80 — Scion of Fear 

“Sorry, I didn’t get some of that,” I said to Delphiné as I exited the mindscape. 

The look of shock in her face betrayed that she had definitely still been mentally monologuing.

She suddenly felt so small to me. I allowed myself a confident smile. “But I am sure it was very pointless and boring. Still, let’s problem–solve, together. Why keep that body of yours, if it’s such a problem for your advancement? Why not project yourself into this new male body you’ve made? Why waste it on me? It’s right there. Go for it. I don’t mind. I don’t fucking care.”

I didn’t need to hear her voice in my head. I could see the rage boiling behind her eyes. She stepped close to me once more, dead center in the room, leaving her army of children to block the exit in her absence. 

Her arm shot up. This time, her nails dug into my throat. This time she didn't just try to pierce the skin. She squeezed. Her children gripped me from behind. My entire body was being crushed.

Good.

She spoke. “When you are properly inducted, you will see that such acts of indecency are forbidden. (You fucking fool. I’ve accepted my place in society. I use it. I wield it. You would never understand. You treat womanhood as a plaything. It is a burden — one you could never dream of bearing.) Here I am, doing you a kindness, and what do you give me? Bargaining — ingratitude. (Throwing my pain, my anguish, into my face? How dare you. Do not forget that I hold your friends’ lives in my ha—)”

I tried to reply, but I couldn't breathe.

Delphiné couldn't resist. She lightened her grip.

I coughed. “Do you… though? Because I'm starting to feel like…” I gasped for air. “Like that was also bullshit.” I then shot her a smile. “I seem to remember Kaite cutting through your kindergarten like butter. Also — you're so fucking theatrical. If you had a single one of my friends prisoner, where the fuck are they?” 

Her grip resumed. At this rate, she'd choke me to death before I bled out. 

And yet, I still felt Delphiné hesitate.

“Do it,” croaked. “Kill me. Fail. I know you can just make a new me from scratch. But you know? I think you'll fail with her, too. I think every version of me will realize who she is, and humiliate you — again and again.”

With a jerk, she let me go. The children let me go. I crumbled to the floor. The stones were slick with my blood. 

 In spite of her anger, she held herself in check. She couldn't let me defy her. She couldn't allow a single version of me to have beaten her. She’d take every chance she felt she still had to bend me back to her will.

It gave me more time. She'd never forget this fight. She'd feel the anxiety of it every time she thought of me. 

“You wanted gratitude?” I asked, choking, on my hands and knees, seeing my face reflected in the red liquid.

She barked, eyes wide with a vein bulging on her forehead. “I am owed gratitude—”

“Thank you,” I quickly said, looking up, catching Delphiné sharply in the eyes.

She seemed taken aback. “Go on.”

I pulled myself up, sitting on the floor, my back against my desk. I struggled to breathe, but kept talking. “You’ve already spoken so much, mother — do you like mother? Maybe something more familiar would suit you better? Mommy? Goodness, no, that won’t do. Anyway, where was I?”

Her eye twitched.

“You see, if it hadn’t been for you, I’d have never become my true self. I was trying, don’t get me wrong, but I needed that little extra push of mortal danger. I just think it’s funny that you played a part in it. It is funny, isn’t it? Without you, no me.”

She looked at me as if I was the most pathetic thing she had ever seen. “Daelus—”

I struggled, shaking, to return to my feet. My hand, coated in my blood, slipped across the smooth surface of my desk. I landed hard. I began again, lifting my hand, gripping the edge of the desk. “Shush, shush mother — it’s Sheam, and I'm speaking now. You had your turn to speak, and now it's mine. Oh, that look on your face — you've realized I've figured it out?”

I pulled myself up again, this time successfully. I stood, shaking from overexertion, and looked her dead in the eyes. “You can't put shit into my head unless I'm invested in what you’re about to say? I have to give a fuck, or you've got nothing? That's the way it works, isn't it, Mom?”

Her stunned expression had me considering if this was the first time one of her delegates had mentally overpowered her. The kindergarten was stone-like. She was processing.

I smiled as she continued to stare in stunned silence. “It took me a second, I admit. But you've got so many tells. What's wrong? Nothing to say about that?”

She was thinking it — her greatest fear was playing out in front of her. I, her entourage, a mere woman, her lesser in every way she could fathom, had taken power away from her.

This is it. The seed is planned.

Delphiné came back alive. “Oh don’t look so fucking pleased with yourself!” she scolded. She had completely lost composure. Yet, unlike before, she kept her distance. The children formed a claustrophobic circle around me, but held fast. She wasn't trying to physically dominate me anymore. She just stood there.

I didn't let up. “Do you know what your first mistake was, Delphiné? Think back — please — do you remember the day I crossed over? You didn’t join my welcome party at the lodge that day. I even looked for you. I'm not angry. It's just an observation. But, you see, it doesn't lend much credibility to the idea that I've always been part of some grand plan. I was just a weak effeminate male from population one; the leftovers — the dregs. I was chosen at random, wasn't I?

“It's very lucky, though. If it had been your actual plan, and you had tended to me from the start, we might have been inseparable. But no. You made all of this up after you'd seen what I can do. I only meant anything to you after I took control of my life — that's when suddenly you needed me.

“But I know you won't try again. You'll never re-manifest me. You'll be too frightened. I'll always be the one who could overpower you.”

She opened her mouth, but was silent. Clearly she didn’t know how to be having this conversation without her ability to project her words into my mind. She didn't know how to reassert control over the situation. Her entourage stood at attention. They could kill me in an instant. I was daring her to do it. Kill me. Fail. I'd just become myself again — in every lifetime.

“You know,” I managed, my breath growing even more shallow. “You have an even older mistake. An original mistake.”

“Enlighten me,” she replied slowly.

“You've never changed. Change — transition — That's the power I have that you lack. I've crossed thresholds. Not just one; and not just once — it never stops. It's not a thing you do and then you're done. You open yourself to it, and then you realize it's thresholds all the way up.

“But I see you. You’ve never crossed a one, have you? I don’t need to know your life story. I can tell. You’re exactly the same right now as you were before I was even born — a thousand years of this.

“You've never wanted to change. Ten centuries, right? Twelve? Hopping from body to body? And you've never once thought to yourself, wait, is this who I am? What if? Or maybe you did, and thought, actually yeah, I'm Delphiné Lambros. I'm this. 

“Is this you, Delphiné? At least tell me you've asked yourself. Just once. Go on, answer the question. You can even do it inside my head if that makes you more comfortable. I’m rolling out the red carpet.” 

Her entire face flared, eyes and nostrils wide, her cheeks red. “I have my role and you shall have yours. That is simply the facts. It shall be regardless of how we feel about it. (I'm born as what I am and you're born as what you are. That's what we get. There's no choice. There's no fucking thresholds.)”

“Yes! Yes!” I exclaimed. “I was born as what I am. Every time you meet me you'll know I'm this. This is what you have to look forward to. An eternity of someone like me taking power away from you — over and over, forever. I'll never stop. This is what you get. I'm what you deserve.”

“I will make you obedient,” she hissed. “(Even you? My own son? My own precious creation? Even you betray me? Even you cast me aside? Is that all that's left for me? For everything in my possession to turn to poison? Is that what I've earned? Is this what I deserve?)”

“Yes. I am what you deserve. A disobedient daughter who will always break free of you — who leaves you alone, broken, over and over — forever.”

She straightened. A change had come over her. It was like something had clicked inside her mind. “My plan still works even without your obedience. I'm giving you one last chance to leap into your proper body, before I make you obey by force.”

I laughed. “Don't be stupid. If you could, why haven't you? I even gave you the perfect chance to do it when I lost consciousness.”

“Don't flatter yourself,” Delphiné thundered. The entourage around me closed the gap in a flash. My arms and legs were captured in their iron grasps. “I wanted to allow you to leap willingly as a kindness. I'm done being kind. It is true, I can’t merely move your consciousness with my mind unless you allow me. But there is another way. Be warned — it will be torturous. You’ll beg me to stop. (As if you know what’s best for yourself. I brought you into this world and I'll decide how you inhabit it.)”

Fuck.

Wait — can she?

I don't know.

I was pushed to my knees. The child-things were in front and behind me. Hands grasped my arms, pulling them away from my body.

She spoke in an icy tone through her clenched teeth. “If you could have formed your own new body to leap to, to escape this room, you would have done so by now. (You are either too weak, too distracted, or have leapt too recently. Like poor Timothy. He had just crossed over a fledgling delegate when you found him beneath the lodge and poked him full of holes. Such an arduous process. It takes so much out of the males. He was weak as a newborn chick.)”

Sheam, I'm sorry. We may have miscalculated.

There was a popping sensation in my right shoulder. It came with a jolt of pain that made my head spin. “I’ll die,” I gasped out. “You need me. You won’t let me die. You don't want to wait two generations to re-manifest me. You need me right now!”

She sneered. “And I shall have you now. I have mentally tethered that body to you. Your instinct will treat it the same as your own projection. If you die from violence, your organism flooded with adrenaline, your reflexes will kick in. It will choose the body that is readily available — the one I have prepared for you. (As you feel your bones crack and muscles tear, as the pain floods your senses, you will leap instinctively. The animal part of your brain will take over, and it will follow the path of least resistance. You can not fight it. It is simple biology — your body wants nothing more than to survive. It will disobey you. You have no choice. It is not yours to command.)

Fear coursed through me as the pain made my head spin. Just as the children pulled at my arms, still more came to crowd around me, front and back, pushing on my torso, threatening to flatten my ribcage.

“Even if you win tonight, I'll fight you! I won't help you! I'll never stop!” My brave words soon turned to a scream of agony as pain shot through my chest. I could feel my bones giving way.

“You're beyond that, dove. There are chemical mixtures. You'll be on them around the clock. I'll have you brought to heel as if you were a trained pup.”

Had my plan backfired? After all of my goading — was she about to win after all?

Sheam. Don't be afraid. No matter what she does to us, I'll be there. I'll never stop fighting.

I believe you, Obs. Thank you. Thank you for trying. 

Sheam, Look. Look at the way the light glows. Do you remember?

I looked up at Delphiné, and then, past her. My vision was blurry. As my eyes fought to maintain focus, I saw. 

Over the last minutes the room had become flooded with a deep ruddy glow. The morning rays of sunlight had begun to fill the space. It illuminated her, and her entourage of soulless children. 

A memory eclipsed all of the pain. 

I was in the room that Jossimer had set aside for me, on my first night in this world. It was the second time I had manifested my true body. 

I could see myself, lit by the first rays of dawn, not yet the person I would become, but closer than I had ever been in my life. 

I remembered the glow of my skin. 

I remembered choosing my name.

Shine. Gleam.

Sheam.

I remembered everything I had fought to become.

I remembered how to fight.

Maybe I’d die and find myself in that false body, but I wasn't going to succumb to the drug-induced stupor as her slave.

No. Fight harder.

I wasn't going to reflexively leap into the false body at the moment of my death.

No. Fucking fight. Do not relinquish anything.

I wasn't going to die.

Somehow — I didn’t know how anymore, but I was going to beat her, and go home.

It felt beyond reason — it felt insane — but I believed it.

A new sensation broke through the miasma of pain and sent a chill through me. Not uncomfortable, but very unexpected — like a surprise kiss on the back of the neck.

My heart skipped a beat.

Is that—?

I pushed my mind towards it. Had something out there, in the intangible unknown, felt my determination to live, and reached out? I made myself a beacon. I increased my glow tenfold. I would be the sun itself. The searching presence would find me. She would find m—

I felt a warm calm deep within my center. I backed away from the cusp of panic. Something had fit into place, filling an almost imperceptible hole. I felt a weight — a familiar one. Amidst the dozens of small hands viciously crushing and tearing at me, there was now the sensation of a hard, heavy shape against my chest. 

She was here.

My anchor.

My light in the darkness.

I had survived the emotional battle against Delphiné. Obs and I had bested her in the intellectual contest. Now, Delphiné had made the conflict physical. The violence — the threat to drug me. That had been her choice. 

But now, there were three of us, and I felt in my gut that the solution sought by our third was physical in nature — and permanent.

We agree.

I said the words Delphiné had been waiting to hear. “It hurts! Mother, please, I beg you, please stop!” I cried out, barely needing to do any work to sell the ruse.

She stepped close, but tilted her head back, eyes cast down at me. “If you are lying, I will have your arms torn free in an instant.”

The children released me. I was once again on my knees, coughing for breath, fighting against dizziness and the darkness crowding my vision from the sides. I fell forward, but both of my arms failed me, my left with shooting pain through the muscles with fingers numb from the torniquet, and the right hanging limp in its socket. My face smashed into the bloody floor.

I tried to lift up, but the best I could manage was to pull my face from the stone.

The heavy, metallic object fell free of my blouse, and dangled from its chain. I could see it there, the key — our key — real as anything, twisting, rotating back and forth like a sort of pendulum. By some unseen force it twisted more and more with each rotation. 

I wasn’t the one making it do that.

Oh, my love.

I tried to push myself up, but neither arm would obey. As if by instinct, using my last shred of concentration, I manifested a hand that popped my shoulder back into its socket. The pain shot through me anew, but I clenched my mouth shut.

I could feel her eyes on me. She was enjoying the display. I’d give her more. “Please, I can’t take anymore.” I repeated as soon as I caught my breath. “You were right.”

It seemed to calm her. The entourage backed away, giving me space to breathe.

“Now be a good boy and do as mother asks,” she said, her face somehow already wearing a mask of doting care.

I pushed up with my right arm, though it was barely strong enough to support me. Though I trembled from the pain and exhaustion, somehow I stood up. I gripped my hand around the key. I could feel it vibrating ferociously. I wanted to yank it free of the chain, but didn’t have the strength. 

But then, granting my wish, I felt the chain melt away, freeing it.

We knew what we wanted to do.

“Mother,” I said as I lifted my hand before her, at throat–level. “Before I accept your many gifts, allow me to return something.”

Her demeanor changed even more — all doubt vanished from her eyes. The entourage stepped back even farther. She had accepted victory so easily. She had been sure it was inevitable. Why had I ever feared her? She wasn't my fucking mother. She was no one. 

I opened my hand and showed the freshly manifested object to her. 

It jittered, and came alive, lifting to float above my palm, rotating in place with a nervous energy.

“The lodge key.” Delphiné said with surprise, quickly recognizing it. Her face then crossed with confusion. “It's worthless. We’ve already changed the loc—”

The key’s form became fluid. It grew thinner, longer, lighter, sharper. Its rotation slowed to a stop — oriented towards Delphiné as if she were a keyhole.

“I'm not returning it to you.”

The key shot across the room faster than the eye could follow. 

Through her.

It was caught by a deft hand on the other side.

Delphiné’s eyes were wide with surprise. She tried to speak, but blood gushed from the hole where her throat had been.

I could see her eyes darting too and fro, at the children that filled the periphery of the room. Her face grew more and more panicked. The children began to de-manifest one by one.

Behind me, a lifeless, seated figure in the shape of an imaginary version of me faded into nothing. The reflex action she had spoken of had considered its options, and rejected them all.

She fell to her knees, gripping her throat with both hands as blood flowed freely, forming a pool beneath her that quickly doubled the size of the one I had shed.

I could see the look in her eyes. She was trying to manifest a new body, just as I had always been able to do on the brink of death — but she was broken. It had taken all of her energy to project her thoughts into my mind, all of her faculties to maintain the false-me at the desk, and all of her focus and intention to control the army of children that had surrounded her. My defiance, my torment, the fear I had stirred within her had all done their parts. All of it had played into this moment. 

She hadn’t even realized that she was spent. 

I could feel the faintest murmurs of her trying to project her voice into my mind as she struggled to form words with a throat that could no longer work. I allowed it, and could faintly make out her last words.

She was confused. “(How? Why like this? Why you?)”

Her body crumpled to the floor. The sound of her head cracking against stone echoed, and then the room was silent. 

In the doorway stood a figure, face splashed with blood, clad in black leather and bits of gold, illuminated brilliantly in the sanguine light of dawn. 

She was smiling, her eyes exuberant. 

The sight of her made my heart glow.

“Hey, princess.”