"I do not understand

               What it is I've done wrong

             Full of holes, check for pulse

           Blink your eyes

         One for yes, two for no

 

              I have no idea what I am talking about

            I'm trapped in this body and can't get out

 

             You killed the sound, removed backbone

               A pale imitation with the edges all sawn off

 

               I have no idea what you are talking about

                Your mouth moves only with someone's hand up your arse

 

           Has the light gone out for you?

          Because the light's gone out for me

          It is the twenty-first century

        It is the twenty-first century

      It can follow you like a dog

    It brought me to my knees

  They got a skin and they put me in

 They got a skin and they put me in

All the lines wrapped 'round my face

 All the lines wrapped 'round my face

 And for anyone else to see

 And for anyone else to see

  I'm a lie."

                        -Bodysnatchers, by Radiohead, from In Rainbows (2007)

 

Chapter Three

               "Thanks, I really appreciate it, but… but you shouldn't have bothered. You probably have better things to do. I might be just wasting your time." 

 

               Yuuki chuckled lightly, a spoon on a hand in the middle of scooping his rocky road ice cream. Yuuki and Alisa respectively sat by the opposite sides of the table. "Nah," he dismissed. "It's the least I can do, really. And a time spent with someone in need of help isn't a wasted time. If I'm wasting time right now, I would have ditched you earlier. Besides, I did plan on going here today. So if I were you, I wouldn't worry about anything at the moment to eat it all up before it melts and ask for another one if I'd like to."

               Alisa truly did appreciate Yuuki's treat offered to her, since she did agree to spend time with him. The decision this guy made, however, gave her two feelings conflicting with each other, much to her dismay. The first one was relief and gratitude; if she was to finally let go of her life later, she could at least fill her mouth with her favorite tasty strawberry sundae to enjoy for free before she decides to step into a point of no return. The second one was the very same feeling of helplessness and being pathetic she had previously felt; the fact that someone had to be there to make a rescue due to her inability to defend herself from threats like the recent one (which she preferred not to mention nor recall, for obvious reasons) reminded her like an arrow piercing her chest that she was what this feeling was telling her. And him giving her a relaxing time to spend without any consequences just because he felt she needed it, hurts her more. She saw herself as a burden Yuuki was forced to currently lift, eating away his time and disrupting the privacy he should have had at this very moment. She believes if she could not help herself, she did not deserve any form of help from anyone. 

 

                 "By the way, I hope you're sure about having enough time. I actually might be bothering you or something," Yuuki brought up. 

 

                 Alisa shook her head. "I-I stand by what I said, you can trust me on that. Mom doesn't mind. And you aren't a bother... or anything."

 

                "Oh, good to hear then. Although…" he trailed off, pausing for a moment. "... Do you mind telling me a bit more about yourself? I mean, I won't force you if you don't want to. You'd probably feel like I'm invading your privacy or something."

 

                "Oh, no, no, not at all," she affirmed, still a bit nervous hanging around Yuuki and, generally, men. Albeit being male in a biological sense, she truly never was one. The privacy being invaded here wasn't mine, but yours, she thought. And it's my fault. Intentional or not, it doesn't make a difference. I bothered you regardless, because I'm too weak. While she always found discomfort in opening up to another person (let alone to someone she just met just about thirty minutes ago), she deemed this action to be a decent payment for his offered kindness and generosity as well as a method of having someone, other than her loving mother, insufferable sister and her authoritarian father, know of her existence in this world before extinguishing it voluntarily and permanently. 

 

                   "Then I should ask," he stated. "How's life going for you so far?"

 

                   "It's…" she involuntarily froze as she witnessed a series of flashbacks flowing through her mind, starting from her younger days and where she was now, comparable to skimming a book with inhuman speeds. She recalled the anguish. The feeling of being trapped in a wrong body. The desperation to get out of it. The manifesting depression as a result. The years of physical and psychological abuse inflicted by...

 

                    "It's fine… so far. Nothing really special," she dismissively replied. She changed her mind lest she might recall more. 

 

                    Yuuki raised his eyebrows. "Is that so?"

 

                    "Yeah, pretty much," she confirmed.

 

                    He chuckled lightly once again, finishing what was left of his cold snack prone to melting. His eyes were boring into Alisa's, straight into her soul. Now, she definitely felt the sense of invasion of privacy.

 

                   "Yeah, I'm not buying that," Yuuki said plainly. "Try harder next time." 

 

                   Alisa was silent, with both eyes hinting the sadness she was trying to momentarily suppress. Her vision's focus was on the floor in extreme reluctance to look at Yuuki properly. His stare made her feel uneasy. 

 

                  "I know you've gone through hard times. There's no point in hiding it from me."

 

                  She stayed silent.

 

                  "Keeping it to yourself would only hurt you more."

 

                  She stayed silent.

 

                  Yuuki shrugged, giving up attempting to make her speak out. He speculated that she apparently wasn't used to opening herself up to people. Prying further could only make things worse. "Okay, fine. Have it your way, no sweat. I just do hope you keep holding on, no matter how much shit you're going through right now. It'll get better soon, I tell you."

 

                   And all of a sudden, that last sentence annoyed her. How soon, exactly? Alisa thought. It's been seventeen years and it never. Got. Better for me. It's easy to say when you're pretty popular, skilled and handsome. By the look of that face screaming naïvety, I know you're dealing with little to no problems in your life, and compared to mine, you're in a state of indulging in luxury. She did feel guilty for not fulfilling the payment she was supposed to give but she could not bring herself to do it due to how painful it was, and it never helped when the guy asking was a stranger who, while being nice enough to help her, wouldn't truly understand her situation. It was also likely that she would be forgotten by everyone in this town when she finally disappeared (her mother being an exception), and if she was to be remembered, it would be due to the fact that she was considered to be among the town's "freaks", not as a decent human person who used to exist harmlessly.

 

                 Fuck… she didn't seem to like that last remark, Yuuki pondered, examining Alisa in a non-intrusive manner. Saying that was a bad move, apparently. God, I'm not very careful. She's more sensitive than I anticipated, although I can't blame her for that. But hey, I have zero experience in counselling, for fuck's sake; I can't make any guarantees in not making mistakes next time. 

 

                 "Looks like I said something you didn't like." he asked with a sigh. "I'm really sorry. I'm not very good at pep talks."

 

                  "It's fine." While Yuuki's last attempt of consolation triggered Alisa's annoyance, it was simply just that. Annoyance… accompanied by a few ranting. Nothing more. It did not change the fact that she owes this guy a debt of gratitude, and she should in any way appreciate and, most especially, repay it. 

 

                  "I guess I should just stop trying to ask about personal stuff since you don't feel comfortable with it, especially when you've had it rough, so I understand," Yuuki declared in a low soft tone.

 

                   Alisa did not know how to respond at the moment, thus she chose not to. She however felt bad for depriving him of his request. She had to repay him somehow.

 

                   Yuuki paused, checking the time through his watch strapped to his left wrist, before turning attention to Alisa again. "Tell me, how much time do you have left? I'm heading off to the nearby arcade. You should come along if you can and if you want to. My treat again." 

 

                   

                   Yet another debt to pay once she accepted the invitation. However, Alisa felt it would be quite disrespectful for her to refuse, and that one certain part of her— a non-violent form of suicidal instinct, to be precise— repeatedly urged her not to miss out on such a chance to enjoy more while she still could. What choice did she have? He proved he can be trusted, and there was no reason for her to refuse anymore. And her dignity was greatly preventing her from leaving as well as letting him do so as long as she had not repaid her debt of gratitude. But how exactly was she going to do that, aside from revealing what she didn't have the courage to reveal? Now, she undoubtedly had enough courage to express herself perfectly on what she really was not long after coming out of the closet. She never considered this an issue, at all. However, opening a horrifyingly-written horror novel to take even just the slightest glimpse of the pages inside to read aloud, instantly shot pain and fear into her very core. After all, the past you wanted to stay buried was not supposed to be dug up again. 

 

                   "I'll come along, I guess…" Alisa quietly answered. "Mom really wouldn't mind that much... as long as I return before supper and with a valid explanation."

 

                   Yuuki raised his eyebrows. "Huh, your mom isn't worried or something? You're a… well, a girl… like, sorta, or… or uh… well… yeah, a-a girl who's staying late. So… on second thoughts, maybe it isn't a good idea to do this. I'm sorry. I should just accompany you on your way home instead. It could be dangerous especially when it's a town full of weird supernatural stuff happening, or so they say."

 

                   Alisa sighed, completely understanding her kind and generous acquaintance's confusion and worries of misgendering and offending her. "I'm not denying that I'm biologically male… I'm not denying reality at all, don't worry," she affirmed with a quiet tone. "Well, it's true that this... body I have… is mine and my own, in spite of it not being an appropriate vessel of my soul. It does not suit me at all, and I'll be stuck inside it for as long as I live. But it really doesn't matter much to me anymore, and… and…" she was unable to continue for a moment; she seemed to process on what more she could say. But after letting out a defeated sigh, she went on. "Who am I kidding? It still does. It sucks. And it hurts. I'm a girl on the inside, and since it's isn't possible to get out of this body, except of course dying, I can only prove it in many different ways, like changing my body through transitioning, but that's enough for me… at least until I find a better option, anyway." She took a pause for a bit, before she went on. "I-I know a few safe paths to home, and a phone to contact Mom, t-thanks… and yeah, of course she would be worried. Although, her worry wasn't from the fact that  I'm a girl staying late. She's just as worried as any logical parent would, and it doesn't get further than that. Well, she doesn't exactly see me as a girl… yet, at least. She's still not very knowledgeable about the LGBT community, it's pretty new and foreign for her to easily digest, but she accepts my choices and loves me no matter who and what I am, regardless."

 

                   Well, that definitely was the most mouthful Yuuki got from her. Alisa (finally) discussing things about herself like her gender and her mother gave him satisfaction. Yet... abruptly, a wave of envy clutched his heart. The friendly face he wore that showed interest and concern in her story slowly faded as his stare went blank. Alisa somehow noticed this shift in behavior, which both instantly concerned and intrigued her. 

 

                   "Is… is there something wrong?"

 

                   Yuuki snapped out of it upon hearing her asking, shaking his head in response. "Oh, no, it's nothing, really. I just… I just remembered my own Mom, all of a sudden. She's… well…" he trailed off due to extreme reluctance, forcing a sigh out of him. And for a second, Alisa could have sworn she had caught a glimpse of a bead of tear  glinting from the very corner of his eye. Yuuki was never fond of talking about his mother; doing so always reminded him of that… exact moment. A certain incident ten years ago that he blamed himself for. However, he had no reason to lie anymore, and he despised lying. He already brought up his mother in the conversation. Keeping it for himself would now feel like betraying her. And on the bright side, it could encourage her to speak more about herself. 

 

                    "Well, it's been ten years since she…"

                         *******

                  

                   "Hey there, Yuuki."

 

                    Yuuki's focus in recollecting those past events as he read the letter were instantly broken, thanks to a girl who felt like she merely popped into existence before him. She was a girl he would usually meet and see each time he attended school. Yuuki quickly, yet carefully, closed the letter and stuffed it into his pocket. 

 

                   Five-foot-eight, possessing an athletic build and a pretty face most guys would instantly fall for, Kara Pelletier was the captain of the school's cheerleading team and was perfectly raised as a child with a silver spoon in her mouth. On each of her sides stood her friends, Shelly Hitchcock and Charlotte Bergeron, who were cheerleaders themselves and had kept fat stacks in their bags as well. The two of them were redder than tomatoes, as if they were on the verge of bursting. They were romantically gazing at Yuuki, and he was sure their eyes would have been heart-shaped were they to be drawn as animated characters. Kara herself, however, had a formal composure similar to ta princess greeting a prince betrothed to her.

 

                     "O-oh, hey there Kara. What's up?"

 

                     She sweetly smiled, gently brushing a stray brown lock off her face with a hand. "Well, I heard you're getting a more-than-a-week-long suspension due to your incident earlier, so before you could leave, I decided to take the chance to find and inform you about my birthday this Saturday. I'm throwing a party, and I'm inviting you over, well... only if you're willing to."

 

                     Due to her role as a varsity cheerleader, let alone being the captain, it was inevitable for the two to occasionally meet in frequent amount of instances to the point where they ended up being close acquaintances to each other. Yet thanks to their attractive appearances and popularity, rumors spread like wildfire all over the campus speculating their relationship to be more… intimate. In the previous week, Yuuki claimed he already had someone he liked. Of course, the whole school was quick to assume Kara was this confidential person of interest, automatically strengthening the rumors' speculations.

 

                      Yuuki placed a hand at the back of his head to scratch. "Uh, what time exactly, if you don't mind me asking?" The weekends, especially Saturday, were the only days he would be able to practice with Adam accompanying him. Not that he minded doing it alone, only it was always better when he wasn't.

 

                    "Oh, it starts at five in the afternoon sharp."

 

                    Yuuki hesitated for two seconds, before shrugging with an obvious confirmation written on his face. "I mean, yeah, I don't see why not, but I can't promise anything."

 

                    That response earned him a pleasing smile from Kara. He could also see her cheeks reddening. "That's fine by me," she said calmly. "Well, then, I hope you'd be able to make it, Yuuki. And… good luck with the upcoming game. We'll try our best to cheer as always for you, the team and the entire school, as always."

 

                     Yuuki gave her a kind smile. "Thanks a lot-- as always. You girls never fail to motivate the whole team."

 

                     The redness on Kara's cheeks spread all over her face, making themselves twice as visible immediately after that response from Yuuki. 

 

                     "Well... it's what we do as cheerleaders, nothing surprising, really." And afterwards, she paused, as if finding it difficult to think of what more to say. "So, um, anyway, we gotta get going now. We don't wanna be late for our practice. So yeah, later again, Yuuki."

 

                     "Oh, yeah. Later again, Kara." 

 

                     With a nod, she and her friends (who still kept staring at him until they couldn't anymore) made their way through the hallways until they were nowhere to be seen. 

 

                     Yuuki planned to read more of the letter but went against the idea the second his eyes captured a glimpse of his watch. It was 3:13 PM already At this time, everyone in the team was probably about done preparing. Apparently, recalling those events from the previous week ate much more time than reading Alisa's letter. He wouldn't have enough time to finish his reading. It takes more than a minute to reach the basketball gym from this hallway. Just because he had a free pass for purposely getting himself late, did not mean he should abuse it. Unwilling to waste more time, he began to head out for the building immediately, completely ignoring everyone in the hallway fixating their eyes on him after witnessing his recent conversation with Kara. This was guaranteed to spark another wave of rumors, yet Yuuki could not give a single fuck… at least for the time being. 

 

• ••••••••••

 

                      The basketball gym was already a bustling place, with most of the team performing warm-up exercises on the polished maple hardwood court. On the left and right sides of the building, the rows upon rows of the tiered seats were empty, save for a few spectators enthusiastic enough to stay and a few players unenthusiastic to do anything until Coach Hirsch announced something. He still sat at the corner of the gym on his own chair, observing his team's activities, and checking manually with his own eyes who was present and who wasn't. He ought to have started the session ten minutes ago, but he was still waiting for his best player to arrive. 

 

                      Meanwhile, Adam, already wearing his basketball uniform, rested on one of the seats, currently busy munching some snickers he just bought. He had airpods plugged into his ears, satisfying himself with some Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix and Pink Floyd songs, lightly banging his head in sync to the music, his blond fringes swaying along as he did. He had his trusty acoustic guitar safely kept in its black hard case, lying on the seat beside him, while his rust-brown stuffy backpack was placed upon his lap like a baby. Dating back to his early childhood days, Adam had always been an avid music fan and an excellent guitarist for a boy his age aside from finding competitive entertainment in basketball, and Yuuki played guitar as well. While he wasn't close to Adam's skill level, Yuuki was still decent enough on the instrument, and could compensate with his beautiful voice which he refused to use unless he was either forced to do so or quaffed half a pint of beer. Both of them would occasionally play songs together as a form of pastime aside from playing video games or basketball, with Adam usually showing off a new guitar riff he learned using either his acoustic or electric most of the time they decided to jam around. 

                    

                     He was about to take the last bite of his snack when on the corner of his eye, he could see someone stepping out of the large open doorway of the gym. 

 

                     "Coach," called Yuuki. 

 

                     "Oh, Yuuki!" he exclaimed with an undeniable hint of excitement in his voice. That excitement rooted from his massive respect towards the boy as a player. This feeling, however, instantly vanished when he spotted Yuuki's hand injury. He had heard the fighting incident. The news was all over the campus. He let out a sigh. "That little brawl you boys had earlier..."

 

                    Yuuki winced, realizing how ridiculously fast the news had spread. "Uh, what about it, Coach?"

 

                    "I would like it if you told me what happened."

 

                    "Probably not a good time for this, Coach," he disagreed. "We'd be wasting thirty minutes of practice."

    

                     "Don't worry," assured the Coach. "You're not practicing today."

 

                     Yuuki anticipated this, but he wasn't yielding just yet. "Look, Coach. I know I'm injured and all, but—"

 

                     "I'm not expecting you to perform well today because of that handicap you're currently having," the Coach cut him off. "And most especially, I can't afford to worsen it. I'm sorry, but you should just give yourself some time to recover for our upcoming game."

 

                     "I'm suspended for five days. Today's my last chance to practice this week. Please, Coach. My hand isn't even that bad."

 

                     "Look, Yuuki," said the Coach sternly, another sigh escaping his lips. "I understand how much you wanna practice, okay? You want to improve yourself even more. That strong will you have in reaching that dream of yours tells you to do so. But I'm gonna ask you this: what difference does it actually make if you took a break from the ball for a week? It's never gonna majorly affect your goal or your performance in our game a couple of weeks away."

 

                     "But—"

 

                     "For once, lad. Have faith in your skills." 

 

                     Yuuki took a long pause as he shut his mouth, presenting a face of defeat before Coach Hirsch. He had to admit, using his injured hand to hold objects, despite the convenient articulation on his bandaged fingers Ms. Colson provided, inflicted undesirable pain. While he didn't mind the feeling, there was no actual way he could pull off a proper ball throw if he played. 

 

                     "Well, that's the thing with determination, you know," Coach Hirsch went on. "While being a positive trait you possess, it pushes forward despite not having the ability to see the road it is taking. Sometimes it runs itself into a wall and even then it still tries to push forward into it instead of turning back to take other paths. If it still insists to keep pushing into the immovable wall, that's no longer determination. I'd call it foolishness."

 

                     Yuuki raised an eyebrow.

 

                     "I'm just saying. Learn to know what path you're going and learn how to turn back when it's a dead end," the middle-aged man added. 

 

                     "Okay... whatever," mumbled Yuuki inaudibly as he fought the urge to not roll his eyes. As a result of suppressing his feelings, his left eye twitched. "Aristotle somehow found a way to possess you again." Yuuki yielded, anyway. "Okay, Coach. Fine. I'll just be hanging around by the benches if you need me." He immediately proceeded to walk his way towards Adam's direction. His friend never budged on his seat, although his airpods were now in his pockets. 

 

                      "Did you actually expect Coach to let you play with that hand?" said Adam teasingly as Yuuki made his way to the vacant seat right next to Adam. 

 

                      "I was expecting I could convince him. He's always pretty easy to talk to, so what's wrong with him today?"

 

                      "Dude, he's probably just concerned about you. You're his ace and all, after all."

 

                      "Probably," Yuuki shrugged. "But fuck it, I'm really itching to play."

 

                      "Bro, just give it a rest. It's not like you'll die when you can't practice today, anyway. So how about playing something else instead?" Adam suggested, purposely gesturing towards his guitar. 

 

                      "Nah," Yuuki declined. "My wrist wouldn't like it at the moment."

 

                      Adam chuckled, noticing the amusing cognitive dissonance his friend currently had. "Oh, yeah. Because strumming the strings would hurt more than literally using your hand as a catapult for the ball."

 

                      After hearing those words of pure sarcasm, Yuuki was forced to take a long pause as he attempted to think of something witty as a rebuttal. To his dismay, nothing registered in his mind at the moment. He eventually gave up. "Okay. You got me."

 

                      "You're unbelievable… and I'm not surprised. Can't say I'm not worried, however."

 

                      "You shouldn't. I'm just fine."

 

                      "Then that means you'll be fine playing the guitar, right?"

 

                      "I really don't feel like it right now."

 

                      Adam reached for the guitar. "Eh, okay then. Have it your way." 

                      

                      Yuuki looked at Adam in confusion. "Wait. You're still going to take that out? Coach's about to start the session."

 

                      "Nah. Look!" Adam pointed to Coach Hirsch's direction, the chair he always had his ass resting on. And it was, for some reasons, empty, as if he simply vanished into thin air. There was no sign of his presence within the gym anymore, although the team— mostly, anyway— paid no mind , carrying on with their practice sessions.

 

                     "Something's definitely wrong with him today," implied Yuuki with a slight trace of worry in his voice. 

 

                     "Eh, probably just took a shit or something," assumed Adam, the guitar already positioned and handled properly by him. 

 

                     "You know you can still fucking practice on your own like Marcus and company are currently doing, right? Doesn't matter whether or not Coach is here instead of eating away your time like you're doing almost every night," said Yuuki.

 

                     "Oh, of course. But I'm really not in a hurry to play, unlike the guy I'm talking to, who always is, and ironically purposely makes himself late for his 'Japanese etiquette' bullshit even when he isn't in Japan anymore."

 

                     That last remark earned him a look from Yuuki.

 

                     "Besides…" he directly stared back at Yuuki. "You exist to single-handedly bring us the big W, so there's pretty much no point for me to try harder. Oh by the way, wanna hear a new song I just learned?"

 

                     "Oh, fuck you," cursed Yuuki, fighting the weak urge to laugh. "And yeah, sure. What song is it this time?"

 

                    "Wot's… uh the Deal?"

 

                    Yuuki raised an eyebrow. "Sorry. What?"

 

                    "Wot's… uh the Deal."

 

                    "What the fuck's that supposed to mean?"

 

                    "It's the title of the song. 'Wot's… uh the Deal?'. Question mark and ellipsis included."

 

                    "Oh, oh. Damn. That's a stupid name if I ever hear one."

 

                    "Hey. Pink Floyd isn't stupid."

 

                    "Wait. It's Pink Floyd?"

 

                    "Yeah."

 

                    "Okay, nevermind, I take it back. I'm actually interested now."

 

                    "It's just pretty simple and far from interesting when you compare it to their other songs," said Adam as he began to play. "But here it goes."

 

                    As Adam plucked the strings and as his fingers confidently pressed onto and ran through the frets, the guitar produced a sound Yuuki found extremely soothing. It reminded him of a very lazy cloudy morning where one would choose to sit by the balcony with a coffee on one hand while observing a beautiful scenery outside, where the mountains are vividly visible from afar where they appeared to touch the sky with the sun directly above them. A winding river snaked from the colorful plains of blossoming vegetation into a valley between the mountains. It could be just the song itself, or his friend's guitar execution. And then, Adam proceeded to sing. 

 

                "Heaven sent the promised land

       Looks alright from where I stand

       'Cause I'm the man on the outside looking in

       Waiting on the first step

       Show me where the key is kept

       Point me down the right line because it's time

       To let me in from the cold

       Turn my lead into gold

       'Cause there's a chill wind blowing in my soul

       And I think I'm growing old."

 

                 The song went on. Adam continued his singing after a pure guitar (obviously) instrumental.

 

                 "Fire bright by candlelight

                 And her by my side

                 And if she prefers we will never stir again

                Someone sent the promised land

                And I grabbed it with both hands

                Now I'm the man on the inside looking out

                Hear me shout "Come on in,

                What's the news and where you been?"

                 Cause there's no wind left in my soul

                 And I've grown old."

 

                 He kept on playing for about thirty seconds until he finally stopped, marking the song's end. 

 

                 "So… what do you think?" he asked. "Pretty nice, right?"

 

                 "Yeah, it's beautiful," responded Yuuki calmly, trying to restrain his reaction with all his might. "Although that isn't something you'd be usually playing." It truly was a drastic departure in comparison to what he usually played, which mostly were hard rock and metal like Led Zeppelin (But to be fair, pulling off metal shreds on acoustic, while possible, is far from orthodox).

 

                  "I mean, you gotta try something new sometimes," answered Adam.

 

                  "Fair point. Although for a Pink Floyd song, it doesn't sound like one. It kinda reminds me of Bread."

 

                  "Well, yeah. They weren't exactly using the sound they were known for in this song. It's still pretty good though… just don't compare it to their other stuff like their previous album Meddle and their next one, which, by the way, is The Dark Side of the Moon itself."

 

                   Yuuki was not exactly fully a Pink Floyd fan compared to Adam yet (he only began paying attention to the band and Progressive Rock as a whole about a month ago) but he does listen to quite a decent amount of their songs. "I'd say The Wall is my favorite from them. And speaking of The Dark Side of the Moon, it's just… I don't know. It's kinda too depressing for me to appreciate, but I admit:  sonically, the entire album is pure heaven."

 

                   "You seem to imply that Comfortably Numb isn't depressing."

 

                   "No, I'm not saying that, but at least Comfortably Numb doesn't induce existential crisis."

 

                   "Eh, I hard disagree."

 

                   "Well, that song… what was it called again?"

 

                   "Wot's… uh the Deal?" replied Adam, laughing at Yuuki again. 

 

                   "Well, it's still pretty good. Its lyrics are pretty layered too, as far as I'm concerned. Just not exactly on the level of the Beatles in terms of melody and overall quality."

 

                   Yuuki mentioning the Beatles caused Adam to hesitate for a couple of seconds. "... Okay. I can't believe you're actually comparing the Beatles in their prime to Pink Floyd before The Dark Side of the Moon and Wish You Were Here."

 

                    "I'm not comparing them overall. I'm just talking about the melodies."

 

                    "Well, Prog Rock usually doesn't fucking offer you colorful melodies. It instead offers you a kind  of music with loads of structural complexity like crazy time signatures and nice chord progressions."

 

                    "Gee, if only you were this smart and knowledgeable in Math," Yuuki retorted with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

 

                    "Ah, Touche."

 

                    Yuuki leaned on his seat while crossing his arms behind his head. "Gotta say though.  I think British music seems to be way better than American music, based on what I've experienced." Now, he was not exactly a music expert unlike Adam. He simply liked to play his guitar with whatever song he could play as a pastime, and that was enough for him. Well, truth be told, Yuuki was only trying his hardest to keep up with this topic he could not even give two shits about for the sole purpose of giving Adam a friend to share one of his biggest hobbies to. It was the sole reason he began to dive deeper into the world of music about a year ago until he was deep enough to reach the boundary dividing normies and "genuine" music enthusiasts. Adam proudly considered himself as the latter like the pretentious bastard he was.

 

                     "Yeah," Adam agreed. "American music industry went from great a couple of decades ago to absolute shit nowadays where every song is 4/4 and talks about sex and money and other repetitive topics. On the other hand, the British music industry's undoubtedly blessed with the greatest artists ever." 

 

                     "Like The Beatles."

 

                     "Obviously."

 

                     "And David Bowie himself."

 

                     "Yes. And Led Zeppelin. Pink Floyd. King Crimson. And…"

 

                     "Oasis."

 

                     Adam raised an eyebrow. "Nice call, but don't forget about Radiohead."

 

                     "Oh yeah, they're pretty good too, I guess," said Yuuki with a shrug. "Creep is a favorite of mine."

 

                     Adam was slightly infuriated upon hearing his friend say Creep. "The rest of their discography is—"

 

                    His friend's reaction urged Yuuki to laugh at him, cutting him off. "Just messing with that pretentious ass of yours. In Rainbows is my favorite Radiohead album at the moment, with Jigsaw Falling Into Place being my favorite song."

 

                    "You're such a— oh… oh shit."

 

                    A frown formed on Yuuki's face, confused on what caused Adam to stop abruptly. He seemed to be looking at something. "Hey. You okay, man? What— oh."

 

                    Sitting at the opposite side of the gym were their other friend, Marcus Hensley kissing a cute girl, who apparently was his girlfriend they didn't actually know existed.

 

                   "The dude's damn lucky, I'm telling you," said Adam with a look of envy etched on his face.

 

                   Yuuki placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, while trying not to laugh. "There, there."  

 

                   Adam abruptly turned his head to Yuuki. "And you're an even luckier bastard."

 

                  "Uh…"

 

                  "A solid seventy percent of the female population in school are head over heels for your pretty ass. And what do you do? You're not even grateful."

 

                  "It's not like I actually wanted to be their center of attention, anyway."

 

                  "I know, probably since you've already narrowed down your hundreds of options into two serious potential girlfriends. One's Kara Pelletier herself, and the other's E—"

 

                  "I only consider Kara as a friend, really. As for—"

 

                  "Oh, so Kara's out of the competition… assuming there was any competition at all. The rumors are nothing short of exaggerations, as always. But it's kinda wholesome, though: for five straight years, your feelings actually stayed loyal to this one girl," Adam rambled, and rolled his eyes afterwards. "And for five straight years, not once did you have enough courage to ask her out."

 

                  Yuuki winced.

 

                  "Yeah, you wouldn't wanna wait until she gets taken by someone else. Or even worse: some other circumstances might come up to nullify the possibility of getting her heart. Either way, you're gonna regret it so hard. While not as popular, keep in mind she's arguably much much prettier than Kara herself. Those killer looks you have might give you a headstart, but they're not gonna do much to get her if you're not making any attempts to do so. Hundreds of guys, while not as many as Kara's, are gonna fucking kill each other if it meant taking her hand. Yeah, she's fucking notorious for rejecting guys countless of times, and that's literally a fucking indication you need to make a move A-S-A-P. So when the fuck are you ever gonna gather up the courage to ask the girl out?"

                   Yuuki chose to respond with silence, despite receiving the urge to stop Adam's F-bomb barrage.

 

                   "Just as I fucking thought," said Adam with a sigh. "Some fucking hotshot you are."

 

                  Adam went on. "But my point is, you should at least show some gratefulness to that perfect face of yours plus your ball skills and personality. I'd see myself as a damn king if I'm as much of a fucking chick magnet as you are. Because fuck it. My luck fell short on girls." Despite Adam's above-average overall appearance and a few skills such as guitar-playing and basketball to brag about, girls somehow weren't giving him enough attention. It could be attributed to his brash personality; it truly was often a turn off for them, but we're pretty certain at this point this was not the only case. 

 

                  "I don't think it matters now," said Yuuki, apparently disregarding all those words directed towards him as a means to not affect him greatly. Adding the fact that he was used to these kinds of rantings from Adam (but no jokes and discussions about his mom, please). "You'll someday find the girl perfectly meant for you eventually."

 

                   Adam sighed. "I fucking hope so, but I doubt that."

 

                   "Why?"

 

                   "My standards are probably too much to ask."

 

                   "What standards are we talking about, anyway?" Yuuki asked with a scowl. 

 

                   "Well, uh, obviously..." Adam was reluctant to spill it. "First off, I'd like a really cute girl with a perfect hourglass figure." He paused for two seconds, which prompted Yuuki to speak up.

 

                   "And…?" Yuuki asked. "That's it? That's your 'high standard'?"

 

                   "Of course there's more. That's just my dick talking. I'd also want her to be friendly and approachable yet fun enough to joke around at times. I'd want her to be someone I can quickly get along with. I want her to be able to easily reach out to me on a personal level whenever I need it. I'd even like her a lot if she doesn't hesitate to help people who are in need and as much as she can, even if she gets herself in trouble for it."

 

                    "Okay, go on."

 

                    "And on the plus side, if she's a gamer, and good at either a certain sports game or a musical instrument, then holy shit. She's my perfect ideal girl."

 

                    Yuuki listened intently. "I still wouldn't even consider it too much of a 'high standard', because it's not. Well, unless you refuse venturing outside Harvine, I guess, 'cause I'm certain a type of girl like that isn't something you'd easily find here, so you'll have to double your efforts."

 

                    "Well, yeah, I know it sucks. I also doubt I'd be a worthy guy for her," said Adam with a sigh and a downcast face. Yet slowly but surely, a smile crept across his face as he eyed Yuuki in a playful way. "But the funny thing is, I technically already found one."

 

                    "Oh? I hope you don't mind me asking who she is."

 

                    "Of course," Adam said somehow jokingly, and slowly turned his head around to Yuuki's direction, fixating his eyes into his. "I'm talking about you."

 

                    There was a long moment of silence. A silence that seemed to last forever, as if time itself had stopped to cringe at the awkwardness that answer brought. Eventually, however, it was immediately shattered when Yuuki spoke. "W-what?" he said, slightly outraged. 

 

                    Adam burst out in a laughter of amusement at Yuuki's confusion. "Don't get it twisted. I meant you ironically fit Criteria Number 2 and 3 with flying colors."

 

                   Yuuki quickly recalled the said criteria. And upon doing so, it urged him to laugh along, albeit in a nervous manner. "Y-yeah. It's funny."

 

                   Both were straight up laughing for six solid seconds before the series of laughter Adam was letting out ended with a teasing smile at Yuuki. It was a smile he would usually use when he was trying to attract someone in a… sexual way, yet this time it was being used as a joke. "Dude, no cap. I'd take you on a date in a heartbeat if you were a girl." He immediately laughed again afterwards.

 

                    Within Yuuki, that smile, and those last remarks… triggered something within him. A feeling he had been attempting to throw away for years. A feeling that filled his entirety with ecstasy. A feeling that forced his heartbeat to pick up the pace. A feeling that ordered his blood to heat up and redden his face. A feeling that made him feel like a scrap of metal being pulled by a magnet named Adam. For the first time in history… he saw the blond-haired jock in a drastically different way. Yuuki turned his head away as a means of preventing his friend from seeing his tomato face. 

 

                      Noticing his strange behavior, Adam quickly and concernedly asked. "Something wrong, Yuk?"

 

                      "I uh…" mumbled Yuuki, slowly inserting his arms through the straps of his backpack. Calling me Yuk isn't fucking helping at all! "I'm heading out for the bathroom. I'll... I'll be back." 

• ••••••••••••••

 

                      The gentle sound of running water filled the empty yet neatly sanitized bathroom.

 

                       Yuuki carefully pressed the faucet off with a soaking wet trembling hand, having been successful taking a leak and washing off Enrico's nicotine-smelling spit on his shirt. As the rest of the water drained, he leaned against the sink using his left arm as support. As he eyed his reflection, a familiar feeling surged in within him once again. Indeed, it was the same old Yuuki staring back at him: jet-black hair, sharp alluring eyes possessing apparent epicanthic folds and a certain eye shape indicating what race he belonged to, a symmetrical unblemished face most girls (especially the K-Pop stans) would die to kiss, and a slightly muscular body one would label as "athletic" and find attractive (especially the abs). Yet, for a millionth time, that same feeling of unfathomable dissatisfaction lingered in his chest every time he caught a glimpse of his own face. What is this exactly? Could it be me subconsciously wanting to be more attractive? Nah, bullshit. I know that's not true. But could it be a result of stress caused by the vast amount of attention I usually received? Probably. He could not formulate a conclusion on where it truly originated and why it existed. This came into existence only a year ago, and it had been nothing but a bother to deal with ever since. 

 

                    And those moments earlier were completely terrifying for him. I shouldn't exactly have been affected by such a simple joke. But what the fuck happened? He thought, as he proceeded to clutch his chest. 

 

                   His heart was still thumping like a drum being abused. 

 

                   That very sexual smile automatically inserted images into his mind. Images where he could see his friend devoid of any clothes. Where he could see his… he dared not say it, as he shook his head to free himself from these thoughts. Immediately after, he had the urge to look down.

 

                   Oh, God.

 

                   He clutched his chest again, this time his hands were trembling even more. A bead of sweat rolled down his temple. Shit… it's getting stronger. 

 

                   Yuuki looked at his reflection again, only to quickly avert them from the large mirror. He hastily began to dry his hand (he refused to wet his injured one) and checked his (waterproof) watch. 3:32 PM. 3:30 PM was the exact time school ended, but the team were purposely extending their training time due to the upcoming sports event. He was most likely free to go and Coach Hirsch would understand if he did due to his injury, which was the whole reason as to why he was prohibited from practicing in the first place. He definitely wanted to stay; a part of him still hoped he would have the chance to play this afternoon, and another was simply urging him to observe the session. But his worry stemming from this unnatural feeling building up in his chest was enough to convince him of going straight home to rest. After all, this could only be a result of the stress he had gathered throughout the entire day.

 

                    Right?

 

                    Either way, I'm out of this place. 

 

                    Fishing for his phone, he immediately went to message Adam as he exited the bathroom. 

 

                    "Looks like I was wrong about my hand being 'fine' after all because now it's aching like hell and demands some rest. So I'm heading out first. Hope you're cool with it," he typed, hastily clicking the send button afterwards before walking away through the corridors. It was convenient for him to use the bathroom in the corridor instead of the one in the gym. That way he could leave without the risk of seeing Adam again. He felt a bit guilty for not properly saying goodbye to the whole team and Coach himself, but until those dirty thoughts of his caused by that smile and that joke subsided, he would have to refuse seeing Adam's face for the time being, albeit him despising the idea, for it felt like betraying his own best friend whom he had known for more than ten years now. Hell, keeping this secret on his own without ever letting Adam know about it was betrayal enough.

 

                   But this was something he had been hiding from everyone (yet for the sake of his basketball ambition, he was willing to take risks like suspiciously staying late every game and practice session and coming up with lousy reasons to give him a pass). And many times he had tried to open up to Adam regarding the topic, yet every time he took the first step in doing so, his feet always became excessively heavy with fear, preventing him from taking the second step. The vast majority of Harvine's population being extremely religious were enough to completely convince Yuuki to hide it. Anything against their beliefs was considered satanic. Thus obviously, they refused to consider all LGBTQ folks as fellow humans like them. Now, Adam and his parents were not exactly included in this majority. But how Adam's perspective towards him would turn out in a new light terrified him. Anything that could potentially change his friendship with Adam, even if ever-so-slightly, brought fear into him. However, he knew he eventually had to spill the beans… at least to Adam, if he wanted a much more genuine relationship with him, and if he did not want to betray him. Adam utterly despised it when secrets were being kept from him, which ironically was among the contributing factors as to why he was still completely oblivious about it. Whatever might ensue when Yuuki finally took the risk to reveal his ten-year-old secret, one thing is certain: a massive change will occur between them as friends. It could either sway yet eventually strengthen their friendship, or otherwise, or worst case scenario: ultimately end it. 

 

                  Yuuki shook his head, attempting to free himself from these thoughts. The day was stressful enough. He could not afford to let his imagination running wild make it worse for him. 

 

                  The corridors at this time of the afternoon gradually descended into silence as most students rushed their way to the school's exit. The one he was walking down was perfectly peaceful. Little to no one was passing through, guaranteeing a good silence in the hall, if the audible muffled random noises outside produced by the crowd of students themselves eager to go home were to be ignored. Aside from these and the echoing footsteps of his and the others passing by, he could've sworn he heard Coach Hirsch's deep voice. It seemed to be just from ahead of him, particularly coming from one of the rooms. He could as well hear a light sobbing of a familiar voice.

                  

                   Just as he was about to start investigating, the phone in his pocket vibrated for around half a second. He knew it was Adam. He had replied to his message.

 

                   "No prob bro just get sum rest. Cya soon."  the message read. 

 

                   While putting the device back into his pocket, he heard one of the doors abruptly swing open accompanied by heavy running footsteps. And it was coming his way. Right before he could even raise his head to know who it was, a force colliding against him caused him to lose his balance. Next thing he knew, a sharp pain had spread across his injured wrist as his body slammed down to the floor. 

 

                     "Aah! Fuck!" he cried in pain as he held his wrist. Some parts of his body ached from the impact of his drop as well. Considering how his day went, this was a trigger for him to snap. "FUCK IT, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"

 

                     Yuuki could hear a sudden worried gasp from whoever this person is. "I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" 

 

                      That voice. 

 

                      No way. 

 

                    "Oh God. Oh… w-why do I keep bumping into everyone today?" her voice sounded as if she was crying. "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm really sorry! It's all my fault. I…" The person’s words trailed off, as if in ssurprise, as she stooped down to him, letting Yuuki confirm who she was.

 

                     Red hair, sky blue eyes, and an undeniably pretty face. Her very presence was enough to heat his face up to the point where it was as red as a hot coal. His heart was fluttering like a butterfly on steroids again, and he loved every second of that feeling. He felt like an idiot for letting himself snap in front of her. 

 

                     "Yuuki... are you okay?"

 

                     "E… Evie."

 

                     But Evie's eyes seemed to be wet with tears, and she appeared to have recently wiped the ones that flowed out when he wasn't looking. "I… L... let me help you up. I'm really sorry... for being such a klutz. I wasn't thinking straight. I just… I just ran without looking ahead," she said in a guilty, yet hesitant tone, as she slowly offered a hand. Her eyes went to focus on Yuuki's hand, urging her to apologize for the millionth time. "I'm sorry for hitting your hand. If it really hurts, I can take you to the clinic in no time."

 

                    "No, i-it's fine. I'm fine," he nervously assured. 

 

                    "You sure?"

 

                    "Yeah. It's just a little sting. It's not that bad, really."

 

                    "Then let me just help you up." 

 

                     Yuuki eyed her outstretched hand. From finger to finger, and inch by inch, it was soft and delicate. He was at first very reluctant, but he decided to take it (with his left, of course) quickly afterwards.

 

                     Suddenly, his injured hand didn't hurt anymore. 

 

                     And suddenly, as he reassessed, he figured his day wasn't so bad, after all.