Was I that undesirable? Was I that dangerous for a baby? What could I do wrong in the first place? Did I do anything wrong until this point? I shook my head in frustration, especially because deep down, I knew Mary was right. The more time I spent with Sofie, the more I would grow fond of her. And judging by Aska´s actions so far, he would use my feelings, including those towards children, against me.

Shouldn’t I distance myself from Mary in that case as well? She was already in my heart that ached wildly since she told me how unfit I am to be around kids. Worst of all, I couldn’t even refute her. Heck, I slaughtered a whole orphanage to prove my point to Aska and I doubted Sofie would be any exception to this. Mary was my biggest weakness, no matter how you looked at it. I even followed her advice rather often and cooked this stupid fish for example. Unsure what to do with her, I stomped into a nearby shed and made a mess out of it until I found an axe. For a few seconds, I wondered why the gardener even had an axe, but then remembered you could murder with these things rather well. We all knew how often gardeners committed murder after all.

Swinging the axe as I stood outside, I searched for my first target. Luckily the servants were already home, so they didn’t see me how I kicked the gravel as I strolled through the garden, always throwing the axe into the air and catching it afterwards. It didn’t take long until I stood in the centre of the backyard and swung the axe.

“Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.” I screamed as the axe hit its target. I really wanted to torture someone right then to vent my frustration. This whole city should burn under my thumb as I would squash it like a giant. But on the other hand, it wouldn’t do me any good. Sure, I could wreak havoc, but I would also lose everything I worked for so far. And so, a tree had to do it for now.

Wooden splinters flew everywhere as I hacked the tall tree apart, completely senseless. I didn’t even want to fell it, I just wanted to chop it into pieces. A few minutes later, most of the bark was already gone all around the tree.

“Okay, time to calm down.” I said, closed my eyes and breathed slowly. Within a few minutes or so, my mind returned to be as calm as a little pond. Only then did I open my eyes again and continued to swing the axe. With the first swing I did, my anger flared up again and I started hacking at the tree again, completely out of mind. Afterwards, I stopped my trembling hand again to calm the ocean of terror within me.

“It is just that nobody likes you … or doesn’t see you as a benefit to the upbringing of a child. No need to worry, you are an evil little bitch … fuck this shit.” I tried. I really tried to stay calm and control my emotions, but it hurt so much that Mary saw me like this, even if it was the truth. It hurt more than slaughtering these children, more than I could bear. My axe swung at the tree again and dug deep into the wood. “Why does she have to care more about a goddamn baby than me?” I asked and pulled the axe out again, only to lift it back up and swing it downwards into the tree.

“FUCK!” Why did everyone care about the humans I murdered or those that were impacted by my actions? Why did Mary spend so much time with her damn paperwork to ‘relive the burden of the families who lost their men during the war’ and didn’t take care of my needs? Why did nobody ask how I felt? Why did everyone assume I was okay while in fact, I wasn’t?

I screamed loudly once more and continued to hack the tree apart. I deeply wished I could ram this axe into a stupid human to see their misery and I wouldn’t need to live with my own. Angrily, I let the axe dig into the hole I created with it and kicked the tree in fury.

“Fuck this shit!” I just wanted Mary to see me like her own daughter. Why was it so goddamn hard for me to create any kind of interpersonal relationship that wasn’t built on using the other party or simply pure depravity? Time and time again, I saw how Mary grew fond of me and then, her stupid altruism had to ruin everything again.

“You cannot go out and hunt bandits … they deserve a proper sentence.” I imitated Mary and swung the axe one again. A wooden splinter bore into my arm which made me giggle involuntarily. Furiously, I pulled the splinter out and continued to swing my axe. Time and time again, I struck the tree with my axe, giving my best to fell it slowly. And it did help in venting my frustration, even if there was no blood involved.

A few minutes later, I closed my eyes again as I heard steps behind me. The ocean within me calmed down again and returned to be a pond, nice and smooth. I turned around, wearing a happy smile and pointed towards the nearly felled tree with the axe.

“We are short on firewood, aren’t we?” Mary nodded but otherwise didn’t comment at all. I turned around once more and continued to fell the tree, this time methodically.

“You told me you showed your emotions to me. Is this an exception?” Yes, yes it was. She still feared me if I was this close to exploding, she already showed me that in the hidden rooms in the cellar. I didn’t want her to fear me even more.

“An exception? What do you mean? I´m just felling a tree here, nothing wrong with that.” I said dryly and swung my axe once more.

“Lucinda… I´m sorry.” She didn’t have to tell me what I already knew.

“There is nothing to be sorry about. You are completely right. She will grow up in a fucked up environment if I stick around.” I swung the axe with full force and stepped back as the tree began to lean to the side slightly. I shrugged, then stepped closer again and retrieved the axe.

“And yet you are still felling this tree.” She said and stepped away from the tree.

“Firewood mum, firewo-“

“If you want to hurt me, do it. It´s only fair if both of us get hurt.” I swung my axe once more in frustration and finally made the tree fall over. It slammed onto the ground, fell upon beautiful flowers and ugly ones alike. I walked backwards and nodded at the sight of my creation. Then, I turned around to look at Mary who handed me a sharp knife.

“If you insist.” I said without emotions and held the knife high. I didn’t know what her idea behind this was, or if she really believed I would stab her, but she didn’t shrink back once. She looked into my eyes the whole time even as the knife stopped a few centimetres above her shoulder.

“You know perfectly well I won`t hurt you.” I said and threw the knife behind me.

“You are angry … furious at me.” She tried to touch my cheek with her palm, but I leaned my head to the other side, away from her. “And I want you to forgive me, whatever it costs. I´m sorry, I should have talked to you earlier about Sofie, but I wanted you to say goodbye to her.”

“She is just a baby I met once?” I said and hid my emotions completely.

“And I know how much you adore children. What do I have to do to calm your anger?”

“Just … I … I don’t know.” I really didn’t know. I was sure she was the source of my anger, but I couldn’t say exactly why.

“You don’t know?” She asked surprised.

“It just hurt that you put Sofie´s well-being above mine.” And if I got hurt, I lashed out. Maybe this was the reason for my anger, maybe not.

“You are jealous?” She tilted her head in wonder and raised her left eyebrow.

“I´m not … okay, I am.” I turned around towards the tree and proceeded to retrieve the axe, still thinking about my own emotions. Was jealousy really the source of my anger? “Could you leave me alone for a few days? I need to think about … stuff.” I turned away from her and walked in the direction where I assumed the shed was.

“Lucinda … if that’s what you need.” She said slightly dispirited. “But I want you to know that I will be always there for you, as your friend, or as your mother, whatever you need.” I stopped walking, only to turn around once more, conflicted if it was really a great idea to ask her what I wanted.

“It would be nice if you could visit me in the hidden room daily. And tell the servants that I´m away for a few days…” I said and walked away from her once more. I continued to talk so quietly she wasn’t able to hear it anymore. “… and don’t worry so much about me … I´m used to it.”