Petra and Lendulin did in fact have a private place where they could talk. Just down the corridor from the large dormitory which housed all the refugees was an unused, decrepit hallway drenched in shadows and darkness. TO could still see relatively well, but Petra used the light of her communicator to illuminate the hall before them since she and Lendulin lacked low-light vision.
They turned a corner and saw that Petra and Lendulin had made good use of this place. A large, very worn blanket hung from an old pipe overhead and when Petra pushed it aside she revealed the small sanctuary that the two had created. The blanket hid the dim light of a small electric lantern that sat in the pile of debris and rubble that blocked off the passageway. Years of dust and debris which had once carpeted the floor now sat pushed aside into a relatively neat pile in the corner and replaced with another old blanket which was far too worn out to be of any use. Stacked next to one wall was a roll of tissue, a few cans of water, and an old pillow that looked so ragged and worn that it surprised TO to see that there was any stuffing left in it.
“What’s this?” TO asked as they looked around. They recalled hearing that the laundry room they hid in back in the Indebted center was a common hideaway for people to have sex in, and they wondered with a twitch of their ear if the civilians used this room for the same thing.
“Sometimes a person needs to break down.” Petra said, “And they don’t want to do it in front of their kids, or in front of people they think had it ‘worse.’” She snorted, “Which, I mean, that’s not fair. This whole situation sucks all around. Nobody has it ‘better’ or ‘worse.’”
“Sure.” Lendulin said with a shake of her head, “tar your own boat.”
TO blinked, suddenly entirely confused. “Tar what?” They asked.
Petra sighed at Lendulin, “It’s an old saying on Arkane.” She said, “Way way back, before Arkane was part of the galactic kingdom, people used old boats made from a kind of firm sea sponge. It floated, and when treated it became nearly as strong as PVC today. But, it wasn’t waterproof. They’d use beach tar on the bottom to keep it afloat. It worked great, but it had to be tarred often.”
“Right.” Lendulin said, “And the saying goes that people would tell others the right way to tar their boats, and then not do it right on their own.” She glared at Petra, “So, saying that ‘nobody has it better or worse’ here while refusing to take a break or talk about what’s bothering you is like someone instructing another on tarring their boat while messing up their own.” She finally broke her glare at Petra and gave TO a smile, “Hence, ‘tar your own boat.’”
“Look, I’m fine.” Petra said, “Everyone else here has lost nearly everything. Their everything might be pets, family, or stuff, but it’s still ‘everything.’ I had nothing to lose.” She gave a small, sad smile to Lendulin, “My ‘everything’ is my friends. And I still have them.” She shrugged and turned to TO, “I’m fine.” She said with a smile that was far too tight even to TO’s eyes. “You’re not.” She sat down on the worn blanket on the floor and patted the space next to her. “What’s wrong?”
TO’s first instinct was to say that they didn't have time to sit. They had a lot to do, and even now they felt guilty hiding here with Petra and Lendulin when there was so much work to do, and so much to prepare for. Even as thought went over that list in their head, TO found themself leaning against the wall, sliding down to sit next to Petra. They pulled their long legs up to their chest and their wings around their arm in an attempt to save space in the narrow hallway. As soon as they settled down, Petra put a can of water in TO’s hand.
“Here.” She said before grabbing one and throwing it to Lendulin. She then grabbed a drink for herself, cracking it open and taking a long drink.
“Now, talk.” Petra said, “What’s wrong?”
“… It’s a long story.” TO muttered as they opened their own can and took a drink. It was bubbly, and they hadn’t expected that. The bubbles hit their nose and sent them sneezing for a moment before they collected themself and took a more careful sip.
“Then go on.” Petra said, “Start from the beginning.”
The beginning, TO decided, was when they got captured by the insurgents. Back when they thought the insurgents had captured their friends, and were subjecting them to unfathomable torture in an attempt to force their cooperation. TO described how they came down looking for DH, how they had been so taken aback by GiDi’s presence with the insurgents that they froze, their orders and procedures conflicting with the fact that their friend was before them. They told the two how Kei had aimed to shoot, and TO had turned and opened fire on the other synth immediately. The action, performed and finished in seconds had been the catalyst for their transformation from Synth to Chilacian, and that happened so quickly and with so little thought from them was disconcerting even now.
They described the awful sound, how they fell to the ground in pain, and how they woke up later as Vik removed their chip. Of course, they then had to describe how the chip worked in minor detail.
“I want one.” Petra said as TO temporarily activated their chip, pressing the band to the back of their hand to project the GBA giving a mundane report about financial news. Because the chip linked to TO specifically, it remained a synth, and spoke only in synth speak. “Man, that would be so useful. And you don’t have to type anything?”
TO projected a text file, and using subvocalization they wrote the message, “Not at all. Not unless I’m using the communicator that’s linked with this, but that’s only to allow me to use my chip when I’m in public around civilians.”
“You’re a civilian now too.” Lendulin said, her eyes skimming over the words, “Aren’t you?”
TO shrugged. That was a question that they weren’t ready to think about.
“That doesn’t matter.” Petra said as she glanced at TO’s ears. “Go on. What happened to the chip?”
TO skipped ahead, figuring they’d tell them how things happened as far as TO had learned them. They explained what happened when they were out trading for supplies, how DH got their hands stuck in a trap, and how Kei took DH’s multi-gun and held it to their mate’s head. The reaction to this was far more visceral than TO had expected and gave them new information about their friends. For example, they never knew that Lendulin’s eyes could narrow to thin lines on her face, that her cheeks could suck in and give her such a fearsome expression. They also never knew that the frills on Petra’s tail could puff up, making it seem not just a tail, but also a fearsome weapon.
“Is DH alright?” Petra asked, the words hissing out of her. “I mean, I’ve seen them since, but-”
“They’re fine…. Sort of.” TO said. “Kei didn’t end up hurting them… But it didn’t turn out well either.”
They explained, as best they could, what happened after that. The sudden loss of first their bodily control as they fell over, then how quickly their consciousness had jumped from moment to moment as though that time had been carved out of their existence. Lendulin and Petra’s confusion over what happened was obvious, and nearly as strong as TO’s had been when it first occurred. Their anger when TO explained about the chips, about Vik’s fail safe, and the panic button also seemed to match their own.
No, it didn’t match TO’s anger; it surpassed it. Petra and Lendulin’s rage burned, undamped by the feelings of betrayal and sadness that had mixed with TO’s own.
“How big is this Vik?” Petra said. “I want to have a talk with them.”
TO sighed, but despite that they felt a soft grin spread over their face, “Maybe don’t attack the second best programmer and only hacker we have here.” They said, “We need him.”
“DH’s talked about Vik.” Lendulin said, frowning, “I mean, aren’t they friends? The only person they talk about more is you.”
TO shrugged, ignoring the blush rising to their ears, “They were friends.” They muttered. “Not anymore.”
“… Poor DH.” Petra said, “Everything they went through in training was bad enough, and now this?”
“DH told you about all that?” TO asked, an ear quirking out. They themself had told Petra and Lendulin about their training, at least in general terms. They hadn’t had time, energy, or emotional fortitude to go through the more detailed aspects of the whole thing.
“Oh, yeah.” Petra said, “They’ve been talking to us a lot while you were gone. They told us about uh… Q10? And a few others…” She sighed, “Damn. That has to hurt.”
“It gets worse.” TO said. “Have you two met Avery?”
“We haven’t.” Lendulin said, “But we’ve heard about them.”
TO explained the Shatter-Sickness as best they could in as few words as possible. They didn’t want to get into too much detail, but they needed their friends to understand that it could be dangerous since they didn’t have a Chilacian healer here.
“Shit…” Petra said. “No wonder you’re so upset. You’re worried about them.”
TO’s ears dipped. “Not quite.” They said, “I mean… I am worried about them, yes, very! But that’s not what’s bothering me personally…”
Finally, they told them of their talk with Vik, and they revealed that GiDi not only knew about the chip and didn’t tell them, but that GiDi apparently had suggested it in the first place. By the time they got to the end, the water was all gone, and while Petra had placed the tissues conspicuously close to TO, they remained unused. TO felt numb more than anything else.
“… And I’ve not told DH or Avery yet.” TO said. “They… Well, things are hard enough on them as it is.” They pulled their knees closer to their chest, their wings wrapping tighter around them. “DH is dealing with Vik’s duplicity. Avery is dealing with the fact that Kei nearly killed them… This on top of what they’re already dealing with would be too much.”
“It’s enough on its own.” Lendulin said in a whisper.
“Yeah.” TO muttered. They were right on that. Even if DH and Avery weren’t already dealing with so much, this would still be so hard. In any circumstance, TO knew that they wouldn’t want to tell them about GiDi.
Lendulin and Petra were silent for a while. TO refused to look at them, refused to look up. A part of them knew their friends would say they should talk to DH. TO knew they should. They knew if DH found out they were hiding this information that they’d be hurt, and they wouldn’t want TO to suffer alone.
But TO didn’t know if DH could handle this information now, and if they could make it hurt less for DH and Avery, then that’s what TO wanted to do.
“TO….” Petra finally spoke, her voice soft and careful as though she were walking over ice of unknown thickness.
“Yes?”
“… Are you going to be ok?”
TO hadn’t expected that question. They expected questions about DH or Avery. They expected chiding about hiding something from their mate, and friend–no, not friend, their Adel. If Petra had punched them in the arm and told them to stop being an idiot and go talk to their family, they would have been less surprised.
They also wouldn’t have looked inside themself, really looked inside at how GiDi’s actions felt to them. Yes, GiDi’s actions hurt, but they had been more worried about hiding that hurt from DH and Avery. They had been more worried about how that would affect others, and not how it was affecting them.
Maybe they didn’t want to look at how it hurt them. Maybe it was easier to worry about DH and Avery, their family.
It occurred to them they had been existing in two states since Vik told them that GiDi had been involved. The first state refused to believe it and despite all logic saying that Vik was telling the truth, that state would not believe it until it came from GiDi’s mouth. The second state believed Vik, but it focused entirely on hiding it from DH and Avery. These two mindsets circled each other like binary stars and now they finally gave in to gravity and collided in a cataclysmic explosion whose light illuminated the whole situation with painful clarity.
TO GiDi, the insurgents came before TO. Once upon a time, there were the four of them: GiDi, Avery, TO, and DH, and they had been everything to one another; an island of four in the middle of a hostile ocean.
Now GiDi had Pearla, Tham, and Vik. They had their parents, the Yonis, and while they apparently had a genetic connection, the friendship and closeness they once had was gone.
The Agel normally faded over time. Had that really happened with them and GiDi?
“No.” TO said in a breakable voice “… No, I’m not.”
Tears that should have spilled the night before finally welled and fell. They felt a hand on their shoulder as they hid their face in their arms and cried.
