‘Esia Mirthbrow - Former Captain. Current location - Bexelleaf, Talcoya. As far as I know, she’s been an angry drunk ever since she got there. She used to do really good work for me, so if you can get her drinking water again, I would be thankful. Also, don’t mention anything about Terry the Unseen around her, it’s her trigger word. -Sir Thog Ironside’
This was the preface that was written on Captain Mirthbrow’s file that Sir Thog gave to me.
The contents of the file were extremely impressive.
She was a soldier during Othium’s rapid expansion and almost immediately transferred to the newly formed Military Enforcement Department when the fighting concluded. Upon transfer, she quickly rose to the rank of Captain and was about to be promoted to the rank of Major due to her outstanding service. Despite the drawbacks of her weapon of choice, she was ruthless in combat and a force to be reckoned with.
While her file paints a galant figure, the depressed drunk that awaited me hardly inspires confidence.
While I enjoyed the complex docks of Bexelleaf, so many corners and crannies make plenty of room for less than reputable businesses. Businesses like the one I currently find myself in, a former brothel known as ‘Cherries and Berries’.
The storefront was bland as if it was trying to hide, and the interior could not be considered clean.
When I entered the ‘building’, many of the patrons left as soon as I cleared the doorway, leaving only me, Alice, the bartender, and Captain Mirthbrow. The Captain wasn’t looking this way, and appeared to be asleep.
“Well, I wasn’t expecting royalty… You should have told me, I woulda cleaned the place up a little.”
The bartender gave us a reluctantly welcoming look, clearly unhappy that all his paying customers just left.
Ignoring him, I walk up to the bar where our supposed hire is sleeping and sit down next to her.
“Alice, please wake her up.”
Alice taps the Captain’s shoulder and lightly shakes her.
“Miss Mirthbrow, it’s time to wake up.”
“Alice, I said wake her.”
“... I understand.”
Sighing, Alice created a barrier in the shape of a construction hammer…
*CLANG*
…and nailed the Captain’s head.
“OWWW!”
The Captain jolted from her seat and waved her arm around while holding her head with the other.
“WHAT WAS THAT FOR YOU SHITTY EXCUSE OF A BARTENDER?!”
“That wasn’t me ya delusional drunk.”
The bartender pointed in my direction.
“Wah? WHO THE HELL DO YOU think you… are…”
The Captain began to yell at me but quickly lost the nerve as her eyes settled on the crest carved into the gem in my eye-catching necklace.
“I-I apologize for my rude-“
The Captain quickly tries to stammer out an apology, the fear palpable on her face, but I interrupt her.
“I am the first daughter of His Majesty Alphonsins Ernis Hemadra and third in line to the throne, Rola Eylna Hemadra.”
The Captain’s despairing expression grows deeper as she hears my name. While I may not be the rightful heir and have no intention of taking the throne, tales of my ‘strict punishments’ have spread far and wide across the empire. My name does not command respect, it demands fear.
I gesture to the elf opposite of me.
“This is my one and only surviving servant, Alice Rosemary.”
In the same whispers of my ‘punishments’, words of pity and respect surround Alice’s name. Having been my first servant and surviving for so long when no one else can implies almost unrivalled competence. Many people attribute her survival to the fact that she’s an elf, and must have lived for decades or perhaps centuries. While I don’t know Alice’s age, I can only assume she is long lived.
“And we have come a long way to have a very important discussion with you.”
Faced with a royal famous for the butchuring of her own servants, the Captain’s look of horror falls into one of resignation.
“Nunas has shit in my dinner once again.”
One shouldn’t curse the True God under their breath, his children might get mad.
“If the Princess herself wishes to have a conversation with me, then I have no choice but to comply. BARKEEP! Would you be so kind as to give me a room so I can at least die in private?”
This one is quite rude isn’t she?
“...Sure. First room on the left upstairs.”
The Bartender pulls a key from under the counter and as he hands it to the Captain he quietly whispers something in her ear.
“Don’t even try to get out of paying your tab by dying. Death doesn’t dissolve debt.”
“Tch.”
Why did the Captain click her tongue like her plan was just foiled?
I had made it to the end of the docks. That in and of itself doesn’t sound like a challenge, especially when you asked for directions, but the complex structure of the docks made navigating a nightmare for anyone unfamiliar with the territory. It’s the same feeling as mapping out that train circuit. God I hate trains.
Anyways, I was here now, and all I had to do was find a ship that looked broken and fix it, so I began walking up and down the docks looking for the lucky person who was getting their ship fixed for almost free.
There was just one problem -I’ve been running into a lot of these if you think about it- there were like a hundred ships here and I have no idea how to find the one I’m looking for. I mean, it’s a broken ship right? How hard can it be to find? Let me fucking tell you.
The problem I’m trying to fix isn’t something you can spot easily, its an internal problem. Like, have you ever tried picking out an alzheimer's patient in a room full of old people? THAT’S THE PROBLEM I’M DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW!
I had been looking through ships all morning, asking anybody I could if they knew of a ship with inner-circuitry problems, and they ALL looked at me with a condesending expression, saying things like “Why’s a fucking brat like you asking this? Are ya the assistant of the Magic Engineer?” This is fucking discrimination against children!
After what felt like hours of asking, and wandering, and getting cursed at by hungover sailors, I finally found what I was looking for, I desperately hope.
Near the end of the docks, there was a ship that was more… still? Yeah, still-er than the rest of them. The ships themselves weren’t moving its just that no one was moving around it. On all the other ships I saw, there were people moving boxes, pushing people overboard, getting drunk, and just doing things. This ship didn’t have any of that. No one was moving, rather, I didn’t think anyone was there. It was just an empty looking ship tied to the docks.
I walked up next to the ship and took a deep breath.
“HELLO? IS ANYONE ON THIS PILE OF CRAP?”
“—— - ——- — —— ———- ——- —-”
I heard an unintelligible shout come from below the deck of the ship.
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
“—- —-said SHE AIN’T A PIECE OF CRAP YA SHIT SQUIRREL!”
A HUGE man burst out from below deck and jumped onto the deck of the ship. The man was easily seven and a half feet tall. His skin was lightly tinted green and his muscles were clearly outlined even under his heavy leather coat. His face was just as muscular with a single jagged tooth spilling out of his mouth.
He leapt off the ship and landed in front of me, the docks below him slightly crunching. He stood up and towered over me while looking down with a dangerous glint in his yellow eyes.
Needless to say, with my four foot stature, I was just a little intimidated.
“Do you need something Squirrel?”
Is that my new nickname? The Griffin would have a field day with that.
“I-uh, I heard that a ship need some repairs…”
“Yeah that's my ship, and why do you care if my ship is having problems?”
“Good, I’m here to fix them in exchange for passage to Isera.”
The large green man tilted his head back and scoffed.
“You are gonna fix my ship? Not a chance. I don’t need a baby squirrel breaking my ship. I have a professional coming to look at it in a few days, so piss off.”
But I AM a professional!
He turned around to leave and walk back up to on his shit ship, but I ran in front of him and cut him off.
“HEY! I know for a fact that I can fix something as simple as a ship! Hell I’ll do it for free as long as you take me to Isera!”
“Is something wrong with your ears you fucking squirrel? I said PISS OFF!”
The brute tried to grab me but I stepped backwards and towards his ship.
“NO! I can fix your ship!”
“Bullshit you can!”
“Can too! Look, I’ll prove it!”
I run over to where the huge brute crushed the docks and pull up a loose, small, half-broken plank and quickly run back in front of the man before he can escape my sales pitch. I pulled out a small ink pen I stole from the Griffin and drew a simple circuit on the plank. When it was done, I pulled out a crystal and powered it. The circuit lit up and displayed the message ‘I know what I’m doing’ in flashing colors.
The brute crossed his arms and gave me the stink eye.
“So your Daddy taught you a few tricks, so what? That doesn’t mean you can fix a ship, and I can’t afford to take a chance on my ship. So do me a favor and leave.”
“At least give me a chance!”
This is actually bullshit. I understand where he’s coming from but I can fix that shitty ship I swear! I bet the only reason he’s not letting me help him is because I’m only nine years old, WHAT FUCKING AGEISM!
As I was about to yell at this man, I saw someone behind him I really didn’t want to see.
“Good sailor, why don’t we give this poor girl a chance, I’m quite interested in whether or not she can actually do it.”
“Huh? Why should I? And who are you to tell me how to fix my ship…”
The brute turned around to speak to the newcomer only to stare at the smiling elf-maid before him. The same elf I saw with the Princess earlier this morning.
“Don’t worry, the State shall pay for any damages she may cause to your fine ship while proving herself.”
The elf held up a small pouch that gave a heavy jingle when she shook it. The sailor reached his hand out and the elf gave him the pouch.
“...alright, I’ll let her fix my ship. Don’t break anything ya’ hear?”
...God dammit Caboose.
When I learned that Miss Mirthbrow was hiding away in Bexelleaf, I was a little excited. The Bexelleaf docks are a famous tourist spot often talked about in my homeland of Isera. A whole town built next to land instead of on it, how could you not be interested? Unfortunately, the town was under siege when I arrived on Azor, so I was forced to immigrate through a different port.
I’m happy to see that the town was able to rebuild what was destroyed in the battle, but it doesn’t matter if the Princess won’t let me see any of it.
I was currently sitting outside the first room on the left on the second floor of a backwater establishment listening to muffled crying and whimpering being drowned out by shouts and threats of violence.
Not the way I wanted to spend the closest thing I’ll get to a vacation in years.
After the Princess informed Miss Mirthbrow of who we were, she took us upstairs and into a private room. The Princess told me to wait outside while she “makes sure that this Captain is all she’s cracked up to be”. I’ve been waiting for about ten minutes and the shouting has yet to descend even a decibel. I can’t help but feel sorry for Miss Mirthbrow, but I also want to see the sights this town has to offer. I really didn’t get to see much on my way over here.
…
…
…
I’m growing rather bored, and the Princess’s threats have become tiring to listen to… why don’t I go for a walk? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. I deserve a vacation anyways. But I need to frame it like I’m doing something productive, or else the Princess will get mad. Well, madder than she is right now.
I shudder at the brief thought. I still had the scar from when she misplaced her necklace. Honestly, she cares for that thing too much.
I stand up from a chair I took from one of the empty rooms and open the door while poking my head through.
“-LOOK AT YOURSELF YOU DISGUSTING SLOB! YOU’VE DONE NOTHING BUT DRINK FOR THE PAST NINE YEARS AND YOU STILL CALL YOURSELF A VALKYRIE?! AS IF- oh Alice, what is it? Can’t you see I’m busy here?”
Miss Mirthbrow was curled up in a corner with tears running down her face and the Princess was standing over her with all ten of her daggers drawn.
And she says she doesn’t mount people’s heads.
“Mistress, I have grown rather hungry and have decided to go and get something to eat, would either of you like anything?”
“I’ll- *SNIFF* I’ll have the strongest *SNIFF* drink you can-”
“QUIET YOU DRUNK! You know what I like Alice, so I’ll trust you. The Drunk will have water.”
“Then I’ll be on my way.”
As soon as I close the door, the shouting starts again.
...I think I’ll get Miss Mirthbrow some sweets as well as water.
I say goodbye to the bartender and walk out onto the docks.
Ah, what a beautiful day.
I spend the next hour or so walking around the docks and trying out various bits of food that look interesting. I had some roasted squid with Talco berries, a little buttered crab with Talco berries, and a small slice of Talco berry pie.
I don’t really understand what it is about Azor and Talco berries, but they’re everywhere I go. No wonder Miss Mirthbrow was such a drunk, even the fruit is alcoholic.
There are a few bards out playing for what little coin such a profession brings in, but they were still enjoyable. Although many of the songs portrayed a less than favorable view of the Empire… oh well, public relations isn’t my job so I won’t be bothered by it.
After a while of walking, I find myself at the shipyard.
I know it’s a port, but there are so many ships. It reminds me of when I first came to Azor, the worst mistake of my life. At least I’m better at defending myself then I was when I came here…
As I was reminiscing of the first time I saw the Princess, I realize that I had been out well over an hour and I had yet to do what I had promised.
The blood drains from my face at this revelation.
Oh no, oooooh no. This is bad, this is very, very bad.
If all her screaming was anything to go by, the Princess was rather disappointed by Miss MIrthbrow, and me taking my time to bring her food will only make her angrier…
What should I do? At this rate I’ll lose my head! It’ll be the gallows for sure! That crazy Princess will mount my head on her bedpost and use it as target practice! I’ll be minced up and feed to the dogs! My family will get a letter telling them how much of a failure I was instead of a gift basket! Should I run away now? But where would I go? I can’t go back to Isera after-
“HELLO? IS ANYONE ON THIS PILE OF CRAP?”
A stray shout pulls me out of my depressed thoughts and turns my attention towards a small pink haired girl carrying what seems like five people’s worth of luggage.
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
The young girl was standing in front of an empty ship, devoid of people.
She’s rather loud isn’t she?
“—- —-—- ain’t a piece of crap ya shit squirrel!”
A few seconds later, a large Orc crawled out of the ship and jumped onto the deck. He shouted too, but somehow the little girl with a much smaller lung capacity was louder.
The following scene was a little baffling to me. The little girl insisted that she could fix the Orc’s ship if he took her to Isera. The Orc, and I, didn’t believe her. Could you blame us? She looked no older than eight years old yet she was confidently declaring she could perform maintenance on the internals of a ship, something that takes years of study to be able to do.
I myself tried my hand at crafting and repairing magic circuits only to be met with failure. I just couldn’t understand it. Looking at all those circles and lines only gave me headaches as I failed to get them to move as I wanted. It’s like controlling the flow of someone else’s magic - inherently foreign, finicky, and confusing.
So imagine my surprise when the little girl grabs a loose piece of wood and writes a lively, colorful, and functional circuit in about thirty seconds.
I look away, then look back. The circuit is still there and still functioning. I couldn’t believe it. It would take some of the engineers employed at the castle a full day to make something like that and this little girl did it in less than a minute!
If- If this girl is as good as she says… then maybe she’ll be of use to the Princess and then maybe she won’t kill me! It’s a stretch, but the Princess is always looking for talented people and if I bring her one then she’ll totally forget that I was an hour late!
“At least give me a chance!”
After being written off by the Orc, the little girl cries out at the unfairness of her situation. Honestly if she was a little bit older, then the Orc would probably take her up on her offer. Luckily for me her I’m here to scout her to save my skin.
“Good sailor, why don’t we give this poor girl a chance, I’m quite interested in whether or not she can actually do it.”
I pull out one of many pouches of coin and present it to the Orc. The Orc looks at me for a few seconds, not moving. Perhaps he’s still worried about his ship being damaged?
“Don’t worry, the State shall pay for any damages she may cause to your fine ship while proving herself.”
At my passing remark of insurance, the Orc quickly takes up the offer. Palming the pouch long after he takes it.
“...alright, I’ll let her fix my ship. Don’t break anything ya’ hear?”
I turn my gaze back to the pink haired girl. She looked anxious and her eyes were swimming around as if trying to find a way out.
You won’t escape little girl, you’re going to be my scapegoat. Now fix that ship.
Like a prisoner on death row, the girl followed the Orc onto the ship and below deck.
This might take a while, I should probably go and get the food I promised the Princess.
