Consultation 84.

“God, when I kill my husband, I’d like for his body to reincarnate as a door and his penis to reincarnate as the doorknob. Also, the door he reincarnates as needs to be in a gym used by sweaty old men. Can you pull some strings for me and make this happen?”

“No.”

“What, why not?”

It’s too malicious even for me.

“It’ll cost extra.” Well, everyone’s got a price, right? I’m not the corrupt one here, the system is.

“How much extra?”

“One hundred times the normal price.”

“One hundred times… that’s a bit...”

“Look, pulling strings in heaven isn’t easy you know. It’ll mean paying off the right people. First, you need to know which God holds jurisdiction over reincarnating your husband. Next, you need to get his reincarnation case transferred to a specialized God licensed in reincarnating him as the desired target object. The more specific your request, the more work it is to track down the right God to get the job done. As there is less demand for highly specialized Gods like him, the cost for a request like yours is pretty high.” 

The God of Reincarnating Husbandos Killed by their Waifus into Doors is the guy I’d have to get in touch with to get this done. Seriously, why the hell are there infinitely many stupid specializations for Gods? Well, when there are infinite planes with an infinite number of mortals I guess there are infinite possibilities for Gods to specialize in as well. Even if it’s something oddly specific like this, when dealing with infinity, there are bound to be clients even for them.

“I see. So there are Gods who specialize in certain fields of reincarnation?”

“Yes. Counseling Gods like me can refer you to the correct departments and specialized Gods who can handle your requests.”

“If I’m understanding correctly, you’d be acting as a third party intermediary like a broker, right?”

“Yeah. You could say that. By going through me you can get a discounted price. If you go directly to them, they’d charge you a higher fee.”

“I understand. If that is the case I’ll pay up.”

“By the way, why do you even want to turn your husband into a door?”

“Well, my husband works as a photographer for supermodels. One day I discovered his secret.”

“His secret? And what was his secret? Was he cheating on you with those models?”

“No. He wasn’t.”

“He wasn’t? Then what’s made you want to kill him?”

“Rather than the models, he was cheating on me with something unexpected. I found out he gets off to licking the doorknobs of the model’s change rooms in secret. My husband is cheating on me with doors.”

Uwah. What a pitiful degenerate.

“I see.”

“Since he likes to lick the doorknobs they touch so much, I figured I’d let him enjoy some sweaty old men helping him out with those problems of his since I’m apparently not enough for him.”

“I understand. I’ll get in touch with the Gods who can take care of your request. Was that everything?”

“Yes. That will be all. Thank you very much for your assistance, God. I’ll send the funds over right away.”

With that said, she took her leave.