CHAPTER 29 - WAIFU PILLOWS WILL END YOU DEAD

“There are three things I hate: People who hate cosplays, people who despise crossdresses, and subordinates who would betray you in a heartbeat!” Zell protested as he clenched his hands.

“I don’t see the connection between cosplays, crossdresses, and the knight who sold you out.” Yufa wondered.

“Don’t mind him, it’s his catchphrase,” I said.

“Stop wasting time, we need to move!” Lizzy sermoned. “Yufa, can you track down where the enemies are?”

Yufa put her hands on her ears as if she’s listening to an imaginary headset. She closed her eyes to focus on her extrasensory abilities. She traced the layout of the building from the fiftieth floor all the way down using psychic powers.

“It’s bad. The Agarthan Soldiers have garrisoned the hospital. Both left and right-wing elevators are occupied by enemies. SWAT Forces are infiltrating through the fire exit. I can also detect flying saucers hovering at the top of the hospital. I’m sorry if I failed to detect them sooner. It seemed like they just appeared out of nowhere.”

Lizzy gritted. “Gates. The priestesses have the ability to create portals for swift assault. They knew that sooner or later, I will have to visit my mother. I have walked right in front of their trap.”

“So now we have to go back immediately? We can no longer buy souvenirs!?” I cried.

“Put your priorities up the straight, stupid donkey. We have to escape first!”

All of a sudden, the windows of the hospital broke, giving an awesome entrance to the special forces who just rappeled to this floor. The Agarthan SWAT soldiers are wearing pure black, with thermal goggles to help them look for heat signatures. They are all holding futuristic rifles that are commonly used in Star Trek Wars.

“Let’s go!” 

Lizzy led the way while pulling my wrist. We took left and right turns in the corridor until we reached a dead end, with no windows. All there is a vacant room that has its door open.

“Here!” Yufa pointed. 

We immediately entered the vacant room and closed the door. We had a few seconds to catch our breath until we heard heavy footsteps, followed by loud banging on the door.

“Open up!” The man from the other side shouted. Before waiting for a response, the metal door started to crumble.

“Shit! Hide!” I cried. 

 This is where it got all messy. Yufa saw the locker first, so she hid there. Zell also saw the opportunity to hide below the bed. Since the room is wide and clean, there are no more places for me to hide. My only option is to lay on the bed, hide under the blanket, and act as a patient in this hospital. However, Lizzy got there first.

“Hey! That’s my spot!”

“I got here first!” Lizzy cried.

I heard the doorknob fall down because of the banging from the outside. I had a millisecond mental breakdown and I panicked. I immediately went to the bed and cover my whole body with the blanket...with Lizzy on the bottom.

“What the fuck are you doing!?” Lizzy protested with a blush. “I’ll kill you for this, stupid donkey!”

“There’s nowhere to hide!” I cried back.

We’re in a literal tight spot. I’m on top of the princess, and our noses are just a centimeter from bumping each other. I can feel her warm breathing on my face. Her bountiful bosoms provide a good cushion for my chest. And her silky smooth legs are wrapped around mine. This is the legendary ultimate missionary position-

There was a loud bang, and the door was opened wide. Three high-tech soldiers entered the room and pointed their rifles at us.

“Show yourself!” One of the soldiers pointed the barrel on the lump of the blanket, which is actually my butt.

This is a checkmate, but I can still turn it around to have a double-checkmate! With my fast thinking skills, I executed the plan that just passed through my mind. I immediately ripped the buttons of my shirt to make me semi-nude on the top that exposes my bare shoulders and chest.

“Are you out of your mind!?” Lizzy blushed more as she whispered. It’s a mix of anger and embarrassment.

“Yes.” I removed her eyeglasses using my mouth and equipped it to myself.

Then for the moment of truth, I showed my face from the blanket, like the most awesome psychotic turtle that ate a lot of plastic drugs. I covered Lizzy’s head with the excess part of the blanket that’s on my hand.

“Wha-What are you doing? Why are you naked?” The soldier shrieked. He seemed to not recognize my face because of my disguise glasses.

“Can’t you fucking see? I’m jerking off with my waifu pillow! Get out! Get out!” I shouted like crazy as I moved my butt up and down three times. 

Oh, I’m gonna get killed because of this.

“The fuck!?” The soldier is awestruck. “Are you insane?”

“Duh! This is a mental hospital!” I continued to jerk my body. “Get out! Get out!”

One of the soldiers patted the shoulder of the man who’s interrogating me. “It’s probably one of the patients. Let’s go.”

“R-Right.” The soldier started to make a few steps back. He lowered his rifle from my butt, which marks us safe from being caught.

I hid my head inside the blankets to see Lizzy’s condition. Apparently, her eyes are all swirly for being suffocated too much. But her cross veins and blushing cheeks are still on her face. I think I made the poor princess unconscious again. The next time she wakes up, she’ll definitely kill me.

The soldiers radioed “All clear.” and started to walk away, until…

“Achoo!” It was a cute sneeze from the locker.

“Who’s there!” All three soldiers are now back on red alert. They all pointed their rifles at the locker.

“I-I’m a talking locker! Achoo!” The idiot inside the locker said. “D-Don’t mind me! Ahahaha!”

“Private, open it up!” One of the soldiers commanded his subordinate.

While one of the soldiers approach the locker, the other two stepped back to fix their ranged position so that they can immediately fire their guns to whoever was inside. One of the soldiers who is closer to the bed clumsily tripped himself that made the situation for us worse. Apparently, he stepped on a white shoe from under the bed. The soldier checked, and he was surprised at what he saw.

“Ohayou gozaimasu, senpai~” The blonde idiot knight greeted.

“Waaaah!” The soldier crawled backward and pointed his rifle to the ‘monster’ under the bed.

My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined. I put up a lot of activities just to keep us on the clear, but those two idiots ruined it! Everything was going so well! Now we’re busted! This is the worst situation!

I’m wrong! The worst situation is about to happen! Lizzy is now wide awake!

“Uh… Lizzy…” I beg for mercy. But it was all too late.

“I’m going to kill you all! Stardust Explosion!”

BOOM!

The whole room was engulfed in a quick white explosion that blasted all the soldiers to the corridor. Yufa was protected by the locker, and Zell was protected by the bed, so they did not incur any damage.

Don’t ask about my condition. I was on top of the princess when the explosion happened, so I’m pretty much dead like those soldiers.