
In other news, MsBlackAndBlue is about to launch a kickstarter -- tomorrow, in fact! The Malison Hotel, like Well Wishes, is a light horror/mystery with a trans protagonist and a pinch of the supernatural. The book features a largely queer cast including both a trans woman protagonist and a lesbian polycule. MsBlackAndBlue, or Sonia Rippenkroeger, is the crafty author, Claudia Cangini the diligent artist, and Kasper Swain the exceedingly clever letterer. It'd mean a lot to us if you could take a look, I absolutely love what MsBlackAndBlue has shown me thus far, and I'm sure you guys will, too.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/sonia-rippenkroeger/the-malison-hotel
Thanks again for all of your patience. And as always, thank you for the read!
After the graduation ceremony, Sophie exited the gymnasium through a side entrance while her parents left to grab the car. Chloe was still catching up with her softball team, and Natalie was talking with her parents and several faculty members, leaving Sophie some much-needed peace and quiet to relax within the gentle drift of late-spring breeze. Rays of sun warmed the robe she was in the process of unzipping, providing a release of the heat pent up inside during the course of the extremely long graduation.
Just as promised, she’d been called up with the right name, and had faced nothing but the same applause and smiling faces as everyone else had. She’d gotten everything she’d wished for, at the end of it all.
Still, though, she swallowed against a small lump in her throat. High school was over. College on the horizon. Nothing but opportunity and a chance to define herself from the start with a brand new group of people and potential friends. But… there was something missing. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. As she leaned against a red truck parked nearby, the chirping of the birds overhead nearly took her mind off the subject of why this sight was familiar to her.
Nearly.
It was the same exit she’d used during the Winter Formal so many months previous. Turning her head slightly, she could pin down where, exactly, the Heathers had caught up to her at the side of the parking lot.
They looked happy now. Something about that was unsatisfying. Shouldn’t they have to earn the right to be happy after all the pain they had caused? Of course, watching the intense bullying they’d faced in the last few months hadn’t exactly felt good. With their power taken away, seeing them punished day after day had felt cruel. Then was it best to let them move on with their lives and hope they learned to be better people? That didn’t feel quite right, either. Answers evaded her, but at least she could take comfort in the fact that she wouldn’t be seeing them daily anymore and therefore wouldn’t have to think about them nearly as much.
The clamor of the doors opening to her right briefly paused such introspection. A gaggle of people young and senior exited the building and began making their way to their cars. One or two girls in the group waved to Sophie, wishing her luck at college in a few months, a sentiment she returned. Pulling a stray strand of hair back behind her ear, she forced herself to appreciate the warmth the sun was lending on her back instead of focusing so much on negative thoughts.
“If you guys are gonna take so long, I’m heading out to the car. And we’re definitely getting that sundae you promised, Heather,” Heather M. called as the door bounded open again, revealing the shortened blonde in a hurry to escape the confines of a school she’d once dubbed her “kingdom”.
She was so absorbed in whatever occupied her phone’s screen that she nearly passed Sophie without noticing her.
“Hey, Heather,” Sophie quietly called to the girl ten feet from her. Despite the fact that their one-sided “friendship” was long ended, she suddenly found herself silently obsessing over each and every little insecurity and wondering if her appearance met with Heather M.’s approval.
Heather looked up from her phone and locked eyes with Sophie, her former pawn, gopher, mark, and…
“Hey, Sophie,” she replied. Her phone slid into a pocket in the bottom half of her dress.
“Nice graduation ceremony, huh?” Sophie said, her throat threatening to close up at any moment. It’d taken a long time for the anger she had held so tightly for Heather McGill to leave. So much work trying to remind herself that Heather wasn’t some monster, that while she was the girl who had manipulated, tormented, and violated her, she wasn’t only that girl. She had friends, she had a family, she had a boyfriend—at least, Sophie thought she was still dating Tyler although she couldn’t recall when she had last seen them together—and she could be so much more than a high school bully. But that anger was born from scars left deep in her psyche. Despite the near foot height advantage she had on Heather, those scars left her with a visceral anxiety at the sight of the girl which threatened to revive that anger.
Heather pulled some strands of hair out of her face and nodded. “I mean, I guess. If stuffy ceremonies with self-congratulatory trophies are your thing.”
That was a surprisingly reserved answer from the opinionated girl. Maybe she was uncomfortable seeing Sophie, too.
Sophie shook her head. “Not really. Any plans for school?”
It was Heather’s turn to shake her head. “No. Maybe community college somewhere. Not here, though. Probably the big city. But that’s a later sort of problem.”
Sophie’s skin bristled, though she tried not to let it show. Was there a chance Heather would follow her to Minneapolis? She’d worked so hard to put all this behind her, only for Heather’s continued presence to lurk over her shoulder in the future? No, absolutely not. She wasn’t allowed to follow Sophie. Sophie deserved to get away from—
That was when Sophie realized what was missing. Why she still felt unsatisfied with Heather moving on and being happy, and why she couldn’t move on herself.
“Did you ever apologize to anyone?” Sophie asked, letting all pretense she’d kept up previously drop.
Heather appeared caught off-guard. “Did I ever apologize?” she repeated.
“For what you did to everyone.” Sophie narrowed her eyes. In a flash the anxiety seemed to vanish. This was the confrontation she had been afraid to have, but now that she was in the midst of it she realized that she hadn’t been afraid of Heather. She had been afraid for everyone Heather would meet in her life.
A distinct air of discomfort began to grow around Heather’s expression. “Come on, everyone had their chance at payback.”
“It’s not about payback,” Sophie insisted.
Heather frowned. “Then what? You can’t think they’d forgive me after—”
“It’s not about forgiveness either,” Sophie interrupted. “It’s about acknowledging the pain you caused. To Natalie, to Chloe, to all the other students and faculty. Even to Heather S. and Belladonna.” She waited a beat. “To me.”
“Pain?” Heather looked legitimately caught off-guard by Sophie’s statement. “I mean, yeah. I get it. I let the power go to my head, and I did some things I shouldn’t have done.”
“A lot of things you shouldn’t have done, Heather,” Sophie interjected.
Heather rolled her eyes, but nodded regardless. “Okay. I did a lot of bad shit. I know it. Everyone knows it.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “But what about the last four months where every single day I’d either have pins in my seats, people throwing their lunches at me, detention for the smallest possible offense? And that’s only naming a few! I’ve ended up with red paint all over the back of my pants at least once a week for months.”
“I said it’s not about payback, Heather!” Sophie said, her voice rising. Heather wasn’t getting it, and Sophie could feel her throat tensing as her anger grew. Of course she wouldn’t understand--
“I know it’s not!” Heather roared back, her blonde hair blowing in the breeze as her eyes were beginning to turn red. “I… I know, okay? But how am I supposed to approach all of these people? They’ve hurt me, too. Do you even know what it’d be like to have to confront them after all of this?”
Just like that, Sophie could feel the once-intense burning anger that had been building higher and higher freeze solid. She crossed her arms and sighed. “Yes. I do.”
Heather’s furious expression paused, and faded away with the color in her cheeks. Another group of people exited the gymnasium, all fellow Seniors. Their presence seemed to mandate a momentary silence between the two rivals, if even for a moment. The passing group of now former-classmates were quiet, too, as they slipped through the tension-filled air between Sophie and Heather.
They knew what this was. Or approximately, at least. And judging by the way they kept their silence until they were out of earshot, Sophie gathered, they wanted no part in it.
Surprisingly or not, Heather was the first to speak again. “How am I supposed to… to apologize to those people? Do I just have to forget everything they’ve already done back?”
“I don’t know, Heather,” Sophie replied. “Maybe they should apologize, too. But this isn’t about what they did. It’s about what you did. You can’t apologize expecting an apology in return.”
Heather huffed and crossed her arms. “That doesn’t sound very fair.”
“Well, the way you treated us wasn’t very fair, either.”
Heather made a frustrated noise. “Why do you care so much, anyway?”
Sophie considered this for a moment. “I guess part of it is that I want to know if any part of you regrets what you did. Not because it all fell apart or because you were punished or your reputation was ruined. I want to know if, even a little, you regret it simply because you hurt other people.”
Heather gave Sophie a look of surprise, but her face quickly softened and she let out a sigh. “I... I guess when you put it that way, yeah. I am sorry. I’m sorry for what I did. To them and you... Sophie.”
Sophie nodded slowly. “I appreciate that.” She inhaled through her nose as she attempted to quiet her thoughts. “But I don’t think I can forgive you. Not yet. It’s a start, though. And I don’t know, I guess it gives me hope that you won’t mistreat any friends you make in the future.”
Heather’s eyes narrowed. “Not exactly a glowing recommendation, but I guess it’s the best I can hope for.”
“Do you think you’ll try to apologize to others?” Sophie asked.
Heather shrugged. “I don’t know. There’s something annoyingly unique about you, Sophie. You can say you don’t forgive me and still make me feel okay about it. I think most people would just scream at me. And while it’d be nice to know what to expect… I don’t know if I can just swallow all the anger I feel right back at them. I don’t know if I can stop myself from making things worse.”
Sophie began to respond, but Heather continued. “But I guess you’ve given me something to think about. I… I’ll try.”
At that moment the door clicked open again and Belladonna stepped out with her arm around Heather S. “There you are, shortstack.”
Heather M. rolled her eyes. “I told you I was waiting out here.”
“Hey, Sophie,” said Heather S.
Belladonna’s attention turned to Sophie, apparently only noticing her now. She gestured towards Heather M. “Is she giving you trouble? I really need to keep a better eye on her.”
Belladonna’s tone was lighthearted, but her expression showed concern.
“It’s fine,” said Sophie.
“As a matter of fact,” Heather M. added, “we had a very nice conversation. It was nice talking to you one more time, Sophie.”
Belladonna and Heather S. looked at each other in surprise, then at Sophie, who just shrugged.
“Now, I think someone said something about a sundae?” Heather M. asked.
The group said their goodbyes and made their way to their car. Driving out of the parking lot and, perhaps, out of Sophie’s life. Sophie remained for a short while longer until Chloe appeared, herself emerging from out of the doorway with a few of her former softball-cohorts. The other girls greeted Sophie as they continued into the parking lot and they parted with the same ‘good luck’ sentiment that Sophie had found herself uttering a lot today. Chloe intertwined her fingers with Sophie’s, and brushed up against her.
“You look lost in your thoughts. Anything bad happen?” she asked.
Sophie took a moment to respond, time that allowed a small smile to bloom. “Nah. Just had one last chat with Heather M.”
Chloe’s eyes widened. “Oh. How did that go?”
“Surprisingly good, actually.” Sophie tugged at Chloe’s arm and pulled her in for a kiss. “Now. Can we please go get changed? I remember a certain promise you made to go camping this weekend, and I wanna get an early start!”
Chloe could only laugh as Sophie pulled her along into the parking lot. “Your grandma isn’t gonna show up unannounced this time, right?”
Sophie could see her parents and grandmother up ahead at the school entrance and returned a wave to them as they saw her. She turned to walk backwards towards her family while facing Chloe with a coy expression.
“Why? Got something romantic planned?”
“I… maybe.” A hint of a blush graced Chloe’s cheeks as she looked away, though her embarrassed smile told Sophie all she needed to know.
Didn't expect to see this today for sure :o
This is an interesting spot to zone back into, but it is nice to at least see Heather make some sort of apology and feel some remorse over what she's done.
I thought the previous chapter was a satisfying conclusion to the story, even if it was really emotionally challenging to read. This provides a very nice additional closure, though, and it's really satisfying in its own right to see Sophie growing as a person. This is the first time she really comes across as assured of herself instead of nervous and tentative. and it paints a nice picture of what her life would be like going forward as she asserts her own agency in her life.
I ? it!
on the one hand, this addition feels somewhat unnecessary because i feel like the people who had such a hard time with the ending aren't likely to come back and read more
on the other hand, kickstarter promotion! hopefully you'll be getting a few more eyes on the campaign from posting here. best of luck to sonia and her team!
Honestly it's less for anyone in particular and more that we came to the conclusion that our work didn't meet our intention, that being Heather M's growth remaining incomplete at the end of the story. I think this is closer to reaching that goal, and is the bookmark we're more pleased with ending things on.
Thanks! The campaign is off to a good start, so I'm feeling pretty optimistic about it.
Finally got around to reading this story all the way through. God damn that was something. Haven't cried in awhile and so many different types. Happiness, sadness, tension, depression, among others. Especially with where I am in my own life and transition at the moment, certain parts of this story hit really hard. The high school stuff doesn't really relate to me anymore but having it so character focused with it merely as a backdrop balanced out well. The whole part of having exactly what you want the most with no way to possibly doubt it, only to have it taken away is torturous enough. To have to be the one who takes it away from yourself is the worst part. There's no anger or blame you can direct outward for that loss, only inward. Even learning and growing past it through your own power and support of others, while such a difficult and taxing journey, you know it will never be quite the same as what you had to give up. It becomes something that will always be inside of you, unforgettable. I wish I couldn't relate to that sort of pain so well.
Truly a maddening web of different intense emotions.
Thanks for writing this and letting me feel all of this once again, wish I got to it earlier. Sorry if my wording is poor, I've been out of the writing critique mindset for a bit.
Yours truly, back again. Local critic -Mira
This story was so emotionally charged
I cried towards the end
I cried several times when I read Ricochet too
You have this way of adding so much emotion to the scenes
I will admit detransition themes tend to steer me away from stories but I'm glad I experienced them.
Poor, poor poor Sophie. To have had a perfect transition, and for it to be taken away and replaced by what contemporary medicine can achieve, is a bitter pill. I'm not sure I would have left her room again.
Honestly, I don't feel all that bad for her about it. It's hard to say how it would've gone if she could've kept her body, and who's to say that after a while it wouldn't give her a sort of imposter syndrome regarding how every one around her reacts to her. This way she knows that her girlfriend loves her for her, not just her body; her family supports her, they don't just completely misremember her entire life. And she can connect to other trans people and understand their experiences in transitioning better this way, rather than a sort of limbo regarding whether or not she fit in
Plus, contemporary medicine is actually really good, even a couple months on hormones starts to get some nice changes going, and after a few years, you really can't tell someone's trans a lot of the time if you don't already know
@ZylaKat Contemporary medicine can get good results for some, but not so much for others. It cannot change bone structure or give you a womb. I agree that re-writing the memories of those around you is scary and wrong, but the sad truth is in many places being trans is just plain dangerous even with a supportive family.
?????
this was really hard to read sometimes (in a good way). Compelling and nervewracking