Consultation 64.

“God, how do I use an emoji?”

“How old are you exactly?”

“22.”

“And you’re telling me you don’t know how to use an emoji?”

“Of course I know how to use an emoji.”

“Then why are you asking how to use one?”

“Because I feel like society is at a great bottleneck in the art of emojis. I want to see society breakthrough into a new era of emojis. One beyond simple texts or posts on social media.”

“An emoji is an emoji, what the hell more could you possibly want out of it?”

“Something with more impact. Something that can truly encapsulate human emotions in their totality. I want to surpass the limitations of the digital world and truly bring emojis to life. What I really want to know is how to use an emoji in real life to convey my feelings.”

“I see. So that’s what you want. You want emojis in the real world.”

“Yes, as I’m not very good at conveying my feelings.”

“Well, if that's all you want, it’s actually pretty simple then. You just need to chop people’s heads off and skin their faces. You can then pin their skin up in a way to form the faces you want. Whenever you want to display an emotion, you just need to pull it out the one with the expression you want to convey and put it on like a mask. This will allow you to properly utilize the most human-like emojis in real life.”

“Another option you have is to chop the person’s head off and force the face into the expression you want. Allow rigor mortis to occur and the expression to freeze in place. You can just carry the heads around with you in a bag and pull them out when you want to convey those emotions.”

“The trade-off from the skin method is that it takes up more space, is harder to transport, and the flesh will start to decay, rot, and smell. As such, the head method will require you to replace them more frequently compared to the skin method. Similar to how clothes last a long time, the skin method allows you to preserve these emojis more effectively so you don’t need to replace them as often. However, with the head method, you gain a new depth and breadth to the complexity of the emotions that can be displayed. Each method has its own sorts of benefits and disadvantages.”

“Well, what do you think of this new line of hyper realistic emojis?”

“Marvelous. This is amazing, God. How has this not been invented yet?”

“Because of a thing certain humans call morality.”

“Morality? What the hell is that? Can I eat it? Screw morality! In the name of the advancement of emojis, morality can kiss my ass. With this breakthrough in the art of emojis, I’m sure we’ll advance by leaps and bounds. God, thank you for your guidance. I’ll be sure to make emojis that surpass your wildest dreams.”

“Or you could just… maybe not do that. I’m fine with it not surpassing my wildest dreams you know.”

“Never! How can I possibly not go above and beyond?”

“Beyond? You really don’t need to...” I’d like to believe you can’t possibly go beyond this.

“God, fear not, I won’t let you down.”

“It’s really fine if you let me down a lot.”

“I understand you’re trying to be considerate of me in the event I fail, but I will dream big and think different, just as my predecessor surnamed Jobs once did before me. In the same fashion that great man surnamed Jobs did for emoji what the Egyptians did for temples, I too will bring about an innovative emoji revolution with the guidance you have given me.”

“I think that man surnamed Jobs would be crying right now if he knew just how differently you were thinking right now and even regret his big mouth.”

“That just means I’m doing good.”

“Yeah… sure...” I think it really just means you’re insane, but you’re entitled to your opinion I guess.

“Then, I’ll be on my way, God. I’ve got to get to work. I’ve got a long road ahead of me. The future truly looks bright for the future of emojis now that the clouds have cleared.”

“Right.” Rather than bright, it looks pretty terrifying and outright dreary. But who am I to judge mortal tastes?

She stood up from her seat, bowed, and took her leave.