Consultation 77.

“God, how do I make everyone in the world part of a single global human centipede?”

“Haaaaaaaaah. Y.”

“Why? What do you mean, why?”

“Why the hell do you want to do something as degenerate as that?”

“Because it would solve world hunger. If we could survive on each other’s excrement we could theoretically recycle food an infinite number of times and feed everyone each other’s feces to survive, right? We could use piss for water and also recycle it in an eternal closed-loop system. It would all eventually just loop back around to the beginning, wouldn’t it?”

“You would still have to be concerned about losses incurred through sweat. You’d lose liquids and other nutrients required to survive like that.”

“Oh, that’s right, there was a flaw I didn’t consider. Good catch, God.”

“So you actually wanted to solve world hunger? Was that your real question?”

“What?”

“Was I... wrong?”

“Of course. I couldn’t care less for world hunger, I just want to make everyone eat shit and drink piss.”

Haha. Why did I even expect anything? Do I not know better by now?

“Well, God, tell me how to make it happen.”

“Tch. Haaah. If you want to make everyone part of a human centipede, you’ll first need to force human evolution in a direction that makes humans enjoy eating shit and drinking piss. To do this you will need to start small and work your way up. Gather a bunch of people and make smaller human centipedes in the beginning. You need to make many of them. Stitch their asses to mouths and mouths to asses then force them to eat each other's shit and drink each other's piss. You will also inject them with the necessary supplements required for them to survive. Whenever they ingest shit or drink piss, inject them with drugs that stimulate their brain to release endorphins.”

“This will make it so they feel artificially induced pleasure whenever they eat shit or drink piss. Now, in the beginning many of your initial human centipedes will die in the process, but eventually you will find groups that survive for longer and longer durations of time. You can force these people to reproduce and have their children join the human centipede. Keep doing this over many generations before you release them into the public to start reproducing with normies.”

“Once they reproduce with normies, get their heterogeneous-freak-abomination-hybrid-normie, shit-eating, piss-drinking children to develop their appetites for shit and piss as well. If you do this over enough generations, you can gradually infect the global population with the genes of shit eating piss drinkers and turn everyone into their kind. Once this has been achieved, people will be more than happy to become one giant global human centipede of degeneracy.”

“When you follow this process well, you effectively end up with the end product being the internet.”

“I see. It’s brilliant. You took the formation of the internet and applied it to transforming humans into shit eating piss drinkers. This is a revolutionary idea, God. To use innovation to transpose the evolutionary process of the internet into a global human centipede… haaaaah, only a true God could think of such a thing. I’m in so much awe that I can’t even begin to describe how moved I am emotionally.”

“Yeah, yeah, enough ass-kissing. If you thought you could get some shit out of me to eat by flattering me or something it’s not going to work.”

“How did you know?”

“I’m a God, I’m not going to fall for little tricks. And I sure as hell don’t want some weirdo eating my shit.”

“Damn. I was really hoping I could sample some. You sure? I’d pay double the consultation fee.”

“D-Double… you say?” I could make up for that consultation where that chick bribed the Goddess of Reception with a sandwich.

“Oh, are you interested after all?”

“N-No… never.” I averted my eyes to the side, embarrassed that I even considered it.

“Darn, I was even willing to go as far as paying ten times the amount.”

... 

The consultation ended there. I didn’t perform any sort of degenerate act… I swear. My head on the desk buried in my arms in shame right now definitely wasn’t because I sold my dignity and pride or anything. I absolutely didn't sell my poop to the devil... I mean soul, SOUL, DAMN IT! You hear me? Please believe me. 

Sniff. Sniff.

It's tough being a God in heaven. Don’t believe the bullshit you’re told about heaven as a mortal, it’s not what they make it out to be at all.