“Gavin? Are you paying attention?”

Adriano’s voice breaks my daydream. Well, it’s not really a daydream - more like my mind is switching off to swim in an abyss of confused anxiety. My stomach is aching from the butterflies swarming around my guts, my head beginning to pound slowly in contrast to my racing heart. I’ve been gazing out the window at the trees gently swaying in the November breeze. I can’t stop replaying this morning’s event in my head and I want it to stop. Why does it matter if Ryan sees someone as more important than me - I’m just a friend… But I hate knowing that probably during all our drunken banter and creative get-togethers, his mind was elsewhere. It frustrates me to the core and I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been betrayed. Is this how friendships work? Is this why people get pissy when their best friends get a girlfriend or boyfriend? Am I supposed to feel this way? I have no idea. No, brain. It’s time to shut the fuck up and stop replaying the kiss. Fuck off.

I turn my hazel eyes to Adriano and see him leaning against the whiteboard with his arm folded across his chest. He’s opted for a white shirt today instead of his usual black one and matched it with a pair of brown chinos. His eyes are fixed on me so I take a deep breath, feeling the eyes of the collective classroom upon me and apologise for spacing out. He tells me I need to get more sleep and I laugh half-heartedly. I probably do need more sleep but that’s no one else’s concern save for my own.

As scheduled, Ryan is waiting for me in the canteen. No sign of the purple haired kid. Weird. I shuffle over to him and pull a chair, dropping myself into it across from him. Doesn’t look like he’s eating today - he has an open can of energy juice but no food carton or wrappers anywhere in sight. He smiles at me and reaches down underneath the table - when his hands return to view, they’re holding one of his sketchbooks, which he sets down on the table gently with a dull thud.

“You okay?” he asks me, tilting his head, “you look kinda…shitty today.”

Really, dude?

“Thanks,” I mutter. Ryan chuckles and opens his sketchbook. He begins flicking through the pages. No way to get around this - gotta just get it out in the open. “So…you’re seeing someone?”

He glances up at me, pausing on the page he’s on. “Yeah,” he tells me, “another photography student.”

Fuck. I feel like I’ve just been jabbed in the stomach with hot needles.

“Oh.” It’s the only sound I can muster. A photography student? Then why the fuck didn’t you collaborate with him on this project?

As if he’s read my mind, he answers me, “He’s only an NQ student - just starting out. He’s nowhere near your level.”

“He?” What is with these forced one word questions? They just fall out of my mouth before my brain can filter my thoughts.

Ryan nods, his gaze falling back to his sketchbook. I let my eyes follow and I notice the page he’s opened at - a beautifully vibrant pride flag is splashed across the page in watercolour. There’s a black line drawing over it but I can’t make out what it is from this angle.

“Sorry. Guess I should have been honest with you from the beginning, huh?” All the mirth has faded from his voice. “I didn’t think it was a big deal but I…I didn’t want you to feel weird about being best friends with a gay guy. I mean, knowing what you do now, would you honestly still get drunk with me and let me stay over? Because a lot of guys wouldn't.” He sighs, running a finger over the painting in his sketchbook. “I didn’t wanna lose your friendship but I should have just been honest.”

Ryan… Fuck sake. You honestly think it’d change anything?

“I might be an arsehole,” I tell him, “but I’m not a fucking arsehole. You being gay literally means nothing to me.” It’s a lie - it does mean something to me but I don’t know what. I don’t have a problem with his sexuality but the thought of someone getting more attention than I do is driving me up the wall. I’m a selfish bastard and I know that. I’ve never denied my arrogance but there’s no way I can ever explain the way I’m feeling to him without him feeling even more confused. “Dude, it’s the twenty first century - love is love.” I shrug as if it’s nothing but the small smile creeping over his face as he stares at his painting tells me it means the world to him.

“I made the right decision with you,” his words are quiet but he nods and returns his gaze to mine. “I don’t know why I decided you were best friend material but I’m glad I did.”

“Oh, I’m best friend now? I’ve been promoted?”

“Only friend, more like.”

“So what’s the deal with the boyfriend then?”

“Joshua Telfer. He lives down the road from me. Met him when we were waiting at the same bus stop. I thought it was awesome to meet a fellow creative who wasn’t a pretentious prick.”

And then you met me.

The more I think about it, Ryan must only see Josh at college. He spends most of his free time either with me directly or talking to me on social media.

“I’ve seen him around college,” I tell him, “but never paid much attention to him. Kinda like his hair though, I guess.”

“Well, he knows exactly who you are,” Ryan laughs, “dude, he fucking idolises you.” Gross. “I think his entire class idolise you ever since Adriano showed them your portfolio from last year.” Good. Let that fucker know I’m superior. “Anyway, speaking of photography, let’s get this evaluation written up.”

And just like that, the conversation moves on. I still don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about Ryan’s sexuality. It’s not an issue but…fuck Josh Telfer. I’m angry that he’s went for a photographer. I don’t know why but I guess I feel like I have to compete with this brat now. There’s that old competitive streak again… Fuck my life.

The afternoon class brings with it a little more comfort. I’m still not happy about the Josh situation and I’m angry at myself for even thinking that I have any right to feel like this in the first place, but at least I managed to ask Ryan about it. Not that we cleared the air much but at least I managed to make him smile again.

Knowing what you do now, would you honestly still get drunk with me and let me stay over?

Those words keep repeating in my mind. He thought I was gonna discard him? Tell him to go fuck himself and get up and leave? Nah, man. His energy has infected me and I’m producing my best work with his creative mind to bounce my ideas off of. No way in hell I’d ever jeopardise this friendship but then maybe that’s what Ryan was afraid of - that by coming out to me, he’d be the one putting us at risk. Thing is though, everyone accepts nowadays, right? Maybe not… For a second, my mum’s face flashes through my mind and I wince. If I was gay, would I really wanna come out to her? I guess maybe not everyone has the same attitudes… Still, I know our friendship is in its infancy but I feel kinda shitty that Ryan even considered I’d shun him. He knows me better than that…or so I hope. He honestly thought he’d lose me?

I don’t get it but I will get it. I need to be the best friend I can possibly be.

Time passes. Days turn to weeks. The elephant in the room is long gone, as if I’d always known about Josh. Ryan never talks about him and I very rarely see the pair together - maybe once a week at college. It’s as if the conversation never happened.

December comes with a sudden burst of snow and a new assignment. One word is all I’m given: vulnerability. Instantly the class ignites with chatter about elderly relatives or young siblings but only one thing comes to my mind: Ryan Speirs. I have an idea but it’ll only work with his permission and to photograph something like this…he may not be comfortable with letting me get that close to him.