives.  But eventually something forced us out, an enemy more powerful than even the Tarantula had been.

Hunger.