It has been about 6 months since I first came to this other world, and I haven't really done much other than eat, sleep, hunt, and practice crafting things. I gained numerous other skills that I decided to max out since I have plenty at hand, including tree-running, running, survival, crafting, and Spearmanship. As one of my titles suggests, I decided on the spear as my weapon of choice to avoid standing out with a handgun in another world. The spear I have right now is a simple stone spear with a wooden handle and some hemp-rope to tie it down.
While being out here so long, I have come to realize that I am a little lonely. It is fun being out here without the craziness of city life, but I do miss having at least some form of human interaction. So, I think it's about time for me to pack up and say goodbye to my cozy forest home to try and find some civilization. I will be leaving it as is so I can come back to it at any time or allow others who might find it to use it.
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It's been about 10 hours since I left, deciding to follow the river towards the East, and I have found a decent sized lake. I should wash off, eat, and get some sleep...
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! HELP ME!!!"
"Well... the stereotypical damsel in distress cliché, what fun." I grab my spear and ready my handgun at my side in case I need it.
As I approach the direction of the scream, which I believe is North of the lake, I see a young girl about 10 years old running from a giant wild boar that's about 7 feet (2.3 meters) tall. This is probably not going to end well for my spear, no matter how well made it is.
"Oi! Jump to the side!" I ready my Glock, tossing my spear aside.
Bang bang bang bang bang!
Five rounds sent out as she moves out of the way, each of them hitting their target center mass on the boar.
As the rounds hit their target, the boar stumbles and falls to the ground, skidding to a stop only 2 feet away from me. "Whew, that was close. First time I've seen a proper monster in a while, I usually can only find their tracks. Now, where is that girl?"
"Umm, mister? Thank you for saving me, might I ask who you are?" She asks, looking nervously between me and the boar.
"The name is Asmund, you alright? Where are your parents?"
"Thank you, Sir Asmund, I will not forget this favor. M-My parents are at our mansion in Soldatenhafen. I wanted to leave the house for a while since I am never allowed out, and they had finally approved, but this happened..." She is one nervous girl but still impressively mature, but I can't really blame her for being nervous since she almost died just now.
"You are quite mature for someone your age, and you spoke of a mansion, are you some sort of noble?"
"Ah, yes my apologies, I forgot to introduce myself. I am Lady Annalise Grace Rommel, Second daughter of Duke Alfred Edwin Rommel."
"Ah, I am not a noble so sorry if what I say comes out a little rude."
"Ahh, no no worries Sir Asmund, I will not tell anyone, although many people would be hard pressed not to notice..."
"Um, alright then, I am a bit lost as well if I may admit, do you know the way out of these woods?"
"Well, sir, I do have a map since I was excited to leave the house, but I don't know where we are."
"Alright, well may I see it?"
"Of course, Sir Asmund."
(Map is supposed to be here, inset image function not working, please help)
"So, you are from the Western Empire? You said your parents are in Soldatenhafen, correct?"
"Yes, that is correct Sir Asmund."
"Alright, we will figure out where we are first thing tomorrow and head that way. Here's a blanket, I'll keep watch for the night. Also, stop calling me Sir Asmund, just Asmund is fine."
"...Thank you, Si-Asmund..."
"Yeah, no problem, get some sleep."
A.N.: Hopefully this gets published by the 11th, if not, just know that's when I set it to publish (exactly 6 months from the release of the last real chapter). Please let me know in the comments how to improve, since I know my writing is not the best. Also, sorry for the short chapter.
Dis man just lived in a fantasy world with magic for 6 months and he's still using a gun (and an hand crafted spear) for battle? Why doesn't he use magic in combat, he used magic before and it was so stupidly simple that he only had to think or say what it's supposed to do and it works. He can very easely make an ice spear or stone spear (He mentioned ice magic, but it isn't on his status screen?) that gets launched with wind magic, a lazer beam (light magic) to kill those monsters or just trap the monster with nature magic and cut their throat.
Him not using magic in battle (or trying to use in battle) seems very weird because he used to play an RPG where his stats and character are from in the first place.
And is this going to continue or not?
It will be continuing, but I have been busy with work as I just got a new job as a Deputy Sheriff and am in the middle of the Department's specialized training. Once I get sworn in on the 20th of July, I will be back on normal schedule. I will in the meantime try to get a chapter or two out in the next week or two. Regarding his use of a spear and gun, its what he is used to (at least for the gun, and a spear is what he used in his game as he wasn't a mage). For magic, while it is technically easy to use, it takes a lot of brain power and imagination, something that isn't necessary for using a gun or a spear which covers both long range and short range attacks. For shelters or for survival, of course he will use them. Also, his character and how he handles situations will change over time as he learns more about this world and it's...shortcomings.
"Ah, apologies for my rudeness then. I am not a noble, nor do I know any noble etiquette, so please forgive any transgressions on my behalf."
...
This type of conversation makes me sick. My immediate reaction is to unfollow and give a low rating of the writing. Here's why:
I am reminded of all of the "overpowered" yet spineless mcs who lick the boots of everyone in order to try to be politically correct, despite never acting that way in their life. This type of writing shows no concept of character individuality, and makes it clear that the author has not planned and considered the characters, their interactions and the plot of the story at all. As a result you get unrealistic interactions between characters which seem forced and have no purpose.
With that being said, how could you improve? (please note that I am not a writer, I am offering advice from a readers perspective)
What is your purpose in writing the story? Is it to pass time as a hobby? To improve at writing? Did you just have an idea you wanted to write down? Do you want to become a professional writer?
The purpose in your writing will help determine how much world building you feel you need. For example, if you were planning on writing a series of novels, with hundreds of pages each and millions of words, you would spend extra time conceptualising what the world you are writing about looks like- even if it doesn't go into the book or novel.
If you were just writing a short story or a novel as a hobby, obviously, you do not need as much however you still need to consider where your novel is going- a rough idea on how it finishes.
Try to come up with a clear idea on who your characters are: What are they like? What are their goals? What are their fears? Motives? How they might interact in various situations or deal with stress? How are they when they are relaxed?
The detail you put into the characters should be roughly proportional to the importance to the story- main characters will have the most detailed profiles.
Really consider if the interactions are suitable for the context. In your chapter, you had a guy save the life of a young girl. The guy is a former police officer. Why is he more concerned about her background rather than the directions to her house(/mansion)? Priority one would be to get her to safety. If he is apologising for not being politically correct, it shows he feels the need to conform to societal pressure, thus lacking in confidence. He is a former police officer with a license to carry guns. He should be trained to have confidence in situations like this, so why is he more flaccid than tissue paper? Build your mc more.
Consider the young girls' interactions for a moment. She should be frightened, trembling or too naive to realise the danger she was and currently is in. A guy who can suddenly and easily kill a monster that was threatening her life, who has been living in the wild for 6 months appears (I would imagine that if he was wearing the same clothing, it would look reasonably old) and she easily and willingly answers that she is the daughter of a noble who lives in a mansion. (Good old stranger danger) This wasn't too bad, however a 10 year old noble girl exploring a forest without guards... there are some good reasons for why such a thing may occur (such as a civil war type scenario where the parents send the girl into the forest for a chance of survival) however it just seems like it was poorly cut and pasted into place just to move the story along because the mc took 10 hours meandering around the forest looking for people.
I'm not a writer and I'm running out of criticising/advice steam, so although there's probably stuff that I missed, I'm just going to forget about that for now.
Thank you so much for giving me some proper feedback on my writing, it is a tremendous help. Just think I should clear some things up though:
1) I did correct that sentence and make it a bit more reasonable for someone to say, since it sounds too noble'ish for normal conversation.
2) He is a police officer, not a dictator, and officers are trained to be polite and respectful, especially to victims, and only show a commanding presence to those who they are taking into custody or who are not complying with lawful orders. Especially since she is a child, he would not be haughty or arrogant with her, instead trying to comfort her.
3) The main reason he isn't immediately asking how to get out of there and waits for later is, he needs to know a bit about her so he knows reasonably what to expect when interacting with her and how to approach speaking to her, as usually a kid of her age wouldn't be that respectful or knowledgeable of etiquette. Also, asking about where she comes from may remind her of her parents and of home, rather than the predicament she was just in, hopefully helping to comfort her and take her mind off things. Lastly, if she is a noble, he needs to know whether to expect rescue parties and be prepared to interact with people who might consider him a threat to their Lady.
4) You say she didn't react like someone should who knows about stranger danger, there is a very good reason for that which will be explored later in the story, but just know that she has not been outside of her mansion nor interacted with people outside of her family before today, nor has she been taught to fear people (reason being exposed later). All she knows is, someone saved her life just then and she needs to thank him. The reasons for respect she showed will also be revealed later on, but it has to do with the appearance of the MC.
5) Keep in mind, he has magic and built a small house, and has had time to get used to using at least the everyday life magics. It is fairly reasonable to assume he learned how to clean his clothes and Iron them using magic, as it's a fairly simple concept to understand. Also, he lived next to a river with no people around it, so clean water to wash off in every day, not something people back then commonly did since they were known to wash themselves about once a month from the records we have available.
6) Also, she did realize the danger she was in, hence why he says she looked very nervous and shaken. She just knows that this man told her to move out of the way and saved her life, it's fairly common sense to want to stick near someone who is capable of protecting you in a place you otherwise cannot protect yourself.
Please feel free to let me know if you have any other questions or concerns regarding the story. I am very glad you brought those points up though, I will be sure to try and keep them in mind when writing future chapters.