Consultation 125.

“God, how do I get my parents to accept who I want to marry?”

I won’t be fooled. On the surface, this was a very normal question, but there’s no way it was so simple. What’s the gimmick this time? I can’t afford to let my guard down and not catch on. That bastard Author is sure to make me look like an idiot again if I can’t figure this out.

What could it be? What is it, it has to be something I wouldn’t expect. Could it be a tree? An animal? Maybe it’s a newborn baby. Perhaps her eyes are set even further than that. Something on a macroscale, maybe the entire planet. No, it could turn out to be something like all the men in the universe at once. Actually, all organisms in existence at once. I wouldn’t even be surprised.

It’d be best to probe her for more information; as it stands with my clients, it could truly be just about anything.

“Can you tell me a bit about your partner and why your parents would be apprised to your marriage?”

“Well, my partner is very unique.”

That doesn’t help me at all!

“Unique? And by that, you mean?”

“If you like I can introduce you to my partner.”

“Introduce me… you mean, show me a picture?”

“No, my partner is here with us right now.”

“They are?” What the hell? Are they an invisible man that could somehow deceive the eyes of a God? There’s no way, right? But what if on the off chance… wouldn’t I look like the fool if I couldn’t sniff out an invisible man directly before me? I can’t possibly accept this. I’ve got to make the first move.

I composedly said, “I was just kidding, of course I knew your partner was here the entire time. You can reveal yourself, I know you’ve been here the entire time.”

Please work. I was gambling with my dignity here.

“Oh! As expected of God. So you were aware of their presence after all.”

“That’s only natural, I am a god. But why were you trying to hide them?”

“I was afraid I’d have to pay extra for them to come with me to this consultation. But since you don’t seem mad I guess my worry was unfounded.”

“What the hell do you mean? Of course you’ve got to pay extra for someone to tag along.”

“I do?” She froze right when she’d pulled something out from her purse halfway.

“Ye-” I was about to respond but similarly froze when I registered the item she was pulling out. “I mean, normally you would… but I’ll make an exception this time.” As for why I was willing to make this exception, it was naturally because I finally understood who she wanted to marry.

Phew.

Her marriage partner was undoubtedly the sex toy she’d pulled out of her purse. It was a dildo on one side and the handle portion was the opening of a mouth with a tongue sticking out. It appeared to even be motorized. I immediately broke out into sweat. That was way too close, I almost gave myself away. The fact that I thought it was an invisible man when it was just a bloody sex toy she wanted to marry was too shameful to admit.

“I take that this is the partner you want to marry.”

“Yes, that is correct, God. How can I get my parents to accept my marriage with him?”

Him? It’s a freaking sex toy! Stop dicking around! Ah, she can’t stop dicking around, her partner is quite literally a dick.

But for her parents to accept this marriage, can a God even solve this unsolvable problem? I mean, it’s a sex toy no matter what angle you look at it from, right? What possible justification can there be for marrying it?

Placed my hand over my forehead and squeezed as I mulled over the problem.

There might be a way actually.

“If you’d like your parents to accept your marriage with your partner, you’ll first need to get your parents to divorce.”

“Divorce? How would that help with my problem?”

“Well, you need to make them hate each other to the point they wish they never married to begin with so they start living separately.” 

“Once they hate marriage and are divorced, you will buy them their own sex toy. Set up a hidden speaker in their rooms and whenever they are asleep play some porn. If they wake up, turn it off so they don’t catch on.”

“Essentially, you need to get them super horny in the middle of the night until they reach the point where they are using the sex toy you bought them multiple times a day. While you’re doing this, also be sure to slip some viagra into your father’s meals and addyi into your mother’s before they go to bed.”

“This will ensure they’ll constantly be in a state of sexual frustration. Without a partner to satisfy them, they will naturally turn to those sex toys. They will grow more and more attached to them until your marriage partner of choice is no longer a big deal to them. They may even open their own eyes to marriage with their sex toy.”

“With these simple steps, you’ll be walking down the aisle shaft in hand in no time with your parents’ unanimous consent.” Hopefully. I make no guarantees.

“Really? I can really walk down the aisle shaft in hand and my parents won’t object?”

“Sure.” I know I’m the one who said it first, but the image of a bride walking down the aisle with a dildo in hand still made me question where I’d gone wrong in life. Just what the hell was I doing with my life that required me to give advice on this sort of problem? Haaaaaah. Don’t think about it. As long as I don’t think about it, the problems with my own life don’t really exist.

“Great! If it’s for my love, even if I need to make my parents rip each other’s throats, the sacrifice is totally worth it.”

KiraMinoru

How does “How I Married a Sex Toy” sound for a title? It’d be a guy and his flesh light or something. Or maybe even a story titled “The Secret Life of a Chronic Masturbator.”