It was strange, hearing Lily call me by my first name. Usually, she would call me “dahling.” Just like that: dahling. With the “ar” turned into an “ah.” She had done that since we were kids, elongating the word and changing it to a sweet musing; a vibrant, sexy, thrilling word instead of what you might say to your grandson when he’s being naughty.

Lily was like that. She took little moments and turned them into grand gestures. She imprinted herself into situations and copyrighted them before mass producing and sending them off into some faraway land. She was the type of person who owned the room, who said things like “carpe diem;” and “Veni, Vidi, Vici;” and “dahling.” 

She was so different from me, but she seemed to find some amusement from my awkwardness.

“Fred? You there?”

I woke up from my trance. “Lily?”

“Well, who else would it be, dahling?”

There it was. “I was wondering when you might pull out that pet name. I was starting to become suspicious you had been Replaced.”

I could feel a smile on her lips, even though the logical part of my brain knew it wasn’t really there. “Dahling, I’m all original.”

I walked into my house, eyes adjusting to the darkness. I could see her at the kitchen table: a little bob of pink hair sticking out just enough in the blackness. I sat down across from her.

“You couldn’t have at least turned a light on?”

“But that would have ruined the surprise!”

“What surprise?” I asked, already dreading the answer.

That smile again, the one that wasn’t really there. “Well . . . we got a call today.”

“From who?”

“The man from Nagai.”

I sighed. I knew what that meant. I didn’t even need to ask. They found another pound of hamburger. I felt queasy just thinking about it; the chili turned out to not have been the best idea. And I should have gotten more beer.

“Well, dahling, what do you think? Are you getting closer?” She sounded almost like her old self, now. I don’t know if that terrified me or excited me. Probably a bit of both.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, what do you think?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hmpf.” Her lower lip just shot out. She wasn’t real-pissed, but she was definitely fake-pissed. She didn’t like the idea of me not knowing something, she never did. Even when we were kids that summer in the Catskills and I didn’t know what my father did, she couldn’t take that as a satisfactory answer. 

“If you don’t know, dahling, just find out!” She’d say, annoyed and inquisitive. I may have been the one who always came up with the way to implement her ideas, but they were always her ideas. She was the one who always thought up the scenarios, it was just my job to implement them. She was the one who thought up the idea to dye her hair that bright pink, and I was the one to book the appointment. 

She had moved away from the table now, and I could hear her flipping through some papers on the kitchen counter. 

“Oh hey, Freddy, I was wondering when you would wake up.” She knew I hated that nickname. And when she was being purposefully snotty.

“How long was I out?”

“Oh, about five minutes, dahling. Not so long, but you should really get some rest now and again.” Was that genuine concern I had heard? Maybe she’s getting close to being Replaced.

As if she were reading my mind, she said “I’m just worried about you is all, dahling. I’m not around as much as I used to be, and it’s hard for me to keep you from letting yourself fall apart.”

“I’m fine, really.”

“Okay,” she said, untrusting, before suddenly beaming and saying “Oh! Have you eaten today? I could whip something up right now for you if you want! Anything tickle your fancy?”

I dreaded having any more of her cooked meals, seeing as last time she almost poisoned me. Mistaking rat poison for salt will do that.

“No, thank you. I ate at Diane’s Place.”

“Ooooo, stepping out on me I see.” I could feel her nudge me in my bicep.

I smiled. “Carpe diem”

“Carpe diem,” she repeated, well aware of the irony.

I stood up from the kitchen table and went to turn on the overhead lights.

“No, dahling, let’s sit and talk just a little longer.”

“But I need to work. Especially since he called today.”

“Just tell me about how the project is going. You know, it’s kind of my right to know.”

I couldn’t argue with that, but I didn’t feel like sitting down and describing all the trials we were going through every day. About how the Tethers were not fully complete yet and how I had Nagai on my back every day. 

How did you do this, Dad? I thought, suddenly aware of how hard these last couple weeks have been. Why did you do this? Why did you do this to me? Why not leave it to that man, the one from Nagai? What did you see in me that I can’t see in myself? If I did something wrong and this was a punishment, tell me. If this is truly my duty, my calling on this Earth, then tell me. If you are proud then just look at me and tell me. Notice me again. You were always looking through me, so just notice me.

I shut my eyes and count to ten. I think that Lily asked me what I was doing, or why I was doing that, or what I was hoping to accomplish. At any rate, I ignored her. When I opened my eyes again, I would see my Dad and he would tell me that this is okay, that he’s proud of me, that all of this was for some purpose. 

Of course, when I opened them there was nothing there. I sighed and went to the light.

“Wait, dahling, no . . . stop, please . . . Fred!”

I switched on the light and a gust of wind blew by me on its way to another dark corner of the house.

Lily was going to be storming the next time I saw her.