On a desolate island in the middle of some ocean, a slap resounded as my palm hit Aska´s cheek. Furiously, I glared at him, even though I noticed that he felt a bit bad for what he did.

“You … don´t even dare thinking that I will forgive you that. I forgave you torture, but I hate you for raping me time and time again, even though you knew it was breaking me apart slowly.” I screamed at him, knowing my right eyelid was twitching furiously.

“What else should I have done, huh? You know as good as I do that it is hard to restrain this lust.” Yeah, and I hated myself for knowing that.

“You are a selfish prick! You only desire you and yourself alone.” I shouted and rammed my fist into his belly. He didn´t even react at all, incentivizing me to punch him once more.

“That’s why I did all of it. And that’s why you couldn´t control yourself as you turned Tom into a vampire until you realized what I did to you. You know exactly that you cannot blame me for what I did.” He said and even though I hated it, I had to admit there was some truth to his words.

“Shut the fuck up. Unlike you, I stopped when I realized what I did to him! And I still feel like a piece of shit for raping him!” I screamed and hammered my fist against his chest.

“So what? Do you seriously believe I cared that you felt a little bad? You found your way to deal with your problems, so why should I stop?” Without care for life in general. Sometimes, I hated to see myself in him and this was certainly one of these.

“… I really wish our genders would be reversed right now. I would love to see you howl in pain when I throw you in a group of lusty men as you did to me … I would even take part in it, doing what you did to me the whole time. Aska, you are the worst. There is no other person I hate as much as you right now, and they're probably never will be one … but not only did you give me a cunt to enjoy, you also made me fall in love with you forever, right?” I asked, my leg shooting up to kick him into his groins which sadly felt like steel.

“That is …” He muttered, slowly realizing just how angry I was.

“Do you know how it feels to hate and love someone at the same time? It´s fucking awesome, especially when you wish your soul would be torn apart. Aska, I will not forgive you. Never! You never even considered my feelings when I would find out eventually, and now that I apparently don’t forget anymore, you are fucked. All the promises I made to you amount to nothing. You destroyed the basis of it. You took the most precious thing in our relationship away from me.” I screamed full of rage.

“I didn´t do it on purpose. You enjoyed it! You enjo-“ He said, but I interrupted him immediately by picking up a branch on the sandy ground and stabbing his eyes with it.

“Fuck off Aska! I don’t care how often I came. I don’t give a damn! You did all of this to me! You turned me into a freaking slut for your own enjoyment! Don’t give me that shitty victim shaming! You are the reason I am so fucked up, from my giggling whenever I get hurt, to my emotions that run rampant … I am so fed up with you.” Sadly, the stick wasn’t durable enough, and so I was forced to take a stone, jump up a little and smash it onto his head with exactly the same result.

“Have you thought about my feeli-“ His feelings? I did that long enough.

“SHUT UP! There can only be one egoistical prick on this island, and that is currently me! You … I will not follow anymore whatever you want from me. Shove getting you on Solaris up your ass. And whatever else you want from me, I will not do it! All the promises we made to each other amount to nothing in the end! You didn´t want me to find friends because they could be my weakness. Have you ever thought that need them? Since my childhood, you fucked me up time and time again, and they were the reason I could live a somewhat normal life on Solaris! Not you! You didn´t want me to fuck others because you knew everything would come to light! Screw this! Every promise I ever gave you, every deal we ever made … I won´t follow them anymore.” I hissed and threatened him with everything I got.

“You …” He muttered slowly.

“And if you ever want to talk to me again, you better reincarnate Mary, Tom, Sofie, Hannah, Luna and even that goddamn whore close to me. And don’t even dare to find shitty loopholes.” I growled and picked the stick up from the ground again.

“Lucinda…” He said as I drew a line between us in the sand.

“Do it!” I screamed, going a bit away from our original position on the island until I was close to the sea.

“Okay…” He muttered once I turned around and went in the opposite direction again, only to find a weirdly flat house somewhere in the middle of it. I circled around it once and then went to the other side of the island.

“Make that shit permanent. This is your side.” I pointed towards the half where he stood. “This is mine. That shitty house there is for both of us, and don’t even dare to step into my part of the island, or I will make sure that I will forget everything!” I screamed and stomped away angrily.

“Lucinda?” He shouted after me.

“WHAT?” I screamed back, still walking away from him.

“Where are you going?” Where was I … wasn’t that obvious?

“As far away as I can get from you. I need time for myself.” I growled and left him behind in the distance. I needed time to heal my mental scars, time to mend all these wounds on my soul. And I would make sure that I had this time. And if Askatesh truly wanted to hurt me again in the future, I now had a very potent self-destructive way of refusing whatever he wants from me.

Erasing my own memories.

All of them.

bloodyWriter

End of book one!