We’ve been friends for a long time now, right, guy? But I don’t really know a single thing about you. I don’t know where you’re from. I don’t know why you’re down here with me. I don’t know what your true name is or even if you’re a guy or a girl, tell you what. But I guess at this point, none of those things really matter, right? I think if you’re still stuck on those details, you’re really missing the entire point of our little adventure here. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, sure and it’s been a lot of walking with nothing really happening, sure. But that’s just life, you know?

 

It is what it is. Adventures have a lot of walking, it can’t all be dragons and gold. That’s only the very end of any good adventure, but the rest of it? The main body of it? It’s walking, or as in my case, running. But I’m an exception, I don’t have lungs, you see? But you already knew that. Imagine if the whole journey was just nothing but gold and dragons, haha. Talk about a bumpy, boring road.

 

No, no, this is fine. I prefer it this way. The quiet. The dark. The lonesomeness of the heavy, dank air of the dungeon that swelters around me, as I trudge through this bubbling quagmire of a floor. It’s been another few floors since we last spoke.

 

What?

 

No, I’m not ignoring you, guy. It’s just that I need some time to think by myself, okay? My head has been really weird lately, I’ve been feeling really… fuzzy, lately. Like… I’m kind of forgetful, I think?

 

I wonder if it’s this body. Or was I always so forgetful and I’ve just forgotten? Oof. Well, what can ya do? Anyways, I’m gonna keep running. I’ll check in with you in a little while, okay, guy? Close your eyes, go to sleep.

 

Shhh~

 

Shhhhh~

 

We’ll be there soon. Sleep little one, shhh -

 

---

 

Oh. Hello, guy. Are you awake again?

 

It’s been another few floors, did you sleep well? I’ve been thinking about you, haha. What? No, it’s nothing like that! Stop it, you’re going to make me blush! I clutch my gunk covered cheeks as I run to hide my flush face. My wet cape billows behind me, just barely though, as it’s still heavy and waterlogged.

 

Oh, wait. No.

 

Shaking my hands out, I wipe the mermaid blood off of myself. What? Mermaid blood, you ask? Don’t you worry your sweet, little head about it, guy! There was an incident involving some mermaids on the last floor while you were asleep. I’d tell you about it, but I don’t want to bore you with the details. You seem a little worn out these days, I guess you’re getting old too, huh? Haha! Look at us two old-timers, just making our way up the dungeon. How long have I been alive? I bet I’m almost a day old at this point! Already one foot in the grave, right?

 

What? No, I’m not going to tell you about the mermaids, okay? They were acting very inappropriately and quite honestly, I was embarrassed to be around them. What if the dungeon-master was watching? We’re professionals down here, guy. At least we should be. I try to live up to the standard, you know? No fraternizing in the work-place, especially if you can’t even be bothered to put some seashells over your…

 

- Ah, forget it. No, I’m telling you too much again. Hmm.

 

Do you think the dungeon-master would like it if I…?

 

Nah, no. Never-mind. I’m just being silly again, haha. Anyways, listen, I need some more time to figure some stuff out, okay? I don’t know what it is. But the higher I go, the…

 

- I clutch my throbbing eye with my free hand.

 

…The weirder my head is becoming. I’m not sure what’s going on anymore. Do you think I’m getting sick? Maybe I should stop by the goblin outpost and see a shaman on my way back down. Wouldn’t wanna miss a day of work, you know? People are counting on me.

 

Anyways, take a snooze. I just need a little me-time right now. Lifting my cape forward, I stick the tip of the fabric into my eye-socket, covering you with a blanket. Good night, guy.

 

---

 

Ding.

Ding.

Ding.

 

Oh. Did I wake you up? I’m sorry, guy. I was just lost in my own thoughts again. I tap the lance against the odd thing before me. It’s a mechanical construction made out of bronzed metal. I bet this is part of the demon-foundry subplot of the dungeon. The dungeon-master worked really hard on that one. It’s a shame that the dark-lord made our dungeon so wibbly-wobbly and broke everything. I wonder why he did that? Did we do something wrong? It was super cool back in the day, the sub-plot. Well, the dungeon too. You really had to be there to see it. I don’t think any of it makes any sense now since it’s all out of order.

 

I sigh, watching as some loose dirt crumbles off of the wall as I tap the pipe. Times are tough.

 

The dungeon has a lot of sub-plots like that, you know? The whole point of a dungeon is that it tells a story when you enter it from the top and then, when you go down, you progress along with the story. It’s the ultimate, interactive learning experience.

 

Human’s think that dungeon-masters are these super-evil, terrible entities and that us trash-mobs are like giant, grody jerks. But really, we serve a very functional purpose in the world. Do you know why the dark-lord made dungeon-masters, guy? And why dungeon-masters make dungeons?

 

Because they’re needed.

 

You see, the thing is, humans are kind of messed up. Like… they’re really messed up, okay? You can’t trust a human. I’m not trying to be discriminatory or anything, but they’re just weird, squishy, dumb, meat-demons at their base level. Not that I have anything against demons, that is. But humans just don’t get the big picture, they don’t really have real eyes, not most of them at least. They’re basically feral children who grew up without any rearing of any sort.

 

So what do you do to stop them from tearing each other’s hearts out? You educate them. Or you get the belt, but we do the former here. You show them how the world works. You grab their pudgy, cute little faces, rip open their eyes and make them watch. Because it’s the only way that they’ll ever figure out what the deal is. If you don’t do that, they’ll just live in their little bubbles up on the surface forever. Sure, sometimes a few of them have to die. But that’s just what it is. Not everyone is meant to survive. Sorry. Then again, nobody is really meant to survive. So in the end, it all evens out.

 

But those of them who do? They’ll be much richer in character and spirit because of the experience. That is why dungeon-masters take intricate care when designing their dungeon to make several subplots filled with lessons and metaphors. That’s the whole point. It’s not about killing monsters. It’s not about adventure. It’s not about stupid, worthless gold coins. Or about surrounding yourself with a cute group of barely functional mid-wits because you’re the chosen one. It’s about filling bright, young eyes with a twinkle of excitement. It's education.

 

Those that are worthy of seeing at least. The rest? Well, they get sent back to the black-water with the hopes that they’ll do better next time. In the end, isn’t that all that any of us can do?

 

Anyways, we’ve got to be super close now, I think. Come on, you don’t have to sleep anymore if you aren’t tired. I wouldn’t blame you, honestly. Personally? I hate sleep. If you sleep, you’ll miss all the fun.

 

I hope the hero is near the entrance. I want to help him. I want to teach him a lesson. For his own good.

 

I grip my lance tighter. I can hardly wait.

 

 

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