Chapter 6.

With GDR Yin finally gone, at long last, I was free. I typically never referred to her by her real name since I was accustomed to calling her the Greater Demon Retard. She’d never been particularly bothered by that form of address either and she’d long accepted that unofficial, off the record, title I tagged her with. 

Despite her aloof nature, I always had a sneaking suspicion she was some sort of masochist with how easily she accepted that title. She never got mad when I called her that for the first time all those years ago. However, it might just be she felt contempt toward herself so she was fine with it. In all likelihood, she probably genuinely felt that way about herself due to her lack of control over that ridiculous world-ending asteroid attack of hers.

I exited my closet, locked it on the way out, then threw all but one of the scattered swords on the ground back into their original garbage bags. My room was truly a congested mess. Every inch of the floor was covered by garbage bags filled with these so-called legendary swords. Their only purpose for their pitiful existence these days was life as carpet to keep the floor from getting dirty.

At least, that’s what I told myself to avoid having to clean up this mess. Hoarder, that was the term people would label me with.

I climbed over the piles of garbage bags in the way, eventually arrived on top of my bed, and in almost no time at all, I passed out.

Three days later, as I exited my place to head on over to the bar and drink my sorrows away per the usual, someone called out to me.

“NPC69! We’re finally… back.”

“Sorry, who were you again?”

“The hero!”

“Hero? Is this the ‘it’s me, it’s me’ scam I’ve heard rumors of?”

“Stop messing around!”

“Ah. Wait. Sorry, you’re right... I almost forgot what you guys looked like since it’s been a while. You guys seem pretty worn out.”

“And whose fault do you think that is?”

“So, you really went and killed one hundred thousand wyverns?”

“Yes.”

“I see. Well, here’s your reward I guess.”

I pulled out the legendary sword I’d randomly picked out back when the GDR visited me.

“Your next quest is to kill one million dragons. Good luck with that. It should be doable with that legendary dragon slayer sword.”

Thud.

Ah. The hero collapsed onto the ground. Did I go overboard?

“Uh… well, since you guys look so tired... I guess I can lower the bar a bit. How about 999,999 dragons instead?”

“You damn beginner guide! What kind of bullshit is this storyline that requires you to kill one million dragons in the freaking beginner village!” The white-haired woman with the grudge lashed out at me in rage.

“Huh? What do you mean? Isn’t that a pretty reasonable quest?”

“In what world is that reasonable for a noob!”

“It’s not?”

“I put up with helping this noob with one thousand slimes, ten thousand goblins, and one hundred thousand wyverns, but like hell will I put up with one million dragons! That would take years to finish with their respawn timer and low numbers!”

“Fine… how about one million orcs instead? That should be doable, right? There should be a lot of them around.”

“Why does it have to be one million of anything?” Because I want to slack off and don’t want to deal with them of course. Was this woman so stupid that she needed to ask questions with such obvious answers?

“When are you going to stop giving us side missions and give us the main storyline quest anyway?”

“When you meet the trigger condition.”

“What is the trigger condition then?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Screw it, the storyline in this world is clearly broken. I’m going to open a ticket with the devs.”

“Go ahead, but it’s really not going to do anything as it's actually not broken.”

In reality, they didn’t need to do any of the quests I’m giving them. The quests I’ve given them up to this point had nothing to do with the trigger condition for the main storyline. The devs were just sadistic assholes who enjoyed watching the heroes struggle and waste their time.

“I swear to god, I will 100% murder you the second I get a chance.”

“Yeah, sure you will. Just go off and do your little quest Miss He-ro. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can kill me.” I sneered at her with utter contempt, my expression was one best described as a sadistic devil’s.

Fuming, she appeared in front of me and threw a punch out toward my face. Right before her clenched fist landed on my face I sneezed and spit flew all over her hand. She reflexively pulled her hand back and shrieked.

“Who the hell sneezes right before getting punched? Gross!”

“I seem to be a bit sick. By the way, I also have diarrhea right now. I can only imagine what will happen if I get punched. You know, my ass might explode from the sheer pressure and shit might go flying everywhere. You wouldn’t want to get NPC shit all over those fancy white clothes of yours, would you? I’m sure it will be quite the watery one too. I even ate a burrito this morning.”

She took a step back away from me, disgust all over her pale face, devoid of blood.

“Why are you backing away like that, Miss Hero? I thought you were going to punch me. Now come, why don’t you continue where you left off?”

“Stay... away from me, you NPC freak.”

I took a step forward with a wide grin on my face. I placed my hand on my stomach and leaned forward a bit.

“Oh, it seems that burrito really went through my system quickly. I can even feel the fire between my cheeks.”

“I-I’ll be taking my leave now. I won’t forget this though. I’ll make sure your death is a painful one when we get back from this quest.”

She picked up the unconscious hero and fled. The other two women in their party similarly retreated with her as they glanced back at me with fearful eyes. More specifically my hand on my stomach.

At last, I was alone again.

Somehow, I’d successfully avoided another pointless fight with that idiotic woman.

Well, a million orcs may not give me as much free time as a million dragons, but it should still take them quite some time.

Two weeks later.

I drank for two weeks straight in peace.

Two additional weeks later.

It’s really so peaceful. It’s truly such a wonderful world when retarded heroes can’t get past the tutorial.

One month later.

Man, these guys are pretty slow, not that I’m complaining.

One month later.

Did they give up or die?

One month later.

I was actually getting a bit bored waiting on them now.

Two months later.

I finally came to a conclusion, I was seriously just a lonely old fart.

What the hell? If it was dragons I could understand this taking them six months, but this was orcs, right? Did they get captured or something?

Wait… where did they go to kill orcs anyway? Those idiots didn’t go to the Demon General’s Orc Liberation Army, did they? Even if they had top rankers, they’re still nowhere near strong enough to deal with that particular army yet. It also requires a key item since that army is part of the main storyline quests. As soon as you kill one orc, two more instantly spawn to take their fallen comrade’s place. Killing them just makes their numbers increase.

Should I maybe go take a peak? But… I’d really rather not.

I took out a cigar and lit it. I sucked in a long breath before I exhaled the smoke. Yeah, forget it, it’s really not my problem in the end.

“You look pretty spaced out. Something on your mind? You’ve come here for the last half a year drinking your sorrows away without missing a single day.” The barista curiously asked me.

“Don’t mind me, I’m just trying to think of a way to die.”

“Oh? And here I thought it was because you just wanted to get off to me this entire time.”

“Get off to you? I haven’t even looked at you once up until this point.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s getting on my nerves so I finally had to say something.”

“Hey what are you doing? Give that back.”

The barista snatched the cigar right out of my mouth before she hopped over the counter and took a seat on top of it beside me.

“You’ve got absolutely no charm, you know that?”

“Haha. You don’t need to tell me that. Trust me, I know that better than anyone.”

“I don’t particularly like charming guys though. As a barista, I see them all the time. They’re a dime a dozen and aren’t the least bit interesting.”

I looked up at the barista beside me and for the first time scrutinized her closely. We’d spent over half a year across from each other, our only interaction ever being my order. I had to admit she was certainly a looker, she wasn’t any GDR, but she was certainly above the typical NPC.

Her long waist-length hair was very unique in the sense that the exterior was a dark blue with the interior pink. Her top was also rather unique with her right arm and both shoulders fully exposed. Her left arm was covered with a long white frilly sleeve that draped down below the counter until near the bottom of her feet.

She had very long dark blue tights that stuck snug to her skin. Her tights rode up her body, directly beneath her chest, with her white dress shirt tucked in under it. Her outfit was color coordinated to match her dual-colored hair well. There was a pink and golden floral pattern near the bottom of her tights below the halfway point on her shin. Even her boots matched her tights and hair, the exterior was dark blue while pink could be seen on the inside. There was a golden X shaped cross on the front of her boots with a golden ovular shaped ornament at the center.

Her lips were painted a distinct dark shade of red that greatly emphasized its shape. With her right elbow positioned on top of her thigh and her cheek supported in the palm of her right hand, she held my cigar in her left hand between her index and middle finger as she looked down at me with a slightly satisfied grin on her face.

“Well? Aren’t you going to say anything after checking me out?”

“To say the least, you certainly have a rather unique appearance.”

“I am a barista after all. It’s part of the job to grab my customer’s eyes.”

She placed the cigar between her lips and took in a good whiff before she exhaled the smoke out directly into my face.

“You know, I never said you could have my cigar.”

“Oh? Is that so?”

She extended her hand out and rested the cigar between my lips.

“Consider it a bit of service for a lonely loyal customer of mine.”

“What service? Is this not just a form of petty theft?”

With the smile of a temptress, she laughed it off like nothing. “Haha, if I stole your heart it would certainly be petty theft, but at most I’m just sharing a cigar with a lonely customer. Though if I truly had stolen your cigar rather than borrowed it, it might have actually been grand larceny if we considered your heart petty theft. But let’s forget about things with little value like your heart, just how long do you intend to keep me here? It’s already time for me to close up for the night.” I’d received a rather unexpected nonchalant burn from her before she immediately changed the topic.

“Ehem. Ehem. It’s already that late?” I cleared my throat to shake off the fact that my cigar had been given a higher evaluation in worth than my heart.

“Yeah. Were you so out of it that you didn’t realize? This entire time I seriously thought you were working up your courage to confess to me or something.”

“Would you say yes if I did?”

“Probably not.”

“Haha. Right…” There isn’t a single woman that would with my charm stat.

“I said probably you know.” She winked at me as she said that.

“Wanna go out?”

“Nope.”

“Why’d you give me some false hope?”

“I’m only interested in guys who want to live. Try asking me again when you don’t want to die.”

“Are you trying to pull me along so you can keep milking me for money as long as I’m alive and still your customer?”

“I see you’re quick on the uptake.”

“You’re quite the nefarious woman. Maybe even more so than the Greater Demon God.”

“You act as if you know them.”

“Well… I’ve had my run-ins before.”

“Could it be that you have some sort of tragic past with the Greater Demon God and that's why you’re so intent on dying?”

“Haha. Tragic past? Maybe.” If you count me inadvertently avenging her death every time she’s killed by a hero.

“Sorry to bring it up.”

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious like what you’re probably thinking right now.”

“How is a run-in with the Greater Demon God nothing serious?”

“I should really get going. As you said, it’s already pretty late.”

“You’re suddenly running away after acting all mysterious? You don’t want to talk to me?”

Well, this topic will get too complicated if it goes any further.

“I’m just a bit too tired to stay up.”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“See you tomorrow, Miss Barista.”

“It’s Ria Rhea, not Miss Barista. At least get my name right.”