What a week it's been, and it's not even over yet; today is just my first appointment with Penolope. It's possibly an end or a beginning. I'm not sure yet. Hannah has calmed down a bit, but she's still on edge. The moment I look at something feminine, she gets tense; it sucks. She's even been hogging her comforter, like I'll catch pink fever or something from it. 

It feels like the wall between us is back.

I'm taking this whole thing seriously, my possible transition and Hannah's potential influence.

Some of what she said is terrifying, and maybe it will make me happy now, but what about later?

Later is haunting me.

Could I regret transitioning? Sure, it happens, but from everything I’ve read it’s pretty rare barring external factors. At least based on some fairly limited research. Kristy sent over her resources and reached out to Amelia for more information. Honestly, the support is what I'm getting stuck on; too many people are involved in my potential transition for it to just be from Hannah. Maybe she nudged me out of apathy, gender or otherwise, I'm not sure; all I do know is that right now, picturing the rest of my life as a woman doesn't seem all that bad to me.

It actually sounds nice.

I'm avoiding Rebecca, no, Miss Lynch; out of all Hannah's memories, that has been the hardest one to shake. I see her as a peer and possible crush, and wow, is that awkward, instead of as my favourite teacher. I dropped a note in her mailbox in the office. I might be avoiding her, but I don't want Miss Lynch to know that. I don't want her to be hurt, not again.

Amelia's been hovering a bit this week, ever since our talk, ever since she gave Kristy estrogen for me to take. She's always nearby, and while the support is nice, how many people know about me now?

Seven, at the minimum, possibly nine before the end of today; I'm guessing that Absinthe at least has an awareness of who I am to give me some of her spare medication. I still need to thank her properly instead of just sending a message; I just don't know how. If I decide that I'm not trans, I'll have to make sure she gets her pills back.

A hand starts rubbing my knee, and I glance over at Kristy. She lifts her hand and points it toward Amelia. "Back with us?"

"Yeah, sorry, what's up?" Everyone's looking at me, the entire team is worried, I'm much more subdued than normal this week, distracted. It's nice, but it also makes me feel like a burden.

"Amelia wanted to know if you were busy on Tuesday."

Am I? Let's see. I have practice on Monday and Thursday and therapy on Friday. In theory, I guess I'll be free on Tuesday. Kristy's hand is still on my knee, so I reach down and interlace our fingers. She really is something I didn't know I needed in my life—a wonder.

"Tuesday and Wednesday are currently free; I needed to ask if you and Caroline wanted to do another tutoring session this week. Sorry, I forgot earlier."

Kristy bumps my shoulder with hers, and some of the girls giggle; we've been getting more affectionate in person and in public. We're becoming closer, and it's amazing. "Jay, it's fine. Tutoring wouldn't be a bad idea, but I don't want to add it to your plate either."

"Hands-on tutoring, I'm sure," Emily says, and everyone bursts into more giggles. Meanwhile, I'm just blushing and looking down at the grass. Ever since I officially joined the team, they've been teasing me a bit more. It's friendly, but apparently, I 'blush an adorable shade of red', and I swear the girls are competing to see who can get me to blush the most.

Layla is winning so far. She's cheating, though; Payton's helping.

"So, I actually could use some help. Is Wednesday okay?" Caroline says, thankfully cutting off some of the giggling. Even if I wasn't, I'd make the time; I don't want to leave her in a pinch. Caroline also just happened to pick the day that Amelia didn't want, and I'm sure that's on purpose.

I might as well get this over with. "Wednesday is great; let me know what you want to focus on." I squeeze Kristy's hand again before turning my attention to Amelia. "I guess I'm free. What's up?"

"It's a family thing for my sister. Can I message you later about it?" Amelia put extra emphasis on her sister, so it might be trans-related. Actually, it probably is. 

"Yeah, absolutely. I'm always happy to chat." I'm still pretty bad about texting in the group chats; honestly, other than 'hello' messages, I barely post. Maybe I should try to be more active? I'm not a very good friend or teammate to the girls, but I'm so overwhelmed.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Lunch is just wrapping up when the PA system screams to life. "Can John Moore report to the principal's office?"

Again? What now?

Kristy looks at me curiously, and I just shrug. But I might as well answer the unasked question; I doubt she's the only one. "I have no idea, but I better see what they want." It isn't like I can get roped into the cheerleading team twice. "I'll see you all on Monday; enjoy your weekends."

"Bye, John." It comes as a chorus as I climb to my feet, and Kristy joins me. That's welcome; I'm glad to have a few extra minutes with her.

"Bye, girls." 

I'm pretty much used to the stares I get walking around school now; they're routine. That doesn't mean they don't make me uncomfortable, and having Kristy with me makes them a lot less intimidating.

Miss Stoll is watching as we walk into the office. She smiles at me and hesitates a second before smiling at Kristy.

"You're in room two again, John. Miss Michaels, how can I help you?"

Kristy smiles at Miss Stoll. "Oh, I was just walking Jay here. If he isn't going to be too long, I thought I would wait." There are plenty of open seats, but the bell should be going off in a minute or two.

"John has been excused from his next class; it's probably best you head to yours; we wouldn't want you to be late." Miss Stoll has always been nice to me, but there's an edge right now when she's talking to Kristy. That's weird, almost distaste, but why?

"I'll see you in history then, Kristy." That doesn't mean I don't pull her into a hug, though. I've been finding a lot of comfort in our casual intimacy, and with how often she initiates it, Kristy feels the same way.

"Bye, Jay. Miss Stoll, enjoy your afternoon." I watch Kristy go. It honestly would have been nice for her to stay, but I can manage it on my own, probably.

"She's waiting for you, John."

Right, whoever is waiting, and unfortunately, it could be almost anyone. "Thanks, sorry." Room two isn't far away, and my heart stops when I walk through the door and Rebecca is sitting there. She can't be here, I shouldn't be here! I've been avoiding her while I get my head on straight.

"Take a seat, John." Shit, this isn't going to be quick then, so I sit directly across from her.

"Hi, Miss Lynch. Umm, what's going on?" I start chanting her last name in my head. I can't slip up and call her Rebecca; that's a mess waiting to happen.

"You've been avoiding me. The note was a nice attempt, but I'm not an idiot. The John from last year would have been in my classroom that lunch hour, not three days after the invitation and still a no-show."

Fuck!

"I'm sorry, I planned to. Honestly, I did." Even knowing Miss Lynch's history with cheerleaders, I can't quite see why she seems to be taking my situation almost personally; she's invested deeply, but why?

"Kristy kept you away."

Well, no, I did, but Kristy sort of kept me from seeing Miss Lynch when I planned to, and then everything else happened. I barely know what to do with myself, and I'm just keeping my momentum going because it honestly feels like if I stop, I'll drown under the pressure.

"You're worried about me being bullied. I'm not." Mostly, no one is doing anything malicious, anyway.

"John, I've seen you together with Kristy; she's playing games with you; you're going to get hurt."

What is Rebecca talking about? It hits me almost like a bolt of lightning. Oh, this is about Rebecca, not Miss Lynch. She's gay and had a crush on a cheerleader that ended in tears. Yes, Hannah died, and it was Yvonne being cruel, but Rebecca took it personally. 

Does she know Kristy's gay?

"How confidential is this meeting?"

Miss Lynch leans back in her chair before she steeples her fingers in front of her. "That depends on what you say."

How can I talk about this? "Let's say it's about sexuality or identity; how private?"

"I'm not going to out a student, John." Miss Lynch sounds almost offended.

"Okay, fine. Kristy, as you already know, is gay; that's why you're angry with her. You think she's stringing me along, playing games with me. I know she's a lesbian."

"What?" Miss Lynch looks shocked, probably because I just blurted it all out. It's also more aware of social games than she probably expected from me. Which is, unfortunately, fair; I've been leaning on Hannah and Kristy pretty heavily for that stuff.

"I appreciate you trying to look out for me; it means a lot. My life has been taking a lot of swings lately, and I'm struggling to keep up. I am sorry that I didn't make time for you sooner." Or at all. I need things to slow down; things haven't been calm for weeks now, and I'm not sure when I'm going to have a chance to catch my breath.

"She could still be messing with you." That's true but unlikely. Hannah's only concern is over the trans thing, not me spending time with Kristy. If there was any danger of being humiliated or anything, Hannah would tell me.

"You're right, but I don't think she is." Not now, anyway; it was a game she was playing initially, but not anymore, not for a while. "It's possible, I agree." I stop and rub my eyes; okay, I need to tell Miss Lynch. "For the record, my mom already knows about this, and I have a therapist's appointment at four. There's a possibility that I'm trans; Kristy has been helping me with it a lot, and so has Amelia."

Whatever Miss Lynch thought I was going to say, it wasn't that; she's shocked. I don't know how old Absinthe is, but there's a decent chance that Miss Lynch is familiar with her. I doubt there have been many trans students here, so even one is probably notable.

"Amelia Richards?" Miss Lynch sounds breathless.

I think so? That sounds right, anyway. "Her sister Absinthe." There's a sharp bark of laughter that cuts me off.

"Is that what name she's using now? It was Emerald. Call me Emmie when she was here."

"I guess. We haven't met, but that's what Amelia calls her; I've been meaning to message her, but my head has been elsewhere." Usually pulled between the present and Hannah's memories of the past. We haven't repeated the experiment, and Hannah has been keeping her hands to herself at night; I haven't been waking up with a headache anyway.

Small favours.

"Are you free Tuesday?"

What is with today and people asking me about Tuesday? That actually makes me stop. Could it be connected? "I'm not. Amelia asked me if I was free at lunch for a family thing. She said she'd message me about it tonight."

"Family thing, yeah, I guess that's what it is. We're all under the same umbrella, anyway." There's a knock on the door, and then Miss Stoll rushes through, holding a few bottles of water.

Umbrella? What does she mean?

"Sorry to interrupt, but Carla's back early." They both seem stressed. Was this meeting unauthorized? I assume that Carla is Principal Abbott, and that makes me smile. Miss Lynch was worried enough to sneak around, but hopefully, no one will get in trouble. My suspicions are proven a second later when Principal Abbott walks into room two.

"Mr Moore and Rebecca, what a surprise. Did we have a meeting scheduled that Jennifer neglected to tell me about?" There's a sharp edge to her tone, I wonder if Miss Lynch has been pushing for more meetings?

There's an easy enough way to smooth things over, especially since I'll eventually have to tell her anyway. "It's my fault, Principal Abbott; I needed to talk somewhere privately and with someone I trust, and no, it isn't about bullying or anything like that."

I take a sip of water as Principal Abbott takes a seat, and Miss Stoll looks at me curiously. "Then what is it about?"

If it's true, everyone here will find out about it soon enough, so there's no actual reason to ask for more privacy. "I just finished telling Miss Lynch, but I might be trans; I'm exploring the possibility. My parents know and are supportive." They both look surprised, but Miss Stoll looks almost smug for some reason; I wonder why?

"The school district has some pretty substantial guidelines for this. Is there a professional you're seeing?" Principal Abbott softened her tone a lot, actually. I guess she's trying to be conversational.

"Starting today at four." I expected telling more people would feel more stressful, but I kind of feel relieved. "I told Coach Vargas already. I didn't want there to be any issues with me on the team." 

I've been wondering how many trans students there are in the district because this school at least seems to take it in stride; somehow, I expected something more involved.

"Have you given any thoughts to a name?" Miss Stoll says.

"Payton used to call me Jay when we were young, so we've reverted to that. So far, it's mostly Kristy, Layla, and her that use it, though. I haven't told a lot of people; it's a maybe, not a yes."

"Whoops," Miss Stoll says, and she looks embarrassed.

I cover a grin with my bottle of water before I say. "You thought Kristy didn't know my name earlier, didn't you?"

"Maybe." That's totally a yes.

Principal Abbott looks at the clock and says, "Okay, M. Ah, Jay. I'm glad you told us this and that you are seeing a professional. Have you considered speaking with Mr. Darby?"

Who? The guidance councillor? It hadn't even crossed my mind. "It kind of makes me uncomfortable, to be honest. Nothing against him." Something about telling a guy about it makes my stomach twist into knots. Dad took it fine, more than fine, really, but it still feels weird.

"Jennifer, please give M., ah, Jay the documentation on our policies before h… they leave."

"I'll take care of that now. Please excuse me." Maybe it's my imagination, but I swear her eyes linger on Rebecca, Miss Lynch. That's really interesting.

"Was there anything else you needed to discuss today, ah, Jay?"

"No, thank you." I laugh; I need to, just to burn off some nervous energy. "I haven't even decided anything yet, but I just doubled the people who know that I'm thinking about it, with someone else I'm telling later. It's just a lot."

Miss Lynch shares a look with Principal Abbott, and she nods after a second. "I have another meeting, but I can use room one. Why don't you sit here until you're ready to leave? If that's for your final period or not, it is entirely up to you."

"I appreciate it, thank you. I'm planning to go to history, though."

"Great, excuse me."

Once we're alone, Miss Lynch smiles at me. "Thanks for that; it made things easier."

"It had the benefit of all being true. We needed somewhere private for this talk, and it was overdue. Sorry about that. I literally started figuring this out on Monday."

"Bad timing or good?"

Now, that is a good question. "A little of both. I've been distracted all week. One of my friends—she doesn't go here—is less convinced. Things have been tense. We're still talking, but it's awkward." It's honestly why Hannah's not around today; she's taking some time for herself.

"Is she transphobic?"

"No, she's fine with trans people; she just thinks that I'm not trans. Since trans people always know from a young age, and I'm just figuring it out, thinking about it anyway." I keep needing to add a disclaimer, just in case. If we're wrong, I don't want to have claimed an identity that isn't mine, but it's getting harder. 

"That isn't true, John, Jay, sorry. Yes, some trans people know early, but just as many people figure it out much later."

That's reassuring enough that I breathe out in relief. I've been worried. "Thanks, I've been doing some research, but there's only so many hours in a day."

"It's almost time for your fifth period. Let me walk you there, Jay. I really would love to see your art and talk about CalArts soon."

There's about five minutes until the bell, so leaving now makes sense. "Sure, thank you, and I'll figure out a day to stop by over lunch, Tuesday, maybe? The girls will be furious if I don't eat on a day we have practice, and I don't want food near my portfolio. So that eliminates Monday and Thursday." I'll just bring snacks or something I can eat fast, just to be safe.

"You definitely shouldn't skip meals." 

We're just walking past the desk when Miss Stoll calls out. "Rebecca, one moment." 

Miss Lynch walks over, and the two of them start whispering, but I swear I hear Miss Stoll say, "You owe me Thai." And that's when I really start looking at how they're standing, leaning in close, not holding hands, but in close enough proximity that I notice matching rings. Are they married?!

How did I miss that?

Okay, sure, I've been drifting for the past few years, but that explains so much! Like why Miss Stoll calls me John and has been nothing but kind to me. I could never figure out why, but this explains everything!

It's also reassuring that the Rebecca I remember, who was hurt so badly, managed to find love. Does Hannah know? She must.

They're wrapping up their conversation and their dinner plans, so I smile and wave. "Have a good weekend, Miss Stoll."

"Jay, I'll give Rebecca the district's guidance for you, so you won't need to carry it around today." Oh, that's smart; the last thing I want to do is drop it and have uncomfortable questions asked.

"Thank you."

Pretty much everyone is in class, so we don't run into anyone as we head up to the second floor. 

"Jay, I'll give you the brochures with some other stuff on Monday, okay?"

I mean, that works for me; it's one less thing to focus on all weekend. "That's honestly great, thank you." Miss Lynch smiles warmly and then walks away just in time for the bell to ring. I'm hovering around Kristy's desk when Denise locks eyes with me as she walks into history and plops down in my regular seat with a smile. I guess I just sit by Kristy now; that's really nice.

"Everything okay?"

"Nothing bad, I'll tell you tonight."

 

***

 

I wait until we're safely in Kristy's car and on the road before I ask. "Are you sure you're okay taking me to my appointment?" I can get there another way and not ruin her Friday afternoon.

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm happy that I'm taking you. Your Mom and I discussed it, actually."

What? When?

Maybe when I went to talk to Hannah the other day and left everyone downstairs? I know why that day is blurry now, but it's still a little jarring at times. Especially because Hannah did something to me, not maliciously, but still intentionally.

I hope we can get this all sorted before too long; I want our friendship to go back to how it was.

"Conspiring against me?" I grin at her so Kristy doesn't think I'm mad or anything.

Kristy laughs. Why are things so easy with her? We have such an easy rapport. "You know it; we're going to get coffee while you're at your appointment. I want to get to know her better."

"Oh, have a great time." And speaking of a great time. "I know I'm taking up your entire weekend here between this appointment, lunch and dinner tomorrow and my mystery plans for Sunday. If you need time for yourself or your other friends, we can cancel or reschedule some of it or all of it."

"Not a chance." Kristy laughs again. "I'm really looking forward to it, and the girls are so jealous; I think they would kill me if I cancelled."

They sounded jealous at practice on Tuesday, but I mostly thought that was teasing, not that they were actually jealous. I know Hannah had mentioned a lot of the girls on the cheer team are single, but I hadn't really thought about it all that much.

"Why, though?"

We're just pulling into the parking lot, so Kristy waits until she's parked before she says. "You date like a lesbian, Jay, not to mention the PDA. You make plans, you listen, and you try to do things I'm excited about. About a third of the squad is gay, but it's a pretty even split between the single girls. Most of them don't actually understand why we're seeing one another."

We aren't, exactly, it's complicated.

"Because I'm not exactly a girl, but you're gay?" I don't actually know what the squad thinks about me in general. More like a girl than a guy, especially for the last few days. I don't know if someone let something slip or not. Honestly, I don't even care. 

The fewer people I need to tell, the better.

Kristy pulls me into a hug. "You're a girl if you say you are. We were supposed to be fake dating, but it's pretty clear to the girls that the fake part is well, fake."  

"Do you need me to back off or do something differently?" The last thing I want to do is hurt Kristy, and it feels like I'm treading too close to that far too often.

I'm surprised when Kristy breaks out of the hug, only to grab either side of my face and stare directly into my eyes. "No, I just want you to be you, the maybe girl I have a crush on."

"But." I'm not a girl; Kristy can't have a crush on me. That makes this so complicated, and yes, she's said it before, but it's hard. 

"No buts, Jay. Except yours going to your appointment. You have five minutes." We can't stop now! We're having an important conversation. "Jay, we can pick it up later; you absolutely can't miss your appointment. I'm not going anywhere, trust me."

Fuck! I want to scream right now.

"Okay, I hate this, Kristy, but fine. We'll pick this up later. Enjoy coffee with my Mom."

I slip first out of Kristy's grip and then out of her car and walk into the office with only a couple of backwards glances. She hasn't taken her eyes off of me.

Everyone has been saying that they're proud of me, that I'm smart and taking this entire thing seriously, but I'm fighting against myself with every single step from Kristy's car. I desperately want to rush back to her car, pull her back into my arms, tell her that yes, I'm a girl, her girl, and kiss her like I'm constantly thinking about.

But I just keep walking out of fear—because it would betray my promise to Hannah and because it's stupid. Three very good reasons, and I hate every single one of them.

The waiting room is empty; Penelope told me it would be and to just ring the doorbell, so I do. Before I can even think about sitting down in one of the dozen or so chairs or having a chance to look at the fliers or brochures, the inside door swings open, and Penelope is looking at me with a smile.

"It's nice to see you again, John. Please follow me." Penelope says as she guides me through the door. She looks exactly the same as the last time I met her, but then, it's only been six months or so since Mom's last real push for therapy. 

Honestly, I'm just glad that she's pretty young and that we've met before. If Penelope was one of Hannah's classmates, I might have cancelled. That isn't something I could handle right now, and it would have just been weird if I remembered going to the mall with her or something.

She's wearing a cute blue crew neck dress; it's pretty but professional, and I shake my head slightly. Okay, so that is pure Hannah; it's something I've been trying to keep an eye on. It's a blue sleeveless dress; yes, aesthetically, it's cute, but it isn't a style I'm familiar with or should know the name of.

Hannah's memories really seem to flare up around fashion and cheerleading, both of which are impossible to avoid right now. Watching for these moments lets me try to find a seam between Hannah's memories and mine.

The office is bigger than I expected. There's a small break room on the left and half a dozen doors on the walls. I guess other people work here and have their own spaces, but I don't see or hear anyone. "Thanks for seeing me on such short notice."

"We're in here on the left." Penelope's office is cosy; there's a nice sofa, but not the kind I associate with psychologists from films, and a nice high back chair for her to sit in. Honestly, even with the small desk, I'm more reminded of a living room than an office. That's probably intentional. "And it absolutely wasn't a problem. I've kept a standing appointment for you on my calendar."

"Was it that obvious?" That I'm trans, or at least needed help? 

"Please take a seat." Penelope waits until I'm seated on this all-too-comfy sofa before she continues. "Your mother was concerned, is concerned, if I'm being honest, but you can't force someone into therapy, not if you want to actually help them. You seem tense today but also less burdened, so what would you like to talk about?"

Just like that? I expected a more directed conversation or pointed questions, but a more casual dialogue sounds better.

"A few things, and yes, I'm feeling better than I have in months." Years really. "There's a lot of parts to it, but almost everything boils down to one question. Am I trans?"

If she's surprised, Penelope doesn't show any sign of it. "And what do you think?"

That's both exactly what I expected and incredibly frustrating. There are only so many ways I can explain this, especially since Hannah is at least somewhat right. No one approached me about their suspicions until after she possessed me, and now that I'm looking for it, her influence is pretty obvious. It just isn't definitive, and it also doesn't change anything; it just adds fear. 

I shake my head. Unfortunately, it doesn't clear the mental cobwebs. "I didn't even think about it, to be honest. A friend approached me about it, and then another one independently. An entire separate friend is worried I'm letting those opinions influence me. My mom's going along with it. I've dressed up twice at home, but no one I've told has been shocked."

"Have you told many people?"

"Personally, I've told seven, including you, but there are eleven people who know for sure and possibly more that have their suspicions." Like the entire cheerleading team.

"While you're in this room, is there a name you would prefer I use?"

I've been thinking about a couple, but I'm honestly pretty happy with Jay right now. Payton gave it to me, and it's important to me to hold onto it longer, maybe forever. "We've mostly switched to Jay; you are welcome to use it."

"Jay then, you said you've dressed up at home. How did it feel?"

"Normal, I half expected they would feel weird, but they were just clothes, and they were comfortable. I felt less constrained in them. Does that make sense?"

There are two ways to really look at things; Hannah's position is that, as a result of her possession, I see her shape, being a woman, as the correct one. Unfortunately, there's merit to that viewpoint. It explains quite a few things, and as a result, I'm actively working to untangle my desires from Hannah's.

My research, while limited, paints a slightly different picture and a compelling one. Being Hannah, for seconds, freed me from my dysphoria before the weight of it crashed back into me. I'm speculating; it isn't like I could search online for 'being possessed by a ghost made me feel alive' or something like that. It's possible, though, that the possession simulated the right endocrine system, and my mood swings are a result of a hormonal shift. Mom gave me the idea, but I still haven't seen Doctor Mercer to confirm it. The earliest she can see me is Friday evening after therapy. Which kind of sucks, delaying so long, but I have mostly been feeling good.

All I can really be sure of right now is that I don't want to go back to the John from a month ago. Being John right now is hard enough because I really think of myself as Jay, a girl in potentia most of the time, and I like it.

"It does. Would you like to get changed?" Penelope's tone is so mild that it actually takes me a second to register what she asked. And do I? Huh, yeah, I do.

"Honestly, yes, but I didn't bring anything." My wardrobe is still pretty limited, despite what Kristy got for me at the mall. I've been reluctant to get anything else, but I'm the only one. Layla might be a little shorter than I am, but otherwise, we have the same build. She's been sending me photos of clothes to see if I might want them. Apparently, it's pretty common for the team to swap clothes, temporarily or permanently. I'm not actually surprised; even without Hannah's memories, that makes perfect sense to me. Borrow a belt here and a skirt there, a top from someone else, and you have a new outfit.

Penelope looks amused for a second before she reaches down beside her chair and pulls out a large bag I recognize from Mom's travel stuff. "Your Mom dropped this off, just in case. There's a note for you in the bag, but I don't know what it says."

Getting changed sounds amazing, but there's no way I'm changing in front of Penelope; I'm not comfortable doing it around the girls, let alone my therapist. 

"Is there somewhere?" I don't even finish the question walkmanbefore Penelope smiles.

"Out and to the left, third door, there's a sign. It's a staff bathroom, but we're the only ones here."

I hadn't seen or heard anyone, but I assumed the offices are somewhat soundproof. It's reassuring to know that I won't bump into anyone. "Okay, I'll be right back." 

The bathroom is empty, as promised, and that helps my nerves. Why is doing this here, in the office, so different from doing it at home? Is it because there, it was my house, my space, and here, anyone could walk in, or is it something else?

If I decide that I'm trans, it's going to be my life. I need to be brave enough to try, right now, while it's safe before too many people know and I start to feel pressure, both good and bad.

Penelope is waiting, and I really don't want to waste her time. I'm a little annoyed at Mom, not for the clothes, but because I really have asked her not to go into my closet. The annoyance vanishes when I open the bag and pull out a dress, one I haven't seen before. Is that a floral pattern?

Did Mom go shopping for this? For me? That makes me feel so amazing and a little guilty for being annoyed. Now, what exactly did Mom get me?

It's a maxi dress, and the pattern reminds me a bit of the dress Kristy wore to the dance. Did they notice how I was looking at it before or after the dance? Probably, they're both really observant. 

I set the note aside and swap clothes; I really don't want to keep Penelope waiting too long. Despite seeing John in the mirror, I'm still more comfortable than I was.

The best way I can explain it is that the discomfort is entirely background, and I'm so used to it that it completely fades away when I'm dressed properly like this.

The bag makes a noise as I set it down, and I open it in confusion. There's lipgloss—a familiar one, but it's also brand new. The one Kristy gave me is still missing, so it's nice to have a replacement and a pair of flats. That makes sense; they work better with the dress than my sneakers.

I just need to read Mom's note and then get back to Penelope. 

My darling daughter,

 

Your friends and I discussed this purchase, and I insisted on buying you your first dress. It's a mother's prerogative, after all. 

Please don't feel pressured now or at any time. I support you fully, whatever you decide, short-term or long-term.

I love you,

Mom.

 

I love it when the word "daughter" is used for me; it always feels right, ever since the first time, but seeing it written down is priceless to me. I carefully fold it back up, wrap it in my old clothes and set them back in the bag for safekeeping.

The note is something I want to keep forever.

I don't have any hair products, so I settle for ruffling my hair a few times to get rid of the worst tangles. With a quick swipe of the gloss, I'm all set, and that's good; if I wait any longer, Penelope might come to find me.

I need to find a way to show Mom (and Dad really) my appreciation, regardless of what I decide in the end; she's enthusiastic about helping me reach an informed decision.

I'm lucky, and I've always been aware of that, but meeting Layla's parents really hammered the point home. I can't imagine trying to deal with my identity stuff while needing to hide it from my parents. For now, though, I just need to take it step by step, and one day at a time and give myself the space to question until I decide one way or the other, who I’m going to be.