Amy

Marissa Carolina: So Ceci
Marissa Carolina: Did you go home with her?
Marissa Carolina: Inquiring minds want to know
Me: I like how you haven’t texted me since last May and now suddenly you wanna dish
Marissa Carolina: Oh come on, we see each other all the time, why would I need to text?
Marissa Carolina: I only need to text now because I couldn’t exactly ask you your plans for the rest of the night right in front of Janet Starr
Me: She’s a real person, Riss. You can just call her Renee, it’s really fine
Marissa Carolina: Do YOU call her Renee?
Me: …I’m starting to
Marissa Carolina: Ohhhh I see how it is
Marissa Carolina: Also you’re avoiding the question
Me: Fine. She came over to my place. You happy?
Marissa Carolina: If you’re happy
Marissa Carolina: Are you?
Me: Haha omg you have no idea
Me: She was talking to me about some hot shit and we went back to my place and um… did some things
Marissa Carolina: OMG did you fuck?!?!?
Me: Would it be a big deal if we did? We’ve fucked on camera, I’m not even sure how many times
Marissa Carolina: Off camera is different Ceci, I don’t need to tell you this
Me: OK fiiiiine we haven’t fucked off camera yet
Marissa Carolina: But something happened
Me: Yes.
Me: And it was hot
Marissa Carolina: And?
Me: And what? Where is this conversation going?
Marissa Carolina: To me asking “Are you in love with her Ceci?”
Marissa Carolina: Well, are you?
Me: Feels a little soon to say that
Marissa Carolina: Are you officially together? You sure seemed like you were in all but name last night
Me: She straight up told me last night that she was ready to be with me whenever I’m ready
Me: …but I’m still not ready
Marissa Carolina: Was it her asking you about shooting scenes with me that made it difficult? Because I was pretty, um, surprised by that
Me: I picked up on what you were doing there. I do appreciate it. But I don’t think I need to be protected from her polyamorous desires. Honestly, I don’t care who she fucks. I’m not trying to tie either one of us down. We already have a plan in place for how we handle all that. I don’t think it would change if we were officially together.
Marissa Carolina: Fair enough. I guess I just gotta ask then… what are you waiting for? What needs to be right that isn’t yet? What red flags are you getting?
Me: Wow, did Brandy steal your phone?
Marissa Carolina: Lol fuck you bitch, I’m capable of being emotionally intelligent and showing concern for my sisters!
Me: Lol I know, I’m just fucking with you
Me: To answer your question though… the vibes are incredible. She’s cooler and more thoughtful and more intelligent than I would ever have believed a mainstream porn star could be. I don’t see any red flags with her
Me: But I don’t really trust me
Me: I’m going to fuck it up
Marissa Carolina: How? Clearly she’s not demanding that you give up sex work or be monogamous… so what else could you do wrong?
Me: I’m always already doing it. I’ve somehow fooled her into thinking I’m cool and smart and worth her time. And I am SO not.
Marissa Carolina: I would ask you who says you aren’t all those things, but I don’t have to ask. YOU say.
Marissa Carolina: This is one of those times where you need to try to see yourself through her eyes, not through your own
Marissa Carolina: You’ve got a lot of issues you’re still struggling with, and she doesn’t have to look at you through the prism of those issues. She can just see how you are with her, and how you make her feel. Do you have a sense of how you make her feel?
Me: Oh god
Me: I guess…
Me: Honestly, Riss, I think I might be the first person who has ever really noticed how brilliant and interesting she is. And seriously, she’s so creative and smart. She wants to make her own movies, which is really why we first got talking, because she was interested in SoloSlams.
Marissa Carolina: But she’s been working on SoloSlams stuff with you for months, and she hasn’t even tried to start her own
Me: Lol not at all! I give her shit about it sometimes
Marissa Carolina: Tale as old as time. Come for the filmmaking experience, stay for the sweet beautiful girl who listens to you and thinks all your ideas are brilliant.
Me: …I guess that’s me?
Marissa Carolina: Look, I’m just your jaded older sister. I have no idea how she sees you. But considering how you talk about her, I have a feeling it’s something like that. She feels seen by you.
Me: Hah oh wow
Me: And I feel seen by her too
Me: She never makes me feel weird about being trans or having issues with food or being into weird sex shit
Marissa Carolina: She’s a porn star. Weird sex shit is old hat to her.
Marissa Carolina: Seriously, she gets laid all the damn time. She’s probably getting laid right now.
Me: Lol by some douchebag guy she’ll text me later complaining about
Marissa Carolina: Exactly! She gets more sex than she could possibly handle, but smart beautiful people who’ll listen to her and have intelligent conversations with her are in woefully short supply. I’ve done mainstream porn. I know of what I speak
Me: Oh for sure, you’re 100% right based on my brief experience with it too
Marissa Carolina: So you’re an oasis in a desert to her. You’re not gonna freak out that she’s a porn star and her big ambition is to direct porn movies of her own or whatever (god, I hope you don’t end up married to yet another boring feminist porn director)
Me: OMG stop trying to marry me off! I haven’t even been on a date with her yet!
Marissa Carolina: Last night was one. The day she gave you a rose was another
Me: STFU OMG you’re killing me
Marissa Carolina: My point is that she’s finally met a really cool, really beautiful person who understands her and still wants her around
Marissa Carolina: How could she not adore you? Seriously Ceci. You’re amazing.
Marissa Carolina: Also, I watched the two of you together. You adore her every bit as much as she adores you.
Marissa Carolina: She was literally feeding you tacos at one point. You were eating out of her hand, Ceci! That’s not even an exaggeration! THAT HAPPENED! I SAW IT!
Me: OMG
Me: I didn’t know anyone had seen that
Me: (also it was hot)
Me: (I apparently have a feeder kink, wtf is wrong with me)
Marissa Carolina: Wait, you’re telling me the girl who has had issues about food the ENTIRE TIME I’VE KNOWN HER has a feeder kink? SHOCKING!
Me: (also a whispering-dirty-things-to-each-other-with-the-lights-off closeted-teenage-lesbian-sleepover kink, apparently)
Marissa Carolina: I’m not even going to ask! You two are both over 18, you can do whatever you want when you’re in bed together roleplaying or whatever
Marissa Carolina: Just do me one favor – acknowledge that you are head over heels for her
Marissa Carolina: …
Marissa Carolina: Anytime now
Me: Sigh OK fine
Me: You’re right
Me: I’m super into her. I am down BAD
Marissa Carolina: OK then, one more question and I’ll let you go on with your day
Marissa Carolina: What if you never did anything about it? Would you still be happy if you just let this slowly fade away?
Me: I already kinda hate myself for it
Me: And I haven’t even blown it yet
Marissa Carolina: The surest way to blow it is just to do nothing and let the opportunity pass you by
Marissa Carolina: She’s literally told you she wants to be with you. The ball’s entirely in your court now. Don’t just let it go by.
Me: I know I know I know I know I know
Me: God damn it Riss
Marissa Carolina: I love you baby sis. Do something nice for yourself for once
Me: ❤️

By Friday afternoon, I’m about ready to lose it. I’ve been texting with Janet so frequently that it sorta feels like we’re having one long conversation all day, only taking breaks for her to shoot Blackout scenes or me to do SoloSlams filming or editing or whatever. I’ve had approximately one thousand chances to tell her that I’ve realized I really do want to be with her, but it’s never felt right. And like, should I even do it over the phone? I shouldn’t, should I? Also, it might be weird to invite her to come over just randomly so I can tell her something. I’ll see her Monday. That’s when I’ll talk to her about it. Assuming I don’t explode before then.

I start my livestreams every Friday at about 4 pm, so right before the time comes around, I let Janet know I’m gonna disappear for a few hours. Then I turn my phone off. I need to minimize distractions. I keep expecting my livestreams to hit a point of peak crazy-over-Janet and then drop back to something like the levels I used to hit, but so far it hasn’t happened. I’m bracing myself for today’s to be two hours of insanity.

As soon as I start the stream, I’ve got 15 people watching. Within maybe a minute, the number is over 100. Even in recent terms, this is a bit intense. By the time I’ve been on for five minutes, I’m in the high three figures. Keep in mind, people have to be subscribed to me to even see that the stream is happening. Sub numbers are going up in real time, and all those people are joining the stream. I’m starting to think the link got posted to some disreputable corner of Reddit. What else could explain this?

I know the explanation though. Janet Starr. The chat is positively feral about her.

            Anon256435909: god damn it, where is Janet Starr? I was told there’d be Janet Starr!
            DAnKBuTtnUgS13-420-69: Nah, she’s never on the livestreams
            crystal-pistol: Amy hi! I can barely get a word in edgewise through the wall of creepos lol
            Sneakosimp2347: Fuck off femoid
            DAnKBuTtnUgS13-420-69: Oh god, are there incels in here?
            squirrelgirl99: Who else watches SoloSlams streams?
            Sk8rgrlx: I’m watching with my girlfriend. We’re actually hoping something sexy happens. At SOME POINT.
            Sk8rgrlx: Why is everyone acting so nutty about Janet Starr anyway?
            Anon256435909: People told me this was Janet Starr’s girlfriend’s SoloSlams channel and she’s on it all the time
            squirrelgirl99: Good point, Amy, when’s Janet gonna be on a livestream?

I sigh deeply. We’re seven minutes in, and nothing sexy is happening. I’ve said hi to some familiar names, but it feels like people who’ve been with me for a while are all bailing out or keeping quiet. Too much Janet-related nonsense.

“OK, I’m invoking the Megachat-only rule,” I say. “I keep having to do this every week, and I’m gonna do it again, because you guys are spamming the chat with crap about Janet Starr even worse than usual. In case anyone is confused, that’s not why we’re here! The goal of these chats is for me and my freaky friends to engage in some sexual hijinks! So if you guys are gonna act as an obstacle to that, well… you’re gonna have to cough up some dough.”

I glance at the amount of people on the stream and do a double-take: 3753. What is happening?

As I’m thinking this, a Megachat comes in. Screwball69 Sent a MEGACHAT request: $25 What do we have to do to get Janet Starr on a stream?

I groan in frustration. “You guys, her name is Renee! Stop it with all the ‘Janet Starr’ bullshit! I’ve explained this previously!” Never mind that I was lying when I explained it, of course. These people need to mind their own business.

Douche-crew-82 Sent a MEGACHAT request: $5 We all know two things for sure: 1 – you have a girlfriend. 2 – your girlfriend is Janet Starr, regardless of what name you use for her

I laugh. “Douche Crew, I can’t believe you not only just ‘more a comment than a question’-ed me, but that you only spent $5 to do it. You’re a chintzy bastard.”

Douche-crew-82 Sent a MEGACHAT request: $15 There, you happy? Tell us the truth

This is maybe the weirdest way I’ve ever had a conversation in my life. That said, I’ll roll with it.

“Something very important that I need to get across to all of you is that Renee is not my girlfriend,” I say. “We’re… figuring it out, I guess. But right now she’s just a friend I play with regularly. And before you ask, yes, she gets a cut from the videos she appears in, what kind of asshole do y’all think I am?”

Spinningtop Sent a MEGACHAT request: $15 I figured she was doing it as an extracurricular thing because she’s in ❤️with U. She makes enough from Blackout Video anyway, right?

I fall backward onto my bed, groaning. “Guys, can we talk about anything else? Please?” I sit back up. “I thought everyone was here because they’re horny. I’m horny! I want to do dirty dirty things to myself for your viewing pleasure! Not talk about a girl I’ve been hanging out with lately.” Before I can stop myself, I add, “Who is admittedly incredible in bed.”

Shallow_water_blackout Sent a MEGACHAT request: $10 Fine, I’ll play your game. How much do we have to pledge to get “Renee” to come on the livestream next week and answer questions?

I groan and put my head in my hands. Then I look up. “You know what? Five thousand dollars! There are a ton of you on this chat right now. If each of you Megachats me $2, we can raise that money no problem!” I lean forward and look directly into the camera. “But I bet you bitches are too cheap to do it.”

I’m not expecting anything. Or at least, I’m not expecting that they’ll do much more than fall woefully short of the price I’ve set on her appearance, and then give up. And maybe then I can run off all these lookie-loos – To be fair, they’re paying me a whole bunch of money to be here, a voice from the back of my brain says – and get back to the business at hand. I run my fingertips across my crotch and smile to myself.

But as I do that, Megachats start rolling in. $5 Renee. $15 get Janet Starr up in here. $12 all I can swing right now, but I want to see Janet. $100 we’re fucking serious about this. Janet Starr. Make it happen.

The smile fades from my face quickly as I watch my total Megachat number climb rapidly. Within a minute, we’re over a thousand dollars.

“My god, you guys were serious, weren’t you,” I mutter to myself. Then I pull it together. “Regardless!” I declare. “While these numbers are impressive, it won’t get you—” I come within a hair’s breadth of calling her Janet, thankfully choke it off, then continue “—Renee on my livestream! More donations are needed! Keep those pledges coming! Orrrr you could just throw me a few bucks to do some dirty shit, and we could move on from all this foolishness.”

Nope. That’s not what’s happening. If anything, the Megachats come faster and harder. $50 I have questions for Janet Starr. $100 If I have to shell out to talk to Janet Starr, I will. $80 let’s make this thing happen already. $45 Are we calling her Renee? Fine, get Renee on here.

The overall number for the stream is at $3820. I’m sitting there staring at it as it keeps climbing. “$4100. $4250. What is even happening, you guys,” I’m muttering. The number gets within a few hundred bucks of $5000, and I mumble, “Jesus, y’all. Another $280 and we’re there.”

Then it hits. floatingplanetears Sent a MEGACHAT request: $280 Boom baby! Janet Starr next week!

“Holy crap, you did it,” I say. “Well… I hope you’re all proud of yourselves. You’ve certainly made a struggling trans camgirl’s day! You can remember that when you’re eating ramen for dinner every day next week.” I laugh. I’ll also probably eat ramen for dinner every day next week, unless Janet comes over and orders us sushi on Doordash or something like that. God, sushi would be the perfect food for her to feed to me, says a voice in the back of my brain. I think of her delicately offering me bites of taco at the bowling alley the other night, then letting me lick the juice off her fingers. I shiver to myself. Guess I really am a sicko. As if that’s news.

I open my eyes and look back at the computer screen. The Megachats have slowed down, but not stopped. We’re several hundred dollars past my $5000 goal by now. It’s time to move on.

“OK, so, just to make it official, we’ll have Renee on the livestream next week,” I say. I try not to think about how I’m going to break it to Janet, or whether she’ll even want to come on, regardless of the money. I already have one scary thing to tell her about. Now I have two. Whatever. Worry about it later.

“Now, further discussion of my sometime filming partner is over, at least for me. Y’all talk among yourselves if you want, but I’m not paying attention to the chats, and further Megachats about Renee will be ignored. Let’s get up to some freaky shit already. Does anyone have any fun ideas?”

I wait about 30 seconds, then a Megachat comes in. crystal-pistol Sent a MEGACHAT request: $25 Hey Amy, what about getting that dildo you and Renee took on a month or so ago? The prostate-stimulating one? Bring it back out!

I laugh. “Damn, Crystal, bringing back the sex toy that started it all! What’s crazy is, the whole reason I had her on that first time was because I was afraid I couldn’t handle that dildo by myself! We ended up having fun, but if I got it back out now… I’d be by myself again!”

            Marvel616UI: We’d be here with you Amy!
            crystal-pistol: Yeah, we’ll call the fire brigade if you need to be rushed to hospital to save you from the extreme prostate stimulator                    5000!
            Judgment-hurricane: Finally I get to find out how sick you really are

I laugh. “Oh, I like to get freaky, don’t be fooled. This thing, though…” I lean over the side of the bed and rifle through my box of sex toys. It has slid down to the bottom, but I find it eventually, “…is a monster.” I reach behind me, almost to where Frankie is hanging out on the far back corner of my bed, and grab a giant purple bottle. “Fortunately, we have our friends from Slippery When Wet lubrication on hand to help! They’re not quite the official lubricant of this channel, but they did send a big-ass box of lube, and we still have a lot left, so… they’re A-OK by me!”

            Dumpsterdemon69 Sent a MEGACHAT request: $10 A big-ass box of lube for a big ass, amirite?

I crack up. “Salute to you, Dumpsterdemon69, for paying ten bucks to make that wisecrack for everyone’s enjoyment! By the way, do we think of having a big ass as a good thing? I like big asses on other people… when it comes to me I get self-conscious. I hope you guys like my ass, regardless of what size you consider it to be.” As I’m saying all this, I’m squirming around in front of the camera, halfway tipped over onto my back. I’ve got my lacy black halter camisole pulled up to just under my boobs, and I’ve ditched the black g-string I was wearing entirely.

            Monsterman13 Sent a MEGACHAT request: $5 A big-ass box of lube for a big-ass DILDO, more like it.

“Yes, thank you, Monsterman13, that’s the truest thing that can be said about this situation,” I say as I move from lubing up my ass to covering the giant buttplug in my hand with a stupendous additional amount of lube. “And now it’s time to see how I do with this thing on my own. Everyone cross your fingers for me!”

I like to kid around with my people, but the plan is for all this to get very sexy very quickly, so I check the laptop to make sure my ass is framed in the camera, lie as far back as I can, and slowly work the round top of the dildo into my butthole. It doesn’t get really intense until it’s most of the way to the widest part, at which time I take a deep breath and slide it in past the wide section. After that, my ass starts sucking it in on its own, and I can feel myself filling up. It’s not painful – which is good; pain would be a bad sign – but it’s intense, and somewhat overwhelming. Almost immediately, I’m gasping a little. And I can feel it brushing up against my prostate. It’s nice. So this is what they were saying it was designed to do, I think, and I squirm around so that the bed is helping to press it up inside me.

I can’t see the laptop at all from the position I’m in, but I’m sure the folks at home can see plenty of what they’re here for. I hear the sound of an occasional Megachat arriving, which is nice, but I’m not really thinking about what’s happening in the chat. I’m thinking of the last time I used this thing, of Janet’s hands on me as we worked it inside me. I let my eyes close as I imagine that the thing pressing the dildo deeper into me and causing such a sensation for my prostate is not the bed but Janet’s hand. She’s pressing it into me. It’s so good. Between my imagination conjuring up the memory of her smile and her sparkling eyes, and the undeniably amazing feelings emanating from deep inside me, I’m already half-hard. I can feel my cock stiffening further as I reach down between my legs. I slide my other hand up my torso toward my breast, imagining Janet fondling my breast, pinching my nipple, leaning down to kiss me, her tongue tingling across mine inside my mouth and as I press my tongue against the back of my own teeth, a moan escapes me and I slide my hand over my penis, then down onto that delightfully sensitive place that in my private imagination I think of as my pussy, even though I know I don’t have one, I’m not delusional, but I can also feel where it would be, and it’s so so good to lightly stroke it with my fingertips and feel the sensation shoot up my spine and light in my nipples. They’re so hard, and my dick is too, and I’m gripping it and stroking the edge of the head with my thumb as I think of Janet kissing down my belly, taking me into her mouth, reaching under me and pressing the dildo deeper inside me, and my prostate is lighting up inside me and my nipples are glowing and my cock is so so warm and I’m cumming, oh god yes, I’m cumming, I’m keening and groaning and words are pouring from my mouth: “Baby, yes! Oh baby, yes oh yes oh yes” and I briefly think Thank god I didn’t say her name, because I know which name I would have said, and it’s not the one cleared for use on this livestream. And then I’m sagging back onto the bed, spent, covered in sweat (and a few drops of semen), realizing I have somehow squeezed the dildo out of myself (that’ll save some trouble later) and I’m giggling for some reason, and at the same time feeling a little sad that there isn’t actually anyone here to kiss me and whisper softly and sweetly to me about how beautiful I am and how much she … loves me?

Oh god. Am I now experiencing an intense post-orgasmic desire to be told I am loved and accepted exactly as I am? What kind of subby bottom-ass instinct is that?

And just as that thought passes through my brain, another follows it. It’s OK to want love. Even as you are now. And for once in your life, if you asked for it, you might actually get it.

I smile for a second, contemplating this thought. Then I raise my head, look at my laptop, and see the display of Megachat dollars I’ve raised during this stream. $7932. Holy shit.

How am I ever going to explain this to Janet?