To Kill a Mockingbird.

The Catcher in the Rye.

1984.

Ryan looked at the collection of books that he knew he should have read back in high school, but had instead gotten Simon to read on his behalf. Each one had a brand new cover that he was sure wasn’t the original and was propped up on top of the shelves of lesser known books.

The library was the last place he ever thought he would go in the city. Well, he didn’t think he would go to the daycare or the computer repair store either, but the library was high on the list. Despite that, it was where Heather chose for their meeting. She said it had a nice area where quiet chatting wouldn’t be a problem and she needed to check out a book. Now Ryan was left wandering through the shelves, feeling guilty over his lack of effort in high school, waiting for his cousin to arrive.

I shouldn’t have gotten here so early. I guess I thought she might show up early too and… I really just want to talk with her.

Whether to apologize first, or act like they were old friends meeting up, Ryan wasn’t sure. He knew some type of apology would have to happen, even if the decision was never in his hands. His other worry was that Heather would blame him more than she was letting on in their texts. She had been nothing but kind and receptive to meeting through their messages, but he wouldn’t blame her for using him to get any resentment off her chest.

While he worried, he continued down the shelves, not reading any other titles but he liked the color variety of all the spines. He was considering walking to the kids’ section to keep himself busy when he felt his phone vibrate.

It was a text from Heather. She had arrived.

She said to meet her on an upper floor, by the desks and computers.

I guess she got here and went upstairs while I was distracted. But I was right, she got here early too! Maybe she’s just as excited as I am.

Ryan made his way to the stairs and ascended as fast as he could without slamming his feet into the steps and forcing a librarian to scold him. It was a larger library, with two levels and a basement, and while there were only a few other people he saw while waiting on the ground floor, he saw at least a dozen as he reached the top.

Which one is she? He scanned the room, hoping he could jog his memory of what his estranged cousin looked like. Despite all of the people, it was a calm scene. A couple of kids on the computers, an older man near the printers, lots of tables in the center of the room where a few students were using their personal laptops.

Maybe I should text her instead of asking random people if they’re my cousin.

Before he could enact his plan, he heard a voice.

“Ryan?” It was from his right.

A woman that looked to be in her late twenties approached from one of the book shelves to the edge of the room.

“Sorry, are you Ryan?” She asked.

The woman immediately reminded him of Abby. They both had the same dark brown hair and rounded jaw, not to mention an identical, pudgy nose. The only difference was that she looked a few years older and wore a pair of glasses with white plastic frames.

She finally reached Ryan’s place by the stairs and stopped. Oh, I guess I should respond. It didn’t really cross my mind that she might not know what I look like, either.

“Yes, Ryan.” He held out his hand then drew it back. “Heather?”

A smile appeared on her face and she spoke barely louder than a whisper. “Yeah, hey! It’s been so long!”

Should I hug her? Or would that be weird? I mean I usually hug my family when we meet, and she is family, so…

He leaned in for a hug, awkwardly holding his arms out until Heather realized what he was trying to do.

“Oh! Okay, sure.” The two hugged each other’s shoulders, easily because she was around the same height as Ryan.

Once the hug broke off, Ryan began to sweat. He was glad she wasn’t upset with him but had no clue how to broach any of the subjects he wished to.

“So,” he started. “I figured we could catch up first?”

Heather nodded. “Sure, of course.” Even with her hushed voice, her own nervousness could be heard, even if her attitude seemed cheerful. “Do you mind if we sort of walk and talk?” She gestured back to the bookshelves she had been at when Ryan saw her. “I told my girlfriend I would check out a book for her while I was here.”

Girlfriend. The word startled Ryan, though he didn’t let it show. I guess she really is… Well, I knew that she was. That’s the whole reason any of this is happening.

“We can do that,” Ryan said. He made the first step toward the shelves.

While they stood amongst the hundreds of books, Ryan tried to maintain smalltalk, hoping he could find a way to lead into an apology.

“Does your girlfriend read a lot?” He asked.

Heather, who had her nose up to the shelf to look at the titles, didn’t slow down in the slightest as she responded. “Not all the time, but maybe a few books a year. She goes through phases.”

Ryan silently sighed, angry at himself for not having the courage to ask what he wanted. I should have had a drink before coming here and just taken the bus.

“Heather.” Ryan took a deep breath and decided he didn’t want to drag anything out more than it already had been. “I’m sorry about everything that happened with our family.”

That made her pause. “Why? It’s not like you did anything. I doubt my mom and dad sat down with eight-year old Ryan and asked whether or not they should send me to a conversion camp. And you’re here now, so don’t worry about it.”

I’m here, but we aren’t really connecting or anything. We may as well be colleagues or even total strangers.

“Well I’m sorry for ever acting like our family was good and healthy, then.” Ryan stared at his cousin, who was still looking at the shelves though she had stopped moving. “And I’m sorry I still haven’t actually stood up for you, even after I found out what had happened.”

Was that good? Why did she stop?

Heather turned, and Ryan saw the glossy water building up in her eyes. “I guess I can accept that apology,” she said. “Thank you. It is nice to know that not everyone in the family thinks the same way.” She wiped her black jacket sleeve against her eyes.

“I’m also sorry for making you cry in a library,” Ryan said in an effort to cut some tension.

She laughed and removed her glasses which had started fogging up. “I appreciate the sentiment, I really do.” Her voice remained steady through the tears. “That really was the hardest part. Unlearning everything we were taught about our family being close and standing up for each other.” She looked at the ugly brown carpet. “I was alone for so long, and everyone who was supposed to be there for me didn’t care. Even Abby was against me for a couple of years.”

Silence hung in the air as Heather sniffed back more tears.

Ryan would have given anything to know what to say at that moment. Something uplifting that would undo the years of loneliness that had taken their toll on her. Something sincere that would let her know the worst was behind her. Something powerful that would make her feel satisfied, like if he went and told their whole family how terrible they were.

I swear, I’ll never talk to any of them again. How did I not see that they were monsters all along?

“I thought it wouldn’t be that big a deal at first,” Heather continued. “I had a few close friends who supported me, and I’ll always be grateful for them, but every time a new problem came up it just… I just wanted my family whenever things got really dark, ya know?” She looked back at Ryan. “I wanted my mom and dad and sister to tell me that it would be alright when my car broke down in the middle of the night, or when I was failing two classes at university, or even when I graduated and had nobody to celebrate with. That was all I needed from them.”

She cleared her throat and put her glasses back on, her tears completely gone. “But that’s how it went. And the past few years have been great for me, so maybe it was all for the best.”

Ryan noticed her fighting off a frown and shook his head. “Even if it’s fine now, that doesn’t mean it should have gone this way. You deserved to have your family. Us. Me and everyone should have been around to support you. I mean without my dad, I’d probably be in a ditch somewhere, and…”

He thought back to all of the sacrifices his dad had made sure he knew about growing up. Even if he used them to pull Ryan’s life around the way he wanted, he still felt like he owed him. He loved him, as cruel as it felt. And now I’m bragging about our family helping me in front of Heather, who got nothing from hers…

“You’re right,” Heather said. “But I can’t dwell on it. I have Abby, and now I have you. And my girlfriend has a great family! They’ve helped me so much, honestly. I know I just sort of cried about all of it but it’s not as big of a scar as it once was, I promise.”

Her girlfriend’s family… A vision of Dani popped into his head. Her family is just as bad, abandoning her. And if she’s dating me, I don’t have some welcoming family to introduce her to. It would just be another family turning on her. Could she deal with that? Hell, could I deal with that? Dad is annoying but if he seriously never talked to me again… I don’t want that.

But no, he’s a bad person. He and everyone else pushed Heather away and left her alone! I can’t pretend that didn’t happen.

His head felt like it would split in two, one direction reminding him all his father had done for him, how much his family had helped guide him, the people he had known all his life. The other was the grim reality of what his family had done to Heather, and what they would put him through if they knew he was dating Dani.

Frustrated, Ryan spoke louder than he knew he should have in a library. “Would you mind if I asked for some advice?”

Heather, who had gone back to browsing the shelves, turned back. “About what?”

“About what I should do.” Ryan looked into his cousin’s eyes, pleading that she would have the answer he needed. “With the family. And with this girl I’m seeing, if you don’t mind.”

“A girl, huh?”

“She’s trans.”

“Oh,” Heather said, dragging out the word as her eyebrows rose. “I see what you mean, then.”

“Her family isn’t very supportive. Like at all, from what I know.” He sat down on the floor, exhausted from the turmoil in his head. “And obviously our family wouldn’t really be cool with her either… Should I just end things? I mean, if you found peace with a different family, I should give her that option, right?”

Heather joined Ryan on the floor, sitting cross-legged next to him. “Slow down,” she said. “ You don’t have to break things off for a weird reason like that. My girlfriend’s family was how I found a way to heal, but there are surely other ways. Maybe she isn’t as traumatized by her family abandoning her?”

Ryan sighed. “No, she’s gotten upset by the situation before. It’s still kind of a new thing , it all went to hell less than a year ago.”

“I see.” Heather leaned her head back against the shelf. “But still, breaking up with her because of that would just piss me off, if I were her. I would think you were making something up. If you asked her, I bet she would choose you over someone else with a more accepting family.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Ryan didn’t feel as assured as he had hoped. He also knew that his next piece of advice would make him look worse in his cousin’s eyes no matter what. “There’s something else, though. I don’t really know if I want to like… Cut myself off from our family.”

He braced himself for the worst. That he could have the nerve to listen to Heather pour her heart out and then say he wouldn’t stand with her and defend her, he knew she would at least call him an ass.

Except she didn’t.

“I don’t blame you,” she said.

Ryan’s gaze snapped to Heather, who looked the same as she had earlier when they first met up. “You don’t?”

“Nah, you just heard what I said about how hard it was to deal with losing my family. So if you have the option to keep them, then I don’t blame you.”

“But–”

“I would blame you, though,” Heather continued, “if you dragged this girl you’re seeing into the whole mess. Hiding the fact that you’re dating her from everyone, disappearing around holidays and leaving her alone, or having our family find out and harass her. Then you would be the worst.”

Ryan couldn’t speak. It wasn’t often someone would tell him so bluntly what his mistakes were. It happened now and again with Simon back in high school but other than that, it was only his father.

So I have to pick between Dani and my family. I knew that from the start, really, but now it’s at least clear in front of me.

“I won’t let her get hurt,” Ryan said. For the first time that day he spoke with confidence.

“Good. Then I won’t hold whatever decision you make against you, alright?” Heather stood back up and resumed her book hunt. “We could still hang out, assuming you wanted to actually reconnect and not just come to me for advice.”

“I do!” Ryan said, jumping to his feet. “Maybe you can come to my apartment next time I throw a party? And you can bring your girlfriend!”

“Sounds fun,” she said.

Ryan smiled and absentmindedly ran his hand along the tops of the books next to him. “You really wouldn’t mind if I stayed in touch with our family?”

“I swear,” Heather said with a giggle. “Besides, if you want to keep being around the people who make you live in a way that you hate, it's more your problem than mine.”