Consultation 61.

“God, how do I be the most depressed person in the multiverse?”

“What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you want to do something pointless like that?”

“Because I want to be the best at something. Since I know I’m not particularly good at anything I thought this would be my best chance to stand at the very pinnacle in a field. The road to depression is deep and profound.”

“Tch. So you were actually just an idiot.”

“Hahaha. Why thank you for the compliment, God. Anyway, I thought up some stuff like being stuck in a void for eternity or maybe reincarnating into a super loving family but they die horrible tragic deaths in front of me as their souls wrongly blame me then after I die I'm forced to experience that over and over again. How does that sound? Pretty depressing, right?”

“Amateur.”

“What?”

“Your approach is amateurish and far too naive. It shows you’re still too green in the art of depression. You’ve gravely underestimated the profound path to true depression if you think just that alone will make you the most depressed person in the multiverse.”

“What! How can that possibly be?”

“Listen, the art of depression is complex, it is a long winding road that is not to be looked down upon. If you want to be the most depressed person in the multiverse, I’m sorry to tell you this but you’re competing with someone you can’t even begin to fathom. Do you know who currently holds the title of the most depressed person in the multiverse?”

“Who is it, God? Who is this great master I have to face off against to be the very best like no one ever was?”

I raised a thumb up and said, “Hmmph. It was I, God!” as I pointed my thumb toward my chest with unwavering confidence.

“No way, it can’t be! How can this be possible?”

“You think simply being alone isolated in a void or repeatedly experiencing the death of your loving family is enough to lead you to the true extremes of depression? Sorry to tell you this, but you’re so wrong it’s not even funny. Do you really want to know the secret to the true ultimate depression?

“Yes, please point me in the correct direction, God.”

“Listen here, true depression is being among the most powerful existences yet being forced into a slave-like system where you provide life counseling sessions to only the most fucked up women in the world while buried alive in a debt trap, paid dirt cheap minimum wage, and unable to believe a single sane woman exists because of your shitty job! Hah… hah… hah…” I was winded by how fast I spit all of that out in a single breath.

“Do you understand and get all that?” 

“I-I-I do.”

“Do you? Do you really understand it all! You can’t possibly understand this sort of depression unless you experience it yourself! Until you can achieve something of this level, don’t you dare consider calling yourself the most depressed person in the multiverse else you’ll be spitting in my face. Do you want to spit in my face? Do you? Do you dare spit in God’s face?”

“N-no. I dare not.”

“Good, then get the fuck out. You now know what you need to do if you wish to become the most depressed person in the multiverse. You have to become me. You got that?”

“Y-Y-Yeah. I got it.”

She warily stood up while watching me carefully afraid of making any sudden moves that might aggravate me.

“God, I’ll do my best to make you not the most depressed person in the multiverse.”

“Sure, go for it. If I know someone else becomes as depressed as me, I’ll end up feeling a bit better, thus you’d end up being the most depressed person in the multiverse. That is your path to the pinnacle of depression. Work hard to make that dream of yours come true.”

“Yes, sir! I’ll become a God of Depression that not even you will be a match for in the great art of depression.”

“Then, I’ll look forward to the arrival of that day.”