Consultation 86.

“God, how to get children to love me?”

“Do you mind if I ask how old you are?”

“I am 20.”

“I see. And what exactly is your occupation?”

“A clown.”

“And when you say you want children to love you, can you please provide me with your definition of love?”

“I want them to bow down to me and worship me as their clown overlord.”

I breathed out a sigh of relief, deleted the three-digit number I’d secretly keyed in on my phone, and turned it off.

“I see. I see. So you just wanted to become their clown overlord. So that’s what it was.”

“Yes, I want them all to lick my feet as I rain down golden showers upon them.”

“...”

“What’s wrong, God? Why did you suddenly turn silent.”

“Do you mind if I make a call really quickly?”

“Uh, sure. Go ahead.”

“Hello, Author, is that you? Uh, yeah, I just wanted to verify something. Oh, you already know what I wanted to ask? What? You say it’s fine? You sure about that? You say she could be talking about buying children sold off as slaves but treating them well by showering them in riches with gold coins? I see. I see. It’s a pretty gray area, but it should be fine as long as ‘open to interpretation’ is tagged onto it. Alight, thanks. We’ll go with that. ”

When I hung up, she asked, “Is there something wrong with my request, God?”

“No problemo. Author says I’ll get paid so everything is cool.”

“So, how do I get children to love me as their clown overlord?”

“Well, instead of using traditional white makeup, start using a mix of golden chocolate brown makeup instead. Ehem. Just to clarify, this is not black makeup.”

“Why are you explicitly emphasizing not to use black makeup?”

“I’d like to keep my job.”

“Anyway, moving on. You’ll also need to change your name to Golden Krelly the Rapping Clown. With a name like that, kids will eat it up like hot garbage and adore you like you’re some sort of revolutionary messiah. They’ll prostrate in worship toward your fresh take on the art of clownhood. You will become a hybrid clown rapper. You’ll spit bars so fire the kids will be left with no other option but to bow down and kiss your feet just like you wanted.”

“Rappers are the types that get those sorts of die-hard crazy fans. Thus, by combining the two professions you will be able to achieve your objectives. There is also a certain notorious rapper known quite well for golden showers. If he can do it, why can’t you?”

“What you say is certainly true… by combining rap and clowning, my dream of being loved by children will no longer just be a dream. Thank you, God. I will work hard to ensure I can rain down my golden showers upon as many of the poor lost little lambs across the globe as I possibly can.”

“Yeah. Sure, you go enjoy yourself. Now please get out of my office, you degenerate freak of a clown.”