11:03 a.m.

My leg is still heavily fatigued from yesterday's walk. This would mean that I am unable to continue on with today's plans. Hopefully, another day's rest would heal them fully enough for the next time I do go out for a walk. 

6:51 p.m.

My mother has invited a child from a CPS shelter, a boy whom I had known since primary school along with his friend from there for dinner. On the car I got to know that the reason for tonight's dinner, and my mom's reluctance to go as soon as possible. Another boy my mother has gotten to know from the same shelter had recently gone back to live with his mother on the mainland Penang. The reason was unclear, thus tonight was to treat them to a proper meal, and not the piecemeal foods that were only sufficient to satiate hunger. Along with a recently retired primary school teacher, we had arrived at a rarely visited Chinese restaurant, across the street from the hawker centers. 

When we walked over to the restaurant from parking in the car park across the street, the boy turned over and talked to me. I initially followed behind both of them, since they were closer friends. He asked me about how I felt about the exams that I had mentioned prior to we got on the car. I told him I felt elated since they had passed only yesterday. He then asked me how I felt about how I did in the exams. Since tonight was a light dinner, id rather not go into specifics on the exams. I'd rather not. I told him, "You can only choose between suffering during the revisions prior, during exams, or during the returning of the results." He thought on that for a while, before replying that he'd rather suffer in the present when he can afford to suffer, instead of in the future where he cannot be certain if tomorrow he would be fit to suffer. I can't bear to reply that I chose the opposite. I was afraid of suffering today, but I've never realized that in the end, the suffering faced in life is inevitable, with when that suffering is faced being the only difference. I choose cowardice. I chose escapism, and whatever choice it may be I know I must take it fully as my own choice - free of regret.

At least, that's what I will tell myself when the results return.

2 a.m.

I really do not know what to say, or write, or think. Just let me vanish, even if momentary. I don't care anymore. I just want to rid of all of it. All of this suffering, It's pointlessly painful. I don't understand why, please. please.