I can maybe get a good 20 minutes of fun out of getting drunk off my ass, and that’s only if I got something really good to watch (I got no friends, so it’s liquor and fucken YouTube for me . . . shit). I start off really liking whatever I’m seeing, laughing, wishing I wasn’t such a shitty loser so I could go do my drinking out in corners of nice smoky, loud places with other wobbly assholes. But then in 20 minutes, it all starts to go downhill.

I sit tucked against the wall on the floor in my same godforsaken empty-ass hell-hole of a room, taking sips of bottom-shelf wine. I’m already past 20 minutes, so I know the whole rest of the night’s gonna be about failing to maintain that first half-happy feeling until I pass out or whatever.

I scroll down page 8 of results of a search for: young asslicking lesbians. The first 7 pages were either shit I’d seen a million other times, or bullshit that’s got nothing to do with YOUNG . . . ASSLICKING . . . LESBIANS. I mean, I skipped by 6 or 7 in a series called Wild Twink Parties (I think numbers 14 through 20 or some fuck). But I’m used to that. It’s all the same bullshit, every time. 

I’ll say this: You hit a point when you’re not gonna get any drunker, and you’re scanning through porn results, and just the whole idea of fapping seems fucken tedious. Your damn legs are asleep. Your fucken dick feels a chill. You already know the alcohol’s gonna make hitting that finish line a fucken mission, anyway (hey, it would have 10-20 years ago, so at your age now, well . . . fuck). But you don’t stop, because you can’t. Because what else are you gonna do? YouTube’s only showing you reems of the same recycled shit you might have seen almost as much as your best “gems” near the first pages of the young assliking lesbians results.

I sigh, knowing I’ve spotted the best of all compromises in terms of cumming quickly so I can get on with my other lonely nothings. It’s a trusted vid. 8 minutes long. 3 girls. Big smiles on faces merging with 3 pink little buttholes. Mostly standing positions. 

I start to jerk, and swear my cock whines or something, my dusty old pubes practically flexing like a raging cat’s hair standing on end, all defensive and shit. I put my face close to the screen, pretending I’m with them. Part of their sleepover. Laughing along in their blue, pony-themed fake room. 

Fuzzy and dazed, I have to really flex and shit to get hard, and get close, then try to relax so I don’t blow past my damn orgasm (leaving 1 less before I leave this fucked up world . . . soon). But I’m too fucked . . . too sloppy on wine, with not enough time between yesterday’s sad fap (over CVS Indian Girl’s delightful bubbly ass) and now. I rev up again, grunt a little, feel thirsty so I take a sip of wine…

The darkest-haired girl on the vid, whose ass looks like a treasure spot hidden perfectly in creamy mounds of fat white skin, bends a little, giving the blonde-ish girl tongue access. This is it. I gotta make it happen now. There’s not gonna be a better…

Fuck!

The camera cuts to her stupid face (making an expression no one who actually enjoys butt stuff would ever make). I feel only tension and disappointment . . . no flood of spiraling pleasure in the fucking least . . . as I glance down to see two weak viscus spurts pop up neatly over my fingers.

Fucking bullshit!

You’d think I’m old enough to fucken know better, right?

But I write my poor planning off as just lazy drunkenness.

I guess it’s back to shitty YouTube, huh?

I know drinking more now is gonna do absolutely nothing. I wish I was cool enough to know people who could sell me . . . y’know more than alcohol. But I don’t. I never got a chance to add to my hopelessness a meth habit, or really any kind of partying, or anything. I’ve never done shit. I smoked weed once, but I don’t even think that shit was weed. Just some bullshit leaves or whatever my only high school friend, Figgles, made me pay him $20 damn bucks for.

Fuck, I wish I had something now, though! Anything. Anything more than this.

But I don’t. I never will.

My dick feels like I just backed a truck over it and made it do tricks in a circus show. The pain in my nuts (from the wrong kind of overuse) is like a big pool all through my legs and stomach . . . right in all the spots where the missing pleasure from cumming should have been.

I blink. My eyes feel like closing. My damn screen’s all bright and painful and shit. I hate what I’m watching. It’s boring, I can’t even hear whatever this guy’s saying . . . going on about video games or some shit I’ve never been into.

For some reason, I suddenly wonder if I should tiptoe down and let myself fall asleep on the couch where my wife is. And that’s the weirdest out-of-fucken-nowhere thought I might have ever had! 

What?!!

I finish off the dark red bottle, my second for the night (purchased yesterday, on special, at CVS). I need to piss. I wonder what cocaine feels like. I wonder what acid does. Heroin . . . fuck, that feels like it would be blissful, right? Like getting carried away on clouds by angels, instead making myself cum tiny pathetic amounts of spooge so neatly only on my hand…?

But I don’t know how to get that shit. I got all this money, doing nothing. And I’m too much of a fuckup to even use it the way I want.

Doesn’t matter, I guess.