With two distant moons on the horizon and a gentle breeze swaying my red dress, I stood on a whiteish beach and swung my fishing rod over my shoulder. The ocean in front of me was calm with the lights of the night beautifully reflecting on it … otherwise I wasn’t so sure I would even stay close to it. Water was still scary after all. 

I was on another planet than Solaris, an unnamed archipelago world that mostly served as a holiday destination for gods. It wasn’t completely uninhabited though. A dolphin-like creature jumped out of the water a few hundred metres away from me, fluttering with its wings wildly until it flew off towards the horizon, just like I wanted to. But sadly, no matter how hard I flapped my arms, I would never take off. 

Suddenly, the makeshift swimmer I made was dragged underwater, incentivizing me to pull on the rod half-heartedly. The hook must have caught onto something as the rope tensed up and the wood of my fishing rod bend downwards. Luckily, my fishing rod didn´t snap this time as the hook suddenly got loose again and flew out of the water, an old boot connected to it.

Sighing a bit, I looked at the trash, pulled it off the hook and threw it into the water angrily. “Fucking pullotion.” It was only a matter of seconds until I threw the rod to my side as well. Exhaling loudly once more, I let myself fall backwards onto the beach and extended my arms to my side. 

I frowned a bit as I noticed the iron bird flying in the sky, pulling a banner behind it.

‘I´m sorry’ was written on it, perfectly in line with the hundreds of flying birds before that. For ten years, or at least I assumed it were ten years, I did not speak a single word with Aska as I didn´t feel a hint of thirst here and could very well find activities on my own. I didn´t need him for anything and as I had no incentive to talk with him, I didn´t feel the need to head towards the middle of the island. 

Aska did have other ways to communicate with me though. The iron birds were only one of these. There were also large ships out of iron that parked for weeks in front of the island, always with the same message on their side.

‘I am sorry’

I still hated him though. 

But I also loved him. And I always hated him somewhat …

Even though the pain in my heart lessened considerably over the last few years and I somewhat started to accept that there would never be true equality between us, just a sham in which I would destroy myself and everything he wanted from me by erasing all of my memories and therefore the very core of my being. 

But mutual destruction, if that even was mutual destruction, was also some kind of equality, was it not? I had something in my hands that he could never take away from me. And that alone gave me hope that this relationship between us could be saved somehow. 

“Fine …” I muttered, picked up the sharpest stone I made during the last ten years and strolled through the palm trees towards the place where I haven’t been for all this time. Apparently protected by one of Aska´s magical tricks, the border between our areas was still completely untouched by wind and weather.

He was already there, waiting for me while scratching his head awkwardly as I stopped exactly one metre fifty-seven in front of the line. For several minutes, we just looked at each other while I had my arms crossed in front of my chest.

“You-“ We said at the same time and stopped again. I flinched a bit at this coincidence which made me painfully aware that no matter what I would do, I would always be like him. 

“You know that I hate you?” I asked after several more seconds.

“I am painfully aware of that fact.” He said and gnashed his teeth.

“You know that I love you?” I asked slowly. He knew. He made me love him. 

“I do.” He said calmly.

“… what do you have to offer?” I tilted my head in interest, knowing full well he disliked that even though he did it himself sometimes.

“Offer? I thought you were done with me?” He asked jokingly, knowing that there had to be an impenetrable barrier between us so that we would be “done” with each other. 

“Don’t make me regret this.” I said plainly and stared into his eyes without any emotions. We were basically doing a business transaction at this point. I would offer talking to him again and he would …

“Fine. I can teach you your magic.” He said slowly as if he needed time to think.

“My magic?” I asked while frowning. I did not have any mana, so I really didn´t understand how this was supposed to work.

“Hmm, fiddling with your own soul to twist your memories isn´t exactly that widespread.” He explained, which I had to agree to somewhat. Forcing the soul in the blade of magnetism to do my bidding was another example of actions only I could take.

“What will I be able to do?” I asked slowly and tried to discern at which point I would agree to try to forgive him.

“In the world of the living? Not much. But once it comes to death …” He trailed off into the distance at the end, but I knew it wouldn’t disappoint me. He could not pay the price to do so after all.

“Teach me.” I said greedily, digging my heels into the warm sand. 

“Will you forgive me?” He asked and tilted his head himself in interest … I hated it.

“I will try … as long as you understand that no means no. If you cross a single line, I will erase everything I have … and you can start from scratch with whatever you want me to do.” I said while trying to hide my reaction to his head movement.

“Understood.” He said and stepped forwards once until I stopped him.

“Do. Not. Step over that line.” I said and smiled brightly. He stopped instantly, his foot only a few centimetres away from the border. Snipping once, I pointed towards that strange house in the middle.

“If I ever want to be close to you again, I will go there. But do not go into my part of the island.” I hissed threateningly which seemed to do the trick right away.

“Okay.” He said and stepped back, his hands in front of him soothingly. 

“Till tomorrow.” I said and turned around on my heels angrily. I didn´t look back towards him once as I strolled towards my shabby hut in the distance. I wanted to learn magic, but even looking at him was a hard task in itself. And thus,  I was quite relieved as I was back in my safe zone and stared at the water in the distance. It was still smooth, and yet I never touched it once in the last few years. 

Too unbearable was the thought of that wetness, too impossible to forget all these memories of dying over and over again and of feeling so helpless. 

I didn´t know what was happening to my real body on Solaris. For all I knew, I could be drowning again, or I could lay in a normal bed. Mary would be forty if I guessed the time correctly which was quite hard on this planet. Two moons hung at the same place all the time and never during all these years did I even see a hint of sunlight. So in a sense, this place was a vampire paradise, but it still sucked that my sense of time went missing.

But still, I had to wonder how life was going on Solaris. Would everyone be fine without me? Would the elven king try to use my absence? Maybe he could even find the Staff of Creation … he would be very well versed to leave it alone though. No human really knew what it could do and activating it accidentally would have quite destructive consequences. 

Yawning, I laid down on my palm leaves and stared at the stars, so distant, and yet so close. The sky was always crystal clear on this planet which would probably be called a paradise for everyone except me. There was simply too much water on this planet. 

Sighing, I closed my eyes and sank into dreamland wonderland. The next ‘morning’ or whatever it was, I immediately ran towards the border after dusting off all the sand on my dress. Aska already awaited me there, standing on a dune and looking towards the horizon. 

“Have you ever thought there is more to reality than you can see?” Obviously. I could not look inside his head for example even though there was something.

“Since when are you following the idea of solipsism?” I chuckled lightly and mused over the possibility that everything just happened in my mind.

“… that’s not what I mean. What you can see is only the surface of everything.” He explained, which made sense. My eyes couldn’t pick out the smaller elements after all.

“Yeah, because there are atoms and other things that are too small to see.” I said, but also knew that he wanted to hear something different.

“That’s not what I meant either. Close your eyes and tell me what you can feel.” He said which I promptly did.

“The wind on my skin, the sand below my feet, my dress on my shoulders …” I tried to feel everything there was, but didn´t sense everything different than usual.

“Hmm … can you feel that?” I still had my eyes closed as I heard the cracking of a shell nearby. Aska must have killed a random animal … but feeling it? How was that supposed to work?

“No, not even remotely.” I said and opened my eyes again.

“But you could feel the soul in the Sword of Magnetism?” He said and threw the dead animal into the ocean.

“Yeah, but that was something else. I played so long with souls that I … could feel them if they are really close. Do you want to tell me that I can learn that for more than souls?” I asked in amazement. 

“The more you are distancing yourself from your main attribute, the harder it will become.” He explained, to which I could only frown. As far as I knew, I had absolutely no elemental affinity whatsoever, which could only mean he meant something else entirely.

“And my main attribute is … death, I presume?” I asked slowly even though I already knew the answer.

“Correct.” He stated and once again proved we were incredibly similar. Still, there were a lot of questions in my head which I wanted to have answered.

“And what does death mean? The fossils under my feet?” I asked, really unsure how to define even death.

“Maybe, maybe not. Depends on how far you progress with your magic.” He told me, which did explain exactly nothing.

“I have one hundred and ninety years.” I stated, hoping it would be enough.

“One hundred and eighty-six, to be exact.” Was I that far off? I really had to get a grip on my sense of time again which was seriously challenging in this unchanging environment.

“Then slow down the time.” I said dryly.

“We aren’t in purgatory …” He answered, which finally revealed a weakness of him. Outside his turf, he apparently had quite a few problems with doing whatever he wanted. Well, that was to be expected if the whole reality I lived in was a cooperation of all the gods. There was still the question of why he chose this island over purgatory though, but the answer was quite obvious. It was surrounded by water. I couldn’t escape.

“Okay, what do I need to do to feel death? Die a few thousand times more?” I asked jokingly.

“I fear not … I have no clue. The truth is that I am an origin god. I existed since the beginning of all, together with a few others who just know how everything works. I lived so long that there isn´t even a number to count all these years … I do not know how I can teach you, I only can tell you how I perceive the world.” He said, which made me a bit angry to be honest. He told me he would teach me magic, but now it seemed as if I needed to do everything on my own.

“And how does that help me in any way?” I asked while glaring at him.

“Perception is important for manipulation. If you don’t even know it is there, you won´t be able to change it according to your will.” I didn´t need to see him to punch him … but I needed to know where he was, he was right about that.

“That’s not magic you are explaining. Thus far, you haven’t mentioned any energy being consumed.” I said and twirled my index fingers around in a circle. Magic always needed some form of energy, no matter what. The soul provided that energy in the form of mana most of the time, but he explained it as if this was entirely unnecessary.

“No … I am not teaching you human magic. What I am trying to explain goes far, far deeper. Everything you can see, everything you can touch is there because of the origin gods. We all have our own domain, fire, death, life, you name it. Without us, there would be no death, no life, no nothing. I am not the person you see, Lucinda, but rather the fish that dies a hundred and twenty metres east, I am the dead crab beneath my feet, I am wherever life isn´t anymore.” He made no sense. How could death have a personality? Although with his personality … well, I started to see the connection. 

“… you want to tell me that your personality is that of a dying fish?” I asked stared at him in wonder while he chuckled amused.

“I am everywhere, Lucinda. The god of fire is everywhere where heat is, the goddess of life is wherever there is vitality. She is the vitality we desire.” Eww … did that mean I was drawn towards her instead of life itself? That was … a really weird thought.

“So you want to tell me that you aren’t in control of death, but rather death itself?” I asked in doubt.

“Is that so hard to believe?” He asked and finally looked towards me. His dark blue eyes showed nothing about his emotions, and his plain face didn´t reveal anything either. 

“Yeah, especially because of all this incestuous lust we both are feeling. How does that fit into the context of death?” As far as I could tell, we were both solely lusting after our family members.

“There are more things to me than just death. I have a personality as well, I have feelings.” Yeah, and he did have a few screws loose. 

“And you are a selfish prick who only desires himself, no? You couldn’t stop yourself because I am your daughter, I couldn’t stop myself because Tom is my child, am I not right?” I asked and glared at him. Thus far, he was the reason for my weirdness, including this one. 

“Just tell me what you want to ask.” He said indignantly, probably trying to avoid answering altogether.

“Am I your clone or what?” I asked while glaring at him.

“The last time I checked down there, I was a man.” He said and chuckled quietly.

“… then what else?” I asked, squinting my eyes together closely.

“Some questions are better left to be unanswered.”  Immediately after he said that I bent down to pick up sand with my hands and threw it at him. I didn´t want to get onto his side to punch him, but I did have to voice my displeasure somehow. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the trees is especially true with gods.”

“So you want to tell me I am a goddess or what?” I asked in doubt. It certainly didn´t feel like I was one.

“Not exactly ... You need to grow a lot more to be a goddess.” He said with a strange hope in his eyes.

“Then tell me, how do I ‘grow’ ?” I growled as I was quite fed up with his evasive answers.

“Get better in your element?” He said, evading to state clearly what was needed once more.

“Teach. Me.” I stated.

“You need to feel first.” Disappointed, I turned around and left the border without saying any other word. Feel death … was he my spiritual guide or what? A death guru who meditated while falling from the sky without any way to stop his fall, just to feel the kick? Honestly … I could see him doing that.