Chapter 13.

Both of our eyes widened in shock and horror when we realized our lips were presently interlocked. When she recovered, she immediately pushed away from me. The two of us went off to the side and puked our brains out.

“Bueeeh. To think I was forced into a kiss with this idiotic woman.” My skin was crawling all over. This was without any doubt in my mind among the top greatest blunders of my life.

“Bueeeeeh. I’m… the one that should be saying that.”

“You should be saying that? Hah! You should be thanking me for healing you just now, you moron. You’d really have been the first top ranker ever to be killed by a random stray cat.”

“Why the hell are you puking too from a little kiss anyway? Are you even a man? Oh, right, you’re just a stinking virgin without any experience with women.”

“Hah? Changing the topic? Two can play at that game. Sorry, your breath was so nasty I couldn’t help but throw up. It was so putrid I thought I’d slipped and fallen headfirst into Satan’s toilet bowl.” I pinched my nose exaggeratedly while making a gagging motion.

“I’ll… kill you! I’ll seriously kill you, you god damn defective NPC!”

“Oh? I’d like to see you try and kill your all-mighty life savior! You should be bowing down in servitude and worshiping me for my benevolence in saving an insolent little ungrateful wench like you.”

“Thanking you? To begin with, this was all the fault of that stray cat of yours!”

“Stray cat or not, the fact is, you owe me your life bitch.”

“Like hell I do. You want thanks so bad, here’s your thanks. Enjoy my bad vomit breath and go spill your guts again!”

She violently tugged on my collar and firmly planted her lips on mine. Her tongue slid in and I immediately froze up. My face shrivelled up into a thousand year old orc taking the hottest fiery jalapeno fueled shit of his life.

When she backed away, she had an obnoxious ‘how’s the vomit taste’ look on her face.

“Ka ka ka.” I started to gag wishing for nothing more than to untaste. She’d certainly done what she said. She passed some residue into my own mouth when she stuck her tongue out.

“Gross. So freaking gross! What kind of so-called lady does that?”

I literally spilled my guts for the second time off to the side and kept spitting to try and get rid of the nasty tingling sensation assaulting my body.

“Hahaha. So I’ve finally discovered your greatest weakness, defective NPC.”

“You’ve lost your freaking mind woman!”

“Yeah. Yeah. Ever since I met you, I’ve certainly lost my mind. I will make damn sure you can’t live an easy peaceful life like you want. Hahahaha. Hahahahaha! Just you wait.”

She was absolutely insane.

“You realize I’m just a little small-time NPC, right? Is there really any reason for you to go to such lengths?”

“Any reason? Any reason you ask? You really have the gall to ask that?”

“What’s the reason?”

“You really can’t figure it out? You just gave me the reason. THAT WAS MY FIRST KISS YOU MORON! My first kiss turned out like that? Even if it was in a virtual world… I can’t fucking forgive this! Death would be too good for you. Yes, I definitely can’t let you die now. You need to suffer for eternity for ruining this fine lady’s first kiss.”

“Uh... guys can you just calm-”

“Mudkipz, one more word from you, and I will wipe your character.” Her voice was so low and cold that it could freeze hell over. Her wrath toward me was at an all-time high. I’d officially pushed her off the deep end into insanity.

The hero’s back straightened up and he nervously stepped away. You god damn coward! Where is your backbone? Would you please reign in your rampaging mad dog? My eyes snapped to the hero and every pore of my body oozed of the message, ‘You hero swine, don’t just stand there, do something about this crazy bitch!’

He profusely shook his head from side to side clearly wanting nothing to do with this heated dispute.

That damn cat too, where did that furball run off to in all this commotion? I’ll butcher her and chop her up into tiny pieces, but not before I gut her and skin her alive. She’s always causing trouble for me and I’m always going easy on her. I really need to ingrain true fear down to her bones toward me.

“Hah… hah… hah…” White was panting, out of breath while desperately trying to calm her riled up emotions. I chose not to say anything further when I realized she wanted to end things at that and not let this conflict escalate any further. If it kept going, I would have probably lost my patience and outright killed her. Taking a step back here was actually wise of her.

“You’re… right. Why am I letting myself get so flustered because of some random NPC? I… need to cool my head and recollect myself.”

“Exactly. Go cool your head, you crazy bimbo.”

“Shut up! Another word and I’ll fight you to the death.”

Seeing her take a step back, I opted to similarly back off and not push things any further.

White took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled. She was finally back to normal.

“Sorry.” I chose to apologize. I shouldn’t have been so petty, I should have pulled the furball off her face sooner. Regardless of how many memories I’d assimilated with from humans, it seemed I was still too immature as an NPC.

“Shut up. I’m not so weak that I need an apology from a defective NPC.” Her eyes darted toward me with a glare but slowly trailed off lower toward my lips. A slight blush appeared on her face as she averted her face away from me in a fluster. She suddenly got angry as soon as she realized how she’d just reacted.

“I am NPC69, please don’t fall too hard for me, okay?”

“No one would fall for an uncharming bloke like you, idiot.”

“Yeah, I know.”

My gaze was drawn to the ground when I realized I dropped my cigar earlier. What a waste, I seriously needed one right now too. I pulled a new one out again and lit it. I needed it to cool my head down and clear my chaotic thoughts up.

When White noticed that I’d pulled out a new cigar, she grumbled under her breath, “Smoking isn’t good for your health, you should really stop. It’s also all your fault my first kiss tasted smoky. I really hate smokers.”

“In spite of what you say, you look like you need a smoke yourself right now.”

She peeked at me and snatched the cigar from directly between my lips.

“I don’t give free handouts.”

“Shut up. It’s on you, stupid.”

She held it up to her mouth like an amateur and took in a bit.

“Kohoh. Kohoh. Kohoh.” Naturally, she burst out into a coughing fit as a first-timer.

“Amateur.”

“Who asked for your snide remark, you jerk?”

“Jerk? What happened to, defective NPC?”

“You’re both a shitty jerk and a defective NPC.”

“Uhh… is it fine if I say something now?”

The two of us glanced at DH1M in silence.

“The puppy you asked us to find… it transformed into a Cerberus and got away.”

“Yeah, I saw. What of it?”

”About the quest-”

“It’s naturally a failure.”

“Right…”

“You had one great opportunity, but you missed it because you were careless. There’s no way you’ll get another chance as good as the one you had just now.”

“Yeah.” DH1M let out a dejected sigh.

“Since it seems unlikely you’ll be able to catch that puppy now, I’ll give you a new quest. Kill it.”

“What? Didn’t the owner want it back?”

“The owner? Hah. The owner who put out the request was likely the evil Demon Lord that holds jurisdiction over this beginner village or something. They’re probably secretly plotting to discreetly kill you while you’re still a fledgling hero, DH1M.” 

I said that, but although she was one of the Demon Lords, she actually wasn’t the one responsible for this region. The first Demon Lord in the main storyline is Demon Lord Xander, the man I like to call Demon Lord Scapegoat; when in doubt, unjustly pin it all on Xander. That had been my slogan for as long as I could remember. 

For example, that one time where I accidentally failed to hold back my power when I passed some nasty gas and it created a category five hurricane; ‘Xander, why you do this to us again?’ Naturally, I always ask him with a thick ass Jamaican accent, shaking my head, while implying he’s a repeat offender.

Though that was probably the least damaging of the times where nature called and I lost control, the worst one I ever ripped accidentally created a giant hole clean through one side of the planet and out the other end. You know what I did? ‘Xander, why you so nastaaaay?’ Thanks to me, poor old Demon Lord Xander had really taken the brunt of my slip-ups over the years we’d known each other.

Enough of Xander though, back to Demon Lord Kat, the silver menace’s true name, aka the stupid furball that wanted a strong toy to play with while she passed the time and awaited the hero’s appearance at her doorstep. Among the sixteen Demon Lords, she’s both the strongest and the last Demon Lord encountered in the main storyline.

The biggest issue I have with her is… she’s a lazy good for nothing that leaves everything to her subordinates. But who am I to judge? That perfectly describes me. No... forget it, we’re not similar at all. I refuse to admit that I’m on the same level as that useless silver furball.

Anyway, she typically puts up a half-hearted fight then dramatically fakes her death before she happily sends the hero on his way to the last of the four demon emperors. If that stupid furball really fought seriously, she could easily match the strength of the strongest of the four demon emperors, but that lazy thing long lost interest in advancing any further up the ranks ever since she achieved the rank of a Demon Lord.

Freaking cats, I really can’t stand them at all. In general, cats like her are all just a bunch of dickheads. Ah. Wait. The reason I hate cats, could it be because I unconsciously hate what I myself am? Wouldn’t most people perceive me to be a dickhead as well?

No no no. It can’t be that. I mustn’t delude myself. Cats are just the servants of the devil, that is why I hate them. Why that furball hangs around me, there’s no way it’s because douchebags stick together and attract one another.