Chapter 63
Upon realizing that the Gigarillon was gone, I pushed my body up in order to try and search for the missing monster. And while I’m at it, I could also look around in this place in order to pacify these still raging emotions of mine.
It’s been a while, huh?
Though I didn’t know exactly how much time had passed, it was still pretty clear from the state of these ruins that I had been gone for quite some time. And unlike the last images of this place that was stored within my memory, this former wolf lair was now in tatters to the point that it was almost beyond recognition. In fact, the only reason why I managed to recognize it at first glance was because of my vivid memories of the layout and location of this lair. If not for that, I probably wouldn’t even realize that this was “the home” from my memories.
Seriously, those bastard wolves from that accursed Tempest wolf’s pack really wrecked this place into pieces… When that thought flashed into my mind, I felt a seething rage rising up from my chest as if trying to devour every reason and sense of self that I had. Damn it!
Realizing that my consciousness was being encroached by those malevolent thoughts, I decided to close my eyes whilst calming down my heart. In the midst of doing that, I also slowed my breathing down in an attempt to cool those fiery emotions that were trying to take over my mind. And after doing that for a while, those powerful emotions and thoughts started to fade away, as I began to regain some of my focus and control at the same exact time.
When I opened up my eyes, I was already back to my calm and rational self. And probably because of those quick-witted actions and decisions that I made, it seemed like I somehow managed to put on a leash on those raging emotions of mine. Because of that, I now felt reinvigorated more than ever before as if some huge baggage was just released from my heart. Though, of course, I still could feel some traces of it from deep within me, so it wasn’t as if those emotions were completely gone. That only difference was that I had more resistance now, which decreased the chance of me being taken over by that.
Sorry, that’s not gonna happen. With that passing thought, I continued my search for the missing ape all the while exploring the ruins that I once called home.
While moving around in that place, I couldn’t stop myself from reminiscing about the past. This is a really strange feeling… With every twist and turn that I made, my vision would always overlap with a scene from my memory. Sometimes, I would even feel some emotions as if I had been the one experiencing those things.
The joy when I was running around and playing together with my siblings. The sadness that I felt every time my sister and I were left behind. The comfortable warmth of living together with my family and the wolves that I cared about. I felt like I really lived through all that. It was as if I was caught up between an illusion and a dream. And the strange thing was, my heart longed for all of that despite knowing the fact that it wasn’t me who had experienced all that warmth and love.
Good thing I managed to get some control…
To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t help but feel relieved that I managed to acquire some resistance against those emotions. Because if not for that, it wouldn’t even be surprising if I was taken over by now. After all, despite being held back by that metaphorical leash, I still felt a bit overwhelmed whenever those emotions would lash out.
“Well done.” The voice praised. “Looks like you're starting to learn how to keep your emotions at bay.” He continued.
…
At first, I didn’t pay any attention to that voice and simply continued my exploration and search for the ape. But after probing the entirety of that lair and coming up with no result, I started to feel a little bit frustrated and bored so I began talking to the voice.
Hey. Yes, I’m talking to you. I have some questions to ask. I called out.
With a hint of shock and annoyance, the voice replied. “Ha! Really? Now you want to talk?”
Just answer, damn it! And don’t worry, I also find you to be a nuisance. I quipped.
“Well, I guess a part of you really does resemble mine.” An amused voice replied. “Anyway, let’s just be done with it, so start talking.” The bastard ordered.
Tsk! Hearing that, I couldn’t help but berate myself, for trying to start this conversation. But then, my curiosity won over my frustrations so I decided to just be done with it and ask my question. Tell me. Why is it that I feel so affected by these memories even though those experiences aren’t mine?
“Hahahahahahaha! You really chose to ask ME that question?”
Well, it’s not like I have any other people here to ask. Besides, the other one is still moping around so that doesn’t count.
“True. And if I may add. I also think that you can’t possibly get an answer from that other one. After all, that thing is overly emotional for its own good.”
After hearing that final remark, I immediately poked back. You really do have a bad personality.
“And you inherited that.” The voice snapped back. Then, after a brief pause, the voice continued. “Anyway, before I answer your question. Let me just ask. You already know the answer, don’t you?”
This is getting tiresome… Can’t you just give your own opinion already? I complained with a sigh.
“Fine. Fine. Whatever.” A bored voice replied. “Well, it’s simple really. It’s just that even if you are a different being, you are still someone who is carrying both of our essence and memories. Because of that, it is only natural that you will get affected by our personalities from time to time. In fact, that is the very reason why you are here, and we are in this situation.”
The reason for my existence, huh? With that in mind, I stopped on my tracks and looked up.
“Exactly.” The emotionless voice continued. “Since you are the one who holds our collective memories, I’m pretty sure that you have a better grasp on this topic than me. But just to clarify, just like what you have probably concluded. The moment that YOU had woken up, the being that was the wolf had already ceased to exist. And based on what I can vaguely remember, the YOU from that time was still somewhat incomplete.” The voice explained.
Once the voice was done explaining his own opinion, I finally found the right time to ask the question that I had been carrying this whole time. But I only have your memories at first, right? So, does that mean that the one in control at that time was you and not me? I asked in confusion.
“I see. So that’s it, huh?” For a moment, the voice paused. “Well, just to make it clear. If we are talking about my memories before your ascension and this world’s system started to interfere, then all I could say was that all of it was hazy.”
Following that sudden reveal, the voice added. “Seriously, it will not even be an understatement to say that I am only carrying my OWN original memories. In fact, I will also bet that the other one is just like me. So, rest assured, all of that was YOU, albeit a very unstable one.”
After listening to that revelation, I froze on my spot. And when I was done processing all of that information, I began to ask. So, when you said “our collective memories,” it isn't only about yours and that wolf?
“Well, yeah. What else would I mean by that?” The voice answered with a flat but confused tone.
But that doesn’t make any sense. After all, isn’t it your belief that our memories and life experiences are what defines us as our own person? I argued back.
“Of course, that is true and I still stand by that belief. But remember, we are dealing with soul reincarnation stuff here. And it isn’t a normal reincarnation either because of all these shenanigans about jumbled-up memories and parallel dimensions. So, if you ask me, all I can give are guesses and theories based on what I know.” The voice answered with a very defensive tone.
Noticing the incoherence in his speech, my mouth curved into a grin. Heh… It’s so obvious that you're getting riled up. Looks like you can’t hide behind your façade in your current form… I teased.
“I currently have NO form, you imbecile.” A cold voice replied.
I see. Discerning that I couldn’t crack up the voice any further than that, I decided to return to the topic at hand. So, what’s your theory?
Immediately after hearing that, the voice responded in a very straightforward tone. “It’s obvious. That you are only half awake at that time.”
Huh? Upon hearing that ambiguous answer, I could only tilt my head in confusion. But before I could even ask for any further clarification, I sensed the presence of multiple monsters that had already surrounded this place.
Tsk! Great timing. I complained, out of spite.
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I hope that the mc having a split personality won't always be present in this story. Will they merge and become "whole" eventually?
another day another question
thx for the chapter
Yikerz, that’s complicated stuff right there. While I spend a lot of time in my head, thinking about stuff like that, as a wolf, our mc doesn’t really have the freedom to be so philosophical when his life is constantly in danger.