In an infinite space filled with a large TV playing a scene of what appeared to be a blonde-haired space monkey defeating an evil tyrant. Sat a boy on a lazy boy recliner enjoying a vanilla shake. He was the only person in this endless space. The boy laughed uncontrollably as the monkey began slapping some sense into the tyrant. 

The boy had blonde hair. He appeared to be around the age of 11. He had mixed match eyes, one being blue and the other being a rainbow. He was wearing stained sweatpants and a faded t-shirt. 

After the scene ended with the monkey slapping the tyrant, the boy began flipping through the channels. One channel had a man with a wooden katana fighting against an alien who kept humans from seeing the sun. The next had a guy who got beaten to death by a girl with blue hair only for the guy to wake up screaming in a bed. After that, the boy’s favorite show was on as a brown-haired boy stole a girl’s underwear and waved his earnings above his head like an idiot. Even though he had seen this scene for the 10,000th time, the boy still fell into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, causing him to spill his perfect shake and ruin the remote.

Sparks flew from the remote, and the channels began changing in a blur, as the boy banged on the remote. Finally, the remote broke under his constant smacking, and a show he had never seen before began. 

Here he saw Haruto and the events leading up to Haruto’s death. For hours the boy laughed and jeered at the unfortunate fool who was being bullied by some glutton guy. Stars twinkled in the boy’s eyes as the glutton menace swaggered towards the stupid human as if everything in the universe was under his control, that was until the human started squirming like a fish out of water. Then the glutton chump broke into a mad sprint. This scene was too much for the boy as he, unlike the glutton boy, saw why the human was squirming as electricity fried the human's brain into well-done steak.

The boy thought it couldn’t possibly get any better than this. Only to be greeted by the scene of the glutton dweeb trying to save the human but failing miserably as a mocking expression appeared on the human’s face. The boy couldn’t help but laugh out loud, “Ah, he was actually trying to save the human after scaring him senseless. HAHA did his mother never teach him how to interact with others? And what’s with that idiot’s smile? Is he a masochist or something, or is electricity his kink?” The boy fell from his lazy boy in a fit of deranged laughter. The boy could feel the vanilla shake coming back up, but he just couldn’t stop as the glutton fool was crying over the death of a human he had only just met. “How, how lonely is this idiot? Haha, I’d kill myself too if I had to be friends with a guy named glutton. He probably got that name after eating everyone’s leftovers.”

The boy wondered how long had it been since he laughed for so long. Thinking of something, he stopped laughing, “wait, isn’t the comedy over now that the human is dead? I want more what type of series only has one episode. Are the creators too poor to make more episodes?” He wondered about the fierce competition for money. “Ok, ok you win this pilot episode was a huge success, I’ll allow for another season, hell if you keep this up, I’ll renew for three more.” Wiping the tears from his eyes, the boy yanked the human soul before it could reincarnate. 

The soul was squirming like crazy trying to escape. The protest caused the boy to laugh, and he began shaking the soul like a mad man, possibly causing damage until the soul calmed down a bit. “Isn’t that better, little soul? Now, where should I put you? Earth doesn’t have too many fun locations, and the glutton nerd's world is outside my jurisdiction. Maybe it’s time I think outside the box.” Crushing the soul into a ball, the boy yelled “Kobe” and shot the soul towards a distant planet. Then he whipped out a brand new remote from nothingness and sat back down in his recliner to see how this new series played out.

Haruto woke up in a cave and was ecstatic to see that he had reincarnated. He cheered, “Finally, I step into the world of the greats. Finally, it is my time to shine, my time as the protagonist of this era. I can see it now: the endless harems, the nonstop adventures, my genius-ness from earth domineering whatever backwater intelligence I find. What to do first, perhaps going to rescue a princess in a failing country, or buy a cute demi-human slave girl and treat her as my daughter, eh that sounds like a lot of work. I'm too lazy to play the stereotypical isekai journey out, I'll just play around. I sure hope they have demi-humans here, oh what am I saying of course they do, what good reincarnation lacks demi-humans or dare I say succubi.” Drool started to run down Haruto’s mouth obscenely as he dreamed about all the things he would accomplish in this new world. 

Haruto looked around. He was in a giant cave. This cave shall be my base of operations, my fortress of solitude, my home away from home, the last anchor to my old life. He felt safe here. How could he not? This place was one designated to be his sanctuary by God himself. This must be the safest place on the planet, right? At the very least, Haruto had this conception and quickly lowered his defenses and even thought about catching a few zzz’s before exploring.

That was until he felt something approaching, the touch of death wore on his mind; he was quite intimate with this feeling. He shivered and felt unsafe; the place went from a sanctuary to a bizarre and dangerous environment. But Haruto was confident God would not throw him straight into an instadeath trap, right. Finally, he saw a human-like figure congealing from the dark abyss. Haruto’s heart began to beat like a drum set. He once again tasted the metallic flavor brought on by fear. He yelled to the creature, “I have the power of god and anime on my side.” Even I am beginning to doubt whether I have God on my side, but he doesn’t know that. Hopefully, I have some aura exuding off me that scares it away.

 The creature kept walking unperturbed by Haruto’s claim. As Haruto did indeed have an aura, but it was weaker than a rabbit's. His body, though appearing the same as it did on Earth. Gave off the impression that it was brand-new like a new-born baby.

Now with the creature so close, Haruto saw its decayed face and the deathly aura rolling off it in waves. Haruto collapsed as he lost control of his legs. Every muscle in his body began tensing up except for his bladder, which relieved itself.

A sneer appeared on the monster’s face as if delighted by Haruto’s fear.

Haruto’s heart froze, seeing the monster’s human-like sneer. He wondered what hell hole of a planet he found himself on. Desperation set in as he knew another part of him was about to relax, and death was preferable to that happening. Who am I kidding? Death will still be on the menu. Maybe the creature will feel disgusted by my relieving and leave my body intact.

The creature continued forward.

 Haruto’s mind went blank as the PTSD from before kicked in. Haruto began hysterically, yelling that he didn’t want to die a virgin, again.

The monster’s smile grew sharper, it opened its mouth and began saying something in a language Haruto couldn’t understand.

Unsure of what the fiend said, but quite knowledgeable on hentai that contained monsters, Haruto could only imagine what’s about to go down. Oh no, this thing doesn’t plan on letting me die as a virgin as well. The last shred of his consciousness spurred him to yell random anime transformation phrases in an attempt to save his last bit of dignity. Even if I reincarnate again, an experience like this would practically make me a vegetable. I must lay it all on the line, don't fail me now MC powers. Taking a deep breath, Haruto yelled, “This isn’t even my final form.”

The creature tilted its head in confusion but continued forward.

Haruto becoming more unnerved, screeched“kaioken, Bankai.”

With that disgusting smile still plastered on its face, the creature spoke its bizarre language and slowly reached towards him.

 Oh, please, no. Not another person who wants to grab me. Is this my death cliche? Haruto sobbed, “za beasto, za warudo, second gear.” 

The decayed fingers were mere inches from Haruto’s face. 

Haruto could feel death approaching him. Will I be forced into an endless loop of death by monsters?

 Finally, with the last of his hope, Haruto roared, “activate my otaku powers,” right as the damn broke in the rear. He was teleported to a video game screen and heard the voice of a very pretentious god.

In a pretentious yet childish voice, God revealed, “this world offers you a different path than the other, and once you start, you will gain great power.”

Haruto was pissed and protested, “where were you when my underwear changed colors.”

The God released a small chuckle, and ignoring Haruto’s protest cheered, “good luck.”

Haruto begged, “at least give me new underwear.”

 God replied, “You can find all you need if you look.” Then the God vanished

Haruto scoffed in anger “what type of shit is that? Talk about a charlatan. Gimme back my dignity, give me back my pride.” Haruto pulled off his dirty underwear and swore on them that he would slaughter that God in their name. 

Eight characters appeared in front of him. 

Hmm, this is just a rip off of “Heroes Of Darkness'' with the same eight choices if we were in America there would be a legal battle for sure. But what’s up with the abilities not having a description, how am I supposed to know what they do? This God half-assed this didn’t he, I bet he started creating this list, got bored halfway through, then just left it blank for me to figure it out, or maybe he is just fucking with me and left it out on purpose. Unfortunately, as a True Heroes of Darkness fan, no ex-fan. I must copulate with Siguta's mother to accomplish my revenge. I have the abilities and their descriptions basically memorized. I’m not known as the no-lifer for nothing.

Stats and Abilities (created by Kami-sama). Abilities Description (Filled in by Haruto)

Samurai- well balanced. Great for beginning players (cough cough noobs)

Character Bonuses: Bonuses to Strength and Energy

Stats at Level One:

Strength-7

Dexterity-7

Energy- 10

Mana- 1

Intelligence- 5

Luck- 5

Charisma- 5

Health: 1000

Abilities:

Warrior’s soul- Your Soul is like a katana, refined through battle and hardship. You are sharp. You fight not your foe, but the wall ahead forever moving to the next challenge. Passive ability. Activates when you surpass your limits (chance of activating based on energy) temporarily increasing strength and speed by triple. Increased resistance to fear-based attacks.

Bushido- You follow a code. The Warrior’s code. You are a warrior of honor. Passive ability gives increase in charisma when interacting with fellow warriors regardless of race.

One with the blade- You have trained your soul to be sharp. The sword is merely your soul personified. Passive ability. Regardless of the sword in hand, gain proficiency as if you and the blade had been together for decades. Deal extra damage based on energy when using swords. 

Superior Zen- What is Zen? If you find yourself asking that question you will never find the answer. You have learned that Zen is not something to be defined, but experienced. Passive ability. Chance to activate trances during battles or training that will have shocking results based on energy level.  Increased resistance to mind-based attacks. Reflexes increased based on extra energy.

Barbarian- attack focused. High dps in close range, weak in distance. Mid Tier players (idiots who only know how to right click.)

Character Bonuses: Bonuses to Strength and Health

Stats at Level One:

Strength-17

Dexterity-5

Energy- 3

Mana- 1

Intelligence- 3

Luck- 5

Charisma- 5

Health: 1500

Abilities:

Berserk- Defend? Sure, allow me to show you the greatest form of defense. These are your last words as you charge into enemy ranks alone, your only companion is rage. Activate to increase attack damage by 20%, but also take 10% extra damage.

Inhuman strength- Oh These? These babies are legally registered as weapons. You flex your biceps that look like they are about to explode. Passive Skill. feats that require strength have a higher chance to succeed. Proficiency with heavy weapons.

True warrior- You charge. Your comrades fall. You charge again. Your enemies fall. You continue charging. Passive Ability. You are more resistant to fear-based debuffs.

Blessings of Thor- Do you hear it brothers? Do you hear Thor's hammer banging away, it is the bell thom of our victory. Passive ability. Once between long rests you have a chance to regain 50% health after being reduced to 0.

Cleric- healer, for support focused players (Sucks at game, so they heal instead)

Character Bonuses: Bonuses to Charisma and Energy

Stats at Level One:

Strength-5

Dexterity-5

Energy- 7

Mana- 2

Intelligence- 5

Luck- 5

Charisma- 11

Health: 850

Abilities:

Blessings of the divine- You are blessed by your god. Once a day gain three deity ranked healing spells capable of resurrection. (Can’t be saved, maximum three)

Divine healer- Heals and potions done by you are extra effective. Passive ability. Potions crafted by you give an extra 5% healing effect. Healing spells give an extra 10% effect on the first target.

Higher Calling- You are a devoted attendee to the one true God. Whoever that is. Ability to follow a greater deity of your choice. Gain extra attention from deity of choice, based on charisma stat leading to loot and special quests.

Holy Smiter- Good? Evil? The only good is my God. The only evil are the false ones. Passive ability. Deal extra damage to undead and followers of enemy religions. Depending on charisma gain scaling extra holy damage. Base Ratio (5 CHA converts to 1 DMG)

Druid- Communion with nature. Good for mid-tier players. Crowd control focus. (Hippie)

Character Bonuses: Bonuses to Luck and Energy

Stats at Level One:

Strength-3

Dexterity-4

Energy- 9

Mana- 3

Intelligence- 5

Luck- 9

Charisma- 7

Health: 800

Abilities:

Nature’s guardian- You are nature’s defender, her child and protector. Passive ability. Gain the blessings of nature. Increased luck in areas filled with nature and abundant with life such as forests, jungles, lakes, and oceans. Summon nature spirits whose lowest level is 5 below your own, and highest is 10 above (summoning chance is based on luck)

One with Nature- You are forever home in nature. Passive ability gains extra bonuses when training in nature and resistance to natural poisons and dangerous environments. The higher your energy the more attuned you are with nature, giving bonuses to defense and damage.

Tamer of the Wild- Here lion, lion, lion. Everyone else is shitting their pants, but you are rubbing the lion’s fluffy tummy. Passive ability. Chance to befriend animals within the wild based on charisma.

Mystic Soul- Your soul was made by a god, but baptized in nature. Passive ability. Increased defense against soul based damage. 

Mage- Conqueror of Reality. Highest Dps dealer, but weak up close (Losers who sit back because, they suck at fighting)

Character Bonuses: Bonuses to Intelligence and Mana

Stats at Level One:

Strength-3

Dexterity-5

Energy- 1

Mana- 6

Intelligence- 15

Luck- 5

Charisma- 5

Health: 750

Abilities:

Bending Reality- What is reality? I say reality is what you make it, and I make it my bitch. Activate to break the natural laws increasing spell chant speed by 100% for 5 mins.

Explorer of the Unknown- Distant cosmos, Stars uncharted. Life never before seen. Come let us embark. Passive ability. You have an encyclopedia of extensive knowledge of various things. Ranging from snake bites to social customs to numerous languages to monster types.  

Power Of Destruction- You hold the very power of reality. One mistake could destroy us all. Hope your hands don’t shake. Passive Ability. Your spells are fueled by the paradoxes within reality, every third spell has a chance to deal an extra 5% damage.

Glass cannon- A mage walks into a gym. That’s the joke. Passive ability. Lose 20% of base health for 10% increase in damage output.

Necromancer- Blasphemer of Death. Good for solo players who like to summon. (Probably goth wannabes IRL)

Character Bonuses: Bonuses to Intelligence and Mana

Stats at Level One:

Strength-2

Dexterity-5

Energy- 1

Mana- 6

Intelligence- 16

Luck- 5

Charisma- 5

Health: 700

Abilities:

Unholy scourge- A plague? I make that. The undead? I raise that. Your nightmare? I am that. Passive ability. Increased damage when using curse based spells.

Blessings of the corrupt- I see no god up here, other than me. Ability to grant buffs to companions for poison, curse, and undead based spells. Passive ability. Deal extra necrotic damage, but have a weakened body.

Tainter of Good- Hey man it's not stealing. It's borrowing without the intent of returning it, don't be a wuss no one will know, but me haha. Depending on intelligence, chance to brainwash and convert those who are aligned to good.

Calling of Deceit- You lie like it comes second nature. Passive ability. High deception when interacting with others turning your extra INT into CHA. 

Assassin- harbinger of death- For advanced players who are good at chaining combos. (Kid who pretended a secret organization was after him)

Character Bonuses: Bonuses to Dexterity and Strength

Stats at Level One:

Strength-11

Dexterity-14

Energy- 1

Mana- 1

Intelligence- 5

Luck- 5

Charisma- 3

Health: 900

Abilities:

Unseen predator- Am I under a box? Why, yes I am. Now dieeeee. Passive ability. When sneaking and hiding extra 25% chance of succeeding. When attacking a target that does not see you. You have a 1 in 10 chance to insta kill. 

Weapon of the body- You have trained every fiber of your body to be a deadly weapon of killing. Ever see a guy use his pinky finger to kill someone? No? Watch this. Passive ability. When no weapon is equipped, deal scaling crit damage on combos. 

Master with the dagger- My blade moves so quick, bet you didn't even notice I slit your throat. Passive ability. Proficient with blades and hidden daggers. Increasing their base damage on par with swords and increasing dex when no heavy weapon is equipped.

Inhuman agility- I can do a triple backflip on a tightrope without a sweat. Passive ability. Climbing, balancing, and dodging are a breeze extra 10% chance of succeeding. Depending on DEX, gain additional attack speed.

Marksman- Terror at a distance. Advanced Players only (Bloody campers)

Character Bonuses: Bonuses to Dexterity and Luck

Stats at Level One:

Strength-3

Dexterity-16

Energy- 1

Mana- 1

Intelligence- 5

Luck- 11

Charisma- 3

Health: 750

Abilities:

Eagle Eye- Yes I did just hit that bird 60 feet away with only a pebble and a twig. Passive ability. Increased vision distance and auto-lock on. Less affected by distance distortion and projectile drop. 

Quickshot- You wanna do a quick draw? What do you mean I cheat? I swear I fired on three. I’m just too quick. Activate to heighten senses to the point that time feels slow for three seconds allowing a faster response. 

Dead eye- I can shoot ten arrows right down the middle with both my eyes closed. Passive ability. Bonus 20% in accuracy.

One Shot One Kill- I either take half your health or all of it. Passive ability. When using heavy ranged weapons 1 in 5 chance to crit. Headshots deal extra 110% damage. Chance of hitting vital is increased by luck.