I arrived at the bar somewhat late for the party as usual. The holiday season had been busy this year but I still made time for the little bashes that they put on from time to time. Or at least most of them. I took a pass on the Thanksgiving party but the New Year's Eve party always lived up to expectations. I waved to the bartender as I wove through the tables.

"Manhattan?"

I read her lips more than heard her as she brought up a martini glass from below the counter. I nodded as I situated myself on an empty barstool.

"Mary?"

I looked up to the bartender but she was busy with the drink, I had to do a double take as I looked to my left and saw a familiar face looking up at me.

"Riley?"

She smiled, seeming to brighten as she swiveled on her stool to face me, "Long time no see!" She threw her arms up in exaggerated glee.

Unsurprisingly she looked just like I remembered from two or so months ago, though she was dressed more casually this time with a hoodie and skinny jeans. Her hair hadn't grown terribly much but it was styled this time rather than covered in a cheap wig. I frowned as I noticed bags under her eyes.

I tried to keep my tone light as I teased back. "I swear I told you how to remove the glamour. You haven't been stuck like this for the last two months have you?"

Her smile was strained as she shrugged. She pulled her sleeves down over her hands and crossed her legs as she avoided the question. 

"Haha, yeah… I mean no, I haven't been stuck. I just kinda… kept it…"

I thanked the bartender as she placed the Manhattan on a napkin in front of me before turning back to the increasingly distraught Riley.

"That's fine. You still wear it well, baby girl."

She blushed, mustering a brief smile before her expression became strained again.

"I- yeah… Thanks." 

"So did your sister bring you to this party too?"

Her confusion was adorable as she paused, seeming to dissect the question before answering.

"Nooo?" 

"Then nobody will object if I steal you away to catch up." I put on my most charming smile as I took her hand and led her to an empty table. She grew flustered as I wove our fingers together. At least some things never seem to change.

“Soooooo have you given more thoughts to things and stuff?” I had to practically talk into her ear to be heard over the din of the bar. 

She nodded, scooting her chair closer and taking my hand again. I had to admire her newfound boldness. "Yeah. I vaguely remember you saying something about eggs? And then you had me watch the matrix which was pretty obvious in hindsight. I guess. Yeah you had me pegged.-I mean. Uh…"

Her face turned red and I howled in laughter at her antics. I released her hand to put an arm around her shoulder as I made a weak effort at controlling myself. "Oh Riley, you're a hoot."

"I'm glad you're amused." I could tell she was trying to seem grumpy but having to shout made her seem petulant. 

"You wanna go somewhere quieter in a bit?" 

"Absolutely." 

I barely had time to finish my drink before she was up and pulling me to the door. I managed a quick wave goodbye to the bartender before we were out of the noise and back on the relatively quiet sunset street.

"I know a good cookie place. Would you like a cookie? It'll be my treat."

I shrugged, she laced our fingers together this time and I began to wonder what I'd gotten myself into a couple months ago. 

"Yeah a cookie sounds fine. I can buy my own though."

She nodded but I got the feeling she wasn't listening. 

"They also have ice cream if you want that."

"I mostly want to know what's going on with you." She stopped at last, releasing my hand as she turned to look up at me. The confident façade seemed to crumble before my eyes as she alternated between meeting my eye and looking anywhere else.

"I just wanted to see you again… after you helped me so much." She wiped at her eyes and I pinched the bridge of my nose as I thought over my options.

"I meant like in your life and stuff. I know you're acting weird but I'm still just curious about how you've been, okay? What sorta journey have you had since we last talked?" I nudged her to lead the way again and she seemed to rouse from her thoughts. 

"Oh. Yeah well I spent a lot of time thinking. And I talked to my sister a bunch and then found stuff online. Mostly I just told my family I wanna start going by my middle name again and I have been uh… consulting professionals for some light glamour work. Just to tide me over for something more permanent." 

"Mmm sneaky sneaky" I teased, squeezing her hand as she laughed sheepishly. 

"Yeah. I'm just tryin to be happy I suppose. I'm chasing some sort of fleeting euphoria and the more I chase it the more it feels like I'm just running away from bad thoughts. I used to be okayish with my body but now I hate little details about it all the time." She paused to laugh bitterly "that sounds like an authentic girl experience if I ever heard of one."

I murmured my agreement. "Welcome to the fairer sex. Or something. That sounds pretentious. I sympathize and empathize and all that. There is nothing right or just about you taking on this sort of baggage."

"It feels authentic at least." She grumbled

I rolled my eyes. "Authenticity is not the measure of value you should be after. Authentic estrogen is well and good but store bought is just fine. I promise. Hell, some of my cis friends are on store bought for PCOS."

She shrugged and led me around the corner to a shop where the line was out the door. I could tell we were at the right place just by smell when the door opened.

"I figured 'the baked pear' was like a pie place or something. Not an ice cream sandwich shop. I've passed this a couple times." 

She brightened considerably at the subject change. "Yeah! Me too originally but they make pretty decent cookies and ice cream IMO. Maybe not the best I've ever had but always warm and fresh."

"Doesn't a warm cookie just melt the ice cream faster?"

"Yeah, so you have to eat it fast while it's warm and cold." 

I mimicked her order when we got to the counter and watched with mild amusement as completed sandwiches were flash warmed in an oven without melting the ice cream. The result was expensive and messy but this seemed to be expected given the boats the sandwiches were served in and the inclusion of a spoon. 

"So what did you want to do after cookies and cream?" I spoke through a mouthful, much to Riley's amusement. 

"I dunno. I didn't plan that far ahead. We could go back to the party?" 

I shrugged. "Or there are two more matrix movies and a grocery store with fruit for sangria on the way."

"They're open this late?"

"If they aren't there's a liquor store next door to them that Is."

I picked at my cookies and cream soup as we walked and tried to be subtle when I tossed the mess a block away from the parlor. 

Riley seemed more eager to grab my now free hand than anything and I couldn't help but grin at her infatuation. 

She had been babbling the entire time we walked and I managed to focus back in as we entered the grocery store. It was a fancy place, the sort that stocked weird stuff like ginger syrup and vegan cheese. 

"-and my uncle sucks at getting my name right but my grandpa seems to have figured it out so that's nice."

I nodded and grabbed a basket, holding it out for her as she made a team effort of picking out fruits and snacks for our impromptu date. 

Date seemed like the only word for it. Suddenly I was dating again, going on a second date with a newly hatched trans girl that thought I hung the moon. I rolled the thought around in my mind. I found her cute, sure. Her company was enjoyable, I just usually couldn't imagine myself with all my damage fitting with someone so naïve and child-like. I grimaced involuntarily. No, Riley was an adult and should be considered as one. 

"Something wrong?" She looked up at me and I realized I was holding her hand a little extra tight. 

"No-i mean kinda but not really. Just some Intrusive thoughts. Do we have everything?"

"What about?" She squeezed my hand as I fumbled my words. I don't know why I didn't plan for a follow up question. 

"It's just been a long time since I've… dated… and I have some reservations."

She seemed deep in thought for a long moment. "If this is a date I can google U-Haul places if you want." Her teasing tone caught me by surprise and I couldn't help but laugh with her at the ridiculousness of the situation.

"It doesn't have to be a serious thing," she continued. "I just think you're neat and want to get to know you. Maybe as a friend or maybe as something else." 

"God that's cheesy as fuck." I mumbled and I nearly dropped the basket when she slapped my arm lightly. 

"You started it. Anyways we do everything out of order it seems so why not this too?"

"Why not." I agreed, glad that she seemed to take the concept of a date in stride. 

Our trip through the grocery store was over before I knew it. One second we were stealing kisses in the dairy isle and the next I was handing my card to a thoroughly unamused cashier. 

We stuffed as much as we could in the pockets of Riley's hoodie, even using the hood before carrying the rest. 

"I never have a bag with me when I go there." I grumbled as we left the store. I considered grabbing one of the boxes in the entryway but it was easy enough to just hold the two oranges. 

Better to look stupid caring fruit than to look stupid caring a nearly empty box of fruit. 

Blessedly, the walk home from the store was even shorter and we seemed to almost resume a routine as we got in. Riley joked about offering to strip as I started the tv and broke down the fruits for the drink. 

I tried to make small talk as I assembled the sangria. "So you've had an interesting couple of months. What's next for you?" 

She flopped on the couch dramatically, looking at me upside down over the armrest. 

“Next is a difficult concept right now. I’m working at being who I want to be ya know? I spent so much  time just being who I thought I could be that I’m pretty regularly overwhelmed by my new possibilities. Like before I knew I could be a girl I was always trying to be the best guy I could be but now I can be the best girl? If that makes sense?”

“Very zen. I think. Regardless it sounds wise to hear you say it.”

“I’ve had to do a lot of growing. Or at least adapting. I pulled a pretty big power move on my family by keeping the glamour and being out all of a sudden. Like I didn’t even take a couple stealthy months to make it so there were signs just Bam! Daughter.” I laughed as she clapped for emphasis. 

“What about you? What’s next for the mighty Mary?”

I picked up the orange I had dropped in the split second I froze. She was watching me with interest, upside down again as I tried to focus on an answer and still work on the drink. “Uh… geeze. I guess I'm working on myself too?” I gulped audibly as some unseen force compelled me to continue. “I’ve kinda… been trying to avoid catching feelings. I thought I would be better off if I kinda kept to myself and stuck with friends… this is weird, I normally wouldn't spill like this but… like. You can tell that I kinda pushed you out the door. And that wasn't very kind but I thought it was what I needed. I… I'm sorry for that.” guilt settled in my stomach and twisted like a knot.

Through the blur I saw her get up and pick up one of the fruits that had rolled off the counter. I took the opportunity to wipe at my eyes as she rinsed it in the sink behind me.

“I think… I think I wanna try opening up a bit. Like I am now. Or something. Maybe stop choosing loneliness for safety and stuff.”

“If you didn’t already know, I forgive you.” I felt her wrap her arms around my waist from behind and hug herself to my back. When I clammed up she whispered “shhhhhh, platonic friendship comfort hug time.”

I laughed despite myself as she swayed side to side a moment before releasing me. 

“But yeah. It's okay that you pushed me out. You weren't cruel and you didn’t owe me more or anything. And I had my sister to support me anyways so it wasn't even like a big deal. I mean yeah it wasn't super comfy catching feelings and then getting cut out but I had other distracting earth shattering revelations to keep it from hurting.”

“That doesn’t make it okay…” 

I grumbled more to myself than her but she chimed back unperturbed.

“I think the night did me a lot of good in general and frankly I refuse to see it as less than fantastic.”

“Oh great, an optimist.” I droned sarcastically as I finished the drink and turned to face her. She took my hands in hers and stared up at me for a long, almost uncomfortable, moment.

“I'm glad you’re real.” she seemed to blurt out randomly. She must have seen my confusion because a moment later she continued, “I'm glad you're not larger than life like some goddess among womankind. You’re more dateable like this. At least I think so.”

I dropped one of her hands and led the way to the couch, situating her as before in my lap. She poured our glasses as I fiddled aimlessly with the TV remote.

“Since we are gonna be besties now you should gimme your phone.” she made grabby hands like a crab as I tried to pull my phone out of my back pocket without dumping her on the floor. I watched as she made a new contact with her phone number and set the name to “Coolest Girl I Know (Riley)” and she started typing a message to herself: “My beloved Riley I love you soooooo much-” I snatched the phone back.

I edited the message behind her back before sending it. Shielding myself from the inevitable elbow to the stomach as she checked her phone. 

“My beloved Riley, you are a stinker.”