Chapter 1

I’ll cut to the chase. Life was pretty mediocre. My best friends invited me over to play murder in the dark. I walk in. Sit down. We play murder in the dark. I get actually murdered. For real. I wake up. I’m dead. I know I’m dead. But I’m not dead. I feel like my body is on fire and drowning at the same time. Dreamlike state. Flashes of images. Some of the group standing over me. Saying things I can’t understand. Black.

Now here’s the long version.

“Sometimes, a long walk was exactly what Kiran needed to clear his head. He used to listen to podcasts, probably just to simulate having someone to talk to, but lately he’d been zoning out to some music. Music with lyrics actually which was a bit of a departure from his normal que of movie scores. Well… maybe lyrical music mixed in with some movie scores. Kiran wasn’t going to change something so drastic about himself as his taste in music overnight.”

Nope. That was weird. Talking to myself was weird.

I got the idea from the university health center. I tried to get therapy, but they said I either had too many problems or not enough. Either way, they wanted to funnel me to someone outside their network that I most certainly couldn’t afford. Instead of paying through the teeth, I’d begun to talk into a microphone I’d bought for podcasting.

It was small and portable and if I was on a walk anyways what was the harm?  Maybe I could be my own therapist? Especially a walk at almost 1 am. On a school night. On campus. Maybe during finals there would be other people around, but right now… I didn’t see but one maybe two others the entire walk.

But as I said, talking into a mic all by yourself… would take some getting used to. I resumed the recording and was getting ready to speak when I felt the buzz of my phone. Thank god.

Audry: Check this out.

Underneath there was a link.

It was a TikTok using the Bella’s lullaby sound from Twilight, but with some audio from the musical Hamilton over the top of it. The sort of video that's only funny in the context of all the other bizarre humor on TikTok.

Kiran: ???

Audry sent me another few tiktoks. It distracted me enough to make it back into my dorm without realizing how far I’d been walking. One TikTok, in particular, was two guys reenacting the clone Spiderman meme and she had sent the caption: us meeting freshman year.

Audry and I were pretty similar as people. We both watched the crap out of TV. Like literally so much TV. We both did theater in high school. Well, she did musical theater and I did straight plays and improv. We both liked running. Although she did it to take out her energy, and I did it cause my dad did. I guess you could say we were the same sentence in different fonts, or like the same ingredients just jumbled up into slightly different orientations and quantities. Anyways, I’m probably rambling.

Audry: So, thinking about having a murder in the dark party soon. Invite the squad?

Kiran: Sounds fun. Saturday?

Audry: Sounds good to me dude.

We had a whole group of like 12 friends. We were really tight freshman year, but this year I live in a different dorm than them so I only get to see them once a week. Still, once a week is better than never.

God, I couldn’t wait until Saturday. I entered my dorm room, making sure to keep the lights off. My roommate and I had said maybe an entire paragraph to each other the entire semester so far. I just didn’t know where to find an in with him, so I never really tried.

I climbed up into my lofted bed, plugged my phone in, and drifted off to sleep. I tended to be a vivid dreamer, but even vivid dreams get murky. All I remember upon waking up was that Audry was there. She and I were on the couch… or at the dining room table. My hand was in hers. Or maybe I was hugging her from behind, my arms wrapped around her as my suddenly long hair draped over my eyes and blended into hers. I remembered the smell of her shampoo and exhaling for what felt like the first time in months.

Then she looked at me. Audry smiled in a such a genuine way and said, “You’re pretty.”

She leaned in for the kiss or maybe I just wished she did and conjured it up in my half-awake stupor that morning. When I was actually awake (at almost noon mind you; I didn’t have class until one) I sighed.

What’s worse? Waking up from a bad dream that scares you shitless… or waking up from a good dream knowing reality is worse?

I carefully descended the ladder-like rungs at the foot of my bed, stepping down onto the dresser, then the desk, then the chair, and then the floor before stumbling over to the bathroom. Keeping the lights off I turned on the water, stripped down, and stepped in.

Showers in the dark were nice, I guessed. They were something I’d done for years, but never really understood why. I read one time that it was supposed to simulate human touch and/or being in the womb. The internet was constantly telling me I was lonely like I wasn’t already aware of that fact. So sure, filling the loneliness void with warm water and darkness to make you forget you’re alone… blah blah blah. I dunno, I just felt like something in the back of my head said I didn’t need to worry anymore when I was in the dark. I couldn’t see myself, but that meant others couldn’t see me either. I could exist without being perceived.

Anyways, so school was boring let's skip to the fun part before you click away: Saturday.

I pulled up to the gate, entered Audry’s code and she buzzed me. Audry lived with most of the other girls in our friend group. Their apartment was across the hall from her boyfriend and three of the other guys in the group. Of our freshman-year group, there were only two of us who still lived on campus.

I parked and knocked on her door. She opened it and I could smell the conditioner wafting off her long dark hair. She pushed her glasses up just a bit and smiled ever so slightly before waving me in.

“So… I brought Catan as well, in case enough people wanted to play.”

“Hey, Kiran.”

“Oh, what’s up bro?” I shot back. It was Audry’s boyfriend Jack. He was a few inches shorter than me, and the same height as Audry. Equally black hair but even this late in the year he still had a residual tan. I liked him fine. He was quieter in groups, I was louder. Sometimes that’s just how it works out.

“Who all’s coming? Are the girls in the back?”

“Oh,” Audry answered, “No, most of them went home. Figured they’d do it now since Halloween is next week and we can all go harder together.”

“Oh. Cool.” I didn’t mind. Any people was better than no people.

Our four other friends filtered in, a few with drinks in tow.

“Alright everyone,” said Jack, taking charge in a way I’d never quite seen him do before. “Draw your card. Let’s get to some murder.”

If you don’t know how Murder in the Dark works, it's an IRL version of Among Us. One person draws the “murderer” card and they go around dragging their finger across the other players’ necks. If you find a dead body, you yell, “Murder in the dark!” Then we discuss who we think the murderer was and they have to sit on the "dead couch." The murderer wins if they kill all the other players. The players win if they catch the murderer.

“Okay, ready?”

The lights turned off. I started walking around aimlessly. In Among Us and Muder in the Dark, I’m the kind of player that just meanders around looking for dead bodies. Unless I was the murderer, which I wasn’t, all the real action happened in the discussion periods.

I made my way into the kitchen. Somebody brushed up against me. I stepped back but their grip had found my wrist. They maneuvered themself behind me. Finger to my throat, here I come. I hate being the first one to die.

The thing on my neck was colder and harder than a finger. I felt a spike of panic, but there was no way I was truly in danger. It was just me and my friends. What could possibly happen?

Then the thing on my throat turned, scraping gently against my neck, and I could feel the sharp edge. Was someone really about to kill me? The thing on my neck certainly felt like a knife. Shit. They may be actually trying to kill me.

And that’s when the knife was drawn across my throat.

The pain hit hard at first but very quickly everything just started to feel wet and warm. I was so disoriented from being in the dark and then having my throat sliced open that I struggled to feel or have a sense of place. I was even more discombobulated when a pressure pushed my head down. Instantly my face was wet. Someone pushed my head down into a sink, so most of my blood was dripping down my face and into my eyes. To my knowledge, having your throat slit is actually more akin to drowning than other bloody injuries, but with my head down the blood had less ability to make it to my lungs.

Then I felt two impacts puncturing into my back. My throat being messed up as it was, I couldn’t physically scream, just haphazardly gush more blood out of my now gaping wound.

My breathing burned as my body craved oxygen untainted by blood and fear. I was faintly aware that I was flailing, but my body seemed so far away from me.

Quickly, the warmth of the blood covering me failed to cover up the cold of not having it in my body. Everything hurt. Then none of it did. I found out later that there were two more stabs that went into either side of my head, hence the blacking out. From my point of view, the blackness swiftly and finally absorbed me.

But not before my assailant whispered in my ear, “Murder in the dark… See you soon Kiran.”

I was murdered… in the dark.

Literally.

Fuck.

What was next?

Nothing.

And then everything, as images started flashing before me. It was akin to trying to remember a dream. People standing over me. Possibly my friends? Or at least the ones that I had been playing with. Jack. Standing center. They were saying something. I couldn’t quite tell. Then I realized it wasn’t that I couldn’t hear them, but that I couldn’t understand them. Whatever language they were speaking sounded like German, Hebrew, and Russian all at the same time.

Audry. She was there. Right? But I didn’t see her standing over me.

Oh. There she was. In the corner. She looked nervous? Maybe scared?

"It’s okay Audry," I wanted to say. "I don’t hurt."

Why didn’t I hurt?

Was I okay?

Then the pain kicked in. I hadn’t been drowning before but now my entire body felt like it was under the pressure of the ocean and saltwater filled my insides. At the same time, it was as though I was being roasted over a spit. Everything was so unbearably hot. But with the pressure I couldn’t move.

Fire covered my limited field of view.

Fire?

Was there someone in the fire?

Something in the fire?

Then the black swallowed me up again.

Brianna

I clicked the lighter a few times until it lit. Watching the flames dance.

Then I blew it out.

“Happy early birthday.”

Saturdays here always were busy.

“Oh, it’s good to be back.”