“Why did you do this?” TO hissed, gesturing to the beds, “We’ve slept together for ages, even before we-” they wanted to say ‘before we were mates’ but then they wondered if they were still mates. “Even before we tried anything romantic.” they said, “If it all made you that uncomfortable, then you should have said something! I you didn’t want to be my mate-“
If DH had said they weren’t interested in the first place, well, it would hurt but not as much as this was hurting right now.
“It’s not that!” DH protested as they reached out, but let their hand drop as TO took a step away from them. “I just thought it’d be easier.” DH said as they looked away.
“What did you think would be easier!?” TO demanded, their hands clenched into fists at their side, their wings puffing up around them. They could feel the tears stinging at their eyes, but they weren’t sure if it was from anger or sorrow. “Did you think it’d be easier to tell me that sure, you’d be my mate, and then just… Just stop?”
“NO! No no! I want to be your mate!”
“Then what did I do that made you this uncomfortable?” TO asked, “When you pulled away from me that one time I reached for your ears, I stopped touching your ears. I Kept kissing you because I thought you liked it-” “I did!” DH insisted as they took a step forward. “I do-“
“But it’s ‘a lot’ you said. Was I kissing you too much, or kissing you wrong? Was I around you too much? You didn’t tell me I was doing anything wrong, You just… You just-” Their anger was burning out, like a highly combustible fuel, leaving behind was sadness and exhaustion. “You just pulled away from me and stopped kissing me. I think you only actually kissed me once when I gave you the gem!”
DH was quiet as they wrapped their wings wrapped around themself. “I know.” they whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want you to be sorry! I want you to tell me what I did wrong, and how I can fix it!”
“That… you did nothing wrong.” DH said. “It’s me… It’s..” the tears were swelling up in their eyes. “You don’t understand.”
The anger instantly ebbed from TO. They took a step forward, but didn’t embrace DH as they normally would have. They didn’t know if DH wanted that, and they didn’t want to push them.
“You’re right; I don’t understand.” TO said, “And I won’t unless you tell me!”
DH’s wings wrapped around them as they looked away, their ears down. They were silent for a while, and TO worried that they would refuse to talk.
“We promised.” TO said, “We’re supposed to talk when we’re upset, not run... I-” They stopped, feeling their own wings tighten around them. “I ran when I felt upset. I broke our promise, and I’m sorry… but please, don’t do the same.”
After a long, agonizing moment, DH finally took a deep breath. “I love you, TO.” they said. “I really do. And… and I want to be your mate.” DH glanced up at TO, “And I do like kissing and..” They let a little smile flicker over their face, “I like the cute noises you make when I rub your ears.”
TO felt those very ears burn and dip down, “Then… if you liked it-”
“I just… We’re supposed to serve King Decon, right?”
“We do serve king Decon.” TO said, “We do our best. We work better together; even our Overseers saw that-”
“But… but this? All this! Even the Commander tormented and mocked C12 because they had a mate, and they’re a retiree!” they looked at TO, “I don’t know what’s wrong with it. I don’t understand why it’s bad… but if King Decon thinks that being mates is a bad thing-”
The words came out of TO before they could really consider them. “I don’t care what King Decon thinks.”
Silence. Utter, deafening silence. DH looked at TO with a look that hovered somewhere between admiration and horror.
“... You don’t care?” Their ears twitched in confusion, “But TO! King Decon made us! King Decon is the single force that holds the order of the Galaxy together! We’re King Decon’s hands in the galaxy, and King Decon put these rules in place for a reason, so it must be bad, what we’re doing... right?”
It must be bad. Oddly, that had never been a worry of TO’s; they had only worried about making DH uncomfortable.
“I worry a lot.” TO said.
“I’m aware.” DH muttered.
“And sometimes, it’s something worth worrying about. Sometimes it’s not.” They shrugged. “You know that. Worrying about…” They trailed off, and then gestured about them, “Well, about going through the portal. About how we seemed at the training center. About… Well, about you being uncomfortable I guess.” they gave DH a hard look. “But, regarding how I feel about you? Holding you? Touching you? Kissing you? I never worried about that. I never once thought that it was wrong.” They looked carefully at DH. “Do you honestly feel that it’s wrong?”
“King Decon-”
“No.” TO said. They took one more step, closed the distance between them, and put a hand on DH’s shoulder. They were so relieved when DH didn’t move away.
“Do you feel that it’s wrong?”
“I… I don’t know!” DH said in panic. “We’ve been warned about it. We’ve been told-”
“C12 told me I should wait until I was out of the center.” TO said, “They said that if I wanted to be mates with anyone, then I should wait until I was out of the training center to do anything.”
“But C12-”
“Was a retiree. C12 held a highly respected position, regardless of how the Commander treated them.” TO said. “And besides that, we’re already defying King Decon in some ways, aren’t we?”
DH fell silent as they glanced at the computer, where they had spent so much time working to alter the recording software.
“I… I would defy King Decon to be with you.” TO said quietly, “I already said that, didn’t I? I said that if King Decon ordered me to fight you, I’d refuse. I’d turn against Him. You remember that, don’t you?”
“That’s… very improbable.” DH muttered. “I know you say it, and that right now you mean it. But you don’t know unless it happens to you, right?” They shook their head, “This is happening now… and I want to be with you, I really do! But I thought there was no chance! I thought that maybe that was better, because then we could be good synths and be friends and serve King Decon and…” They trailed off, staring at the ground until they finally looked TO in the face.
“Are we bad synths?”
TO pulled DH towards them, forgetting for a moment how hesitant they had been. The relief that flooded TO when DH leaned into them was almost enough to bring them to tears.
“We’re strange.” TO muttered into the top of DH’s head, “We’re strange. We’re different. We’re better in some ways, and that’s why we’re being sent to Arkane to deal with all this.” They remembered what C12 had said to them so long ago, “C12 once said that we are exactly as we should be, strangeness and all. Maybe that means we struggle with some things. Maybe that means that the rules in place for normal synths don’t work for us. I don’t know… but we can’t help what we are, can we?”
DH was slumping against them, so TO slowly eased them both to the floor, where they sat between the two separated beds.
“I think that we’re good synths so long as we do our job.” TO whispered. “I don’t know that anything matters outside of that. So long as we excel-”
“You excel.” DH muttered, “I’m just a decent shot.”
“You’re an excellent shot!” TO said. They shifted so that they could look DH in the face. “We excel. We excel together! Together, we’re a better pair of synths than any other two combined. That’s why we’re together here; even the Officers recognized that. We’re stronger and better together.”
TO felt DH bring their hands up and reach for TO’s arm. TO removed a hand from around DH’s shoulders and wrapped their fingers around DH’s hand. They gave a quick squeeze. “... If this is what you want… Sleeping separately, keeping distance… and not being mates. If that’s what you want, then I’ll accept that. I’ll accept that, and even if I’m sad I will always love you, and I’ll always be your friend…” they pressed their forehead to DH’s “If that will make you happy, I’ll do it. But… only if it’ll make you happy. If this will just make you unhappy, then I’ll fight it.” They hesitated, and then gave a soft kiss to the top of DH’s head, “So please.” they whispered, “Tell me... What do you want?”
DH sat in TO’s embrace, unmoving for a while. TO feared that they would tell them to let go any moment, to leave them alone and that they really did just want to be good synths and serve King Decon.
They’d do it. If that’s what DH wanted, then TO would do that.
DH’s hand left TO’s, and for a second they were certain that it was over. That thought faded as soon as they felt DH’s hand on their face. They looked down at DH, their eyes big and wet, their ears down.
“... If I had to choose?” DH whispered.
“You don’t have to, not really.” TO said, “C12 didn’t.”
“... I don’t know.” DH said after a long time, “I… I don’t want to choose. I want to be a good synth, and serve King Decon. I want to be your mate, to hold you and kiss you and be with you, but I always end up worrying about it after! It feels like I’ve done something wrong afterwards!” They clutched at TO, “I just… I don’t know if I can be a good synth and be with you!”
DH was right… TO didn’t understand. They didn’t feel like they had done anything wrong when they were with DH. Still, this wasn’t about them. TO wanted to say something to help and to make DH feel better, but they didn’t know what they could say.
Instead, they just held DH.
Several minutes passed, and then DH finally looked up at TO and gently kissed at the corner of their lips.
“... I want this.” They whispered. “I know that much, at least. I just…” They shook their head, “I feel almost guilty after.”
“Is there anything I can do about that?” TO asked.
DH was silent, and TO thought that they simply wouldn’t respond. Finally, they spoke in a whisper.
“... Just hold me? Tell me it’s going to be ok?”
TO still didn’t understand, but that was alright; they didn’t need to understand. They held DH tight, and kissed them on the bridge of their snout.”
“It’s going to be alright.” they whispered.
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AUTHORS NOTE
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If you're looking for the more intimate moments, become a Super Fan on Patreon! there's an episode 144.5 showing some of TO and DH's misadventures.
Learning is fun!
