My phone beeps, and I glance at it. Kristy's watching me carefully. She doesn't seem afraid of me, so that's good. I haven't yelled, but I did admit to wanting to.

I don't want Kristy to be scared of me.

It looks like Penelope emailed me back; that's good, I guess. I know it's necessary, but I'm nervous. Therapy is a big deal, and I want to take it seriously. I have so many other things to talk to her about now. She even has an opening this week that she scheduled me for.

When we both hear the front door open, Kristy opens her mouth to say something; Mom's voice comes through a minute later. "John, I'm home!" She's worried; it's clear in her voice.

Mom's upset, and it's my fault. She's here now, and Kristy and I need to talk to her.

Could Kristy be right?

"We're in..." My stomach rebels; the weight that's been sitting there suddenly scorches my throat. I only see something akin to shock on Kristy's face as I bolt out of the living room and directly into the powder room.

I barely make it to the toilet before I start to throw up; hands are brushing back my hair and pulling it up behind my head a moment later, and a scrunchie or something pulls my hair into a bun.

"Easy, John." It's Kristy, I was pretty sure it was. Mom would have been too far away to get here that quickly.

"John, Kristy, where are you?"

I can't talk for a few reasons, but I'm really glad this is happening before lunch and not afterwards.

Thankfully, Kristy has no such problem.

"Powder room, Diane. Can you bring some water?"

That's really nice of Kristy. My stomach seems to be settling down, and whatever bout of nausea I had is passing. 

"Here's your water." There's a pause before Mom says. "John. Are you alright?!" I guess Mom thought Kristy was the only one of us in here or the one having problems, not me. That makes sense, but it seems a little odd.

I haven't turned to look at Mom; just hearing her voice has me tense.

Why am I reacting like this?

"Sip this," Kristy says as she passes the glass over. If the water isn't the best thing I've ever tasted, it's close and not just because it's letting me rinse my mouth. "Jay's okay; we'll explain in a few minutes."

That's optimistic of Kristy. Right now, I don't know how I should feel; if I don't throw up again, I'll take it as a victory. Mom and Kristy can talk while I let the water work its magic.

"You seem pretty practised at this, Kristy." Mom's voice is a little wry.

"Some of the girls have bad enough cramps that they throw up; helping pull someone's hair back and getting them a drink is old hat."

"I could have got something other than pizza if I had known you were sick, John."

If I had known I was going to throw up, I would have suggested something different. The worst thing is, the pizza still sounds good; I just don't know if it's a good idea.

"He isn't, not exactly. I think it was a stress response, and before you ask, no, I'm not pregnant; like Jay told you, we haven't even kissed." Barely, but still true.

"You seem to have things well in hand. Let me grab a few things from my car, and I'll be right back." I can tell Mom's stifling a laugh, and it's probably from Kristy's clarification.

I hear Mom's footsteps getting further away from us, and only then do I turn and look at Kristy. "Thanks for everything."

"There's literally nowhere else I want to be right now; I'm going to give you a minute to compose yourself; you should wash your face at minimum. We'll be in the living room, okay?"

"I will, thanks."

The bathroom feels worse with Kristy gone, and it isn't the solitude; it's her. I miss her when she's gone; I'm such an idiot. How long would it take for Mom and Kristy to realize that I've snuck out, and just how far could I get? Probably not even out the front door, but I might. Isn't that glimmer of hope worth the attempt? It isn't. It would just make things worse.

Standing, though, would be good; maybe I should have asked Kristy to stay. My legs feel like I've never stood on them before, like a baby deer—no, a doe. I giggle.

Yeah, I'm just fine.

There's only one thing I'm sure of, and that's skipping the pizza, but I wouldn't mind more water. Especially since I want to brush my teeth. Unfortunately, my toothbrush is upstairs.

Kristy catches my eye but doesn't stop talking with Mom as I walk past the living room and start my slow journey up the stairs. She and Mom can manage without me for a few more minutes.

I shouldn't feel this winded just walking up the stairs, but I'm glad there's a rail I can cling to.

My bed is almost calling out to me, and curling up under the blankets is incredibly tempting, so tempting that I run my fingers across Hannah's comforter.

I wish she were here; Hannah's presence always makes me feel better. Hopefully, she'll be here soon; Hannah will find out from the squad or from Payton when I don't show up for art, and Mr Brown asks where I am.

Kristy and Mom are waiting; I really have to get moving, even if I want to do anything but.

Following Kristy's instructions is easier than trying to think for myself right now, so I'll just do that. Washing my face surprisingly helps; it's probably the hot water, but regardless, I'm feeling more energized enough that I can brush my teeth without it being a complete chore.

After sparing my bed one last lingering look, I make my way back downstairs. Mom and Kristy are talking; I can hear them, even if I'm less sure of their content.

They're involved enough that they don't notice me right away, but when there's a pause, I make myself known. "Sorry about that."

"John! Jesus, wear a bell." Kristy jumps, and Mom laughs; we're both horrible for surprising Dad; we walk too quietly. It takes a conscious effort to make noise when I walk, but here at home, I usually relax.

"Sorry, bad habit. Did you two eat?"

Two head shakes and Mom says. "We were waiting on you; how are you feeling?"

=

"A little dizzy, the nausea hit me suddenly, but I'm doing okay."

I think.

I hope.

Why did I react like that to Mom's voice?

I really wish I knew.

Mom moves off the couch and touches my forehead; I don't feel warm. Other than frowning a little, she nods. "You're getting your colour back. Did you want to try food?" 

There's even less in my stomach than there was a half hour ago; food is worth a shot.

"If the smell doesn't bother me, I'm going to try a slice." If it does, I'll probably go upstairs and nap. Mom and Kristy can have this talk without me; this discussion is about her suspicions, after all, not mine.

"Your Mom was just asking me about food for this weekend while we waited; it's been a pretty light conversation." Unfortunately, Kristy wants me to be present for the big conversation.

It isn't fair of me to want to shift all of this responsibility onto her, but that's how I'm feeling currently.

"We had a bit of a back and forth, but let's eat the pizza while it's still hot, and we can talk."

Sure, why not.

It's just pizza with Mom and Kristy, something I would have probably been a little embarrassed about a few hours ago, but enjoyed.

Whatever else this afternoon brings, or anything after that, things are going to change, and possibly in ways I can't predict or want.

What I can't do, what I don't want to do is let fear stop me from enjoying something I otherwise would.

"Yeah, that sounds nice."

 

***

 

One piece of pizza and an awful lot of small talk later, it's probably time to have the big conversation. Especially since both Mom and Kristy are looking at me expectantly.

Wonderful.

I could use an interruption, but classes haven't let out yet. Payton and Layla will be here before too long and probably far too late.

"So..."

Kristy takes my hand and smiles at me. Mom's practically beaming at us from the other side of the couch. I can tell she's itching to pull out her camera and take photos of us leaning up against one another.

We probably look cute together.

"John, I can start if you want."

I want, so desperately want that, but it wouldn't be fair to Kristy.

"Let me start, and you can jump in with the salient details. So, Kristy and I are friends, and we have gone on dates, but we haven't been entirely honest with you either."

Kristy's grip on my hand tightens, and she stares at me with what I think is disbelief. "Okay, I'm taking over. You're terrible at this." She rolls her eyes. "Sorry about him, Diane."

"It's quite alright, I'm used to it."

Wow, Mom, way to be on my side, but fine. Maybe I was doing a bad job.

"So, Layla's my best friend. I'm fully aware that you know all about her relationship with Payton. Jay and Payton's reconnecting provided us with a good opportunity to allow Layla and Payton to spend time together in public without any suspicions if Jay was in good with the cheerleaders, me specifically."

"Are you not dating? You both look so comfortable together, cute too." Mom sounds disappointed, and I wince.

"That's where things get a little complicated. I'm a lesbian, without any doubt, except I've enjoyed my time with Jay way more than I ever expected. Enough, I started to get confused."

I'm going to jump back in. "I like Kristy a lot, even knowing she's gay, and she's my friend and becoming a better one by the day, but I've been tempted to kiss her, and today, I almost did."

"We both did." Kristy's scowling at me. "And it's been a repeating thing that I'm drawn to Jay. So, I've been doing the usual things; maybe I'm bi, that kind of thing, except that isn't the case."

Mom has always been one of the smartest people I've ever known, and right now, she's glancing between Kristy and me while looking thoughtful. Even so, every bit of breath in my body rushes into the room when Mom says. "So you think I might actually have a daughter."

Daughter, huh.

Something about that makes me feel warm, starting in the centre of my chest and blossoming outward. Daughter feels good in a way I didn't know a word could feel.

Kristy turns to look at me, and Mom looks at me fondly. Only then I realise that I giggled.

"Jay?"

"Sorry, did you say something?"

They're both looking at me and then glance immediately at one another. 

"I told your Mom that I brought the theory up; she wanted your thoughts." Did she? I didn't hear any of that, and I was far too distracted by my own thoughts.

Confused at best, but not angry. I should be furious that we're even discussing this, shouldn't I? Why am I just sitting here feeling happy?

"I don't know. I never really thought about it." Not before today, and now there's little else I can think about.

Mom and Kristy exchange another look. "John, you're smiling. Genuinely, you have been for a few minutes."

Huh, I suppose I am. I hadn't noticed. Kristy's fingers are dancing across my palm, and the contact is almost freeing.

"I really don't know how to feel right now; I should be upset; this should sound crazy, but I don't mind it either." Could all my depression and self-hatred from the past few years have such a simple answer? It seems impossible. It also makes me feel guilty and causes an entirely different flash of self-hatred; it's an uncomfortable heat.

As much as I missed Payton since our separation, a small part of me blamed her for my problems; she left, and things got worse. It wasn't rational, but it helped.

It's one of the very few things that I hope Payton never learns.

"So what do you want to do?" I love that Mom asked, but I don't have the slightest idea.

Kristy tenses before she says. "I am sorry that I put this on you both, but it's been keeping me up all weekend." She did look a little tired this morning, and now I'm frowning at her. 

"So, right before you got home, Penelope emailed me back. We're going to have a session on Friday at her office. I think I'll bring this up to her and see if there's some kind of test."

That makes sense to me if I am trans or whatever; Penelope can either tell me herself or direct me to someone who can.

That sounds reasonable; at least, I thought it did, but Kristy is snickering, and her shoulders are shaking. Mom looks like she's stifling a laugh of her own.

What?

"John, there's no test." Mom finally says, well, that's incredibly unhelpful. 

Why isn't there a test?

"What do you mean?" There are diagnoses, so a test makes sense. It should be easy; you talk to a doctor or someone, and they wave a scanner or something, and it beeps. Beep for trans, bing for not, simple.

"Your Mom is right; there's no definitive test, Jay."

That's so dumb, but at the same time, maybe it's a good thing there isn't a test. There are a lot of people out there who would use it for horrible things.

I'd still like the confirmation.

"Jay, come over here." Kristy squeezes our connected hands before she lets go, and I move closer to Mom, who immediately wraps her arms around me in a tight hug. "Whatever you decide, We'll support you; you can always try it out and see what you think."

Try it out?

What's Mom talking about? 

"Sorry, I'm confused." More confused. Today has been a continuing series of confusion, and I don't think that's going to change any time soon.

"Talking to Penelope is smart; I'm proud of you for that choice, but there are other things you can do. Clothes aren't reflective of your gender, but they are gendered. You could try it here, in the privacy of our home in the evenings or on weekends."

"Yes!" Kristy screams loudly enough. I pull out of Mom's hug to make sure she's okay. Kristy just looks embarrassed. "Sorry, but that is an amazing idea."

Try it?

You can just do that?

Huh.

"I guess there's no harm in trying; it's just clothes."

It would be easy enough to go to the mall and grab a few things.

Kristy seems to be bouncing in place. "Diane, thank you for being so accepting of this. I was worried about how Jay would take this conversation and your reaction, and you've made it so easy for us both."

"I love my child without reservation."

That means so much to me. Mom's support and love have never been conditional, but I've been worried that it might be all afternoon. Layla's parents just amplified those concerns.

"Th…thanks, Mom."

"I want to steal Jay for a few minutes. Would you mind?" Kristy wants to what? And why?

There's a bit of a knowing look on Mom's face, but I'm entirely lost when she says. "Came prepared, did you?"

"Just in case. Always be prepared."

I thought the cheer was 'be aggressive', not 'be prepared', but maybe Scar had the right idea because that's something I really need to figure out. I'm too reactive, especially right now. It's going to be a few days before I see Penelope, but there's probably research I can do in the meantime.

Kristy must have researched this a little; I can probably get a list of resources directly from her.

"John, I'll make you some tea while you're gone, Kristy. Would you like anything else?"

"Just water, thank you." Kristy slips to her feet and grins at me. "Come with me." She seems way too entertained, but so far, Kristy hasn't steered me wrong.

"We'll be back soon, Mom. Thank you."

It's so easy to grab Kristy's hand; I'm noticing it more and more. Almost natural to reach out and take it when she's nearby, and the moment she's in range, I take her hand in mine and squeeze. "So, where to?"

"Upstairs." My bedroom, then. The basement is closer, but it's easy enough to follow Kristy. She has something in mind, and Mom has an idea of what it could be, so it can't be bad. As soon as we reach my bedroom, Kristy grabs her bag and pulls me into the bathroom.

"Sorry, what's going on?"

"Your Mom is amazing, Jay. Just wow, this was in my back pocket, but she brought it up! Wow." Kristy reaches into the bag and starts pulling out clothes until a familiar blouse comes into view.

Wait, is Kristy suggesting I start the trial now?

That seems scary, but is there any benefit to waiting?

"So yeah, I was doing a lot of shopping for you on the side. Worst case, I had other girls I could give the clothes to. There's that blouse you picked out and a skirt, so I'm starting you out simple."

Simple, yeah right.

Clothes aren't a big deal; I need to stop making them out to be.

I already agreed to do it; why make a fuss?

"Kristy, thanks. This is scary, but you know that, and Mom, having her on my side, even as an exploratory thing, that's so amazing."

She seems a little nervous, I can see her empty hand twitching towards her hair. "You're taking this better than I had hoped; your Mom is, too. You have no idea how happy I am for you. How thankful I am that this didn't affect our friendship; if today went poorly, it might have."

Kristy seems to value my friendship more than I thought, despite how new it is. At the same time, she admitted to having a crush on this theoretical girl version of me. She has an invested interest in the outcome but not a selfish one.

"I should do this before I make excuses not to." 

"You should; if you have any problems, let me know."

The clothes don't seem too complicated, but it's good to know that Kristy's willing to help if I run into a problem. I'm thankful for the offer of help, but I'm even more thankful that she's giving me a little time alone and walks out of the bathroom to give it to me.

"I will."  

There's no timer, but I'm fully aware that if I delay at all, I'll keep delaying, and sooner or later, Kristy will knock if I do. 

Hmm, I'm frowning at the clothes. They're new and clean, and I'm kind of a mess. Yes, I showered at school, but even before I threw up, I've been under a lot of stress.

Yeah, maybe it would be a good idea to shower. This isn't delaying; it's being practical.

Just a quick shower.

It's the right decision.

The shower is quick, and I feel better afterwards, which, if nothing else, justifies the decision, even retroactively. The blouse is straightforward to put on; I don't even fumble with the buttons. The skirt is mostly like putting on shorts; nothing too usual there. It feels a little different.

Nice though.

I'm staring at the lipgloss Kristy gave me at the dance. Yes, I've been wearing it a lot the past few days without thinking about it, but right now, I am thinking about it a lot. 

Wearing it for Kristy to sell our story, or being tired and grabbing it, is one thing, but deliberately applying it when I'm wearing a blouse and a skirt feels different, even if that's a little silly.

I kind of like how it looks though.

There's a knock on the door before Kristy says. "Can I come in?"

"Sure. I'm dressed." My hair is a bit of a mess but not too bad, no worse than earlier in the locker room, so I'm surprised when Kristy stops dead and stares at me hard.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

I can just get undressed and go back downstairs; experiment tried and ruled a failure, done. My eyes are itching.

Stupid.

I must look horrible for Kristy to be stunned into silence.

"God, you're pretty."

What?

Was Kristy staring for another reason?

"I don't look bad?"

"Like I hoped, Jay. No, better." There's a sense of wonder in her voice, and I rub my eyes, at least until Kristy takes my hands in hers. "I'm sorry you thought I was having a negative reaction; I was stunned. Don't be ashamed of how you look."

"Do I really look good?"

Why does that even matter to me?

"Totally, but you're a bit messy. Do you want me to do your hair again?"

I loved how it felt earlier, and having Kristy do it again sounds amazing. "That would be great." However, unlike the locker room, there's no place that isn’t awkward to sit on in the bathroom. "Let me put on the lipgloss, and we can go back to the bedroom."

"For sure." Kristy is watching me intently as I apply the lipgloss. I think she's blushing a little, and I know I am from how she's looking at me. The familiar tingle is a welcome distraction.

What a pair.

Once I'm done, we head back into the bedroom and climb up onto my bed, and I quickly lose time again as Kristy works her magic on my hair. 

"Back with me?"

"Did I fall asleep?" I feel a bit rested, definitely post-sleep confusion.

Kristy shrugs. "Maybe; I think you were dozing, though, feeling floaty?"

Totally.

"Yeah, thanks. We should get back downstairs. Mom's waiting." And my tea is going to get cold before too long. Assuming Mom made it already, she might have waited until after the shower turned off.

"In a minute, I just wanted to say thank you for hearing me out, for trying. It means a lot, Jay."

"Sticking with Jay, now?"

I don't mind. I told her and Caroline that during tutoring, but Kristy stuck to my name until today, and she hasn't slipped back since we talked earlier.

"It feels right, until, if, you choose something else."

Jay is better than John, when I'm dressed like this. I think, anyway, this is all so new, but it feels better, and really, isn't that what matters?

I think it is.

"Thanks, let's go see Mom." I intentionally take Kristy's hand because it's what I want to do—to be with her. It's an easy choice.

We're just reaching the bottom of the stairs when Kristy pauses. "I forgot something in the room. Can you give me a second?"

"I'll wait for you."

I wonder what she forgot? I'll probably find out in a minute there's no reason to speculate.

The doorbell rings, and I walk over to open it. I'm right here. It's only as the door swings open, as I see both Payton and Layla staring at me and Kristy's voice coming from behind me, that I consciously remember just what I'm wearing.

Shit.

"Hi, come in." And quickly, the girls are one thing. I don't want the neighbours to see me, not now at least. Who knows about later.

Idiot, that could have been anyone and who knows what might have happened. My skin feels like it's crawling, like the itching sensation from the past few days is a hundred times worse.

Payton throws herself into my arms while Layla shuts the door behind her and then pulls Kristy into a hug herself.

"You look great, Jay. When did this happen?"

Not a bad first question.

"Just now, Mom suggested it, and Kristy came prepared."

Naturally, Payton and Layla both laugh.

"Pay's right, you look good, but how does it feel?"

"Different, but not bad, either. Kind of nice."

"We have your homework, Jay. I stopped at the office to grab it. Pay has yours from art, and Denise from your history class grabbed it for you."

Oh, that's really nice, but. "What about Kristy?" The three girls exchange a look before they all laugh. "Taken care of, it’s a team privilege. The school doesn't even know she skipped." Lucky. Wait, does that apply to me now, too? Huh.

"Thank you both, I'll have to thank Denise tomorrow."

All the important women in my life are here except Hannah. Hopefully, she's on the way. If she started walking right at the bell, she should be here in a few minutes. That's enough time to get the girls settled.

I can't wait to see Hannah.

"Girls, I'm in the kitchen."

Oh right! Mom's waiting. Whoops.

We're just entering the kitchen when I realise Mom said girls, and nothing else, no exception, not tacked on, just girls. I really like that.

"Hi, Aunt Diane."

"Hello Payton. Now, where's my daughter?" I get another thrill from the word daughter. Mom glances over at Layla first before she looks back at me, almost in shock. "Come here." Did Mom just pick the first brunette she saw?

Probably.

I saw myself in the mirror; I looked like me in a blouse. Kristy nudges me forward, and I do, but not before I smile at her.

"Hi, Mom." 

"Sweetie, you look great, but how do you feel?"

Everyone's looking at me; it's almost like all the air in the room has been sucked out from the anticipation of what I'm going to say.

"Good, I mean, they're just clothes." I gesture at myself. "I think I look nice. I don't feel bad about them or anything."  

"And your hair?" Payton says; she keeps looking at Layla before she turns her attention back to me. It's cute. Now that Pay's somewhere private, she doesn't need to hide her feelings.

It's adorable.

"Kristy did it, I haven't seen it yet." I'm sure it looks good, though. "So, can we stop focusing on me? I'm feeling okay, but you're all watching me, and I feel like I'm on display."

The attention is nice, and I was expecting the girls after school, but I feel overwhelmed. I want to understand this whole thing without being stared at, pushed or pulled in one direction or another. 

I might be putting on a brave face right now, and Mom's reaction has been incredibly gratifying, but at the end of it all, I don't even know if this is something I want or if I'm even trans.

Four hours ago, what I'm doing right now would have been unthinkable. I'm glad I am, but I need time.

So much time.

"Actually, that's an excellent idea. Your tea is getting cold." Mom claps her hands gently. "Kristy, why don't you go with Jay? Your water is also waiting, and I'll get Payton and Layla settled."

The girls and Mom look at each other, and then me and nod at the same time. I missed a conversation between them; that's obvious, but I can figure it out later.

"Sure thing," Kristy says before I get a chance to say anything. She drags me into the living room and onto the couch. "How are you doing, actually?"

A very good question and unfortunately it changes minute by minute.

"Up and down, I was okay with just you and Mom, but opening the door put me on edge. Yes, it's just Pay and Layla, but they were both looking at me, and then you and Mom, and it just felt othering."

Mom covered my tea, and I'm thankful for that; it's still warm and, more importantly, soothing. I need that right now.

"You can get changed again if you want.” Kristy’s being supportive but she doesn’t actually want me to get changed, I can hear it in her voice. That's perfectly fine. Kristy's allowed to have her own thoughts, and I'm trying not to let them influence mine.

If I choose this, it's going to be for me, not anyone else.

Getting changed is tempting, but not yet. Hannah is still out, and I want to talk to her and Dad first and get their reactions. I'm more scared of Hannah than Dad. She's never said anything that would make me worried, but when I didn't have anyone, I had Hannah.

I can't imagine not having her in my life.

"Maybe later, I'm still getting a feel for it." I hear Mom and the girls coming closer, so it's probably best to wrap this up. "I'm going to be John at school tomorrow and probably indefinitely." Maybe permanently. "I hope you're not disappointed by that, but I need time." Deep breath. "If there's a definite girl you want to ask to Homecoming, you should."

I can't say that wouldn't suck a bit, but I'm not going to string Kristy along, either.

Kristy grabs my hand and shakes her head at me, exasperated. "We'll discuss it another day, another time, whenever you're ready. Don't rush."

"I won't." 

Payton wanders in first with a glass, probably juice knowing her and slips onto the couch beside me. It might be a little crowded if Layla joins us, but I'm not actually worried about that.

There isn't anyone here I'm not comfortable with, especially after this past weekend.

"Sorry for that, Jay. I know I was staring; I shouldn't have." 

I need more hands. Kristy has my left hand, and my right hand is occupied with my tea. Both are helping me a lot. I also want to hug Payton right now.

Decisions are hard!

It's going to have to be the tea, but only because Payton is on that side. It would be silly to let go of Kristy's hand, swap my tea over, and then hug Pay.

Maybe just one more sip.

Okay, so more than one, but after several more sips, the cup is mostly empty. I can set it down and, more importantly, answer Pay, but not before throwing my arm around her. "Like I told Kristy, it's fine; today was a lot before all this. I'm on edge." A Sharp, jagged edge - one that I could fall over or onto with one wrong move, and it's far too likely someone could come along and shove me.

"You're cute like that, Jay."

So I keep hearing, "I see me," but maybe, like Kristy said, it's perspective, not any real change. I've only been thinking about seeing Penelope since yesterday, and the list for her keeps growing by the minute.

There are a lot of things that I'm unsure about right now, but I have good friends and a loving family; that's a great place to start.

    ***

Hannah walks into the living room, glances around in surprise, and then keeps going, only to pause and lock eyes with me. She looks shocked.

"Hey, I need a few minutes. I'm just going to take the homework and stuff upstairs and do a few things." The girls look like they might argue or, worse, come with me, so I can't just leave it at that. "Dad's going to be home soon; I, just, I'll be back."

Payton's first, I'm not surprised; this place used to be her second home. "We need new drinks, so we'll do that while you're gone."

"Caroline and Kristy have been talking up your studio, Jay. I wouldn't mind a tour when you get back."

That actually sounds great, something we can do without it being about me, at least directly. 

All afternoon, it's been about me and my feelings, and I feel like exploding. I don't know, I don't have answers, and I really wish everyone would stop asking me.

They're being supportive, so I'm trying not to show my frustration, but out of everyone, I think Kristy can tell. Maybe it's because, even after all this time. I haven't let go of her hand.

"Jay, I'll make you some tea." Kristy pauses and then laughs. “Ask your Mom to help me make tea. I don't know how you take it, but we can catch up in a few minutes, okay?"

"Thank you." More than anything.

Hannah's on my heels the moment I leave the living room, and my bedroom door is barely shut when I throw my arms around her.

"Sorry for today."

Every time Hannah and I have been apart, it's been planned, or at least we told the other person where we would be.

Today, I just vanished, and I feel bad about it.

"John, what's going on? Is this your forfeit?" Hannah's question makes me feel nauseous, and I'm not sure why.

I guess dressing as a girl for losing a bet with the team is just as reasonable as any other guess. It's probably more reasonable than thinking that I'm trans. Assuming that I am.

"No, nothing like that." It isn't, right? It can't be, Kristy told me not to worry about the forfeit.

But what if it is?

That possibility is currently all I can think about.

Kristy would tease me, sure, but she wouldn't put the idea that I might be trans into my head, and Payton absolutely wouldn't go along with it.

"John?" Hannah's cold fingers brush at my eyes, wiping away tears I didn't even know I was shedding; they fall to the floor as snowflakes. It'd be pretty if I wasn't so upset.

"Sorry, that's been happening a lot today." And in increasing amounts over the past few weeks. "Kristy thinks I might be a girl, a trans woman, that is. We're exploring the possibility."

Hannah looks more upset than I’ve ever seen her before, she says. “John, you’re not a girl. I’m sorry, so sorry.” Her voice breaks even as she says it, and I don’t remember much after that. 

Just the cold.