Petra was surprised when she got home. She had just gotten back from work yet it felt like she’d just woken up. She turned and clicked the lock in place and paused in front of her door.
She ran through the motions of day. It wasn’t that there was nothing there, Petra knew she went to work, and she knew that she did something, but it was like looking through a series of dusty funhouse mirrors.
Her mind jumped at a moment that shone through with greater clarity than the rest. Sometime shortly after lunch, at least she thinks it was lunch, one of her co-workers, E-something, Erin maybe? Well she said Petra was cute today. Which made her incredibly happy. She didn’t think she was even trying to look cute. Her outfit certainly wasn’t helping.
As for the rest of the day, nothing. And now that she’s thinking about it, she’s not even sure how she got to work. Last night she was looking through Lucas’ things trying to dig up anything about who he was. One of the notable things she failed to find was exactly where he, and Petra supposed, now her, worked.
There was a work email on her phone, but it hadn’t been logged in for such a long time that the password needed to be re-entered. As much as Petra tried she could not figure out what the password was. She had found other passwords scattered through pages of a small notebook and she even remembered a few herself which surprised her. The work email however eluded her. To make matters worse the email didn’t even have a company tag at the end she could search up. The only reason she knew it was for work at all was because the profile picture was a much more professional headshot than the personal emails.
It was weird staring at a picture of what she used to look like. She knows that’s not what she looks like anymore, but she hasn’t been able to really explore what all is different from before. Not that she remembers much anyway. What memories do linger are still heavily obscured and are more abstract concepts than the vivid picture like memories of the weekend. Being at the park with Agatha, coffee with Maria, that creep she bit.
As she dumped her bag on the couch she rinses out the dried blood that had clung to her bottle throughout the day. While washing she felt her arms and shoulders were stiff and sore to move and even worse her chest felt like it was on fire.
She slid her shirt up and exposed the tape that was bound tightly to her body. She traced her finger nail along the seam searching for the end, picking and scratching at the sweat drenched tape. Her nail eventually found a hold slightly below her right breast and she dug underneath just enough to get a tight pinch on it. The tape slowly and uncomfortably uncoiled, gathering at her feet as it became unstuck.
Petra allowed herself a long deep breath once the tape was clear. Her body free and unrestricted she swayed and stretched her body out against the wall then fell and did the same on the floor.
The wood laminate was cold but in a soothing way that felt comfortable. Why couldn’t she remember the day? There was something strange going on with her memories or her mood or something. Like someone took an axe to her brain and split sections of it off. They had to still be there jostling around, but for some reason they were just beyond her reach. The craziest part was Petra wasn’t even sure if she wanted access to any of them.
She felt too new, too separate from whoever Lucas was. She looked down at her clothes— gross old jeans and a sky blue polo. Petra felt ridiculous in the outfit. She felt like she was wearing something that just screamed “boring businessman with no fashion sense who has no life beyond the office”. Which for all she knew was absolutely correct and not that she had much better sense of fashion.
Why didn’t she wear something more feminine this morning? She wanted to, and easily could have. She even made sure to buy some things that she could explain away as being more gender neutral if anyone asked. This was clearly a Lucas outfit and it sucked. The only explanation she could think of was to try to maintain the façade of being a guy, at least for a little while until she figured out how she could work as the girl she was.
Petra rolled over onto her stomach and tucked her legs up underneath herself. Rising up from the ground she flung her clothes off and into a pile in the corner and approached her closet. She was free to wear whatever she wanted within the confines of her apartment.
Her eyes locked instantly on the bag that held some of her new dresses. She was quite eager to wear them when she bought them. He’d always wanted to wear a dress but always felt stuck, unable to even speak the thought… Strange, where’d that thought come from?
She pulled out the green one. The one that looked fresh out of a botanical garden, covered in vines of flowers that grew all along the seams and hem. When she tried it on at the store she nearly fainted from how much she loved it. It was completely impractical for the current weather, but that didn’t matter since she had no plans to leave. Just loiter in her own home taking the time to learn more about herself, plot out who she is and what she wants from this strange life she’s been given, grafted overtop some man she apparently was.
The thought of being a man made her squirm in place, her legs twisting and crossing as tightly as they could her her nails dug ravines in her palm and her eyes slammed shut. Petra tried to take deep breaths, placing herself elsewhere— out in the lake far far below the surface, free of concerns or any worries. Her body just floated in the water, bobbing slightly as the undercurrent gently knocked her around.
In through the nose, out through the mouth. Her breathing continued and her fantasy remained. She slowly raised her right hand and gently cupped her breast, a firm remainder of who, what she is. It brought a smile to her face and a moment later a giggle. Taking one final breath she pried her feet from the floor and sent a silly wiggle up through her body. The dress slid over her and she tied it off into a cute bow in the back. She didn’t know if she looked cute, but she felt it. Petra fell backwards onto her bed and just laid there for the rest of the evening enjoying herself far more than she could ever recall before.
