“Mum … could you give me this book?” I asked, slightly annoyed that this damn book was placed so high. All of them were.  This world seriously needed to burn for reminding me time and time again that I would forever be shorter than the rest. Even Mary who was by no means tall, could reach towards the desired brown book without much trouble.

“The ring isn’t sized for small hands. Why are you searching for kids that are barely over a year old?” She asked and effortlessly handed me the book. A bit gloomy, I opened the first page and went through the book while Mary looked over my shoulder, interested in what I was doing.

While I was searching and wanted her to understand my actions by herself, the mayor brought us tea and quickly excused himself again as Mary told him to fuck off. In a friendly way, of course. Meanwhile, I was still searching for the doctor who oversaw suspiciously few births, but those I found, didn’t exactly fit what I was searching for.

“Are you suspecting that Arthur became father without my knowledge?” I nodded enthusiastically as she asked that and turned the page once more.

“There it is. The doctor is Max Mustermann, the father … undefined, interesting. The mother is called Laura Wolle and the child Sofie Wolle. Do you know anything about this family?” I looked behind me towards Mary who grabbed her chin, apparently deep in thought. I didn´t have the time to go through all of the noble families in the Worchester kingdom yet, and so I could only say she wasn’t from nearby.

“They are from an earldom in the north of the duchy … I don’t know how Arthur and she got in contact though.” There was something else she was worried about, although I didn’t understand what it was. Her position as the duchess was set in stone now, and this child would definitely not change that. Because I would do anything, to stop that from happening.

“Do you know her personally?” I asked, slightly worried about the prospect of two friends, screaming at each other because one slept with the others’ husband.

“No, but I do know a story about her. Her parents threw her out because she didn’t want to marry the person they chose for her. She was allowed to keep her family name though … I don’t know if she ever reappeared in society afterwards.” Mary frowned and picked out a family tree book on the other side of the room to confirm her story. Truth be told, I didn’t doubt her one second and showing me the family tree, which was slightly less impressive than Mary’s, thus didn’t change anything.

“Hmm, so we can expect a good for nothing noblewoman who cannot feed her own baby to appear on our doorsteps anytime soon. The problems keep piling up …” I concluded. If she was gifted a ring this expensive, I could easily say that this wasn’t the only thing Arthur paid for her. She could either try to work which were completely contrary to my perception of noble ladies so far or come to Mary and beg for help.

“I will ask the guards to look out for her.” Mary´s idea was not wrong, although I suspected she would have little success. The guards simply couldn’t look out for a woman with a one-year-old baby at the gates and I guessed this woman was already inside the city. Mary never noticed Arthur´s absence and I doubted he would allow the woman he fell in love with to stay too far away. I just had to hope she wasn’t one of the maids I killed, otherwise there would be an orphan I was responsible for somewhere, not that I cared too deeply about it. I mean, it would be hypocritical to care about orphans I didn’t know after I killed around fifty thousand soldiers … if I came in touch with them though … well, then things might change.

We soon began to continue our search half-heartedly in search of another possible L.W. but just as expected, it was a complete waste of time. As such, I ripped out a side with the doctor´s signature and left the city hall together with Mary shortly afterwards.

Zero out of twentythree would visit again. The tea was shit.

“And where to now?” Mary asked while I tilted my head. I didn’t really plan anything, so the only thing that came to my mind was searching for a new dress. As such, we went back towards the street where I saw all the shops and looked through large, brownish and crude windows into the shops to grade the clothing presented inside. Sometimes Mary could see inside because the moonlight shone directly into the shop, otherwise I was forced to make my own decision if I liked the attire.

“What do you think of that one?” It was a dress for mourning, or more specifically for funerals, completely black with a hat ornamented by a silk veil. I could throw the hat away and it would be acceptable, at least in my opinion. Mary breathed in sharply and with that, it was obvious she didn’t like it. In the end, I only selected a few dresses I could wear while I was acting as her daughter and chose to task Tom with bringing me sewing stuff myself. Sadly, dark colours weren’t particularly used in this world after all, so I saw no other option than to make them myself if I ever found the time to do so in the first place.

And thus, we left the shopping avenue unsatisfied and soon found ourselves at the starting point again. The burnt mansion, the end of the havoc I laid. To come to this point reminded me once again why Mary didn’t want to like me. I wondered about all kinds of things as I stood there in front of it, wondering about my uncertain future as the wind made my thick coat flutter. Mary stood just a few metres away, yawning unladylike as it dawned on me.

“Say, Mary, do you know what the seed of life is?” She had it. Or she got it again while I was at war? I couldn’t tell, but my attachment to her was completely out of the ordinary. I refused to see her as a tool, I refused to use her to my liking although it could be so easy. And there could only be one reason for my unusual behaviour around her.

“No? Is that something magical?” She asked, completely oblivious about the topic.

“It is something every child has and loses in their late teenage years. But you, you have it. It is no wonder that my emotions are like this when it comes to you …” I said and looked into her eyes for a second. She was incredibly calm, but that didn’t mean anything as she always kept her emotions at bay when dealing with me so far.

“And why should I have it?” She asked, rightfully so.

“Are you pregnant?” I blurted out, not really knowing if that would even mean anything to me.

“No, I´m not.” She claimed with so much determination that it didn’t leave any room for doubt. “Does that mean you are nice to children?”

“I try my best, but it is really hard sometimes. Especially during war …” I said and closed my eyes. Just by thinking about Luna, this damn sadness enveloped me once again. As I calmed myself down enough and opened my eyes enough, I could barely see how she was entering the servants quarters, probably not believing in my emotions at all. She was making this harder than it ought to be.

Frustrated, I went after her, scribbled a few words on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and wrote a few words on it as well. Even when this stupid seed of life manipulated my emotions so brazenly, I was still drawn to her like a moth to a flame. It was just questionable if I would burn myself at the flame or not. And so, I bet everything on one idea I had. Only the gods would be able to change her opinion if I failed this time. Frustrated, but also strangely thrilled, I tapped the table I wrote the letter at for half an hour, retrieved a dagger of mine and soon stood in front of Mary´s door.

After leaning against the door and listening closely to every sound behind the door, I opened it as quietly as possible. The door still creaked and the wooden floor wasn’t exactly silent either, but luckily, Mary was still fast asleep. I stared at her sleeping, peaceful face for a few minutes until I laid the dagger and letter right next to her where she would find it. Satisfied, I sat down close to her and gently wiped a few hairs out of her face.

Smiling, I laid down nearby and stared out of the window. The all deciding moment was only hours away and I couldn’t await it. It would be the first death I chose for myself and I didn’t mind betting on my life at all. If this was successful, then I had hopes for a future where Mary and I could become friends, as daughter and mother or whatever she wished for.

Soon, the moon started to vanish and the first sunrays hit the ground. I still smiled as my eyes grew tired and fell asleep, with no chance of waking up before the night began anew, just like I wanted it to be.