Chapter Five:

CW: mention of suicide ideation

The dance, my first dance and my first date. At least once, I get out of the car like I've been trying to for the past five minutes. The weight of everything just hit me, and I'm still reeling.

"John, are you doing okay?" Kristy almost sounds concerned.

No, but I don't have a choice.

"I just need another minute, and then we can go in."

"You know, people are going to think we're making out." Kristy even wiggles her eyebrows at me, and whether it's that or her tone, I laugh. Which is probably what she wanted.

"Sorry, I realised that if I mess this up, it's going to hurt you, Layla and Payton, and that's just a lot of pressure."

"Oh, you're worried about little old me?" She's using the same cutesy voice she used with Mom, and I roll my eyes. "It will be fine. We're going to dance tonight a lot, so I hope those shoes are comfortable. Occasionally, I'll pass you off to another girl, like Payton."

"Exactly! In one night, I could absolutely ruin things for all of you, and that's before getting into tomorrow night!"

Kristy actually looks puzzled. "What's tomorrow?"

Does she not know?

"Layla is taking me to meet her parents." And I still don't know why.

I'm shocked when Kristy reaches out and grabs my hand; it's more familiar than I expected from her, and honestly, it's really nice of her. The contact is reassuring.

"You're really wound up, and no wonder. What is Layla thinking, taking you home?”

That's one of my many questions; if she wasn't throwing me at Kristy, I would think she would want me to distract her parents, but that doesn't really make any sense.

"I don't know, but I could hurt you, any of you or all of you, and that's the last thing I want."

"I'm tough; we all are. Besides, the only thing you've done is make Payton happy and help Caroline with history."

There was no mention of herself. I knew Kristy didn't need the tutoring, and I'm starting to wonder if she was there entirely to help sell the story for our date tonight.

"Sorry, you probably think I'm being dumb."

When Kristy says, "A little," I laugh, and honestly, I need it to help me defuse my rising anxiety. "Seriously, John, relax. You know, you always seemed so unaffected; some of the girls thought you were cool - because you chose to be by yourself. I heard dreamy more than once, but that isn't you, is it?"

"What are you talking about?"

Why would anyone think any of those things about me?

"So innocent, I thought so. Now," Kristy claps her hands. “We're going to the dance, and we're going to have a good time. This weekend, if you want, you should text me."

I do actually feel better, but I think my confusion is distracting me.

"Sure, let's get going."

Everyone's waiting, and I've wasted too much time. I don't even know how I'm meeting up with Payton.

"There's just one last thing: purse your lips." Kristy hesitates, just long enough for my eyes to pop out of my head before she continues. "I'm going to put some lip gloss on you. It will make it look like we were making out—unless you want to do the real thing?"

"The lipgloss is fine."

"Another right answer, you are acing my class."

Kristy is going to kill me at this rate. I don't know if I can handle all these emotional swings. She pulls a pink lipgloss out and swipes it against my lips.

Is this hygienic?

"And done. It might feel tingly, but that's how you're supposed to feel." I'm surprised when she passes

the tube over to me. "That one is yours to keep, but it's the shade I'm wearing."

"Are you prepared for everything?" Because it's really starting to feel that way.

"Of course."

I'm a mouse in a snake pit, and it's starting to become apparent that what I thought were tunnels out are the open jaws of waiting vipers.

Maybe it's a cruel analogy, but I'm absolutely flailing right now.

I just need to shake it off, maybe literally. Tonight is just a dance. It will be fine; everything will be fine; besides, I have more pressing concerns.

My lips are tingling a lot. It almost feels like I have pop rocks on my face. Kristy said it would tingle, but it's more intense than I expected.

"Okay, I'm going to do this. I'll get your door."

I wish Hannah were here. I could use a bit of cold right now, and not just because it would come with her embrace.

As I finally step out, I see a lot of eyes watching Kristy's car. They absolutely think we were making out—why else would we just park for almost ten minutes?

The eyes shift to me as I walk around and help Kristy out of the car.

"Thanks, John." Kristy leans in and kisses my cheek before she whispers. "Smile."

Faking a smile shouldn't be hard; that's one skill I'm very practised at. Mom worries if I don't, but thankfully, I've had fewer and fewer reasons to fake them recently.

"There you two are!" Layla says suddenly, and I just barely resist rolling my eyes. As if she doesn't know I've been panicking in the car for the last ten minutes.

"Sorry, Cap, but like we were busy." Kristy twirls her hair in her fingers in a deliberate way.

"Hey, Layla and sorry." For a lot of things, but hopefully nothing bad.

"Well, you're here now, so let's get going. We're burning moonlight."

Layla drags us over to where the rest of the squad is idling, and I'm pleasantly surprised to see Hannah standing there with them.

I guess delaying so long, let her catch up. That's amazing. Just seeing Hannah makes me feel more relaxed. Kristy must notice, too, because she's smiling at me, and it's a lot more genuine than a few minutes ago.

There's a bit of a line to get into the school, but that's fine. I'm relaxing more surrounded by the squad than I thought I would.

"John, how do I look?" Caroline says suddenly, and that's when I notice she's wearing the green dress I found for her at the Mall.

"Wonderful, like a painting, but that's hardly a surprise. I'm glad you bought that dress."

Shopping was a lot less stressful than I expected it would be; I genuinely had fun.

"Complimenting other women, John?" Layla says, and I actually do roll my eyes at her.

"I already told my very lovely date that she's gorgeous, and not for the last time tonight. Why fishing for a compliment yourself?"

"I certainly wouldn't mind." Layla even does a little spin.

Okay, I can see where this is going. I might as well end it here before I run out of synonyms and just quickly rattle off variations of pretty for Layla and the rest of the squad.

Thankfully, they all look happy enough with the compliments. I'm saving 'stunning' for Payton.

"Good evening, girls." Miss Lynch says as we get to the front of the line, her eyes widening as she notices me. "And John. Colour me surprised to see you."

Miss Lynch was my art teacher last year, and she is way better than Mr Brown. She always had an encouraging word and suggested we branch out and experience life to help improve our art.

Hannah was walking with us, but she took one look at the line and Miss Lynch and kept walking. I guess she's in a hurry to get into the dance. That's fine; we'll catch up inside.

"It just took the right person, Kristy agreed to be my date."

"Is that so?" Miss Lynch's tone isn't as friendly as it was a second ago. Is she worried about me being hurt or that Kristy is playing a game with me?

That's nice of her, but it's also easy to defuse.

"I've been having lunch with the squad and hanging out with them outside of school for a while now."

"John's a total sweetie, I'm glad he asked, but he owes me a dance."

"Enjoy the dance then." Miss Lynch says. There's a good chance she wants to talk to me next week. I'm okay with that. I've missed talking to Miss Lynch.

I'm keeping an eye out for Payton, but I haven't seen her yet. She should be here by now. Layla said that Aunt Pattie was going to drop Payton off ten minutes ago.

Maybe she's still in the line?

Kristy drags me through the throng of bodies to the middle of the gym, just in time for 'A Thousand Years' to start playing, and I shake my head. I guess that playlist I found was accurate.

"Do you want me to lead, John?"

"How about we alternate? I need the practice, but I'll avoid your toes."

"Sounds perfect."

Dancing with Kristy is a bit different than with Hannah, mostly because of her body heat. Still, Kristy is just as skilled, and thankfully, I haven't stumbled other than once.

She hasn't pulled away yet, and another slow song is starting. "Thanks for the dance, Kristy. Are you up for another?"

"I'll lead." I thought I did a good job, but I was the one who suggested we alternate. We're halfway through the song when Kristy leans in and whispers. "Payton just walked in."

The people around us might be busy dancing, but there's no way some of them aren't listening for gossip. "I really hope you like her, but we can find her after this song or in a few minutes."

"John, she's your best friend, I'll love her."

It helps that they've already met and that none of this is real.

As the song ends, Kristy steps away from me, and I reach out and grab her hand, mostly out of habit. Hannah and I usually hold hands; we both find the contact reassuring.

Payton waves as we get close, and I wave back with the hand holding Kristy's.

"Hey, Pay."

"Jay, you look nice. Who's your date?"

"This is Kristy, Kristy. This is Payton. My best friend."

Watching the two of them is like watching a play; I can tell they're acting because they're on stage, but without that knowledge, it would just feel casual, not rehearsed.

Once their pleasantries are done, I jump back in. I have my own lines to read.

"Pay, you're stunning tonight. How did I get lucky enough to have both you and Kristy in my life? Have I told you how gorgeous she looks tonight?"

"You might have, but I doubt she minds a repeat."

"Definitely not, but enough about me. Payton, are you here with anyone?"

She shrugs. "Solo tonight, no one caught my eye."

I'm surprised when Kristy grabs Payton's hand and starts tugging us toward where the rest of the cheerleaders are.

"We can't have that; you're hanging out with us tonight. Girls! This is John's best friend, Payton. So play nice."

Well, so much for subtlety.

Hannah's been circling, beaming at me when she catches my eye. She's thrilled I'm at the dance tonight. It's a shame we can't dance together too often tonight, and only to something fast - in the crowd.

As far as we can tell, Hannah mostly feels like a cool draft to other people, not ice like she does to me.

My best guess is that it's because I can see her, hear her, and touch her. Hannah is just more real to me than everyone else.

A hand reaches out and grabs mine, and I'm surprised to see that it's Layla dragging me away from the girls and up against her as another slow song starts.

I must look confused because Layla says, "Captain's privilege, John. I need to make sure you're treating my girl right."

Yes, this is completely fake, but. "I'm trying." I really am.

"Good, that's the important thing. Mistakes and misunderstandings happen. It's important to own up to them."

"I agree."

Layla gives me a look I can only describe as predatory. "So, you told me how I look and all the other girls, but how about you. How do you look tonight?"

Mom said, handsome, and the girls picked out these clothes for me. So, honestly. "I think I look good."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, I'm really happy with how my hair came out." Hannah did a fantastic job. Wait, why is she shaking her head at me?

"Forfeit," Layla says, and then it's echoed by the rest of the squad, who surrounded us when I was distracted.

What are they talking about?

Payton has her hand covering her mouth, trying not to laugh at me as Layla continues. "You said you would be cute tonight, and here you are, just saying you look nice."

"What's the difference?"

The giggles aren't reassuring.

Kristy grabs my hand pulls me away. "Lets get a drink, John." Once we're away from everyone she shakes her head at me. "You were doing so well, too."

"What was I supposed to do, say I'm cute?"

"To use your own words, duh. Cheerleaders can be hot, slutty or cute and anything in between, but it's how we see ourselves that matters. If you promise cute, you're supposed to be cute."

Really, that was the trick? Hannah set me up! She knows I sometimes take things a little too literally.

"Shoot."

"The forfeit won't be too bad since it's your first, and honestly, you've been a good sport so far."

That is a problem for next week. I'm booked all weekend and have enough on my plate.

"Good to know; what are we drinking, ladies' choice."

"We'll see what Sonia has tonight."

Am I supposed to know who that is? Probably. A lot more people seemed to be aware of me than I expected if Kristy was even in the ballpark earlier.

I assumed they had the canteen open since people were heading into the cafeteria, but apparently not. There are just a few rows of tables and a couple of students manning them.

"Kristy! I thought you'd forgotten all about me tonight." The girl, who must be Sonia, turns to me. "You must be John."

"Nice to meet you, Sonia." Properly, anyway. I recognise her from around the school. I think she's on the student council.

"You're quick, John."

"I have a good teacher." Several of them, really.

"He does, and thankfully, he's a good student. Good looking too, don't you think?"

"Definitely, and lucky you for scooping him up. Everyone is talking about how he asked you out."

They are? I thought the girls were joking about that.

I thought I was invisible here for the last two years, walking through the halls completely unseen, with the exception of Hannah. It makes me really glad that I usually pull out my phone when I speak with her.

"He's adorable, right? I had to say yes." Kristy lets go of my hand long enough to wrap her arm around me. "So, what's your drink of the evening, Sonia?"

"Faux sangria; so really, it's just a sparkling fruit punch for the bubbles. I used blended flavours."

"Great, we'll take two."

It's a good thing I have some cash on me. I wasn't expecting to spend any money tonight; foolish of me, I suppose, but I've never gone to one of our dances before.

"Thanks." Exchanging money for the drinks only takes a second, and Sonia looks a little shy. Did I brush her fingers when I took the drinks?

"Hey, Kristy. I'm only working the table for another half hour, and umm."

Something is going on, but I am utterly lost.

"Oh, for sure, hon. No worries, I'm not usually the jealous sort. Come find us." Kristy squeezes me, and I smile at her. "Let's get back, John. Your dance card is filling up."

"Bye."

We're almost back at the gym when I decide to get some answers. There aren't many private places, especially tonight, but it's easy enough to find an alcove to duck into.

"What was that, exactly?"

"People are going to think we're making out over here."

I can't exactly put on the lipgloss with this many eyes on us, but that doesn't matter. "Stop trying to distract me. You know I'm new to all this; what was that with Sonia other than showing me off?"

"You're learning really quickly; I'm impressed." Kristy glances around and smiles. "She wants to dance with you; your stock is rising—Sonia wants to ride along to the top."

How many times could I slam my head into the wall before someone stops me? At least five, right?

I’ll keep that idea in my backpocket.

"Sure, why not."

"She's sweet, and you would be a good match. Assuming one of the other girls doesn't snatch you up."

I'm single, and my former thoughts about Payton aside, I really don't know what I even want in a partner. Not a guy; doesn't exactly narrow it down.

Sure, lots of people seem happy with guys, but they don't do anything for me personally.

Once I've fully unpacked my feelings about Payton, I'll be able to move on. Yes, I've accepted it was never a crush, but it still feels like one.

Everything right now with Kristy is training wheels; there's pressure, sure. Enough that it sometimes makes me feel like my head is going to explode, but at least right now, I don't need to worry about hurt feelings from either of us.

"What if I'm happy with where I am right now?"

Kristy's playing with her hair and almost yanks her fingers away suddenly. "Take me back to dance."

***

For some reason, Kristy has been keeping me to herself once we got back to the dance floor. A couple of squad members have tried to cut in, but she moves us away from them.

I'm not sure why, and the girls all seem more amused than anything.

Hannah's been nearby, inching close when something faster has played, and I somewhat awkwardly managed to include her, and speaking of my friends.

"Kristy, after this song, do you mind if I grab Payton for the dance I owe her?" Especially because it's close to when Sonia said she would be free, and I'm not dancing with another stranger before I dance with my best friend.

Payton looks like she's having a good time with the squad and fitting in, and that's great, especially since that's why we're even doing this, but I'm spending less time with Payton tonight than I expected, a lot less.

How can I miss someone who's only a couple of feet away?

"I need to talk to Layla, anyway." Kristy's voice quivers slightly, and that makes me stop dead. I haven't known her for very long, and most of that time has been Kristy teasing me, but she's always sounded self-assured.

What changed?

Maybe it's inappropriate, maybe it's prying, but I pull Kristy into a hug and lean close to her ear. "Are you okay?"

Kristy goes completely stiff, and then the song ends. She pulls away from me completely and all but runs over to Layla, and then they're both vanishing towards the restrooms.

Did I do something wrong?

The squad is looking at me, and before anyone says anything or I can even think of going after Layla and Kristy, Payton is standing in front of me.

Hannah catches my eye and says. "I'll go check on her; you were fine, John. Trust me."

"Hi, Jay."

"Hey, Pay."

Wow, this is awkward.

It shouldn't be. I just have this gnawing feeling that I did something wrong, but I don't know what.

"You owe me a dance."

Extending my hand to Payton is the easiest thing I've done all night; it's as natural as breathing, and I laugh when we instantly stumble because we both try to lead.

"Please, Pay. Go ahead."

Let's try this again.

"You've improved, Jay. I had wondered."

A crash course will do that, but Hannah is a fantastic teacher. She vanished at some point, too, after Layla and Kristy. If anyone can tell me what's going on, it's her.

I just can't figure out what I did wrong. Everything was fine, and then she wasn't.

What did I do?!

Sure, Hannah said I was fine but that can't be true. It has to have been me. Maybe Payton can tell me?

"I know it's probably 'girl stuff', but did I do something to upset Kristy? I don't really understand what just happened, and I really think I should go find her, apologize or something."

Payton glances around and smiles at me after a minute. I guess there isn't anyone close enough to overhear us. "Still so sweet; what did you say to her before she ran off?"

That's the obvious question, but it doesn't actually help. "Kristy was acting a little strange, so I asked if she was okay."

"Hmm, I don't know, I really don't know. Sorry."

"It's fine; whatever I did, I'll make it up to Kristy somehow."

"John, just because something bothered her doesn't mean you did something wrong."

"It had to be me, I always ruin everything." My voice is harsher than I expected, but I've been carrying around a lot of self-hatred for years now.

Having Payton back is a dream come true, but she left because of me once, and she'll do it again because somehow I push people away from me.

I mess things up, even when I'm trying to help.

Her voice is really quiet when Payton says. "John, it was never you."

The evidence says otherwise, and I really need to get out of here before I start to cry. My eyes are itching, and the headache is already starting.

"Thanks for the dance, Pay, but I'm just going to head home. Let everyone have fun without me. Before I make things worse."

Hannah will be disappointed if we don't go to the mall tomorrow, but I really just want to lie in bed with the covers over me and not move.

"No, no running away for either of us, not again." Payton starts walking out of the gym, and I'm caught in her wake as she tugs me behind her. She's clenching my hand so hard that it hurts, but the pain is a good distraction right now.

Technically, we're not supposed to wander around the school tonight. Still, Payton doesn't seem worried about that as she all but drags me down the hall and into the girl's locker room.

I really hope no one saw that because the last thing I need is more questions.

"Sit."

"Pay, just let me go."

"We're having this talk if I have to sit on you, and I always win when we wrestle. So sit down."

It's been years since we did that, and yes, she always wins, but that doesn't mean Payton would tonight. I just don't have the energy to fight back, so I sit.

"First of all, you're an idiot. You're my best friend, and I love you, Jay, but you're an idiot. Have you spent the last few years blaming yourself for me pulling away?"

Every day, and a lot of nights.

"What else could it have been?"

"Jay, I'm sorry. God, you have no idea how sorry I am."

"She's right, John. It wasn't you then, and it wasn't you tonight," Layla says suddenly. When I glance over, she and Kristy are standing nearby. Hannah makes herself known by walking into view. She can't touch me right now with Payton in my lap, but I know Hannah's on my side.

I didn't hear the door open. Have they been here the whole time?

Kristy has her arms wrapped around herself, with Layla leaning against her.

"What is it then? Because I really feel like it's me." I'm the only common denominator; I'm at fault. I hurt people even when I don't mean to. "Maybe I should have killed myself."

"What the fuck did you just say?"

I didn't mean to say that out loud, and now everyone's just staring at me.

"Let it go, Pay."

"I'm absolutely not going to fucking let it go; I would have been devastated, and your Mom. I wouldn't have been able to look at her again."

"Well, what was I supposed to do? My best friend, my only friend, came back from camp and wouldn't open the door. I didn't know how to make new friends; it was always you and me. Kristy said some people thought I was cool, but I was miserable."

Hannah already knows a lot about this; she probably knows everyone at school. It isn't like she had anything else to occupy herself with since her death.

Learning gossip helped her get through the days before we met, and it isn't like she hasn't interrogated me a few times over the last year, especially when I get quiet.

"I was a baby lesbian, Jay, I was so confused, and camp is where I met Layla and where I had my first kiss. You were the only boy I ever thought about, and I needed the space to figure myself out. I didn't want to hurt you; I absolutely didn't want you to die!"

And then Payton is crying in my arms—good job. That's the opposite of what I wanted.

"I didn't have a plan or anything, and Mom is why I didn't, but I thought about it. It's been a long time, though, over a year." Until a minute ago, but I'm going to ignore that.

And Hannah, of course. She's had such a huge impact on my life, but that isn't something I can discuss right now.

"It's complicated, John, but honestly, it's really simple, too. Payton's a lesbian, I'm a lesbian, and Kristy is a lesbian, and you're cute, and you're kind, and some small part of us sometimes says. 'Maybe that boy'. It's confusing."

I knew about Payton and Layla, obviously, but I didn't have any idea about Kristy.

"And sometimes, you're in a corner, and flirting and having fun - because that's all it is, fun. Nothing serious, at least it wasn't supposed to be."

"That's why I picked Kristy; she could hang around with you without other complications. You’re different."

Different from the other boys, it isn't the first time I've heard it. Usually whispered, but it's been a pretty common refrain. My ego isn't big enough for me to actually think it's me. The girls see me as safe. There's no actual attraction there.

"Jay," Payton says, clutching me tightly. "Promise me you'll never hurt yourself, not because of me."

"I promise." Because there's nothing else I can say and because it isn't something I want to do. I'm not even sure what happened. Tonight has been stressful but fun, but my mood dropped, and then I just hated myself.

It's weird.

"John, you need to get back to the dance. Sonia will be looking for you, and that attention isn't something we need right now. We're going to fix our make-up, and we'll be back ourselves." Layla stares at me, and it's a little intimidating. "We're not done with this conversation, any of it."

Going back to the dance is the absolute last thing that I want to do right now, but I'm not going to let all of this effort be for nothing.

Payton starts to slip off me, but I hug her tightly, just for a minute, and then I let her go. I almost stumble when I stand; my legs feel unsteady.

"John, I'll stay here with the girls and make sure they're okay. Please take care of yourself, and we can talk more tonight." Hannah says, and that's appreciated. I'll be able to relax more, knowing that Hannah will fill me in later.

Thanks, Hannah. I might not be able to say it out loud, but Hannah smiled at me, so my meaning was at least clear.

Layla and Kristy are watching me, and I linger close to them before they both pull me into a quick hug. I wasn't sure if I should, but I'm glad they did.

"See you soon."

No one sees me leave the locker room, and Sonia isn't at her table when I head there. It's closed, so she must be somewhere in the gym.

Now, where is the rest of the squad?

"Trying to avoid me?"

"Sonia, hi. I was just looking for you. When I saw your table was closed, I figured we missed one another."

"Where's your girl?"

It's probably best to be honest here without giving too much away.

"Touching up her make-up. So your window is shrinking."

"My, my, John. I didn't know you had it in you." Sonia grins at me before she pulls me up against her. I've mostly been dancing with the group or slow dancing.

I didn't expect Sonia to start grinding against me. Hannah taught me how to dance like this, mostly. Sonia's being touchier than I expected.

Thankfully, the song ends before Sonia's hands wander too much, and then something slow starts. There's still no sign of the girls, and that's probably for the best because Sonia wants another dance.

Two is two too many, though, and once the second song ends, I step back. "Thanks for the dances, Sonia."

"No, thank you. Your girlfriend just walked in."

Perfect timing, then.

Kristy is alone, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, especially since Hannah didn't come with her, but I can only handle one problem at a time, and right now, it's her.

I swear half of the gym is watching me as I cross the distance between us and extend my left hand.

"Hey. Dance with me?" And then Kristy is in my arms, and then we're dancing, one song after the other, until someone starts to dim the lights.

***

We're sitting in Kristy's car, waiting until the parking lot is less of a mess. Hannah is watching me with concern—both of us, really.

It would have looked too weird for me to leave without Kristy, so we're both just sitting here, awkwardly.

"I can walk home once enough people leave."

"Give me your phone."

Okay then.

Kristy makes a show of turning mine off and then her own and tossing them in the back seat.

"There, privacy. No one can bother us. Do you have a curfew?"

"No, Mom and Dad already went to bed." Mom texted me about it a little while ago.

"Do you want a burger? I kind of want a burger." Kristy sounds nervous, and it makes my skin crawl.

Hannah can tell because she starts running her fingers down my arms. It's pleasant and a welcome distraction.

"John, You didn't do anything wrong, trust me. Kristy isn't scared of you. Payton and Layla are fine—nothing bad is happening there. There is no need to rush home tonight and check your phone. They aren't going to kick you out of the groups or stop talking to you."

"Sure, thanks."

I half expected her to pull into the burger place conveniently across from the school. Still, Kristy drives almost across town and, conveniently enough, completely out of our school district. Far away from anyone who should know us.

I half expected a fast-food place. Kristy takes us to Rita's. I've never heard of it, and probably for good reason. It's deserted.

Well, mostly. "Krissy!"

"Hey, Aunt Rita."

Well, that explains why we're here.

"And who do we have here?"

Hannah's hand is stuffed into her mouth to muffle her laughter; she clearly knows something about what's going on.

"Good evening, Ma'am, I'm John."

"Go find a booth, and I can get you some menus unless you already know what you want. This one." Rita points to Kristy. "Usually has her mind made up in advance."

Isn't that the truth?

"We're here for your burgers, so two number 3's."

"Any allergies?"

"No, Ma'am."

"Well, aren't you polite? I see you finally found yourself a nice boy, Krissy, finally."

"We'll be in booth 9!" And then Kristy drags me off.

I really want to be in bed right now; I was hoping to go home, dance with Hannah and sleep. Tonight was exhausting and in unexpected ways. I was way too honest in the locker room. Kristy deserves an apology anyway; there's no better time to get started.

"Sorry about tonight, all of it. I hope it didn't ruin anything for you." Or Layla or Payton. Reassurances aside, I'm really anxious.

"John, like Payton said you're an idiot." We reach a booth, and Kristy shoves me into it and sits beside me, trapping me inside with her body. "I had a great time tonight, and I learned a lot. Did you learn anything?"

A lot of things, but the most important thing is that "Sonia is surprisingly handsy."

"Is that so?" Kristy looks like she's trying to keep herself from bursting into laughter, and that's when everything clicks.

"You set me up!"

"Yes, and honestly, I'm sorry about that. It was part of the plan before everything else happened. Sonia would get handsy, and I would intervene."

"And that bit about Sonia being 'sweet and a good match'?"

"I was trying to get you relaxed. I really am sorry." Kristy glances over towards the counter, presumably looking for Rita, but I can't see around Kristy.

What the hell is all this? Kristy could have taken me home, and things would have been fine. Okay, that's a lie. Hannah would have been helping me half the night, and I would have been miserable.

Tomorrow is going to be miserable, too, at least for dinner. Especially if tonight is any indication.

"Kristy, I'm tired. I honestly want to go home and maybe cry for a bit. Payton is probably blowing up my phone. So tell me, honestly, why did you bring me here?"

There's a shuffle of feet, and then Rita comes over with really good-smelling food. Two burgers and a basket of fries. "Here you go, enjoy."

"Thanks, Aunt Rita."

"Yes, thank you." I skipped dinner to get ready for the dance, and that probably isn't helping my mood.

"Eat your burger, and I'll explain. You have a minor tremor in your hands that tells me you haven't eaten since lunch."

Athletes are apparently pretty observant. Some of it is raw nerves; mine are exposed right now. Otherwise, I wouldn't have admitted to wanting to cry.

"So, I'm not out, but most people assume I'm gay. Tonight, all this week really was a shell game. Layla's parents wouldn't want her to be friends with me if they found out. We've been pushing you hard, and it was shitty." Kristy looks over at her Aunt before she sighs. "I was focused on Layla, not you. The things you said tonight in the locker room. How close?"

"I don't really know. I stayed in bed a few times, and being asleep was better than existing. I met Hannah online last year, and she helps a lot."

It isn't like I can say that Hannah's a ghost; online can mean she could be in any English-speaking country, at the minimum. The perfect reason to never introduce her to the girls.

"You helped me too, John, and I'm sorry I wasn't with you tonight. We were at the dance, and I was having fun; I should have been with you more. Bad habits, old bad habits."

Hannah has wanted me to go to a dance for ages, but I'm not sure if she usually goes without me. It isn't something we've discussed, but Hannah doesn't need to be tied to my hip, either.
Besides, Hannah was with me plenty.

I can't talk to Hannah, not with Kristy sitting beside me, but I can address both girls. To Kristy, it probably looks like I'm just resting my hand on the table, but in reality, it's cupping Hannah's hand.

"I blamed myself for Payton leaving. Having Hannah to talk to has been precious to me. She quiets those kinds of thoughts. Earlier tonight, they overwhelmed me. I was sure I did something to upset you, to drive you away, Kristy."

It was too similar to when Payton left; I thought we were fine, but then we weren't. Kristy was clearly upset tonight, and she only interacted with me.

What else could it have been, other than me?

"Can we start over?" Kristy blurts out, loudly enough that I jump.

"What?"

"You and me, fresh start. No mean girl, no expectations. Just us."

Hannah reaches across the table and steals one of my fries, but that's mainly to grab my attention. Hannah has an echo of my burger; she must have grabbed it when I was distracted.

"Tonight was a lot; Jay and I obviously missed something big at the dance, but give Kristy a chance here. She's been a little plastic this week, but that's out of worry for Layla."

That's what I get for understanding a Mean Girls reference with Hannah nearby, but it's apt.

My emotions are all over the place, and it wouldn't be fair to take them out on Kristy. Yes, she's been contributing to some of my problems, but I'm just as much at fault.

The real question is, what am I going to do here?

Kristy is a lot of fun, and really, that's probably all that matters.

"You're trying to protect Layla; she's been your priority. I get it. I would do the same for Payton. I was a nobody until I looked useful, but you needed to keep me on a short leash." Kristy looks like she might interrupt, but I wave her off. "The thing is, none of that matters to me. Payton's back in my life, and she told me it wasn't my fault. You and me, we don't need to start over; I like the girl I've met."

"Thank you." Kristy says, and the smile she gives me that's worth everything I've dealt with tonight.

Maybe some nice icebreakers so I can get to know Kristy properly. "So, favourite colour?"

We can go slow and see how things develop. We're never going to date, but Kristy, this Kristy, is someone I'm happy to be friends with.