Depression.

            Today it grips me again. Nothing happened. Nothing went wrong. Nobody said anything mean to me. But still, despite all this, I feel overwhelmed as if there was a mountain of problems knocking down my doorstep.

            As I sit here thinking of the many things that I need to do and procrastinating I wonder how low my grade point average will drop. Already I have lost my perfect 4.0 that I spent so long agonizing over and spending long hours working to keep.

            I will grant that it is still a 3.99 and I have no reason to complain but even today I find myself procrastinating. I have played cell-phone games and read light novels for hours instead of spending the one- or two-hours doing homework that I need to in order to put myself in a good position.

            At the beginning of today it was eight in the morning and I had cooked breakfast for my lady and I and spent some time relaxing, telling myself that I would go forward and do my homework soon. Now I have less than four hours left until I have to go to bed due to needing to go to work in the morning and I haven’t even begun to do my homework.

            Worse still, I have not written a chapter in advance either to progress my writing career. This writing that I am doing now does not count as it is merely another device towards procrastination while I vent my frustration.

            There is a condition that occurs frequently among the mentally ill where they have difficulty initiating tasks on their own. They have been beaten down and told not to do things for so many years that they find themselves unable to do things without something forcing them.

            In this way I can explain my lack of ability to enforce stricter standards on myself but at the same time it does not save me from the consequences from my actions or inactions.

            If I do not go to work, I will not get paid. That means that I will then become unable to pay my mortgage and bills. If this happens then I will become homeless and lose everything that I have spent my life working towards.

            At the same time, If I do not do my homework I will not pass my classes and not only will I be stuck working at dead end jobs forever, but I will be saddled with almost fifty thousand in student debts for a bachelor degree program through an online college.

            Simultaneously, I do not want to let my writing stop because it has been helping me through some of my problems upstairs (in my mind) and so as a form of therapy it is beneficial. At the same time thought it adds another level of stress because I am trying to perform as if it was a full time job and hope that I will eventually get enough sponsors to be able to do it for a living or possibly do it and work in order to set myself up for the future.

            I work incredibly hard, manage my money well, closed on my first mortgage before the age of 25 and have a wonderful woman in my life. If all these things are true, then why do I feel like I am failing all the time? Why do I feel like all I am doing is letting down a series of people one after another?

            The answer is depression. Depression is in the mind and it effects the way you view the world. It makes you see the world as overwhelming, yourself as unimportant and unimpressive, and your friends and family as those who only stay around you for this reason or that (Money, help, sex, stroking their ego, etc.)

            When you are sick in the head it is unbearable at times and yet it looks, on the surface, as if nothing at all is wrong. And, why would people think any different when, in fact, nothing is wrong at all. The only thing wrong with me is that my mind is unable to see the world as it should and unable to simply take joy from such things as a job well done or making it through to the next month of bills and rent.

            Is it because we were all promised that we could be doctors and lawyers and firemen and the president of the United States if we decided we wanted to but then when we grew up we realized that doctors need an extra eight years of school and lawyers need seven. Firemen and police make almost nothing compared to the fact that they put their life on the line every day. Finally, politicians are generally corrupt, and the system does not allow for a good one to make a lot of positive changes.

            Is it truly that I am depressed or is it that I am seeing the world for what it truly is? Am I upset because the chemicals in my brain are unbalanced or because I am forced to go to work everyday so that other people can get rich and I can only keep getting by without any real chances for growth?

           Is it because getting a promotion only shows a small increase in profit as compared to a huge increase in workload and responsibility? Is it due to the fact that those that have power and money will take steps at every turn to make sure that those who do not have money do not get their hands on it? People with more money than they, their children, and their grandchildren could spend while others are starving and homeless on the streets.

            Is it because my mind is lying to me or is it because a trip to the doctor costs over a hundred dollars even with my medical insurance which I am forced to buy and does nothing until I spend over $5k within a single year? Is it because I have a skewed view on life or because every joint in my body hurts constantly and the cost of dental work is outside of the average person’s budget?

            There are many reasons to feel depressed, from things going on in your life to simple mental illness which skews your views. Are we asking the right questions though? Is it right to take drugs to numb us to those things which are so horrifying and terrible or is it better to run screaming through the streets asking what is wrong with people for accepting this way of life and not rising up in mass and simply taking the much from the few.

            It goes without saying that I am not calling people to arms, nor telling people that violence is the answer. I am only stating that, at least for me, I find my depression altogether justified. The world has been shit to me from the day I came into this world and there is no reason to believe it will change now.

            I have my woman and our dogs. My home and a handful of friends. I am truly blessed. That does not take away from the suffering of my childhood or the daily suffering I experience just trying to live this gods damned life.